Girl lied about her ex being a friend

[Noproblem]

obviously she is crazy. Block and forget her!

[dramafreezone]

On 5/10/2021 at 10:57 AM, Sadaka said:

A while back i started talking to a girl online, we hit it off and talked daily, pretty much all the time in constant contact.

I knew she had male friends, she'd been very open about it. She's been very adamant how important honesty is and how exes are in the past and how she wouldnt like it if i was still in contact with any of them.

So last week, i came to visit her, she lives about 2 hours away. We had fun, but one thing i noticed was this one guy who she calls her best friend, wrote her ALL THE TIME and she kept responding and even when we were out doing stuff she'd take pics of things(never including me) and send to him and show him. He'd even call her, DAILY.

They seem VERY close and i just learned by doing some facebook stalking, they used to live together and he's her ex. I even overheard him when he called her saying "when we were dating". How do i approach this? I really like this girl but i really dont like this.

We're both in our early 30s.

She's also been saying things like she's not attracted to any of her male friends and has never slept with any of them. But this guy is obviously her ex and he is DEEPLY involved in her life, apparently even comes to visits and she likes it when he does. I have to confront her about it but i dont want her to know i've been facebook stalking.

So you've only seen her once in person?

I don't think you really have any room to be uncomfortable about anything.  If so you're way too invested IMO.

This whole thing doesn't look like it's going to last.  Long distance, and this other guy has way more face time and history than you do.  Why not just go with the flow and date other women ingead of having one-itis for this one?

One thing, I would tell her to stop texting the dude while you're spending time with her.  That's flat out disrespectful and you need to call her out on it.

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Well, i asked her why she doesnt seem interested in talking to me anymore, cause after i left she's been very off. She got very mad about me asking this cause apparently she's been busy with other stuff, but how could i know that when she didnt tell me. I also asked her why she didnt tell me that male friend was an ex. She denies he is an ex and like the idiot i am i told her i stalked the guys facebook page and found it out that way, so she got pissed about me facebook stalking her "friend". 

She got so mad about it she told me to never speak to her again and if i write her she'll report me for harrassment. Still denied they ever dated. 

I dont get it.

 

Let's see, you were acting extremely insecure, then admitted that you're kind of a stalker, and you're wondering why she got mad?

I think most women have dealt with at least one legit stalker in their life, and they behave like you did.

Edited May 12, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Sadaka]

9 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Let's see, you were acting extremely insecure, then admitted that you're kind of a stalker, and you're wondering why she got mad?

I think most women have dealt with at least one legit stalker in their life, and they behave like you did.

Are you saying i dropped the ball here?

If i had not checked this guy's facebook it would probably have taken me much much longer to find out they used to be dating. I dont normally stalk people like this, but i started feeling like something was off and had to check since she was obviously not saying anything.

[Alpacalia]

9 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

So you've only seen her once in person?

That's what I am confused about. 

How is that you are so aware and familiar with her daily phone habits?

1 hour ago, Sadaka said:

Yeah, it just rubbed me the wrong way even if he would have been just a male friend. Cause why would you feel the need to share everything(except me) about your day with someone who's only a friend? I mean first thing she did, i mean literally first thing, every morning, was to pick up her phone and write to him.

[Sadaka]

Just now, Alpaca said:

That's what I am confused about. 

How is that you are so aware and familiar with her daily phone habits?

Well i stayed at her place for 4 days, maybe i forgot to mention that. This was our first and only meetup, me going to hers and staying 4 days.

[dramafreezone]

3 minutes ago, Sadaka said:

Are you saying i dropped the ball here?

If i had not checked this guy's facebook it would probably have taken me much much longer to find out they used to be dating. I dont normally stalk people like this, but i started feeling like something was off and had to check since she was obviously not saying anything.

Why does it matter?  You are not exclusive with her.  Who was her BF, even if she's dating someone else right now is none of your business.

No matter which woman you're talking to/dating there's probably some guy that she's dating or was recently dating that's lurking in the background.  It doesn't matter, if she's dating you and not him there's something he did to mess things up, so why do you think he's any competition for you?

She probably sensed you couldn't handle this information which is why she didn't tell you.  Maybe she didn't handle this perfectly, but you proved her right.

[Sadaka]

3 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

Why does it matter?  You are not exclusive with her.  Who was her BF, even if she's dating someone else right now is none of your business.

No matter which woman you're talking to/dating there's probably some guy that she's dating or was recently dating that's lurking in the background.  It doesn't matter, if she's dating you and not him there's something he did to mess things up, so why do you think he's any competition for you?

She probably sensed you couldn't handle this information which is why she didn't tell you.  Maybe she didn't handle this perfectly, but you proved her right.

Hold on, before we even met we had a discussion about exes and she was very clear that she would not even talk to me if i was in contact with any of my exes. She was very clear saying all her male friends were just that, friends, they never dated, never had sex, werent attracted to each other.

