LunadelToro Posted May 13, 2021 Posted May 13, 2021 Hello kind internet strangers First of all, thank you for reading and offering me advices! I've been seeing a guy for almost a year now. He has a very sweet demeanor, very sensitive and empathetic. A very stable man emotionally, very patient and very kind in general. He always put me as a priority, is really good at communicating and overall a decent man. However, he is very very very forgetful. He doesn't remember a lot of stuff regarding me. As example, we were talking last night just before sleep and I told him I have today and tomorrow off. He called me this morning and asked me, "How's work?" It was even worse in the beginning. I talked to him because it made me feel very insignificant, many many times. He has made some effort to remember the important ones (like my birth date) but completely forgotten other stuff. I know this seems pretty innocent but after having to tell him "Babe, I told you so many times before", and "Babe, you've already asked me this" I just kinda lost it today. Whenever we talked about this, I will tell him how it made me feel that I'm not important to him and he will tell me that he does care, I'm important to him, but all of it is just talks. Do you think his forgetfulness is a sign that he hasn't been listening or paying attention to me at all?
d0nnivain Posted May 13, 2021 Posted May 13, 2021 I don't know but it would be annoying. I thought you were going to say he forgets your birthday so I was going to suggest you remind him but that is a bit much. The bright side is that I think he does care. If he didn't care he wouldn't have reached out to make contact. Does he have any other cognitive deficits? Maybe it's a true learning disability? BTW, your opening -- "hello kind internet strangers" brought a smile to my face. Thanks for that.
Author LunadelToro Posted May 13, 2021 Author Posted May 13, 2021 8 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: I don't know but it would be annoying. I thought you were going to say he forgets your birthday so I was going to suggest you remind him but that is a bit much. The bright side is that I think he does care. If he didn't care he wouldn't have reached out to make contact. Does he have any other cognitive deficits? Maybe it's a true learning disability? BTW, your opening -- "hello kind internet strangers" brought a smile to my face. Thanks for that. I'm glad that it brought a smile to your face! hehe I don't think so, he's a DevOps engineer though so his favorite excuse is because he's tired. A lot of times he wouldn't even remember anything from the conversations we had the night before. I'm sort of person who builds connection that way, so I don't feel emotionally engaged to him at all when he doesn't even remember what we talked about. He always said that it's because he's constantly thinking about work stuffs so he doesn't have a lot of space for other things. He assured me that he loves me, cares about me and all, but he doesn't understand that it didn't mean anything if he doesn't show it in action. Often times I had to demand him to remember, and it gets tiring. I stopped trying to have a conversation with him and he doesn't even notice, although he initiates most contact now. Basically this is what we talk on a daily basis: - Good morning - have you eaten? - okay, good luck / have fun with _! -I love you - I miss you - Good night
d0nnivain Posted May 13, 2021 Posted May 13, 2021 I hate texting. So if somebody wanted to judge my level of caring about them through my texts they would conclude I didn't like them. Judge his actions not just his texts & words but if your love language is words you have to tell him that. He may never change. Then you have to figure out if you want a life time of this.
introverted1 Posted May 13, 2021 Posted May 13, 2021 Does he just forget things about you or about what you say? Or is it more general and he is like this with everyone?
central Posted May 13, 2021 Posted May 13, 2021 I don't remember details and specifics, usually, although repetition over a period of time will solidify some. My brain and memory just doesn't work that way. I can remember general things, processes (ways to figure things out, for example), and very momentous events. This is even though my training and career have been sciences, math, and information technology. I usually can remember details of what just happened within the last few days, or planned for the next few, though. When it comes to people, my accumulated experience with them is either more positive or more negative, so some I like and some I don't - but I don't remember many details about why that is. My wife remembers so much more, details from interactions many years past, where we stored the paperclips, etc. The interaction details are important to her, and she is disappointed that I can't remember them - and can't even if I try (which I have). But I'm kinder, nicer, and more loving to her than anyone has ever been, and have been so consistently for a long time. I hope that continues to be more important than something she shared with me 15 years ago - or even last week.
sunny-daze Posted May 13, 2021 Posted May 13, 2021 Someone else mentioned a difference in love languages. I'm having a similar situation, and have been debating making my own post. It does sound like you need words of affirmation, though, and he's not providing that. Honestly, it took my current boyfriend months to remember my work schedule even though it's always the same. I'm curious about what it's like when you're together? Do you feel like he shows interest through his actions, rather than his words?
smackie9 Posted May 13, 2021 Posted May 13, 2021 No just because he's got an intellectual career doesn't mean he can't have a learning disability. He might be on the spectrum where very smart mathematically, but everyday things like "What did I have for dinner last night?" would have him struggling. There's a common joke that men do forget anniversaries and birthdays. A lot of time it's because they are very busy with their careers/ stressed out, that take up a lot of their headspace. If I were you I wouldn't take this so personally. He struggles to remember, but it doesn't mean he doesn't care. This is who he is he can't help it. Just make it into a joke and say "Oh honey you forgot again? what am I to with you" lol 2
elaine567 Posted May 13, 2021 Posted May 13, 2021 Yes sometimes very bright men can be forgetful. I had a lecturer who was renowned for his forgetful ness. VERY very clever guy, a bright spark in his field, BUT... One day he arrived home to his wife and she asked, where are the kids? He left in the morning with the kids, and left them somewhere. He retraced his steps and found them in the middle of town... He had literally no clue until his wife asked him where they were. 1
Mrin Posted May 13, 2021 Posted May 13, 2021 I'm curious to know if he's like this just with you or is the forgetfulness a pervasive thing in his life. Is he on any medication right now? I once went on Chantix and it punched a massive hole in my short term memory. Completely freaked me out because I have a memory like a steel trap. 1
Happy Lemming Posted May 13, 2021 Posted May 13, 2021 Purchase one of those big paper calendars (that you hang on the wall), fill in "dates of interest", your work schedule for that month and anything else important. Give it to him and tell him he needs to keep up with it. When you get your work schedule for next month, have him fill out the calendar. Teach him to refer to it.
ShyViolet Posted May 13, 2021 Posted May 13, 2021 Did you ever consider that maybe he's not doing this on purpose, maybe he truly has a very bad memory and he can't help it? That's what it sounds like. I don't think he would ask you "how's work?" on your day off on purpose. That sounds like an honest mistake. You getting so mad and frustrated about this is pointless and counterproductive. Maybe you should try thinking of this as a "disability" that he has. How would you treat your boyfriend if he had a different kind of disability, like if he was dyslexic and had trouble reading? Would you get angry at him? Or just learn how to work around it? 1
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