How to stop being bitter when dating?

[Emilyinroses]

Hi guys, I have been noticing that my guard is so up when dating and I can detect BS so much from afar which is great, but I am also very bitter in regards to men in general which is not good at all.

One year and a half ago I was engaged and he left me on the spot after an argument when I was sick with a bacterial infection and asked him for time on my own to rest. He was very insecure and thought I was going to break up with him (which I reassured him I wasn't) but he got really angry, took all his stuff from my house and broke up with me.

He then met someone else really quick, moved in with her after a month and got married after 3 months.

I was left devastated and feeling stupid for trusting him. Since then I took some time off from dating but since I decided to start dating again months ago I notice that I am so scared of getting involved with someone again that I am so bitter and sarcastic with guys as a defense mechanism and so I only attract the wrong ones or even if they are ok I don't give them a chance.

For example, last guy I talked to we were talking about travelling, and he says to me he went somewhere many years ago with a gorgeous blonde girlfriend he had at the time. I was so pis*** off by him saying that (I am brunnete), I told him ok go see if that girlfriend is still available then, and bye. I thought wasn't he supposed to be calling me gorgeous, not to a past girlfriend?

The silver lining is that I can smell BS really quick and avoid bad situations, but then I am lonely and I feel I am always looking for reasons to stop talking, and I can be quite bitter and rude in my responses.

My true nature is not that, I normally am sweet and caring. I feel that I am waiting to meet the right man with whom I can be sweet and caring, but on the other hand if I am feeling bitter I won't meet the right one because I don't give any guy a chance.

In the past before my break-up I used to be that really sweet girl so men would ask me out left and right. Now I haven't had a date in months, despite the fact I am on OLD and talk to a lot of guys.

Any ideas? Thank you.

Edited May 13, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Woggle]

Take some time on your own so you can heal before jumping back in.

[d0nnivain]

You are not ready to date yet.  Do some more work on yourself to return to a happy well grounded place but don't lose the BS detector. 

What that guy said to you  was cringe worthy.  He could have told you about the place by just saying "friend" or even GF.  The modifiers were uncalled for but your reaction was over the top.  There were nicer ways for you to say "next".  So it may be time to step back & find more balance.  

[BaileyB]

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You are not ready to date yet.  Do some more work on yourself to return to a happy well grounded place but don't lose the BS detector.

Absolutely this. 

FYI, your guy who dumped you and moved on quickly to get married to his new “wife” in three months - that’s not necessarily a “good” thing. I would rather be in your position than his right now... those who act in haste, tend to repent at leisure. 

[Emilyinroses]

6 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Absolutely this. 

FYI, your guy who dumped you and moved on quickly to get married to his new “wife” in three months - that’s not necessarily a “good” thing. I would rather be in your position than his right now... those who act in haste, tend to repent at leisure. 

I was told by a friend he got divorced after a few months, lost his job and is living with his parents. So yes I rather be in my position otherwise I would be the divorced one possibly living with my parents. And instead I built my own business and bought a new house.

Edited May 13, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Emilyinroses]

13 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You are not ready to date yet.  Do some more work on yourself to return to a happy well grounded place but don't lose the BS detector. 

What that guy said to you  was cringe worthy.  He could have told you about the place by just saying "friend" or even GF.  The modifiers were uncalled for but your reaction was over the top.  There were nicer ways for you to say "next".  So it may be time to step back & find more balance.  

I am not sure if I am not ready to date again. I feel I am ready to be in a relationship, I'm just not into this dating thing and trying to figure out how they are and stuff. Why can't I just meet the right person and that's it!?

And yes there were nice ways to say next, but after him saying that to me I felt like giving him some rudeness back.

Edited May 13, 2021 by Emilyinroses

[Emilyinroses]

17 minutes ago, Woggle said:

Take some time on your own so you can heal before jumping back in.

I already did take a lot of time on my own.

[d0nnivain]

1 minute ago, Emilyinroses said:

I am not sure if I am not ready to date again. I feel I am ready to be in a relationship, I'm just not into this dating thing and trying to figure out how they are and stuff. Why can't I just meet the right person and that's it!?

