Not sure if we broke up but here's my story (and issues encountered)

[nymphbyyourside]

We have a very good relationship going for months until the lockdown on our areas hit hard on us. We had arguments or little fights before the lockdown, but we were able resolve them and put them to bed once discussed. I love how maturely we discuss those things. I had brought up things that bother me from time to time like him being a person who does not update me and had to be reminded about it. And that at times I feel like he is only messaging me or doing Facetime with me during his convenient hours. He said he was just busy at home because the business is established there. Sometimes he is ok with messaging and Facetiming but there are times that he is not. Then, I just got used to it and I don’t want to feel bothered about it anymore. At the beginning of the relationship I was informed that there are things that he might not be ready to share yet, but he will get there and that he asked for my understanding, so I did. I just said that please don’t drop a bomb on me and he said there’s nothing like that and later on he said it’s about his broken family and their issues with each other. Sooner or later he will open up to me as much as he could. I don’t ask because I respect what he told me and I don’t want him to tell me things if he wasn’t ready. 

 

 

After three months of being together, I am only his friend in Instagram and not on Facebook. I asked him about it on our first month and he said that he will soon add me and that I shouldn’t worry because he is not hiding anything. At the back of my head, if there’s nothing, then we can be friends there, but of course I didn’t say this and just get on with it. So since we were on the third month, I asked him while we were sitting on the couch talking random stuff. I asked “Hey why aren’t we friends on Facebook?” And he answered back with a why, and I was like because I am your gf and I don’t see anything wrong with it. He said “because it’s my private life.” I was leaning on him but I saw myself pulling away from that position and was like what. I felt disappointment and was a bit angry with how he responded to me so that day was so bad that I couldn’t talk to him. Next day we talked about it and he explained to me that he’s been alone for so long he doesn’t know how to share things to openly to people and that doesn’t mean he is doing anything bad behind my back. I was only mad or disappointed with the answer but still I am wondering why a gf will not be added. But ok I let it pass and tried to understand his privacy.

 

Then lockdown happened in our cities and we can’t see each other. We communicate via messages and Facetime during morning and/or before we sleep. This has been our normal. As I mentioned he was running a business at home, with his friends. And one time I checked their page and seen they haven’t opened for three days and that was from Friday till Sunday. All along, I thought they were because he texted me the same timeframe he’s been texting me every single night for those days telling me that they are almost done and will call me later. On that Sunday during our afternoon Facetime, I asked if they were still going to open ‘coz it is already late and he even said yes. That time I didn’t know they weren’t open at all. I only knew it Sunday night and talked to him about it on Monday. I talked to him nicely asking him if they opened. He said yes and quickly turned his head to think and then changed his answer to no. That’s a major sign of lying that is why I did ask during Facetime so I see how he’s gonna lie to me. I asked him why a very simple thing wasn’t told to me and I don’t wanna be petty about it, I just don’t like being lied to. He said they opened for a short while only. Next is that their seaman from abroad came over. Next is that he's busy that Saturday working on their stocks. That Saturday they have been drinking which I was informed about and he called me after in which I was able to ask questions about who they were drinking with. I was told it was the guy from the other village who became their friend at the store because is a customer. See, the seaman friend wasn’t told during that call, but was brought up during the time I was asking him bout his lies. I was pretty much convinced there is a lie or there were lies going on there. I can’t help but cry because I was hurt. And what other lies can he tell me soon or what lies have he told me back then? Small or big of course. Next thing he’s telling me was his family issue he told me sometime that week. It was his father wanting to talk to him and since they haven’t talked in a while he was contemplating on whether to talk or not and since that was that weekend, he said he was afraid to tell me he needed space or time to think because of how I will react. Ok fine with that fear of my reaction, but if a person or if I needed space to think I won’t be even be drinking with friends because I needed some time alone. Again, how can I believe this?

