How to stop being bitter when dating?

[dramafreezone]

6 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

Hi guys, I have been noticing that my guard is so up when dating and I can detect BS so much from afar which is great, but I am also very bitter in regards to men in general which is not good at all.

One year and a half ago I was engaged and he left me on the spot after an argument when I was sick with a bacterial infection and asked him for time on my own to rest. He was very insecure and thought I was going to break up with him (which I reassured him I wasn't) but he got really angry, took all his stuff from my house and broke up with me.

He then met someone else really quick, moved in with her after a month and got married after 3 months.

I was left devastated and feeling stupid for trusting him. Since then I took some time off from dating but since I decided to start dating again months ago I notice that I am so scared of getting involved with someone again that I am so bitter and sarcastic with guys as a defense mechanism and so I only attract the wrong ones or even if they are ok I don't give them a chance.

For example, last guy I talked to we were talking about travelling, and he says to me he went somewhere many years ago with a gorgeous blonde girlfriend he had at the time. I was so pis*** off by him saying that (I am brunnete), I told him ok go see if that girlfriend is still available then, and bye. I thought wasn't he supposed to be calling me gorgeous, not to a past girlfriend?

The silver lining is that I can smell BS really quick and avoid bad situations, but then I am lonely and I feel I am always looking for reasons to stop talking, and I can be quite bitter and rude in my responses.

My true nature is not that, I normally am sweet and caring. I feel that I am waiting to meet the right man with whom I can be sweet and caring, but on the other hand if I am feeling bitter I won't meet the right one because I don't give any guy a chance.

In the past before my break-up I used to be that really sweet girl so men would ask me out left and right. Now I haven't had a date in months, despite the fact I am on OLD and talk to a lot of guys.

Any ideas? Thank you.

You cannot eliminate risk.  You were hurt, everyone gets hurt, it's the cost of doing business when dating.  So now you're sabatoging potential relationships before you can get hurt.  No bueno.

Was just talking about this in another thread but another problem is single women and men that listen to other single women and men about their dating issues.  Single people, more often than not, will give you bad advice with regard to finding a good companion.  Single people generally have a vested interest in keeping you single, because you finding someone shines a mirror on their own single life, and many of them don't like it because they really don't like being single, despite what they say.  Single people are going to validate you, which keeps perpetuating this cycle. 

If you want to get something, seek out people that have it, and then emulate them.  I would talk to (happily) married women, and also the type of men that you'd like to marry.  Have conversations with them, ask them what they want in a partner.  Not enough people take into account what we think our ideal companion wants.  We just say take me as I am and that's not helpful.

As for your bitterness, it comes from you not accepting responsibility for the role you played in the failure of your past relationships.  If your mindset is these men did this to you, then you're painting yourself as a victim, and we can tend to wallow in that victim mindset.  Accepting responsibliity doesn't mean that you are at fault for anything in your past relationships (though you likely are responsible for some of it).  What it means ultimately is that it's no one else's burden to fix you.

What you can do today is start therapy if you have not already.  Those of us that are existing in society without therapy are like cars that are on the road without having passed inspection, or been repaired for damages.  We all need therapy, and without it you can't be the best version of yourself and you're a risk to those that come into contact with you.  Just food for thought.  You're complicit in perpetuating your bitterness if you don't take steps to fix it.

Edited May 13, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Soak]

8 hours ago, Emilyinroses said:

 I just don't know how to start that.

Sit down, write out a business plan. Get a website, and start precuring clients. Think about what sort of businesses you want to target and what your training would look like.

I'd actually work on the training package first. You need to have something to sell. 

You might want to offer prospective clients a free training afternoon in one of your modules, perhaps something light and introductory, such as "enjoying your workplace and improving productivity" etc. 

You might also want to have three tiers of training packages, so you have a variety to sell. 