Dating is the necessary 1st step to finding a relationship.   Perhaps you need a better pre-screening process?  

Do you generally have a good picker or not?  I was always adept at finding the diamond in the rough so dating was relatively easy for me but I am aware that there are a lot of bad guys out there.  

When I was dating around the time I met my husband I made a point of doing at least 1 thing every week to meet new people.  I hated OLD & stopped that after 90 days.  So what are you doing to safely put yourself out there?  

[Emilyinroses]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

Dating is the necessary 1st step to finding a relationship.   Perhaps you need a better pre-screening process?  

Do you generally have a good picker or not?  I was always adept at finding the diamond in the rough so dating was relatively easy for me but I am aware that there are a lot of bad guys out there.  

When I was dating around the time I met my husband I made a point of doing at least 1 thing every week to meet new people.  I hated OLD & stopped that after 90 days.  So what are you doing to safely put yourself out there?  

Well we just came out of lockdown a few weeks ago, so I am doing nothing at the moment to put myself out there and meet new people. I also work from home and my friends live far, so I have no social life at all.

I have heard of Meetup.com and some hiking and other events, can give it a try. 

[d0nnivain]

Meetup & the hiking group sound like great ideas.  Think about networking events, even if on Zoom.  Consider taking an industry class.  Volunteer somewhere doing something important to you.  

[Emilyinroses]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

Meetup & the hiking group sound like great ideas.  Think about networking events, even if on Zoom.  Consider taking an industry class.  Volunteer somewhere doing something important to you.  

Yes I can look into all that as well, thank you.

One thing I wanted to do is to start doing business training, as in going to companies and train them in what I do, since I have been doing it for nearly 15 years and have quite an experience. I just don't know how to start that.

[BaileyB]

21 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I was told by a friend he got divorced after a few months, lost his job and is living with his parents. So yes I rather be in my position otherwise I would be the divorced one possibly living with my parents. And instead I built my own business and bought a new house.

You definitely win!  

For me, it was deciding two things.

1). I didn’t need a relationship. I would only be in a relationship with someone who brought something to my life. I was more than capable of building a happy life on my own. That took the pressure off to try and make it work with people that were not right for me.

2). Whatever happened, I knew that I would be ok. I could deal with it. He wanted to dump me when I was sick - good riddance, I will move forward on my own. We decide to marry and then divorce - no worries. It’s a hassle but I’m grateful for the time we had together and I will now walk my own path. You see what I mean? I can stand on my own, and my happiness is a priority - the rest, I will deal with. If it brings me joy, great. If it doesn’t, see ya later! 

Edited May 13, 2021 by BaileyB

[Pumpernickel]

24 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

I already did take a lot of time on my own.

I agree. It's been 1.5 years, and if you feel you're ready, you're ready. Doesn't mean you have to continue, if it's not working out for you. You can always take a break form dating in-between, if need be, and then go back to it. What happened to you with your ex-fiancé was horrible, and I am sure that in the meantime you've come to the conclusion that he wouldn't have been a good husband anyways. So that's good riddance! And maybe that was exactly the experience you needed, because it taught you to smell BS from miles away. I feel dating, and especially OLD, is very time-consuming, and that's why I am staying away from it (for now). For some people – like you maybe – it can be a nice distraction, as it keeps you busy and you get to meet new people. If you're open-minded, this can help you find out what you don't want, which makes the "search" more effective in the future. I think what it all comes down to is – are you currently enjoying meeting new people? Or do you find it exhausting? Does it disappoint you a lot if a date doesn't go well? (the one example you mentioned about the guy telling you he went on a trip with a gorgeous blonde was an extreme (horrible) example; everyone would feel disappointed & disrespected in such a scenario)

I think if you do OLD, your expectations should be relatively low every time you start talking to a new guy. Expect the worst, and be pleasantly surprised if you have a nice time and you actually like the guy after your first meeting. If we go in hoping to find our next fiancé, I think we are doomed right from the start. Anyway – I don't think the issue is that you're "not ready"; maybe you are just tired and exhausted from meeting new people that don't meet your expectations. And I can totally relate. I wouldn't have the patience, either. Good luck, though! And yes – add meetup groups! Maybe a combination of those and OLD will be a good strategy.

