Sociallyrepressed Posted May 14, 2021 Posted May 14, 2021 Met a really great, sweet, caring guy on an OLD-app. He stood out from the dozen matches I had, kind considerate. literally at the end each date he kept asking when we could see each other again. 1st date was him and I just talking about what we’d want in an ideal relationship, we had both agreed we’re not into FWB situationships, and were looking for something serious. 2nd date was a group activity, and he said he had a lot of fun. It lasted the entire Saturday. Afterwards we made out, he felt me up, but I had work the next morning so decided to meet up the next weekend. it being a 3rd date and all I suggested a “sleepover” but he had never made the suggestion to be exclusive, so I even told him that Wednesday, that I don’t think I was ready for sex and would love to take things slow. Now granted I know sexpectations are different from person to person, and I told him in the past I’m fine if he wants to move at a faster pace and just stop seeing me now. He said no, he likes just being around me, has no expectations and is fine with just cuddling. Friday night we hang out I asked him to show me his passion hobby -video games which I honestly really enjoyed learning from him- afterwards we try watching a movie but decided to just head to bed early to fool around. We spend literally the entire night just making out, dry humping, and eventually end with him getting a handjob, which I was especially attentive to and always asking him to show me how he likes it. Finally we get some sleep, and wake up again to some fun and jerking him off again. Middle of the night when he tried escalating it to actual sex (2x) but I told him I wasn’t ready, that I really did like him not just was sexually attracted but loved spending time with him and wanted us to take things slow, bc i do want something more. He says that’s what he wants to, and likes me as well past physicality. End of 3rd date he talks about what our 4th date will be, asks when I’m available and I say I’m not sure bc I work 4x10hr days so my scheduling is more sporadic. He says that’s fine we’ll check in later. send him the good morning text on Monday and immediately tell him I’m free this Saturday and can’t wait to go on a 4Th date with him. then he says after thinking all previous dates over, Im the “sweetest” girl he’s ever dated, how I’ll make some guy really happy BUT just can’t ever be happy with me. I’m completely hurt, I know it was only a few dates but he was so attentive, kind, and caring that it felt like something more. And I’ve had guys on dating apps say they’re not interested after the 2nd date when I tell them 3rd date I’m not ready yet for sex. So I don’t even know what happened and feel it’s all my fault somehow. If he was just after sexy I had already warned him of my comfortability, but also his reassuring me he did like me for me and not just sexually made me think it was/could have been something more... TLDR: is no sex, but plenty of pleasuring, an immediate deal breaker? Do I just need to get over my reservations? I just feel like it was my fault and somehow I pushed a really great guy away
smackie9 Posted May 14, 2021 Posted May 14, 2021 Sex and "pleasuring" is not currency for a promise of a relationship. IMO don't go to a guy's house or invite them over if sex is not on the table. Obviously this guy spewed bs about just wanting to cuddle. He lied, he just wanted sex....he isn't going to wait for it, so he's moving on. You can't take their word for it that they are looking for exclusivity...anyone can tell you what you want to hear. Not such a "great guy" 2
BaileyB Posted May 14, 2021 Posted May 14, 2021 (edited) 15 minutes ago, Sociallyrepressed said: I just feel like it was my fault and somehow I pushed a really great guy away A really great guy will wait. He will not dump you because you are not ready to have sex with him on the third date. I speak from experience here. A great guy will want you to be comfortable and if that means waiting and having a few more dates... it should not be a problem. My honest advice, I think you need to be careful about the mixed messages you are sending. Kissing, cuddling, dry humping, a hand job... that’s all ok with you but you are “not ready” for sex? I understand why you would not be ready for sex. But, that could be really confusing and frustrating for guys. Just my opinion, take it for what it’s worth, but when you get into the “sleepover,” cuddling, dry humping, handjob or perhaps even oral sex “place” - that sends a really mixed message when you then say “no sex.” As I said, if I was a man, I would think that you are teasing and playing games and that would be a big turn off for me. Just food for thought... Edited May 14, 2021 by BaileyB 6
Gaeta Posted May 14, 2021 Posted May 14, 2021 (edited) If you do not want to have sex with a man stay out of his/your bed. If you tell a man you don't want sex then agree to cuddle in his bed to him it means he's going to get sex. If you want sex then go ahead and have it and understand it's not an exchange for a relationship. Also, everything that falls into sexually gratifying each other IS SEX. It's cheap sex. You would have had better chances if you had stayed away from the bedroom OR if you had full blown sex with him. Teenage girls gratify boys with hand-jobs, not grown women. They do it, or they don't. They don't sit in-between. I am sorry you've been disappointed. Edited May 14, 2021 by Gaeta 7