 

(sorry this is a novel but please bear with me)

 

That was an outstanding issue that I can’t bring up because of his upcoming interviews. And during the new week, the family issue escalated. This time he said he may not text me the next morning, but he did though but it was only a good morning and a text at night telling me he’s having a headache. The week went on and we were dry in communication. I had to understand. I had to be patient. We hardly text or call. He Facetimed me on Saturday that week and checked in on each other. Of course, we were happy seeing each other. The next week, our texting were going fine with a little bit of Facetime if I requested. He said he is ok physically but not emotionally which or course I figured. He wrote me a beautiful message on our monthsarry and he’s not a fan of long messages but he did so I appreciated it and we Facetimed that day and was a very good one for both of us. Some days were good and the other day were not much. I’ve been dying to see him but it’s just that we can’t yet. One day my Dad asked me about him and that if he can talk to my bf because he is leaving and maybe my bf can be here with me for the time being. I told my bf my dad wanted to talk to him about something important. That day he was going out with a friend and I asked if maybe he can be dropped off so here at night and he can leave in the morning if he wanted to. He outright declined me even if i said it was important and that it wasn’t me but my dad requesting for him. I felt sad about it. Frustrated. Disappointed. Felt like he is someone I cannot depend on. Again, I had to push this feeling aside because he is going through something. I felt being unimportant and all. Then, last week he was going to his Mom’s and we finally were about to see each other either Sunday (after at his Mom’s) or Monday. He said he will update me if he can make it on Sunday. Guess what? Nothing. I only heard from him at 10:30pm. Like geez I’ve been waiting whole day. And I haven’t told this yet, but there are times that I am just waiting and waiting and waiting, and he will respond very late even if I said if he can update me a bit earlier so I can also sleep. Anyway, moving forward - I saw the text in the morning but I didn’t reply and had no plan replying, but in the afternoon i had to answer coz maybe something came up. He said his Mom was sick and he was scared it might be COVID and he doesn’t want me to worry. Fine. Our problems are piling up and that time I was getting afraid too. We talked on the phone and I asked if he was ok and what were the symptoms and gave advice what to do. And then of course, I had to remind him to update me with anything so I don’t get worried. Guess what? Next day, after sending him worried texts and a few calls, I got a text at 7ish evening. Like wow. How can someone not quickly reply in the afternoon if you have your phone. Yeah In understand he may be worried too of course, but at least tell me that he will update later. I was pissed again but I cannot show it because he is having problems and all and that everything is heavy for him. We had a phone call that night and I cannot help again but cry bout his actions. He said he knew he is being selfish and that he has lapses. Am glad he knew those but it would be good if he does something. I told him how worried sick I was about their situation. They were negative for COVID so we had a sigh of relief there. We told  how much we miss and love each other. We tried to Facetime but connection issues. So that week he’s at his Mom’s. We only had quick convos a day. Thursday no text at all which is a bit unusual for him as he always text whenever late. That pissed me off big time. Let me tell you, I wanted to text him it’s just that all this time, even before all these issues, I was always the one checking up on him, and he do it only when it is convenient for me. I said to myself I cannot do this anymore and if he texts me on Friday I might as well ignore it. But unfortunately my fingers quickly replied his message on Friday which was around 8:30pm. Man, this was my last straw I said to myself. All those weeks we were having these issues, I keep praying to be stronger. It’s just that I can’t hold onto it anymore. The feeling was, I had to ask every single time, not a voluntary update. Again he wasn’t letting me in. I felt pushed aside for a long time, like I wasn’t needed even if I had told him I will be there for him whenever and I truly meant everything. So i replied cold texts and I was like so pissed. And since my heart was so heavy with frustrations, I told him to text me only when he is ready for me. He replied me next day (which was just last Saturday) that he don’t think he will be ready. He also said that he don’t think I will embrace his situation. And he said as well that with what I have texted him, that I don’t fully grasp his situation. I was hurt and all when I read that he will not be ready. It was devastating. I explained to him how i felt during these times we were having issues. I said that I don’t wanna talk over text and that we can talk when we get much better. No replies after that till today.