Edited May 13, 2021 by Pumpernickel

[d0nnivain]

16 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

One thing I wanted to do is to start doing business training, as in going to companies and train them in what I do, since I have been doing it for nearly 15 years and have quite an experience. I just don't know how to start that.

Being an entrepreneur is time consuming.   There is a lot to learn but tons of opportunities to meet people along the way.  I met my husband at a business card exchange about 2 years after I opened my company.  

Do note that corporate training is now done almost exclusively on line.   Even when the world re-opens expect this to remain the norm because it's cheaper. 

[Emilyinroses]

29 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Being an entrepreneur is time consuming.   There is a lot to learn but tons of opportunities to meet people along the way.  I met my husband at a business card exchange about 2 years after I opened my company.  

Do note that corporate training is now done almost exclusively on line.   Even when the world re-opens expect this to remain the norm because it's cheaper. 

Yes it is very time consuming. I am going to check some entrepreneurs groups, would be good to meet other like-minded people to exchange ideas. If not to meet my next boyfriend it will be good to make friends too. I feel like I need that.

[Emilyinroses]

44 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You definitely win!  

For me, it was deciding two things.

1). I didn’t need a relationship. I would only be in a relationship with someone who brought something to my life. I was more than capable of building a happy life on my own. That took the pressure off to try and make it work with people that were not right for me.

2). Whatever happened, I knew that I would be ok. I could deal with it. He wanted to dump me when I was sick - good riddance, I will move forward on my own. We decide to marry and then divorce - no worries. It’s a hassle but I’m grateful for the time we had together and I will now walk my own path. You see what I mean? I can stand on my own, and my happiness is a priority - the rest, I will deal with. If it brings me joy, great. If it doesn’t, see ya later! 

I have been married once and divorced, ages ago. And after this last experience I don't even know if I want to get married again. But sometimes I do feel lonely, like it would be good to have someone to share life with, to give and receive love and support, to be there for each other, to be intimate with. I miss all that like crazy.

[sunny-daze]

I agree with some of these other posters. I think you need to take some time to heal. I felt the same way when I first tried dating again after my last big break-up. I was so bitter and jaded, that I was just looking for the worst in people. Anticipating there was something wrong with them before they'd really given me any indication of what type of person they were. I ended up deleting all my dating apps and taking a couple of months. I went back to school, reconnected with old friends I'd lost touch with during my relationship, and started focusing on taking care of myself. When I started dating again, I was hopeful. Not bitter. 

[Emilyinroses]

33 minutes ago, sunny-daze said:

I agree with some of these other posters. I think you need to take some time to heal. I felt the same way when I first tried dating again after my last big break-up. I was so bitter and jaded, that I was just looking for the worst in people. Anticipating there was something wrong with them before they'd really given me any indication of what type of person they were. I ended up deleting all my dating apps and taking a couple of months. I went back to school, reconnected with old friends I'd lost touch with during my relationship, and started focusing on taking care of myself. When I started dating again, I was hopeful. Not bitter. 

Yes I feel that way, that I am looking for the worst in people and anticipating there is something wrong with them. Then I believe because my focus is on that, I am in some kind of loop where I meet a new guy, see the worst, delete and get validation for my BS detector, then meet another guy, same, and so on...

I tried to be sweet and happy and it doesn't work, after a while I go back to bitter again. But I don't feel like taking some time off. Every time I tried to do that, I end up wanting to meet the right person and back on the Apps. I'll take the advice here and meet people in real life. I am not bitter in real life.

[sunny-daze]

8 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Yes I feel that way, that I am looking for the worst in people and anticipating there is something wrong with them. Then I believe because my focus is on that, I am in some kind of loop where I meet a new guy, see the worst, delete and get validation for my BS detector, then meet another guy, same, and so on...

I tried to be sweet and happy and it doesn't work, after a while I go back to bitter again. But I don't feel like taking some time off. Every time I tried to do that, I end up wanting to meet the right person and back on the Apps. I'll take the advice here and meet people in real life. I am not bitter in real life.

