Sadaka Posted May 10, 2021 Posted May 10, 2021 A while back i started talking to a girl online, we hit it off and talked daily, pretty much all the time in constant contact. I knew she had male friends, she'd been very open about it. She's been very adamant how important honesty is and how exes are in the past and how she wouldnt like it if i was still in contact with any of them. So last week, i came to visit her, she lives about 2 hours away. We had fun, but one thing i noticed was this one guy who she calls her best friend, wrote her ALL THE TIME and she kept responding and even when we were out doing stuff she'd take pics of things(never including me) and send to him and show him. He'd even call her, DAILY. They seem VERY close and i just learned by doing some facebook stalking, they used to live together and he's her ex. I even overheard him when he called her saying "when we were dating". How do i approach this? I really like this girl but i really dont like this. We're both in our early 30s. She's also been saying things like she's not attracted to any of her male friends and has never slept with any of them. But this guy is obviously her ex and he is DEEPLY involved in her life, apparently even comes to visits and she likes it when he does. I have to confront her about it but i dont want her to know i've been facebook stalking.
Wiseman2 Posted May 10, 2021 Posted May 10, 2021 5 minutes ago, Sadaka said: A while back i started talking to a girl online, i came to visit her, she lives about 2 hours away. Why would she pursue someone 2 hours away? That in itself is a red flag for trouble. She may be on/off with a BF, and of course after one meeting, you are both (hopefully) talking to and meeting local people, so there is no expectation of exclusive dating. Why not just tell her the distance isn't working and end it?
Maldives Posted May 12, 2021 Posted May 12, 2021 My ex was the same be very wary and don't accept it I'd never date a woman again with that type of arrangement it shows they just crave attention and are probably insecure.
ShyViolet Posted May 12, 2021 Posted May 12, 2021 Why are you getting so invested in someone who lives two hours away, who you have met in person ONCE? You are wasting your time. This girl is clearly still involved with her ex and is not completely available. Date someone locally who you are able to have an actual in-person relationship with, not this long-distance pen pal thing. That is not how dating should be.
d0nnivain Posted May 12, 2021 Posted May 12, 2021 You don't approach this. You met this girl once. Talking daily & being in constant contact with a stranger is a problem. Why are you behaving like this? Why are you so invested in a woman you don't know? If you would rather tell her why you will no longer be in touch explain that you thought you two were getting close but upon meeting her you realize that she is still carrying on a relationship with her EX so there is no room for you. She can call her interaction with this man anything she likes but calling daily & constantly sending him pictures while out with another man it's clear he will always be the priority. Don't waste your time trying to pry her away from him. It won't work. Save your dignity & walk away. Next time you meet someone on a dating app, slow down. Do not be so invested before meeting. Wait a few months before moving to daily contact 1
Author Sadaka Posted May 12, 2021 Author Posted May 12, 2021 Well, i asked her why she doesnt seem interested in talking to me anymore, cause after i left she's been very off. She got very mad about me asking this cause apparently she's been busy with other stuff, but how could i know that when she didnt tell me. I also asked her why she didnt tell me that male friend was an ex. She denies he is an ex and like the idiot i am i told her i stalked the guys facebook page and found it out that way, so she got pissed about me facebook stalking her "friend". She got so mad about it she told me to never speak to her again and if i write her she'll report me for harrassment. Still denied they ever dated. I dont get it.
elaine567 Posted May 12, 2021 Posted May 12, 2021 4 minutes ago, Sadaka said: I dont get it. What exactly don't you get? It is as clear as day. 2
Author Sadaka Posted May 12, 2021 Author Posted May 12, 2021 7 minutes ago, elaine567 said: What exactly don't you get? It is as clear as day. Please explain it to me, cause i really dont understand. I was right about the guy? I guess?
introverted1 Posted May 12, 2021 Posted May 12, 2021 2 minutes ago, Sadaka said: Please explain it to me, cause i really dont understand. I was right about the guy? I guess? Either you are right about the guy and she's a hypocrite and liar who is now angry at having been caught out so she wants nothing to do with you or You are wrong about the guy and she's angry about you stalking this guy's facebook and accusing her of lying so she wants nothing to do with you Either way, the bottom line is that she wants nothing to do with you. Personally, I think you've dodged a bullet. 3
Author Sadaka Posted May 12, 2021 Author Posted May 12, 2021 10 minutes ago, introverted1 said: Either you are right about the guy and she's a hypocrite and liar who is now angry at having been caught out so she wants nothing to do with you or You are wrong about the guy and she's angry about you stalking this guy's facebook and accusing her of lying so she wants nothing to do with you Either way, the bottom line is that she wants nothing to do with you. Personally, I think you've dodged a bullet. I'm pretty sure i'm not wrong about the guy. On the guy's dad's facebook page i found pics of the guy and this girl holding hands, hugging and the dad calling her his sons girl. I dont think that's normal, even if they would just be friends.