Kindly see what you can advice me here. We are not texting or calling each other. So more likely a no contact phase. I am not even sure if that was a breakup already. I am ok to initiate contact, it’s just that with our history of me being the texter, I don’t wanna annoy him. He didn’t say if he wants a break or if he doesn’t want to continue anymore. Maybe he needs time and will contact me later. I don’t wanna be hopeful. I don’t want to play mind games here or like who will survive without contacting each other. I set aside pride and ego for this relationship to work. He will not have experienced me being worried-sick if I was updated properly. We could have been drama-free. I don’t wanna be stressed. My anxiety got triggered for all these stuff. And all I wanted was my inner peace. I also wanted him to realize what’s going on and that’s why I had to tell him to text me only when he is ready. I got tired. I tried to pause but I am just really tired and exhausted trying to understand him when he doesn’t even make a way to make me understand. I can surely comprehend but I need to be informed of what is going on.

[d0nnivain]

This was problematic from the beginning.  You initially characterize it as a "good" relationship but admit that you fought all the time  It's good that you can maturely disagree but to fight implies dysfunction. 

You always wanted more from him then he was willing to give.  You wanted more contact, more disclosure, more time & he wasn't forthcoming.  Adding you on 1 social media platform but not the other seems silly but it would raise my suspicions too.  You're feelings that you were pushed aside were accurate.   You wanted more than he could give,  & you still do.    This is never going to work because he is both incapable & unwilling to give you what you want / need. 

You are broken up & he's not coming back.  Devote your energy to your own healing.   

Edited May 11, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Sun Seeker]

Sounds like breaking up is the best option.

You seem to be last on his list of priorities. I don't buy the whole 'He has things going on so I will cut him some slack'. He is purposely making you the least important person in his life, which is very sad to read.

You should be the one to tell him this is a break up. Then go and find yourself a man instead of a kid who doesn't appreciate his girlfriend or know how to treat her.

[nymphbyyourside]

It’s all in my gut feeling. From the very start, I knew it. I’ve seen red flags and yet I ignored them. Maybe I am this person who wanted to make things work. I don’t even think that I am asking too much from him. I only ask what I know is right. I also talked to him about feeling that I am not even a priority in his life. Not that I am asking to be at the top, I can be second or third, and I wanted to feel important, coz who wouldn’t, right? I have given so much in this relationship. Not that am complaining or that I wanted it to slap to his face. No, I am not that. I was the giver, he was the taker. I grew tired of being on the sidelines, being contacted during his most convenient times not even considering my time of sleep. I felt manipulated into a love where I was the one working on everything. I felt so used. I knew it and I hope I did something from the very start. Well, I thought I did, by voicing out my concerns, sitting with him and talking about stuff.

I did my part. I shared everything to him. It is time for me to let go. For the past days without contact, I feel at peace and getting more inner peace. I don’t have a heavy heart. I may think of him from time to time but I will get through it. I don’t cry since the second day, and I always tell myself “I deserve better.”

[d0nnivain]

 I'm glad you are feeling more at peace about things.  He wasn't the right guy for you. 

But I wanted to comment on what I highlighted below: 

1 hour ago, nymphbyyourside said:

. I don’t even think that I am asking too much from him. I only ask what I know is right.

You were asking too much from him.  You were asking for what was right for you.  That doesn't make it right for him.  Because you have different ideas of how much contact is required in a good relationship, you were wrong for each other

[nymphbyyourside]

I made my peace with asking contact from him. Coz I see he wasn’t changing so I am done with that.

and yes, we are not right for each other. We weren’t the ones that can best meet each other’s needs.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

This relationship was very lopsided and not functional. 

You were very clearly not a priority to him, and he made sure to keep you out of his life in many ways. I don't think he was being honest with you about why he was so secretive or unreachable at times. 

You are better off without him. He didn't want the same things that you did. 

