Confusedgirl025 Posted May 13, 2021 Posted May 13, 2021 Me and my boyfriend have been together over 2 years and been living together most of it. It was great at first, it was always what i wanted. Loyal, romantic, affectionate, hard working etc. At the moment, all im feeling is pressure, overwhelmed, feeling like im in a box, like a sex object..and dont even know if i feel love for him anymore. All he wants to do is cuddle, talk about our relationship, spend all his time with me (he comes home for his lunch break just to see me), tells me he misses me multiple times a day, tells me how perfect i am and declaring his love for me many times a day. It makes me so uncomfortable because its so exsessive. Every day he will be very upset and say that he wishes i was more affectionate and everything but even when i am, its not enough. We literally cuddle every day, he nearly cries if we dont go to sleep together, he says it helps him sleep if we cuddle. He comes home every day for his lunch break. I cant sleep well at night because he kicks me and snores so loud so when he leaves for work i get a good sleep, but then im awoken because he comes home to see me for 15 minutes on his lunch break. When he gets home from work i have to be here otherwise he will make a big deal abiut getting home from work and wanting to see me because he misses me. If im with my family or friends, he will either say he will come amd wait for me to finish so he can drive me home or just say he will come. In hix head, why should it be a problem if we love eachother. To him, if we are so inlove with eachother why should we have privacy? I have to tell him everything. There should be nothing to hide. He doesnt believe in space. If i say i need time alone or just chill time, he thinks i dont love him because people who are truly in love shouldnt feel that way. The tiniest of things he will act the same way if i had killed someone or cheated or something. He gets so so so upset, dwells on it, even when its proven false, for weeks he will bring it up daily, multiple times. Really over reacting and because i am in shock at how he acts i just shutup and dont say anything because hes acting like a baby about everything. Is it worth taking him to see a therapist? I cant go a hour without him messaging me, its been 2 whole years and its just getting more intense. All the gift buying when he does something wrong makes me feel so guilty and in debt to him. All i do is feel guilty even though i know im not doing anything bad. So what if i dont want to go to bed early with him? Why do i have to be here when he finishes work? Why do i have to tell him everything im doing. It feels so unhealthy.
d0nnivain Posted May 13, 2021 Posted May 13, 2021 It is unhealthy. You do realize that his obsession is probably why you moved in together too quickly -- you gave in to his need for togetherness. In a healthy relationship you need to date conventionally for at least a year before cohabitation. Since you obviously care for him getting him some therapy should help him become more independent 1 1
Miss Spider Posted May 13, 2021 Posted May 13, 2021 He’s needy af. That is so unattractive and will drive you crazy. Won’t get better. Dump him. 1
Author Confusedgirl025 Posted May 14, 2021 Author Posted May 14, 2021 15 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: He’s needy af. That is so unattractive and will drive you crazy. Won’t get better. Dump him. Yes, it is driving me crazy. There is alot of context i missed out such as the cheating accusations, checking my phone all the time, wanting compliments alllllll the time, like fishing for them. Tells me he loves me but starts crying cos he doesnt want to lose me and goes into details on how perfect i am and how thetes other men id like better. He would turn up at my friends house to check my phone, notever allowed clubbing or to a bar because people in love dont do that. I said to my friend i i wish she watched a soap so we could gossip but by bf started crying because he feels like hes not good enough for me....just over a tv show!!!! My friends have also caught him stalking/spying behind trees& cars. He is 28 years old not 18.... Ive been thinking of leaving
Acacia98 Posted May 14, 2021 Posted May 14, 2021 3 minutes ago, Confusedgirl025 said: Ive been thinking of leaving This man is not stable. He needs help and you need to leave. But you need to plan your departure carefully. This guy sounds like he could harm you or threaten to harm himself if he catches wind you're leaving. Maybe call a hotline for mental health issues or abuse and ask if someone can help you with your situation or direct you to local resources? 4
AlphaFemme99 Posted May 15, 2021 Posted May 15, 2021 (edited) He sounds like he’s in love with how you make him feel. Infatuated. So insecure and having you as a trophy is filling his void. The relationship is unhealthy. My partner was always checking my phone for ages and only lately is starting to feel more secure after no signs of me doing anything wrong - but he would rather I block any men who contact me than ignore them, which is what I’ve been doing The question to ask yourself is how giving is he emotionally in the relationship? Or is he soaking up most of your energy does he yell when he doesn’t get his way? Can I ask what’s making you stay? Edited May 15, 2021 by AlphaFemme99
ShyViolet Posted May 15, 2021 Posted May 15, 2021 This guy is controlling, manipulative, and creepy. You need to get out of this relationship IMMEDIATELY. For your own safety, don't even tell him you're breaking up with him. You need to leave when he's not there, quickly. If you actually tell him you're breaking up with him he will probably go crazy and literally not let you leave. He will probably stalk you after you do leave and you'll have to get a restraining order. Get away from this creep before this gets worse.