Meeting people in real life is definitely much different. I think it's easy to get jaded using dating apps because you really are weeding through a lot of b.s. just to find someone genuine. I really wish you the best of luck and hope you meet someone great!

[BaileyB]

35 minutes ago, Emilyinroses said:

Yes I feel that way, that I am looking for the worst in people and anticipating there is something wrong with them. Then I believe because my focus is on that, I am in some kind of loop where I meet a new guy, see the worst, delete and get validation for my BS detector, then meet another guy, same, and so on...

It becomes a self fulfilling prophesy. Yes. 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Emilyinroses said:

I have been married once and divorced, ages ago. And after this last experience I don't even know if I want to get married again. But sometimes I do feel lonely, like it would be good to have someone to share life with, to give and receive love and support, to be there for each other, to be intimate with. I miss all that like crazy.

I hear you, it is not wrong to want those things. 
It is the most frustrating thing, anything else you want in life you can set a plan and make it happen! With this, you can set a plan and then... you have no control over whether it will actually happen or not.
I guess my point, and I know that it sounds cliche, all you can do is make peace with that. Whatever the outcome, I will be happy. 
And then, as has been my experience, it was in the letting go that I found my happiness (both as a single person, and in a relationship). 

Wish you all the best! I hope you find what you are looking for in life. 

Edited May 13, 2021 by BaileyB

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Emilyinroses said:

Yes I feel that way, that I am looking for the worst in people and anticipating there is something wrong with them. Then I believe because my focus is on that, I am in some kind of loop where I meet a new guy, see the worst, delete and get validation for my BS detector, then meet another guy, same, and so on...

Try to downshift to neutral.  Come at this with no expectations.  Don't assume the worst.  Don't have pie in the sky expectations that the person is The One.  Instead just sit back & observe.  See who the person for who they actually are but when you encounter bas stuff / BS then you you assess it for what it is & move on.  

[mark clemson]

Speaking generally, I think many men can sense "bitterness"/negativity (if that's what this is) and it is a red flag to many of us, much like "neediness" is a red flag to many women.

So that is one possible issue, I think you could consider therapy to get yourself in a happier place WRT to men generally and/or "fake it" especially during initial dates (which can be a bit like job interviews in the sense that there is a lot of assessment going on) if you are up for that and have the requisite acting skills.

Quote

Why can't I just meet the right person and that's it!?

From reading this site and making some reasonable conjectures about adult dating, I would surmise that:

- People's lives are more complicated, with e.g. Ex's, high pressure jobs in some cases, and kids floating about

- Many of "the good ones" (and probably plenty of "bad ones") who want to be in LTRs are in LTRs

This leaves you primarily with:

- "Good ones" who prefer to date around/are happy on their own

-"Not-so-good ones" (in a variety of ways, not all of which are readily clear and obvious)

- A relative few "good ones" who are "finally really ready to settle down" into an LTR, and

- "Good" (and "not-so-good") ones who's LTRs ended AND are looking for a new LTR (rather than to "just date" or be single)

 

I think you need to face that reality. There are plenty of "good ones" for LTRs if you put them all into a room, but percentage -wise they are going to be fewer and widely-distributed. So, I think you should realize that finding "the right guy for you" for a LTR is going to probably involve some genuine searching, effort, and probably at least a few setbacks. That doesn't mean it won't happen - it probably will. But it's not likely to be as easy or convenient as one would probably wish.

 

Edited May 13, 2021 by mark clemson

[Miss Spider]

Hey sorry that happened to you.

You just stop... you make a concerted effort to go into each date with a clean slate and not make him pay for the sins of another guy. You make an effort to go into each date your best, trying to make the experience as positive for both of you as you can. 

If your bitterness is too deep/pathological for that, get some therapy to try to unravel it. 
 

Best o luck to you.

Edited May 13, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[smackie9]

I say you dodged a missile with your ex. Can you imagine what it would have been like with him when married with kids and he pulls behavior like that on you? You would have been miserable. You should be looking at his departure as a gift.

As for dating, put the committed relationship thing on the back burner, and just go out on dates just to get out of the house. When you set your expectations aside, and just be out for fun, it will have a much better feeling and not so anxious.

Edited May 13, 2021 by smackie9