I had an affair. I left. She stayed. Chaos and loss. Some insights?

[Anonomy]

The headline is simple. Married man has long term affair with engaged woman. He leaves. She stays. Lives are ruined. Both he and her are miserable pieces of s***.

I get the low hanging fruit. And judgements are readily formed around the disgust, shock and contempt of affairs though they disregard the nuanced and delicate nature of human relationships, where real people get themselves in seriously messed up situations that are not straightforward, are emotionally charged and disorienting, are real, if not skewed, reality and experiences with real lives who are not all heartless monsters (though it’s easier to think of people as such) and in that I appeal to some objectivity though it’s a forum so welcome all comers.

My four year affair ended 3 months ago.

Me

I have been with my partner for 12 years, married for 7 and have a 6yo daughter. My wife and I separated 12 months ago. During the affair all my emotional, physical and mental energy went to the affair. We lived together, plutonic and coparented. I lost myself completely. For 6 months prior to our separation I was abusing prescription meds. I was self medicating to escape the situation I had escaped into. It was a damn tragedy, for everyone. I was emotionally disregulated, and broken. Living the deceit was wrong and hurtful, my conscience ripped me to pieces (many of you will like to hear that), I hurt my wife in the deepest and most profound way of betrayal, I was not present like I should have been in my daughters life, I completely lost my sense of self, right and wrong, eroded my ability to empathise, be compassionate, understanding, tolerant and patient, and most importantly be properly loving without any ego centric want or expectation of something in return. It really is the most selfish and all consuming experiences one can enact and endure. The future consequences of my actions on my wife, my daughter and the lives of everyone in our immediate and extended network cannot be underestimated. In short, I felt I was a cancer that needed to be excised from an otherwise healthy home. Not to lead the critics, I was equally addicted to my affair partner, and felt unable to kick a dark pervasive, utterly disorienting and all consuming habit and something had to change. I wanted to be “there” for my family by some warped definition of being and on a footing of shattered principles and values,  “there” for my AP too and “there” for myself. Utterly conflicted and weak. I made a decision to end the duplicity. I’m living with that decision. Once we separated I stopped the meds and worked on being better and getting healthy.

Some time after, I told my wife about the affair as I believe she deserves to know the variables that directly affected and impacted her and our lives. I don’t want or expect forgiveness. Im not thinking of self preservation or how this makes me feel or my conscience. Time fir that is over. We are not together. This felt instinctually the right thing to do. For our future as co parents. Her as a woman to know the truth. I want to try and restore some order to the chaos I introduced. She verbally appreciated it and said it was good for her and bad for me. That she never thought she would know what happened though she suspected just not the extent. My wife second guessed herself, questioned her instincts, suspicions, better judgement, lost herself in the process, lost faith and trust in others, lost TIME, precious time I stole, our lives fell apart and I caused the rupture. She deserves infinitely better and the ability to choose her life armed with information. No, our relationship was not perfect or satisfactory otherwise I wouldn’t have had an affair. It needed work, honest communication about wants, needs, desires, an enormous amount of self awareness and commitment to truth and honesty to be healthy. The affair was the symptom of disquiet and my actions changed our lives as we knew it.

Many people friends family on my side know about it. 

Her

The 34 AP has been in a long term relationship for 15 years and engaged the past 5 years (including the affair period). She apparently had a 3 year emotional affair before me and prior to being engaged which turned physical for a a few weeks before it ended. Her mum received a terminal diagnosis 18 months ago which added more stress. She struggled with my having all her ‘firsts’ i.e. a child, getting married, life experiences, etc. in short and in part jealous of my life. Though she maintained she wanted to be with me, planned a life with me but felt bad for her partner and was conflicted as she did not want to hurt him (it’s not lost on me she was hurting him anyway). She was fretting about her biological clock getting older no kids, her mums health, her mental, physical and emotional health suffered throughout. She wanted the relationship but felt stuck and didn’t know what to do and how to do it. She was/is commitment phobic. It was too hard and too destabilising to leave. Fear of exposure was paralysing as were her friends and family networks collapsing. She ended it because of the stress. And perhaps she fell out of love with me. No one on her side knows.

The relationship

We worked together for 6 months which started it. We changed jobs and continued it. We saw each other every day, often 2 or 3 times a day before work, long lunches and evenings. Weekends were more difficult but we managed. We messaged all day, every day. For 4 years. Yes i loved her, believed she felt the same and believed in us and a future. Once it started, it felt the only way any of the chaos made sense was to end up together. My wife said the same thing when I told her followed by ‘was it worth it?’.

3 months ago we argued about commitment and she hung up said she wasn’t going to waste her time on me anymore. We haven’t spoken since. I wasn’t in any way my healthy self in the last year of our relationship though I remained committed to her and was trying to recover and be better.

