HurtHart Posted May 14, 2021 Posted May 14, 2021 Morning everyone. I'm new to the forum, and glad I found it as I just need to vent. 10 days ago, my girlffriend of 5 years and I broke up and it's hit me very very hard. For background, I met her about a year after my marriage ended, which came to an end suddenly and without warning because my wife had an affair and left me for the guy she was seeing being my back. She and I have a daughter who now lives 50/50 between our homes. I felt like I'd lost everything in that divorce and it took me some time to put myself out there again. But, for the sake of my daughter, we've stayed on good terms. MY girlfriend was very different from my ex-wife and we really hit it off, and quickly moved from dating to a relationship. I was madly in love - but even after 5 years we never lived together, but this was mostly due to us both having kids from previous marriages (hers was a very dysfunctional marriage and gave her real commitment issues). Despite all this is worked, and we had a strong relationship full of mutual respect and love and I supported her through some very tough times, like being evicted from her home along with her son...(which was entirely her fault as she didn't pay her rent in full for about 6 months as she was spending her money going out or on clothes - she also recieved a CCJ around the same time for unpaid council tax which made her finding a new place to rent much harder). This was another reason we never lived together as I'm very on top of my finances and have a mortgage in my own name and secretly worried that I'd end up paying all the bills, We made it work, but Covid put a strain on us as we couldn't spend as much time together as we had before. This was compounded by the fact that I got seriously ill last year, I ended up in hospital and the treatment for my illness meant I was placed on immuno-suppressants which meant I had to shield for most of the year. I tried to see her when i could in a support-bubble capacity, but she wasn't taking the restrictions that seriously and was having friends over - even had a party at one point, and seemed to be a little put out when I had to stay away. In Feb, after I'd had my first vaccine and had stepped down my medication to safer levels, we met up and she told me that she'd felt we'd drifted apart and that I needed to make 'more effort'. I was a bit put out by that, as it was hardly my fault I'd been ill but, I did make every effort I could to spend more time with her, because I loved her. I spent every free minute with her, when I didn't have my daughter, (even though that normally meant just sitting on the sofa at hers while her 13 year old hogged the TV with his playstation until 2am night after night). I will say at this point too, that because of my medication, there had been a handful of times since we started spending more time together where I had a little difficulty 'in the bedroom' - which she was obviously a little upset about but didn't make an issue of if on the surface. I thought we'd gotten back on track. Then, last sunday, after I made her a romantic dinner at her place, we had a really nice evening and everything felt - to me - like it had been when we were at our best. Then, in bed, I had an issue again, and she LOST it. She made a huge issue out of it and couldn't accept on face-value that it was just down to my medication. IT led to an argument where she ranted about how she still felt disconnected from me since I had to shield, accused me of seeing my ex-wife over her (I was seeing my daughter, so of COURSE my ex wife would be present at handover) and dropped the bombshell that while we were distanced, she'd realised she had feelings for a guy she works with and that over the last 9 months these had intensified. The guy in question is one of her managers at the shop she works at. He's married with kids and oblivious to how she feels. From what she's said, she feels a connection with him that sounds entirely in her head. Still, she's intent on pursuing him and made the decision to end our relationship because she wants him over me. I'm absolutely crushed. It's brought back alot of trauma from my marriage ending as you can imagine and I'm really struggling to deal with the fact that she's gone. I've realised that she's really not the person I thought and that we weren't right for each other but that just makes it worse. She's convinced she can get this guy, and doesn't seem to care that doing so would destroy a marriage, and doesn't seem to have even considered that he isn;t interested. And for some, inexplicable reason, I really don't want her to get hurt.
