Fell for the OW

[torn_heart]

2 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

You say that as a cheating man. You don't know what it is like to give your all to someone who has been stabbing you in the back for the last however many years. 

No, I said that before I was a cheating man (or maybe it was in my genes) and as someone who has had this conversation with people (men and women) before and a lot of them said that they would rather not know. Maybe all of them were cheaters, don't know.

[lana-banana]

You can't continue on with your GF without telling her. Maybe you personally would prefer not to know, but the point is by not telling her you are deciding for her, and that's awful. She deserves to know whether her partner cheated on her. 

[Starswillshine]

56 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

You can't continue on with your GF without telling her. Maybe you personally would prefer not to know, but the point is by not telling her you are deciding for her, and that's awful. She deserves to know whether her partner cheated on her. 

Agreed. 

As a former BS.... as in my ex husband cheated on me and I left him... I wish someone would have told me sooner. I have zero desire to give to someone who just craps on me behind my back. I dont share. I dont compete. Bye, Felicia.  

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, torn_heart said:

No, I said that before I was a cheating man (or maybe it was in my genes) and as someone who has had this conversation with people (men and women) before and a lot of them said that they would rather not know. Maybe all of them were cheaters, don't know.

When this topic comes up on this site, it’s fairly unanimous that people would prefer to know. There is a small minority who says that they would prefer not to know, and it’s usually those who have cheated. They often go to great lengths to try and explain why keeping the truth from their partner is the kind and considerate thing to do… and yet, if they were truly concerned about their partner - they wouldn’t have been unfaithful. Full stop. People who love and respect their spouses don’t have sex or engage in other relationships behind their back.

To keep someone’s truth from them is not a kind or fair thing to do to another human being. It is especially unfair when the person making the unilateral decision to withhold the truth is the person who caused the harm. 

Edited June 10, 2021 by BaileyB

[Amethyst68]

So what you're saying is you want your GF as backup so you're not going to tell her about your cheating. After all if you tell her this time and she stays she's probably going to be monitoring you,  looking more closely in the future. Then when you get bored again you'll have to find new ways to cheat because she'll know the excuses you've already used. 

You don't sound mature enough to be in a steady relationship. You've risked your GF's health enough going out and meeting this woman for sex during lockdown, now you need to tell her about your affair because she needs to go and get an STI check because you've been having sex with this OW.

Grow up, you don't get to keep someone hanging on in the background because they're the nice girl you grow old with while you get your kicks with someone else. The nice girl's entitled to get out there and find the man to have fun with too. 

[mark clemson]

15 hours ago, BaileyB said:

When this topic comes up on this site, it’s fairly unanimous that people would prefer to know.

While this is true, of course this site is hardly an unbiased sample. From what I have seen the majority of people bothering to respond to questions like this on LS seem to be BS's. Not that I doubt that the majority would want to know, but the answers here are probably skewed substantially in that direction, more so than a true random sample would be. Which is why OP's getting the responses he's getting in vivo.

 

15 hours ago, BaileyB said:

To keep someone’s truth from them is not a kind or fair thing to do to another human being. It is especially unfair when the person making the unilateral decision to withhold the truth is the person who caused the harm. 

And this is, of course, exactly why people who are planning divorce and don't immediately inform their spouse, and particularly those who "stay for the kids" are being so unfair as well. Ask most spouses if they'd want to know their spouse is planning to divorce them and I bet EVEN MORE would say that, yes, they'd like to know.

Every day a person plans divorce and doesn't inform their unknowing and relatively happy spouse is a day they are deceiving them in a way that, from the spouse's perspective, would cause them harm. Likewise for the months and years spent "staying for the kids" are a "denial of agency" (or whatever you want to call this) for the partner.

Contemplating a change of religion or a major career change probably fits in here as well, at least for some.

After all, we wouldn't want to have one set of standards for those who choose to stay married and cheat and a different set of standards for those who choose to divorce or for those who choose to lie by omission about other very significant issues.

Edited June 10, 2021 by mark clemson

[BaileyB]

15 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

While this is true, of course this site is hardly an unbiased sample. From what I have seen the majority of people bothering to respond to questions like this on LS seem to be BS's.

Some, but not all. 

And such begins the rationalizations and the justifications - 

[torn_heart]

37 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

So what you're saying is you want your GF as backup so you're not going to tell her about your cheating. After all if you tell her this time and she stays she's probably going to be monitoring you,  looking more closely in the future. Then when you get bored again you'll have to find new ways to cheat because she'll know the excuses you've already used. 

You don't sound mature enough to be in a steady relationship. You've risked your GF's health enough going out and meeting this woman for sex during lockdown, now you need to tell her about your affair because she needs to go and get an STI check because you've been having sex with this OW.

Grow up, you don't get to keep someone hanging on in the background because they're the nice girl you grow old with while you get your kicks with someone else. The nice girl's entitled to get out there and find the man to have fun with too. 