I saw her and her partner two weeks ago at a dinner. She knew I was there at a separate table with her back to me. 2hrs of ignoring and awkwardness. We didn’t talk or make eye contact. I left. She messaged me 2 days ago. She hopes I’m well. Not sure if I’d deleted her number. Wanted to take a chance to make amends and apologise for actions and inaction. Doesn’t want to live with resentment and regret or me to think i wasn’t valued or loved. Asked to meet up or chat if I wanted to. It’s disrupted my attempts to move forward and get clarity on life and be better for myself and others particularly my daughter. In a messed up way I feel sorry for her partner. They are still engaged and presumably still getting married. You actively ignore such things when the fog of an affair is around you. Yes, it is really that bad and no way to live. I understand things are hard for her however their relationship, which should be none of my concern, is built on many lies. I can’t imagine they would be together long before it happens again or they separate, and then most likely married with children involved. More tragedy. I do and don’t want to reply. I admit I miss her terribly and am now confused. Despite all the suffering, if she were available and willing I would try to make it work. Yes I probably need my head checked. Love, limerance, addiction, whatever you want to call it dies hard. Im convinced there are elements of all three in there which is where the complexity and grey in life is. 

Im confused and frustrated as to what she wants from me? If it’s “closure” its not possible. There is just living with reality and consequence. There has been a lot of loss.

Not sure why I’m writing. Sharing a shitty story. 

Edited May 10, 2021 by Anonomy

[Anonomy]

I left my marriage for my AP after a torrid and intense 4yr affair. She ended it abruptly a year later and stayed with her long term fiancé. We haven’t seen/spoken for months. She is now contacting to see how I am, apologising for her actions and for not doing anything and asking to catch up “if I want” but will respect me “if I don’t”? Is she just making herself feel better?

Edited May 11, 2021 by Anonomy

[BaileyB]

More likely, she wants to know if you are still interested? 

[Stupidkupid]

13 minutes ago, Anonomy said:

I left my marriage for my AP after a torrid and intense 4yr affair. She ended it abruptly a year later and stayed with her long term fiancé. We haven’t seen/spoken for months. She is now contacting to see how I am, apologising for her actions and for not doing anything and asking to catch up “if I want” but will respect me “if I don’t”? Is she just making herself feel better?

Block her. You at least eventually found the courage to end your marriage. She was weak and now she is bored/ feeling bad about you so is making your healing more difficult. Unless she has left her fiancee I can't see a good reason for you to talk. And even then, its a big call.

[Anonomy]

6 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said:

Block her. You at least eventually found the courage to end your marriage. She was weak and now she is bored/ feeling bad about you so is making your healing more difficult. Unless she has left her fiancee I can't see a good reason for you to talk. And even then, its a big call.

I suspect that’s right and yes it i has disrupted the recovery. I’m still emotionally attached to her and struggling to accept the loss so I’m frustrated by her even reaching out. As she said “it may be too little too late”...yeah...strong feeling dies hard though.

[Anonomy]

17 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

More likely, she wants to know if you are still interested? 

Probably. Though it would be to boost her own ego without doing anything with it.

[Wiseman2]

51 minutes ago, Anonomy said:

She ended it abruptly a year later and stayed with her long term fiancé. We haven’t seen/spoken for months. She is now contacting to see how I am

Did the fiancé dump her? That is often the reason someone returns to "catch up".

Edited May 11, 2021 by Wiseman2

[BaileyB]

15 minutes ago, Anonomy said:

I suspect that’s right and yes it i has disrupted the recovery. I’m still emotionally attached to her and struggling to accept the loss so I’m frustrated by her even reaching out. As she said “it may be too little too late”...yeah...strong feeling dies hard though.

Think of it this way, this is a selfish action - for her. 
If she really loved you, she would respect that it is in your best interest to stay no contact. 
But rather than doing what’s in your best interest, she has done what is in her best interest. 

In other words, whatever her motivation, this is about her - not you. 

[Prudence V]

19 hours ago, Anonomy said:

Despite all the suffering, if she were available and willing I would try to make it work.

Then you should meet with her to find out if that is on the cards - otherwise the not knowing will eat at you. If it’s just words she’s offering, walk away - but if she’s left / leaving to be with you, and you’re interested, it’s worthwhile to hear and make a decision based on he evidence. 

[Just a Guy]

Hi Anonomy, as it is often said on this forum "If they cheat with you they will chest on you"! If you remember that you will run for the hills and avoid her like the plague. There is nothing there for you except heartbreak. Maybe it is in your 'Karma' to suffer heartbreak as that is what you dished out to your unfortunate wife. If so go ahead, establish contact with your cheat partner and have her break your heart all over again. Warm wishes. 

[Anonomy]

2 hours ago, Just a Guy said:

Hi Anonomy, as it is often said on this forum "If they cheat with you they will chest on you"! If you remember that you will run for the hills and avoid her like the plague. There is nothing there for you except heartbreak. Maybe it is in your 'Karma' to suffer heartbreak as that is what you dished out to your unfortunate wife. If so go ahead, establish contact with your cheat partner and have her break your heart all over again. Warm wishes. 

Yes it is in my karma. I told my BS about the affair after separating. Not for forgiveness or myself but because it felt right for her to know so she can make sense of reality and heal also. Many people know, and the consequences of my actions on family and friends etc. are significant and painful and long lasting. For the AP no one knows and there are no consequences.