elaine567 Posted May 14, 2021 Posted May 14, 2021 I guess that a year after your marriage ended you were actually in no place to date or make good choices. Your wife monkey branched onto another, and so essentially did this girl. She, after 5 years had nothing to show for it, it never went anywhere, and the pandemic just heightened the incompatibility. She now has her sights set on what she sees as a better prospect. Yes you could sit and blame these women for what they did, but for your own progress moving forward, you need to think about why? Why did they both feel you were not enough for them? 1
Blind-Sided Posted May 14, 2021 Posted May 14, 2021 2 hours ago, HurtHart said: .......I supported her through some very tough times, like being evicted from her home along with her son...(which was entirely her fault as she didn't pay her rent in full for about 6 months as she was spending her money going out or on clothes - she also recieved a CCJ around the same time for unpaid council tax which made her finding a new place to rent much harder).... I'm sorry you are upset/sad. But honestly... you don't want anything legal with someone like that. Take comfort in knowing you didn't marry her, and loos your house because she was supposed to pay the mortgage, but was buying clothes instead. 1
Author HurtHart Posted May 14, 2021 Author Posted May 14, 2021 Well, my now ex girlfriend made it clear from the beginning she didn't want to marry or live together until at least one of the kids had moved out. Everything was fine until I got ill. I think she resented it because I suddenly had to.think about myself
Author HurtHart Posted May 14, 2021 Author Posted May 14, 2021 25 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said: I'm sorry you are upset/sad. But honestly... you don't want anything legal with someone like that. Take comfort in knowing you didn't marry her, and loos your house because she was supposed to pay the mortgage, but was buying clothes instead. You're right of course. But it's small consolation right now
Author HurtHart Posted May 14, 2021 Author Posted May 14, 2021 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: I guess that a year after your marriage ended you were actually in no place to date or make good choices. Your wife monkey branched onto another, and so essentially did this girl. She, after 5 years had nothing to show for it, it never went anywhere, and the pandemic just heightened the incompatibility. She now has her sights set on what she sees as a better prospect. Yes you could sit and blame these women for what they did, but for your own progress moving forward, you need to think about why? Why did they both feel you were not enough for them? Do you really think I haven't been thinking about why I wasn't enough for them? It's been driving me crazy!! But I don't think it's a healthy line of thought either. 1
d0nnivain Posted May 14, 2021 Posted May 14, 2021 I'm glad you are feeling better. 1 hour ago, HurtHart said: Do you really think I haven't been thinking about why I wasn't enough for them? Stop with Q's like this. It is not about why you weren't enough. You were plenty good for them. You saved this twit who can't manage her own life. Who buys clothes with the rent money? She's a mom. It was long past time for her to grow up & be responsible. You need to turn it around & wonder about why she wasn't willing to step up & be the mature loving partner you needed? She was the one who was lacking. If you need to blame yourself, the proper Q is why did you put up with such an irresponsible partner who can't manage her finances, can't get her head on straight. can't be safe in a pandemic, & who is selfish in bed when you have a legitimate medical issue? 4 1
Author HurtHart Posted May 14, 2021 Author Posted May 14, 2021 3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: I'm glad you are feeling better. Stop with Q's like this. It is not about why you weren't enough. You were plenty good for them. You saved this twit who can't manage her own life. Who buys clothes with the rent money? She's a mom. It was long past time for her to grow up & be responsible. You need to turn it around & wonder about why she wasn't willing to step up & be the mature loving partner you needed? She was the one who was lacking. If you need to blame yourself, the proper Q is why did you put up with such an irresponsible partner who can't manage her finances, can't get her head on straight. can't be safe in a pandemic, & who is selfish in bed when you have a legitimate medical issue? Thanks Donnivain.. You're right about her of course,.she wasn't right for me from the start really. But I guess when you're in love you overlook these.things.
d0nnivain Posted May 14, 2021 Posted May 14, 2021 Hindsight is 20-20 & in the aftermath of your marriage maybe she was what you needed in the short term but at some point, long before now, you ignored some red flags. The end of a relationship is never fun but If you can manage a bit more objectivity & a little less self blame, I think you will be OK in time. Hugs. Hang in there
ExpatInItaly Posted May 14, 2021 Posted May 14, 2021 She sounds like an irresponsible fountain of poor judgment all around, and you're only now really getting how deeply that runs in her. You will be okay again, and you're past the pain, I think you will see how this relationship was probably never going to end well.
ShyViolet Posted May 15, 2021 Posted May 15, 2021 You need to get yourself into therapy to delve into the question of WHY you thought that this irresponsible train-wreck of a woman was a catch, why you thought this was someone you wanted to spend your life with. This woman did you a favor by breaking up with you. I hope you have higher standards for yourself than this in the future. 1
Wiseman2 Posted May 15, 2021 Posted May 15, 2021 21 hours ago, HurtHart said: I guess when you're in love you overlook these.things. That is the key. You screen and observe for red flags while dating. Precisely so that you know what you are getting into and this way you won't "be in love" with someone who has all these deal breakers. 2
Recommended Posts