introverted1 Posted May 14, 2021 Posted May 14, 2021 How is kissing, making out, dry humping, and a hand job not sex? Might not be immensely fulfilling sex, but it's sex. I think you gave mixed signals and not everyone responds well to that. 3 2
Miss Spider Posted May 14, 2021 Posted May 14, 2021 I think he just wasn’t interested enough/didn’t think you were a match. I don’t know how you can say it was because you didn’t have sex, because you did by my definition and you were well on the way by anyone else’s. 2
Miss Spider Posted May 14, 2021 Posted May 14, 2021 “Can’t ever be happy [with you]” are you paraphrasing or did he say that because jeez. Is that supposed to be a “nice” way people end it 1
elaine567 Posted May 14, 2021 Posted May 14, 2021 1 hour ago, Sociallyrepressed said: it being a 3rd date and all I suggested a “sleepover” Why did you do that when you were not ready for full sex? He actually didn't sound ready either You stopped the natural flow, you pushed it and then you said NO... Had you gone on more dates, got naturally hot and heavy then it would have felt better for both of you. I think you killed it. 7
Author Sociallyrepressed Posted May 14, 2021 Author Posted May 14, 2021 55 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Sex and "pleasuring" is not currency for a promise of a relationship. IMO don't go to a guy's house or invite them over if sex is not on the table. Obviously this guy spewed bs about just wanting to cuddle. He lied, he just wanted sex....he isn't going to wait for it, so he's moving on. You can't take their word for it that they are looking for exclusivity...anyone can tell you what you want to hear. Not such a "great guy" Not my mentality at all, but idk... I’m really new to this whole dating process, and I’ll accept the criticism and definitely take all your good advice. I don’t think of it as an exchange, bc we actually kept our clothes on for the exception of some. Actually You all are right, ofc. I’m still super inexperienced about this, and should have just let it progress to where it was headed naturally since it was inevitable anyway. I guess I’ll just have to see it through to the end for the next one. I guess that’s why I’ve been sad bc I self sabotaged, and you’re all right it was all on me for chickening out right at the critical point
princessaurora Posted May 14, 2021 Posted May 14, 2021 This is the modern world. Many guys expect full blown intercourse by the 3rd date and if they don't get that or oral by then, they're walking. Several of our male members here can attest to this. But there are men out there that will still wait. My husband waited 3 months and several others I was with waited a bit too. One of them I went away for a weekend with and we still didn't have piv, but we did do oral. I'm not suggesting you do that. You have to do what you're comfortable with, but oral does keep them satisfied until you're ready for piv. You do you though. Just understand with hookup culture many guys expect early sex and though there are guys who don't subscribe to that, with OLD it's a pretty narrow pool. It may take awhile to find one who is truly patient. And like smackie and gaeta said, Stay out of his home and especially his bed if you are not ready for sex. 2
elaine567 Posted May 14, 2021 Posted May 14, 2021 1 hour ago, Sociallyrepressed said: End of 3rd date he talks about what our 4th date will be, asks when I’m available and I say I’m not sure bc I work 4x10hr days so my scheduling is more sporadic. He says that’s fine we’ll check in later plus ^ this. Why did you do this? Why were you so unenthusiastic? You knew he was going to ask, like he did every other time so why were you so unprepared for the question. I guess mulling it over he deduced you weren't interested or were playing games... 6
Author Sociallyrepressed Posted May 14, 2021 Author Posted May 14, 2021 1 minute ago, elaine567 said: plus ^ this. Why did you do this? Why were you so unenthusiastic? You knew he was going to ask, like he did every other time so why were you so unprepared for the question. I guess mulling it over he deduced you weren't interested or were playing games... Ok this I’m going through some transitioning in different departments, so literally my weeks schedule until Monday can change at the drop of a hat. So everything else I do accept, but this is the downside to my job
Wiseman2 Posted May 14, 2021 Posted May 14, 2021 1 hour ago, Sociallyrepressed said: it being a 3rd date and all I suggested a “sleepover” but he had never made the suggestion to be exclusive, I don’t think I was ready for sex and would love to take things slow. We spend literally the entire night just making out, dry humping, and eventually end with him getting a handjob. Middle of the night when he tried escalating it to actual sex. Im the “sweetest” girl he’s ever dated, how I’ll make some guy really happy BUT just can’t ever be happy with me. Sorry this happened. Some things just don't pan out early on. Try to slow your roll, particularly suggesting sexless (but everything else) sleepovers. Why sleep over? Makes no sense. Too much too soon, combined with excessive suggestions and teasing, too confusing. For both of you. Go out on dates, get to know someone, if you want to be exclusive, then have the talk before any sort of sleepovers with whatever varying degrees of sex. 3