[Anonomy]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Did the fiancé dump her? That is often the reason someone returns to "catch up".

Unlikely. They will probably get married soon. He doesn’t know. They’ve been together for 15 years. And she had an EA for 3yrs prior to engagement which turned physical briefly before that “friendship” ended.

It’s seems more likely she has been pretending I don’t exist for months since abruptly ending it and after seeing me two weeks ago and again pretending I don’t exist (though she panicked hard) it’s reminded her she can’t run away from reality, she’s now reminiscing on some warped and romanticised history of me and us and has reached out to see if I’m (a) still interested for an ego boost, (b) still heartbroken for an ego boost, and (c) to virtue signal how caring she is for the final ego boost, and do nothing about it.

She probably wants to bookend the relationship so she can feel better about herself and get married feeling she’s done everything right.

Writing this out loud is helping me see the insanity of it all.

[dramafreezone]

8 hours ago, Anonomy said:

Is she just making herself feel better?

Yes.

[mark clemson]

On 5/10/2021 at 12:43 PM, Anonomy said:

 I admit I miss her terribly and am now confused. Despite all the suffering, if she were available and willing I would try to make it work. Yes I probably need my head checked. Love, limerance, addiction, whatever you want to call it dies hard. Im convinced there are elements of all three in there which is where the complexity and grey in life is. 

Im confused and frustrated as to what she wants from me? If it’s “closure” its not possible. There is just living with reality and consequence. There has been a lot of loss.

Yes. Limerence "has a life of it's own" and will not fade until your brain adjusts (somewhat like developing tolerance to a drug, you grow fewer dopamine receptors apparently). Even then it is likely to be a slow face unless it becomes completely impossible to have her (and even that may or may not end it).

Until that happens, I suspect getting back with her will be (quite) a bit like a junkie in recovery getting a taste of heroin. It will re-trigger all the "need" for her, turbulent emotions, your brain torturing you over her, etc, etc.

She's been honest in that she will choose her fiancee over you. Don't let your brain fool itself that things will be otherwise (ie, due to limerence). So my advice would to not reopen all the wounds while they're still healing.

Once you heal emotionally and address your addictions, etc (and I think it will be a while) probably the best thing you can do is to resolve to stay completely away from her. That way you can emotionally bond with a new partner (again, eventually) without "interference" from her.

One other thing, DON'T expect the "intensity" you feel for her from your next partner. Strong limerence tends to be associated with dysfunctional "can't have" situations. A normal, healthy relationship probably won't have the "I'm drowning in this" intensity of limerence, but it WILL have positives of it's own, e.g. "new relationship energy," emotional and physical bonding, etc, which are all quite good.

[Anonomy]

4 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Yes. Limerence "has a life of it's own" and will not fade until your brain adjusts (somewhat like developing tolerance to a drug, you grow fewer dopamine receptors apparently). Even then it is likely to be a slow face unless it becomes completely impossible to have her (and even that may or may not end it).

Until that happens, I suspect getting back with her will be (quite) a bit like a junkie in recovery getting a taste of heroin. It will re-trigger all the "need" for her, turbulent emotions, your brain torturing you over her, etc, etc.

She's been honest in that she will choose her fiancee over you. Don't let your brain fool itself that things will be otherwise (ie, due to limerence). So my advice would to not reopen all the wounds while they're still healing.

Once you heal emotionally and address your addictions, etc (and I think it will be a while) probably the best thing you can do is to resolve to stay completely away from her. That way you can emotionally bond with a new partner (again, eventually) without "interference" from her.

One other thing, DON'T expect the "intensity" you feel for her from your next partner. Strong limerence tends to be associated with dysfunctional "can't have" situations. A normal, healthy relationship probably won't have the "I'm drowning in this" intensity of limerence, but it WILL have positives of it's own, e.g. "new relationship energy," emotional and physical bonding, etc, which are all quite good.

Thank you. This is spot on. The addicted brain can feel like insanity, time contracts to minutes past and future, memory is warped and stops functioning, emotions are disregulated, thoughts are confused and cluttered...it’s a mess. 

She shouldn’t be texting me if she really wants to be where she is. And definitely not wanting to catch up and chat.

I’m trying to clean up my mess. She should do the same. Or be honest about what she wants and do it without question. Easy said than done.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Anonomy said:

.She shouldn’t be texting me 

I’m trying to clean up my mess. She should do the same. 

Agree. That's why it's your responsibility to delete and block her from all your social media and messaging apps.

[pepperbird2]

I know this is not a popular view with WS, but the truth is someone who cheats is okay with it. Even if it makes them feel guilty, confused, whatever, they are still, at heat, a-okay with what they are doing.
Of course not every person who has an affair will go on to repeat the pattern. IME, those who don't put in a lot of work on themselves. Following the addiction model, they dont; associate with their OW/OM, the don;t got o the places they used to go with them, and if they have to work together, they find a way to avoid being"one on one" with them.

[usa1ah]

You can definitely write. 
 

Have no clue how to help you. At least you told your BS the truth, most never do. I hope you sort yourself out one day. 

Edited May 12, 2021 by usa1ah