Nope. I never said having her as a backup. Actually if you read all the story things have changed. But I understand you see me as the villain.

My GF doesn't need test because:

1) I only saw my OW at that time, and she only saw me. I know you'll say "you can't be sure she only saw you" but look #2

2) OW already went to the gynecologist and everything is fine.

And yes, as you say, my therapist just told me I'm having a mid-life crisis. 

 

[Starswillshine]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

From what I have seen the majority of people bothering to respond to questions like this on LS seem to be BS's. Not that I doubt that the majority would want to know, but the answers here are probably skewed substantially in that direction, more so than a true random sample would be. Which is why OP's getting the responses he's getting in vivo.

Since we are the ones that have actually been cheated on, we can actually say without a doubt which we would have preferred instead of discussing in theoretical. We know our spouses or former spouses have cheated. If most of the BSs were coming here and saying that they wish they never would have found out and would have continued on in their marriage, then there is some merit. If most of the BSs are saying that they rather have found out versus continuing to live the lie... then you have your answer.

There has never been a point in time that I wish that I never had found out. I don't even wish that we could go back and he would have never cheated. All of it finally exposed the real truth of the man I was married to. 

[mark clemson]

12 minutes ago, Starswillshine said:

Since we are the ones that have actually been cheated on, we can actually say without a doubt which we would have preferred instead of discussing in theoretical.

A fair point, but the question itself is (normally) a general and hypothetical one. Would you want to know...  It is intended that way and can be asked of anyone, so there is no implication that it is better asked of (or answered) by BS's.

As a former BS, would you want to know...   is a different question, or at least geared towards a different/less general audience.

Edited June 10, 2021 by mark clemson

[pepperbird2]

21 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Some, but not all. 

And such begins the rationalizations and the justifications - 

WS are full of those.
Really, all they need to say is "I cheated on my BS because I wanted to and I felt justified about doing so. It made me feel good and quite frankly, I don't care enough about how my BS feels to not do it."

That's the real truth. No explanations needed.

Edited June 11, 2021 by pepperbird2

[pepperbird2]

20 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

Since we are the ones that have actually been cheated on, we can actually say without a doubt which we would have preferred instead of discussing in theoretical. We know our spouses or former spouses have cheated. If most of the BSs were coming here and saying that they wish they never would have found out and would have continued on in their marriage, then there is some merit. If most of the BSs are saying that they rather have found out versus continuing to live the lie... then you have your answer.

There has never been a point in time that I wish that I never had found out. I don't even wish that we could go back and he would have never cheated. All of it finally exposed the real truth of the man I was married to. 

It's like asking someone if they would rather know they have cancer or would they rather live in blissful ignorance, not knowing why they feel so bad.

[torn_heart]

Si I will post an update on how I feel, leaving all the dicussion of telling my GF behind.

I've kept NC with the OW since tuesday. The stupid part is that, even though I haven't contacted her I've eneter her FB page and she has been posting indirect messages to me, making me feel terrible and second guessing my decisions. I've had anxiety attacks, and my therapist keeps telling me that OW is just too violent, narcisistic and if I'm second guessing my decisons I should watch videos about narcisistic personalities.

So, I've watch a lot and and yes, she has a lot of signs of being one, I've also spoke with a friend who knows everything and keeps telling me that I have to make a final decison and stick to it, that if I don't my emotional and mental health are at risk. And he strongly suggest not going down the path of the OW, beacuse it would be a really bad relationship. Still.. I think of her.

I think I'll have to block her from everything, which I have only don once in my life, but it seems she is really sending me signals to make me feel bad, and those signals can get even worse.

[BaileyB]

3 minutes ago, torn_heart said:

it seems she is really sending me signals to make me feel bad

Nobody can make you feel badly without your consent. 

[torn_heart]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Nobody can make you feel badly without your consent. 

That's what my therapist keeps telling me, but I have self esteem issues that I'm working on that have made me this way.

[Prudence V]

On 6/11/2021 at 4:32 PM, pepperbird2 said:

It's like asking someone if they would rather know they have cancer or would they rather live in blissful ignorance, not knowing why they feel so bad.

This is perhaps a good comparison. 
 

The U.K. has revised its protocol on breast cancer screening as a result of “overdiagnosis” of minor breast cancers - the kind you “die with”, rather than “die from”. I have a close friend who s very active min this arena after her own diagnosis, and mastectomy, and subsequent research on the matter led her to regret having (1) the diagnosis and (2) the subsequent pressure to undergo the mastectomy. She is now of the opinion that she would far rather not have known, and would rather have “died with” the minor cancer she had, which would have allowed her to live her live more fully (post-mastectomy she is now on certain drugs *for life* which have given her osteoporosis, which both limits what she can do and what she can get insurance for). Several of our friends have taken her experience as a “cautionary tale” and now decline the annual mammograms. 
 