smackie9 Posted May 14, 2021 Posted May 14, 2021 It's the roll of the dice...even if you had sex with him that still does not guarantee you he will see you again. So it wouldn't have matter what you did or didn't do, the outcome would most likely have been the same. Him walking. A promising prospect would have spent the time getting to know you, not begging you to sleep over with the bs of just needing to cuddle. The guy was trying to play you. 3
BaileyB Posted May 14, 2021 Posted May 14, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, Sociallyrepressed said: it was all on me for chickening out right at the critical point You didn’t chicken out. It’s ok to not be ready for sex by the third date - that’s a rather arbitrary and stupid expectation if you ask me. NOBODY is telling you to do something that you are not ready to do. We are saying, going to the man’s home and offering a “sleepover” with almost everything on the table EXCEPT sex sends very mixed messages. It’s confusing and it must be frustrating as hell for the guy. I get that you were trying to show your interest and please the guy - in some way if not all the way... but, it would be better to NOT do any of the above if you are not ready to go all the way than to be sexual with the man and then say - “that’s as far as I am willing to go.” Edited May 14, 2021 by BaileyB 2 2
BaileyB Posted May 14, 2021 Posted May 14, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: plus ^ this. Why did you do this? Why were you so unenthusiastic? You knew he was going to ask, like he did every other time so why were you so unprepared for the question. I guess mulling it over he deduced you weren't interested or were playing games... This was the other reason why I wondered if he pulled back. Just another mixed message - this girl is in my bed giving me a handjob and when I ask her out again, she says, “IDK, I work long hours so I can’t commit to anything right now...” I hear that you replied soon after with a date, but that would kind of unnerve me. I want to KNOW that my date is interested to see me again... Quote Ok this I’m going through some transitioning in different departments, so literally my weeks schedule until Monday can change at the drop of a hat. So everything else I do accept, but this is the downside to my job Did you tell him this? Did you tell him that you REALLY enjoyed your time together and that you can’t wait to see him again... There are other ways to show enthusiasm while still saying - I need to check my work schedule before we set another date. Edited May 14, 2021 by BaileyB 1
glows Posted May 14, 2021 Posted May 14, 2021 (edited) Please do not second-guess yourself. You did not drive him away at all. It sounds more like he did the math early on, knew you weren't someone he saw himself with long term and was just fooling around, enjoying having you over for intimacy. In the end he took it too far pushing you for sex when you said you weren't ready and showed his true colours. If anything, you should be giving yourself a pat on the back for remaining true to your values. You could be clearer and more confident next time and refuse to sleep over. This guy is not for you. And guess what? That leaves you more time and resources to enjoy finding the person who's better suited to you. Forget this person. Edited May 14, 2021 by glows 5
Miss Spider Posted May 14, 2021 Posted May 14, 2021 (edited) 10 minutes ago, glows said: Please do not second-guess yourself. You did not drive him away at all. It sounds more like he did the math early on, knew you weren't someone he saw himself with long term and was just fooling around, enjoying having you over for intimacy. In the end he took it too far pushing you for sex when you said you weren't ready and showed his true colours. If anything, you should be giving yourself a pat on the back for remaining true to your values. You could be clearer and more confident next time and refuse to sleep over. This guy is not for you. And guess what? That leaves you more time and resources to enjoy finding the person who's better suited to you. Forget this person. Agree with you re his line of reasoning. That’s total conjecture, but if I had to put money on it; he knew it wasn’t quite there early on, things went a little far date 3 and he was planning on cashing in, but he decided to take the high road because he could see you are a nice girl and it would mean something to you I guess I don’t agree with a lot of the “it’s confusing to the guy”sentiments,in general. I think men in the 21st-century have a general understanding of how women do not want to give up the goods too easily or whatever. I don’t understand it 100% either and I am a woman, but I think they understand that and I don’t see a guy that is genuinely into a girl being so confused that he won’t ever see her again. Case in point, I’ve made out with several of guys, in their house, in bed, and it got pretty heated, but I ultimately didn’t want to have sex with them because that’s a totally different thing, so I said that. No ones ever lost interest,., actually really contrary...(but that’s just cuz really long “foreplay”) I don’t think everyone views it as a “mixed message”, but ultimately, if the person isn’t on the same page as you about those sorts of things, drops you entirely because you didn’t want to sleep that time for any reason, especially considering you guys have been physical, the connection couldn’t have been all that to begin with. Not a huge loss. Edited May 14, 2021 by Cookiesandough 1