No, we weren't far in to dating and we only met once, but when you're spending your entire days for weeks talking to someone over the phone and they are saying how they are exclusively talking to you and want to date you, you expect them to not be having an ex around like that.

If you go to visit a girl for a few days, who supposedly likes you and wants to date you and she spends a lot of time talking to another guy and making him high priority, wouldnt you wonder what's up with that? Especially when she says things like, she cant wait for next time he visits, how she really enjoyed their picnic last time he was there and talk about how they go on trips together?

 

[d0nnivain]

19 minutes ago, Sadaka said:

Well i stayed at her place for 4 days, maybe i forgot to mention that. This was our first and only meetup, me going to hers and staying 4 days.

Ugh.  Groan.  No.  No.  No.  Just no. 

When you meet somebody off the internet you don't spend your 1st meet in their house.  You meet in public.  Yikes.  I can't image spending 4 days living with a stranger.  Heck even in college when I got matched with my 1st roommate, I spent time away from her because we didn't know each other. 

You are absolutely right though that while you were there a polite person would have paid more attention to you than the person on the phone. 

This was just bad on so many levels.  Be done & move on.  Don't do stuff like this again.   No getting invested before you meet.  1st meets should be quick, no more than 1 hour.  First few dates should be 3-4 hours.  No sleepovers.  No going to the other's house.  Just keep it casual & light while you get to know each other slowly.  

Edited May 12, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Sadaka]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Ugh.  Groan.  No.  No.  No.  Just no. 

When you meet somebody off the internet you don't spend your 1st meet in their house.  You meet in public.  Yikes.  I can't image spending 4 days living with a stranger.  Heck even in college when I got matched with my 1st roommate, I spent time away from her because we didn't know each other. 

You are absolutely right though that while you were there a polite person would have paid more attention to you than the person on the phone. 

This was just bad on so many levels.  Be done & move on.  Don't do stuff like this again.   No getting invested before you meet.  1st meets should be quick, no more than 1 hour.  First few dates should be 3-4 hours.  No sleepovers.  No going to the other's house.  Just keep it casual & light while you get to know each other slowly.  

Yeah you're right, i dove right in to the deep end too early.

[dramafreezone]

14 minutes ago, Sadaka said:

Hold on, before we even met we had a discussion about exes and she was very clear that she would not even talk to me if i was in contact with any of my exes. She was very clear saying all her male friends were just that, friends, they never dated, never had sex, werent attracted to each other.

No, we weren't far in to dating and we only met once, but when you're spending your entire days for weeks talking to someone over the phone and they are saying how they are exclusively talking to you and want to date you, you expect them to not be having an ex around like that.

If you go to visit a girl for a few days, who supposedly likes you and wants to date you and she spends a lot of time talking to another guy and making him high priority, wouldnt you wonder what's up with that? Especially when she says things like, she cant wait for next time he visits, how she really enjoyed their picnic last time he was there and talk about how they go on trips together?

 

If that's true then she's a mess.   The one woman that I dated in the past that said "all of my friends are guys" was actually quite promiscuous.  Anecdotal but still.

Doesn't excuse your behavior though.  You invested way too much time and emotion into someone you hadn't even met.  This type of deference to another person is a tacit comment that you think they're higher value than you are, and will most times lead to them taking advantage of you.

Edited May 12, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Sadaka]

2 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

If that's true then she's a mess.   The one woman that I dated in the past that said "all of my friends are guys" was actually quite promiscuous.  Anecdotal but still.

Doesn't excuse your behavior though.  You invested way too much time and emotion into someone you hadn't even met.  This type of deference to another person is a tacit comment that you think they're higher value than you are, and will most times lead to them taking advantage of you.

Yeah in my experience it usually doesnt bode well if a girl has a lot or only guy friends. In this case i liked her a lot so i was giving her the benefit of doubt but you're totally right that i acted like she had higher value than me and she could no doubt sense that.

[Highndry]

Sorry, but this gal sounds like a skank. Your first meeting was staying at her house, banging her for 4 days while she was still talking to her (ex)boyfriend all the time? Gross. Your standards are low.

[ExpatInItaly]

14 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

What is "talking exclusively"?  Talking on the internet is not a relationship.  The fact remains that you met this girl in person once.  You over-invested yourself.

Agree. This is silly. 

 

[spiderowl]

Sorry this happened to you, OP.  It is easy to fall for someone online and especially if they are giving you signals that they are interested in a relationship and confirming they are not involved with anyone else.  I don't think you did anything wrong, except perhaps to get emotionally involved with someone you didn't know very well. But, it happens, we are only human!

It sounds like from the start, she was not as interested as you thought.  She would not have been spending all that time texting with a male friend.  It's just rude when you have a guest, quite apart from anything else.