introverted1 Posted May 12, 2021 Posted May 12, 2021 5 minutes ago, Sadaka said: I'm pretty sure i'm not wrong about the guy. On the guy's dad's facebook page i found pics of the guy and this girl holding hands, hugging and the dad calling her his sons girl. I dont think that's normal, even if they would just be friends. So you dodged a bullet. Would you have rather find this out in 3, 6, 12 months? After she was the mother of your child? Be thankful she showed you who she is early on, before you had an emotional investment.
Author Sadaka Posted May 12, 2021 Author Posted May 12, 2021 2 minutes ago, introverted1 said: So you dodged a bullet. Would you have rather find this out in 3, 6, 12 months? After she was the mother of your child? Be thankful she showed you who she is early on, before you had an emotional investment. You're right, altough i was already heavily emotionally invested, which is why i feel like crap now.
ShyViolet Posted May 12, 2021 Posted May 12, 2021 39 minutes ago, Sadaka said: Please explain it to me, cause i really dont understand. I was right about the guy? I guess? It doesn't really matter whether or not you were "right" about the guy. This girl was not your girlfriend; she was a stranger who you were chatting with on the internet and you met in person ONCE. You overestimated your importance in her life and stepped over the line in getting mad at her about this at all. You built up this fantasy in your head that this was a relationship, when in fact it wasn't really a relationship and you let yourself get invested when you shouldn't have.
Sun Seeker Posted May 12, 2021 Posted May 12, 2021 Off course she got angry because you exposed her lie. She doesn't know the meaning of the word boundary, especially with an ex. Even if he was not her ex, having a male best friend is just wrong and enough to see that you dodged a bullet with her. 1
Author Sadaka Posted May 12, 2021 Author Posted May 12, 2021 8 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: It doesn't really matter whether or not you were "right" about the guy. This girl was not your girlfriend; she was a stranger who you were chatting with on the internet and you met in person ONCE. You overestimated your importance in her life and stepped over the line in getting mad at her about this at all. You built up this fantasy in your head that this was a relationship, when in fact it wasn't really a relationship and you let yourself get invested when you shouldn't have. I dont really think i overstepped about the guy to be honest. We had been in very intimate contact for a good while and by her request we started talking exclusively and she was very adamant about not wanting to talk to me if i was still talking to any of my exes. I asked her if she still talked to hers and she said no.
Author Sadaka Posted May 12, 2021 Author Posted May 12, 2021 1 minute ago, Punterxx said: Off course she got angry because you exposed her lie. She doesn't know the meaning of the word boundary, especially with an ex. Even if he was not her ex, having a male best friend is just wrong and enough to see that you dodged a bullet with her. I agree. Thing is, she had no female friends, only that male best friend and a bunch of other guy friends. She claimed she was not attracted to any of them, never slept with any of them and would ditch them if they showed any romantic interest. But now i see that was a big fat lie.
ShyViolet Posted May 12, 2021 Posted May 12, 2021 1 minute ago, Sadaka said: I dont really think i overstepped about the guy to be honest. We had been in very intimate contact for a good while and by her request we started talking exclusively and she was very adamant about not wanting to talk to me if i was still talking to any of my exes. I asked her if she still talked to hers and she said no. What is "talking exclusively"? Talking on the internet is not a relationship. The fact remains that you met this girl in person once. You over-invested yourself. 1
introverted1 Posted May 12, 2021 Posted May 12, 2021 45 minutes ago, Sadaka said: You're right, altough i was already heavily emotionally invested, which is why i feel like crap now. That's on you. You should not be invested in someone you've only met one time. Talking every day to someone you haven't met creates a false sense of intimacy. It's easy to build a fantasy person based on the little bits the other person chooses to reveal. As you're seeing, reality often doesn't match up. 3
Alpacalia Posted May 12, 2021 Posted May 12, 2021 People have dealbreakers for a variety of reasons. Her ongoing involvement with her numerous male friends and ex-boyfriends makes you uncomfortable, and she is unlikely to change her ways. You're not a couple, sometimes it's best to just extricate yourself from the situation altogether.