FudgeSwirl Posted May 15, 2021 Posted May 15, 2021 I completely agree with everybody who has commented so far. He is crossing way too many boundaries. Spending every second together is very unhealthy and he is completely wrong that you are not entitled to privacy. After reading other things he has done, I wouldn't bother with therapy because he will never change. For your own safety, you need to leave and need to it very carefully. First you need to find a place where you can stay where you are safe from him whether it is somebody's home or your very own apartment. Once that is established, slowly start to bring over stuff of yours he wouldn't notice missing before taking the final leap of taking everything. I recommend that when you move your things that you have someone with you just in case. 1
poppyfields Posted May 15, 2021 Posted May 15, 2021 Nevermind unhealthy, how are you still attracted to him? Myself and most women would feel completely oppressed with a man so needy and controlling, it would feel like prison, complete turn off. I would not last one week, let alone two years? What keeps you there? Anyway, agree with others, he sounds unstable and be careful cause he's likely to become unhinged once he gets wind of your leaving. Good luck!
ExpatInItaly Posted May 15, 2021 Posted May 15, 2021 19 hours ago, Confusedgirl025 said: My friends have also caught him stalking/spying behind trees& cars. This is really disturbing. I would be totally turned off by this man, and would end the relationship. His behaviour with you is beyond inappropriate. It's emotionally abusive and deeply troubling. Don't bother with therapy for him. But perhaps consider some for yourself - it will help you understand why you've tolerated and enabled this for so long. 2
Wiseman2 Posted May 15, 2021 Posted May 15, 2021 (edited) 22 hours ago, Confusedgirl025 said: the cheating accusations, checking my phone all the time, He would turn up at my friends house to check my phone, Is this a BDSM situation? It's unclear why you are tolerating the abuse and haven't gotten a restraining order. Your friend should have called the police and had him arrested for trespassing. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Read up on controlling abusive relationships. Change all your passwords on all your accounts and devices. Tell a trusted adult about this. Seek out therapy to better understand how you let this abuse go on. Edited May 15, 2021 by Wiseman2
BaileyB Posted May 15, 2021 Posted May 15, 2021 (edited) On 5/14/2021 at 5:28 AM, Confusedgirl025 said: Ive been thinking of leaving I would already be gone... You will be amazed how much more peaceful you feel and how your mental health will improve when you are single, minus one obsessive and controlling boyfriend. My advice to you is to make a plan to leave - find a place to go, pack/move out when he is not at home, or at least have someone else present when you tell him. I don’t anticipate that he is going to like it when you end the relationship - he’s unlikely to wish you well and let you go easily... Edited May 15, 2021 by BaileyB
AlphaFemme99 Posted May 15, 2021 Posted May 15, 2021 Usually when it’s love and it’s been over 2 years living together a man with a lot of interest will propose to take you off the market. He sounds like a classic narcissist.. insecure boy who needs to suck your energy. This love bombing is not actual love - it’s unhealthy infatuation and he’s feeding off the fact he got someone better than him who makes him feel good about himself Better leave sooner and do it safely like everyone suggested. I had the same thing but mine put a ring on my finger within half a year .. Probably because he had a whole lot of competition and needed to do something about it. Mind you, covid has become his excuse not to rush the wedding but I don’t know if I want one anymore Not long after proposing, he thought he could try get away with acting like a petty child if he doesn’t get his way and then threaten suicide whenever he broke boundaries and I wanted to leave. He doesn’t cheat but there are just things that aren’t healthy and from what you’ve written, it’s enough evidence. I didn’t see it coming because I was used to men getting infatuated and thought it was just normal for them in the honeymoon period to get excessive
spiderowl Posted May 17, 2021 Posted May 17, 2021 I can only agree with others, OP. This guy is coercive and controlling. You are entitled to privacy. Stalking you is unacceptable, whatever excuse he might manufacture. It suggests that your boyfriend is unhinged. He is trying to control you by checking up on you, your phone, your free time, and also by emotional manipulation - e.g. I love you to bits therefore you should do the same for me (and allow me to control your entire life!). I think you need to talk to experts in this kind of behaviour, like the counsellors at women's shelters. You need a plan to leave suddenly and safely because this guy is not going to cope with losing control of you. I don't want to scare you but women are most at risk when they leave a controlling relationship. What do you feel would happen if you left? 2
Negotaurus Posted May 17, 2021 Posted May 17, 2021 Looking in from the outside, please be careful if/when you leave... Something is seriously wrong with this one. Please stay safe.
Andy_K Posted May 17, 2021 Posted May 17, 2021 He's crazy. Could list all the reasons why but everyone else already has Other important things for you to seriously think about though: How did it take you so long to notice this? How will you make sure it doesn't happen again? Make sure you can answer these questions fully before you start dating again after this. You either learn from your mistakes or repeat them, and if you tell yourself it was just a 'mistake', bad luck, or a one-off, you've not learnt the lesson.
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