It's NOT about the OW/OM knowing of the marriage, other way around!

[Con's_Gucci_Girl]

I was just reading a few posts about the OW or the OM and how they should feel terrible for what they've done this ans that, blah blah blah.

 

I am NOT an OW nor have I ever been in my life, I came pretty close though, but never bit the bait. I just wanted to aske a question: Why is it always the OW/OM's fault in an affair??? There are times when they don't know of the marriage, and there are times that they do. When they know of the marriage, I guess you could point the fingers at them and say, "Hey, you knew that he/she was married, why did you destroy their marriage if you knew this?"

 

It's easy to point the finger at these people because they "knew", but what about the MM/MW who also "knew" that they themselves were married before sleeping with the OW/OM???

 

Is it not worse for the actual married person to be the one in question here? They are the ones that went against their vows! They are the ones who kept the flame burning with the OW/OM knowingly married. They were the ones who caused the pain for their spouse... so why is it always the OW/OM's fault here? I just don't get it.

 

PLease vent your thoughts!

[Hot Coco]

Ok, I'll vent...

 

This has been gone over and over...I for one have always maintained that the married party is MUCH more guilty than the OW/OM...but let's not make any mistake about it...they're BOTH guilty. Of course, when the OW/OM wasn't aware that the person was married they're not at fault. Now, if they don't end when they find out, then they're guilty too.

 

I guess you're getting the impression that you are because you're on an OW/OM board. Maybe over on the infidelity/cheater boards you might get a different impression. I don't really know because I've been hanging out here for the most part. (Guess I'm a glutton for punishment! tee hee)

[LucreziaBorgia]

Why is it always the OW/OM's fault in an affair??? There are times when they don't know of the marriage' date=' and there are times that they do. When they know of the marriage, I guess you could point the fingers at them and say, "Hey, you knew that he/she was married, why did you destroy their marriage if you knew this?"[/quote']

 

Because for some people, doing wrong (cheating) is one thing - but to be party to that as an OW/OM, and not only knowingly do it - but furthermore not care is incomprehensible. Every read up on a board specifically for OW/OM? I'm not a BS, but I can imagine the horror a BS would feel reading up on OW/OM knowingly and willingly finding their happiness in their relationships with the MP at the expense of the BS is overwhelming. Its sort of like reading "I'm happy with your husband, he is happy with me and I frankly don't care how badly you are hurt." The OW/OM isn't going to feel the pain that the BS feels, and isn't really going to care about it unless it interferes with their relationship with the MM/MW (speaking in sterotypes here, of course). That is why people slam on the OW/OM so hard. Now.. on the other hand...

 

Is it not worse for the actual married person to be the one in question here? They are the ones that went against their vows!

 

It is easier for people to see the MP as someone who knowingly and willingly goes after someone else, but is aware of the pain they are causing their spouse, are guilty about it, and often end their relationships with the OW/OM as a result of not wanting to lose what they have with their spouse.

 

I think the defining thing lies in GUILT and REMORSE. Its easier for someone to accept a situation with someone who feels guilt and remorse from what they do than it is to accept a situation with someone who feels no guilt and remorse, and in fact takes great pleasure in it (as it is perceived, anyway).

 

Now, is that actually how it always is from the OW/OM point of view or from the MM/MW point of view? NO. Not all OW/OM take their pleasure in light of another person's pain like that - and yes, some do feel guilty. But the stereotype of the OW/OM has them being vicious homewreckers, and mercinary type guilt-free people who see the BS as nothing more than someone to be discarded to make way for 'true love'. The stereotype of the MM/MW has them being deeply guilty people who deep down want to preserve what they have in their marriage. Not all MM/MW feel even an ouce of guilt at hurting their spouses. But, its easier for people to believe otherwise sometimes. Processing a situation against a stereotype can be a hard thing to do. People want to hate the OW/OM and forgive the MM/MW - because it reinforces the idea of marriage and what it is supposed to represent.

 

I think that is largely what people react to - the idea of the 'mercinary' OW/OM and the 'guilty' MM/MW, and not the actual individuals and individual situations involved.

[Con's_Gucci_Girl]

Good points from you guys! It just always seemed like the OW/OM got all the fingers pointed at them and that the married M/W who is cheating is the victim.

[allaboutchoices]

My experience is that it is easier for the cheated SOs to blame the OW/OM. THey blame OW/OM for taking an advanted/seducing the cheating SO when they were vulnerable, blah blah.

It is easier to take the anger out on someone you do not know that well. In many case that is like barking at the wrong tree.