d0nnivain Posted May 12, 2021 Posted May 12, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, Sadaka said: She got so mad about it she told me to never speak to her again and if i write her she'll report me for harrassment. I dont get it. She's upset because you called her a liar & you stuck up for yourself. She wanted to use you as a doormat & treat you badly to stroke her own ego. When you wouldn't put up with her nonsense she got upset. She's a very rude person. But you need to take her threat seriously & stay away from her. Block her & move on. She will cause trouble for you if you reach out. 3 hours ago, Sadaka said: You're right, altough i was already heavily emotionally invested, which is why i feel like crap now. I'm sorry you are so hurt but hopefully this is a lesson learned for you. Never get attached until after you have met in person & gone on many dates. Edited May 12, 2021 by d0nnivain
Author Sadaka Posted May 12, 2021 Author Posted May 12, 2021 3 hours ago, Alpaca said: People have dealbreakers for a variety of reasons. Her ongoing involvement with her numerous male friends and ex-boyfriends makes you uncomfortable, and she is unlikely to change her ways. You're not a couple, sometimes it's best to just extricate yourself from the situation altogether. Yeah, it just rubbed me the wrong way even if he would have been just a male friend. Cause why would you feel the need to share everything(except me) about your day with someone who's only a friend? I mean first thing she did, i mean literally first thing, every morning, was to pick up her phone and write to him. 11 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: She's upset because you called her a liar & you stuck up for yourself. She wanted to use you as a doormat & treat you badly to stroke her own ego. When you wouldn't put up with her nonsense she got upset. She's a very rude person. But you need to take her threat seriously & stay away from her. Block her & move on. She will cause trouble for you if you reach out. I'm sorry you are so hurt but hopefully this is a lesson learned for you. Never get attached until after you have met in person & gone on many dates. She claimed i was manipulative and emotionally abusive, but all i ever did was try to be nice to her and it almost seemed liked she wanted to misinterpret a lot of things i did or said so it seemed bad. She did tell me she's been abused a lot before so i figured this was just cause she was trying to avoid it and was sensitive about certain things, but it got to a point where it seemed like i had to answer for things other people had done. I'm not going to reach out to her, there's no reason to, i dont feel any need to do it either.
d0nnivain Posted May 12, 2021 Posted May 12, 2021 7 minutes ago, Sadaka said: She claimed i was manipulative and emotionally abusive, but all i ever did was try to be nice to her and it almost seemed liked she wanted to misinterpret a lot of things i did or said so it seemed bad. She did tell me she's been abused a lot before so i figured this was just cause she was trying to avoid it and was sensitive about certain things, but it got to a point where it seemed like i had to answer for things other people had done. I'm not going to reach out to her, there's no reason to, i dont feel any need to do it either. I'm glad to hear that you won't reach out. Her allegations against you were more reflective. She is the manipulative one & she may have been punishing you for other people's sins. All in all she is not a good prospect. I do hope you pain subsides quickly & that you learn to spot manipulative people going forward.
Author Sadaka Posted May 12, 2021 Author Posted May 12, 2021 16 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: I'm glad to hear that you won't reach out. Her allegations against you were more reflective. She is the manipulative one & she may have been punishing you for other people's sins. All in all she is not a good prospect. I do hope you pain subsides quickly & that you learn to spot manipulative people going forward. Totally agree with you, i guess i should have seen the red flags sooner though.
d0nnivain Posted May 12, 2021 Posted May 12, 2021 11 minutes ago, Sadaka said: i guess i should have seen the red flags sooner though. They didn't really stand out until you met in person. Stuff is not always apparent until you meet in person. So cut yourself a break on that score. 1
Wiseman2 Posted May 12, 2021 Posted May 12, 2021 5 hours ago, Sadaka said: i told her i stalked the guys facebook page and found it out that way, so she got pissed about me facebook stalking her "friend". She got so mad about it she told me to never speak to her again and if i write her she'll report me for harrassment. Yikes. Run from crazy. . Delete and block her and all her people from all your social media and messaging apps.
Recommended Posts