 

[DatingMom]

I totally get it. I've been through the bitterness too at some point. It can get quite demoralizing. I started seeing a therapist for some time while I was going through a rough dating patch. It really helped just talking about someone in person about the men I was dating, and getting someone else's perspective on how actions and reactions. The therapist I was seeing was very compassionate, so that helped. She would give me homework, i.e. certain things to try on a new date. It helped me be more self-aware.

[Gaeta]

Time only will not heal anything. 

1,5 years single is plenty of time.

I am 6 months out of a big betrayal and l don't intent on hibernating 10 years like previous breakup/betrayal.

Here is what i'm doing. I took the pressure off my shoulders by putting myself in category seeking friends. It allows me to be out there, getting messages, setting up meetings, without letting my mind go crazy and suspicious. I'm not investing myself, i'm putting the tip if my toe in the water. Then it will be up the ankle and l hope meeting someone that will inspire trust to grow again and i'll jump in up to my neck.

Edited May 14, 2021 by Gaeta

[Maldives]

I don't think we ever forget or get over these trust issues which is a good thing in some ways our antenna is up. I had some counselling around it and what my counsellor suggested was really profound. She said the first thing to consider about trust is the expectations we put on others that they should meet all our needs and never hurt us are so unrealistic. That in itself gave me an epiphany. We just can't lump people into that category we have to go into it with a degree of expectation that no one can know exactly our hurts and needs and we can't know there's either so we need to manage our expectations entering especially into a relationship. J realised at any point someone can leave and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it that's life. 

[chillii]

l do believe in this department it may well be a lot harder on women if they do not choose very carefully. Bc although l'd say these days women probably screw around just as much as men later on , with in just the meeting early on , the guys do really seem to play the part turn it on and just spin the bs regardless and l see how hard it must be for a woman picking the real.

But like l always say , and not many like it bc they can't go without but you've gotta take your time and be very selective.  And then when you do meet someone you think is right , or hopefully that absolutely knocks your socks of and you his , it's even more important to take the time. And don't go sleeping with him until your both sure , which could be a few wks at least but if he's as blown away as you are then that's nothing and it'll be well worth the wait. And yeah , l know , there's always the first night stories and they've been married 30yrs since, but if you just read about even ls unfortunately that's not often the case. But eh, lf l was gonna be married to someone 30yrs, it'd be pretty sad and get boring pretty fast if there was no build up way back when to me anyway.

Edited May 14, 2021 by chillii

[Miss Spider]

15 hours ago, Goodguy05 said:

I don't think we ever forget or get over these trust issues which is a good thing in some ways our antenna is up. I had some counselling around it and what my counsellor suggested was really profound. She said the first thing to consider about trust is the expectations we put on others that they should meet all our needs and never hurt us are so unrealistic. That in itself gave me an epiphany. We just can't lump people into that category we have to go into it with a degree of expectation that no one can know exactly our hurts and needs and we can't know there's either so we need to manage our expectations entering especially into a relationship. J realised at any point someone can leave and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it that's life. 

I got over a lot of the trust issues that stemmed from being bullied by both my peers  as child and my first ex. Largely. I’m not saying you always can, but it’s definitely possible. Just want to put the hope out there. 

Edited May 14, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Miss Peach]

On 5/13/2021 at 6:38 AM, Emilyinroses said:

I have heard of Meetup.com and some hiking and other events, can give it a try. 

I highly recommend this. I have met so many dates and friends this way. My last 3 boyfriends I met in different groups on Meetup. I also was recently dating quite a few men I met through different groups (until I met current BF). For me there is a mix of people similar to OLD but I have better luck with serious guys there. You also usually have the chance to interact with them a bit to gauge chemistry or red flags. In my city a lot of people in groups overlap so you can also see if anyone has a reputation if you know enough people in enough groups.

 

This is the hard part of dating but you have to give people a basic level of trust when you begin and move it up or down as you learn more about them. It takes time. It's tempting to want to know the ending right away but you'll drive away good people if you do that. I would also work on your self esteem. You need to trust in yourself to have you back at all times. If you can do that then what the guy does doesn't really matter so much anymore.