Author Sociallyrepressed Posted May 14, 2021 Author Posted May 14, 2021 33 minutes ago, BaileyB said:Did you tell him this? Did you tell him that you REALLY enjoyed your time together and that you can’t wait to see him again... There are other ways to show enthusiasm while still saying - I need to check my work schedule before we set another date. Yes. And I kept telling him how much I really appreciated him, and told him multiple times how much I genuinely liked him. We’d been seeing each other and texting for about 3wks and he knew my job is unreliable like that actually 1
Gaeta Posted May 14, 2021 Posted May 14, 2021 42 minutes ago, Sociallyrepressed said: Yes. And I kept telling him how much I really appreciated him, and told him multiple times how much I genuinely liked him. We’d been seeing each other and texting for about 3wks and he knew my job is unreliable like that actually Way too much. How can you genuinely like a man that is still a stranger to you? You were hangning on way too much onto him for the couple of weeks you had known each other. 3
Author Sociallyrepressed Posted May 14, 2021 Author Posted May 14, 2021 4 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Way too much. How can you genuinely like a man that is still a stranger to you? You were hangning on way too much onto him for the couple of weeks you had known each other. Haha, intellectual/logically you’re absolutely right, and I don’t disagree. But I mean in the past I’ve always dated these guys and fallen into fwb situationships where they’ve always made me feel inferior. I know it’s a very “me issue” and I thought I was making a turn for the better for this guy who was super always attentive, always acting concerned about me. I just got swept up in the newness of it all. Also we had talked about his childhood and how growing up he had always taken care of his siblings, and other deep stuff, so it just was I’ll admit that false sense of over-intimacy I suppose sharing stories like that coupled with the actual positive attention... yeah I know I’m an idiot
chillii Posted May 14, 2021 Posted May 14, 2021 (edited) Noooo, l don't think your an idiot at all except for splattering so much of the physical detail all over the internet , we don't need to know all that why do people do this stuff,do they just wanna tell the world or what, has me gobsmacked . You fooled around, if we must know , is plenty. The rest , you were busy with work , so what. You explained , open about it , appreciative and looking forward to seeing ea other again there was no problem there you didn't do anything wrong. lf he was fully into you he's not running away just bc you were working one night , or didn't go all the way so soon. Believe me , no way known not a hope in hell a guy that is really feeling it will take off just bc of that. Yeah sure if it's just another he's trying to get into bed he might , but that was close anyway only a moron wouldn't see that you weren't exactly a prude for crying out loud. Any guy truly interested wouldn't be deterred at all. l think he got to thinking about you two and for some reason decided it just wasn't for him ,which he may well have known and would've just taken off later anyway once you slept with him. Orrrrr, if not then l'd even suspect something might've happened for him during that time, maybe something serious came up or maybe even an ex thing . Either those or he simply just was not as as he portrayed . l don't get why your blaming yourself if he was truly into you nothing here you did would've changed that. Anyway , stick to your guns it won't make any difference what so ever to the guy that does really care and sees a future with you. Edited May 14, 2021 by chillii 3 1
CollinW Posted May 14, 2021 Posted May 14, 2021 I'm a man who prefers waiting. My penis is a national treasure and you have to work for it, I don't just go slinging it anywhere. But having someone take it to such a sexual level by doing everything but sex only to not go all the way just seems like a power play or some kinda of sexual issue (STD maybe?). It just doesn't come across well, I'd rather just avoid the teenage sex adjacent playing all together. 3 1
Mrin Posted May 15, 2021 Posted May 15, 2021 Dude here. Meh... Agree with the others about sleepover = sex. That was weird and I think you get that. But - my guess is there is another variable at play here that you don't know about. Probably another woman he was chatting up. When you're multidating you reach this fish or cut bait moment around date #3. I think you reached it and he might have had to make a decision between you and someone else and he chose someone else. Don't best yourself up about that possibility. As a guy who has made that decision before, it is almost never that X woman is better than Y woman. It is typically more a "I vibe better with X woman". Be of luck! Mrin 3
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