Of course, we only know your side of the story.  If she was telling you in advance this was just a 'friends' visit and not to get attached, then she would be justified in maintaining contact with close friends - though it is still rude to keep texting them when you have a visitor.  I'm assuming that all you have told us is true, in which case it's a shame but she obviously wasn't suitable.

Something to bear in mind but I've noticed that the guys I have chatted with online who are most concerned about fidelity and cheating from the start often later admit to having cheated themselves, often more than once.  I am wary of people who make a big thing about fidelity when I am just getting to know them - it might signal they've been cheated on before (in which case I don't want to be with someone who is always watching me to see if I am faithful) or that they have been the cheater themselves, hence the lack of trust.

Edited May 14, 2021 by spiderowl

[Sadaka]

1 hour ago, spiderowl said:

Sorry this happened to you, OP.  It is easy to fall for someone online and especially if they are giving you signals that they are interested in a relationship and confirming they are not involved with anyone else.  I don't think you did anything wrong, except perhaps to get emotionally involved with someone you didn't know very well. But, it happens, we are only human!

It sounds like from the start, she was not as interested as you thought.  She would not have been spending all that time texting with a male friend.  It's just rude when you have a guest, quite apart from anything else.

Of course, we only know your side of the story.  If she was telling you in advance this was just a 'friends' visit and not to get attached, then she would be justified in maintaining contact with close friends - though it is still rude to keep texting them when you have a visitor.  I'm assuming that all you have told us is true, in which case it's a shame but she obviously wasn't suitable.

Something to bear in mind but I've noticed that the guys I have chatted with online who are most concerned about fidelity and cheating from the start often later admit to having cheated themselves, often more than once.  I am wary of people who make a big thing about fidelity when I am just getting to know them - it might signal they've been cheated on before (in which case I don't want to be with someone who is always watching me to see if I am faithful) or that they have been the cheater themselves, hence the lack of trust.

She was giving strong signals she was very interested in a relationship, flat out said so. Same about not being involved with someone else.

It was very clear this was not just a 'friends' visit, it was very much clear beforehand this wasnt just a friend visiting.

Yeah i'm starting to pick up on that, i've never felt the need to bring up fidelity and cheating when talking to girls, cause it's just common sense and expected that people are faithful. I mean i can't say she cheated on me, we weren't in a relationship. But clearly she was not planning on telling me this guy was her ex and planning to have him deeply involved in her life which to me just seems like she would cheat sooner or later. In either case, i could never trust her, especially not around that guy, so it's for the best it ended anyway.

[d0nnivain]

You were only 2 hours apart.  There was no reason on earth to spend 4 days together as your 1st meeting.  If you had dialed back your own emotions & excitement & met in the middle for 2-3 hours as your 1st meeting you could have saved yourself all this drama.  

Still you now learned by her actions that she lied about being open to a relationship & there not being anyone else.  Clearly she wants this other guy.  So bow out.  Whether she gets him or not isn't the issue.  The only thing that matters from your perspective is that she's not available to you.  

[TrueGuy]

On 5/10/2021 at 10:57 AM, Sadaka said:

A while back i started talking to a girl online, we hit it off and talked daily, pretty much all the time in constant contact.

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I would hold back on the contact. It's too much. Try being a little bit hard to get, women love to work hard to get their man. If you're too easy and available it decreases your value to your woman and she'll lose attraction for you. 

I knew she had male friends, she'd been very open about it. She's been very adamant how important honesty is and how exes are in the past and how she wouldnt like it if i was still in contact with any of them.

So last week, i came to visit her, she lives about 2 hours away. We had fun, but one thing i noticed was this one guy who she calls her best friend, wrote her ALL THE TIME and she kept responding and even when we were out doing stuff she'd take pics of things(never including me) and send to him and show him. He'd even call her, DAILY.

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Ok so she is a liar. One of the cardinal sins in my dating life, everywhere actually, is Honesty. I also believe that exes have to be out of the picture because they are always trying to win the girl back and they can also be dangerous for you. Because she has broken the Honesty rule, you have to terminate your contact with her in my opinion because she'll always be lying about everything and will cause you a world of pain and suffering. You just can't work with a dishonest person. 

They seem VERY close and i just learned by doing some facebook stalking, they used to live together and he's her ex. I even overheard him when he called her saying "when we were dating". How do i approach this? I really like this girl but i really dont like this.

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She's disrespectful and a liar and she's also still close to her ex. I don't try and change women when they show these red flags, rather, I stop dating them and terminate all contact. Delete and block her number and never see her again. 

We're both in our early 30s.

She's also been saying things like she's not attracted to any of her male friends and has never slept with any of them. But this guy is obviously her ex and he is DEEPLY involved in her life, apparently even comes to visits and she likes it when he does. I have to confront her about it but i dont want her to know i've been facebook stalking.