[nymphbyyourside]

That I’ve been telling myself that I wasn’t a priority. I knew it in my gut. Am an open person so I told him how I felt about it. I just realized today that I let him knew about it for so many times and I only heard an explanation, not something he will do about it. 

4 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This relationship was very lopsided and not functional. 

You were very clearly not a priority to him, and he made sure to keep you out of his life in many ways. I don't think he was being honest with you about why he was so secretive or unreachable at times. 

You are better off without him. He didn't want the same things that you did. 

He texted me a Hi. I hardly check my messages so I don’t get the urge to check up on him. I responded back with a Hello. I am not expecting anything here but if he is up for a decent talk about our issues and how we are moving forward with it, am ok with that. Am totally fine without him for sure. I would miss him maybe, but that would wear off very soon. 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, nymphbyyourside said:

I would miss him maybe, but that would wear off very soon.

I think it would too, given how sad this relationship made you a lot of the time.

I am sure he has his good qualities, but the overall tone of aloof and distant behaviour will not be missed. 

[nymphbyyourside]

He checked up on me last night. I ain’t bitter with him or anything so I replied him nicely - not pissed, frustrated or mad anymore. I kept my replies short. He told me he misses me. I didn’t reply that exact message.

 

And yeah it is true how sad I have been during the times that we weren’t seeing each other. Yes, he has good qualities which I loved about him. It’s just that, I think I become broken during this past month.

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think it would too, given how sad this relationship made you a lot of the time.

I am sure he has his good qualities, but the overall tone of aloof and distant behaviour will not be missed. 

With his messaging tone yesterday, he does not have any endearment but am sure he thinks about me. Maybe he realized what he said before he went AWOL. And that’s okay if he truly meant it. If he wants to personally talk about it, he can initiate it and I will see it from there. This maybe for me can help for a closure if we are down that road.

[d0nnivain]

You give yourself closure.  You don't get it from the other person.  If they had the ability to talk about your relationship, you never would have broken up in the 1st place. 

[nymphbyyourside]

46 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You give yourself closure.  You don't get it from the other person.  If they had the ability to talk about your relationship, you never would have broken up in the 1st place. 

Thank you. Without his physical presence for long, I think I have tried to ready myself with the situation like this. Each day made me realize I can be at peace, can be more productive. With him telling he is not ready for me, which hit me the hardest, probably that’s the answer.

 

Again, thank you.

[nymphbyyourside]

update: after that convo, he didn’t text me the next day, and so did I. To be honest, I had nothing to do with him. One day he’s checking in on me, the next day he’s not.

I woke up to a 5 am call. Well, he was sorry he has woke me up. My reflex is to always answer calls because there might be emergencies or what. That’s applicable to any caller. I thought I was on DND because my other phone was. It’s just that I don’t expect anything at all. Too bad, I have answered the call. We talked for an hour. He felt lonely. I was silent. I was trying to process it. He said he misses me and he loves me. He asked if I still love him. I cannot answer this question. He said he’ll take it as a no. And then he said he had said things that he shouldn’t. He felt sad and guilty with what he said and he said it because he was frustrated when I said he texts me only when he’s ready for me. I became emotional. I was crying first thing in the morning. I tried not to but when I remember how he has treated me all those weeks, I feel sad that I just let him do it. I told him how I felt and all. I had a decent conversation with him. I wish my phone didn’t vibrate and that I didn’t feel it so I didn’t have to answer. 
 

I felt like I am wrong to still answer his call. I really wish I didn’t, even I feel like telling him what I told him earlier. He didn’t know what he put me through. It sucks I am still nice to him. Though of course I don’t wanna be pissed anymore because I am radiating my inner peace for a while already. Now it seemed to have been disturbed but I will sleep it off.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, nymphbyyourside said:

I woke up to a 5 am call. He felt lonely. He asked if I still love him.

Can you block and delete him? There are psychiatrists, hotlines, friends, family, therapists etc he can call at any hours to vent.