Similarly, there are BSs (on these boards too) who express regret at having been informed about the A, and the loss of the M as a result (either through D, or through it must never properly recovering even if they are still “together”) who are clear that they would rather not have known. It may not be the dominant discourse, but it is a valid choice. Perhaps not the choice I would make, but I am not in their shoes. 

[pepperbird2]

1 hour ago, Prudence V said:

This is perhaps a good comparison. 
 

The U.K. has revised its protocol on breast cancer screening as a result of “overdiagnosis” of minor breast cancers - the kind you “die with”, rather than “die from”. I have a close friend who s very active min this arena after her own diagnosis, and mastectomy, and subsequent research on the matter led her to regret having (1) the diagnosis and (2) the subsequent pressure to undergo the mastectomy. She is now of the opinion that she would far rather not have known, and would rather have “died with” the minor cancer she had, which would have allowed her to live her live more fully (post-mastectomy she is now on certain drugs *for life* which have given her osteoporosis, which both limits what she can do and what she can get insurance for). Several of our friends have taken her experience as a “cautionary tale” and now decline the annual mammograms. 
 

Similarly, there are BSs (on these boards too) who express regret at having been informed about the A, and the loss of the M as a result (either through D, or through it must never properly recovering even if they are still “together”) who are clear that they would rather not have known. It may not be the dominant discourse, but it is a valid choice. Perhaps not the choice I would make, but I am not in their shoes. 

Taking this down to the individual level, why would any WS assume their spouse doesn't want to know? The WS is making a major life decision for the BS without them even knowing it.
Using your analogy ( and speaking from personal experience) knowing the cancer is there opens up a world of options. One can choose to simply monitor it, have it removed, start medication/ radiation or whatever. The first step in that is knowing it's there. Once you do, you  have choices to make- fully informed choices.

[pepperbird2]

13 hours ago, torn_heart said:

Si I will post an update on how I feel, leaving all the dicussion of telling my GF behind.

I've kept NC with the OW since tuesday. The stupid part is that, even though I haven't contacted her I've eneter her FB page and she has been posting indirect messages to me, making me feel terrible and second guessing my decisions. I've had anxiety attacks, and my therapist keeps telling me that OW is just too violent, narcisistic and if I'm second guessing my decisons I should watch videos about narcisistic personalities.

So, I've watch a lot and and yes, she has a lot of signs of being one, I've also spoke with a friend who knows everything and keeps telling me that I have to make a final decison and stick to it, that if I don't my emotional and mental health are at risk. And he strongly suggest not going down the path of the OW, beacuse it would be a really bad relationship. Still.. I think of her.

I think I'll have to block her from everything, which I have only don once in my life, but it seems she is really sending me signals to make me feel bad, and those signals can get even worse.

op,

please, please PLEASE cut this ow out of your life NOW, and if you can't, then break up with your GF.
I'm not saying that to be mean, but because I've been the BS where the OW wasn't stable. She sounds very much like your OW, and it took more than ten YEARS to for her to leave me alone. Her affair with my spouse was relatively short, and when it ended, she took it out on me.
I'm not alone in that- it's not uncommon. It took going to the MPs and the civilian police to get her to stop. From what I understand, the majority of affairs end, and while both parties may be hurt and angry, they deal with it. A few other women/other men go down a different road.
 

[mark clemson]

17 hours ago, torn_heart said:

I think I'll have to block her from everything, which I have only don once in my life, but it seems she is really sending me signals to make me feel bad

Probably for the best. If you can make contact essentially impossible it may help even more to keep her off your mind.

BTW, many people have some narcissist or borderline traits without actually having personality disorders. This is actually fairly common apparently.  Either way though, from a logical perspective you probably want this woman out of your hair. Your emotions may be telling you something different, but that too is fairly common in bad relationships (including affairs that are going south) and for many it is wiser to resist (or eliminate as much as possible) the emotional "pull".

[torn_heart]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

Probably for the best. If you can make contact essentially impossible it may help even more to keep her off your mind.

BTW, many people have some narcissist or borderline traits without actually having personality disorders. This is actually fairly common apparently.  Either way though, from a logical perspective you probably want this woman out of your hair. Your emotions may be telling you something different, but that too is fairly common in bad relationships (including affairs that are going south) and for many it is wiser to resist (or eliminate as much as possible) the emotional "pull".

My guess is that maybe she isn't really narcisistic, but since her last relationship was with someone who kept lying to her she became like this, in one of her messages she told me that "she was letting her past influence her future too much" . That's why I still don't buy that she is narcisistic and why I'm still thinking of her.

I'm keeping the NC (actually I have only broken it once or twice since this started) but specially I'm not looking at any of her social Media, if I do it, then I'll block. I still not sure to do it, because, since I don't know what's on her mind right now, what I'm afraid of is that I block her and she might react much more paranoid.

I know for a lot in here I'm the villian or don't believe me,  but tbh I come here to tell my story, I'm hurting way too much, can't sleep, can't work, there's no reason for me to lie in a place I can tell everything as it is, as I live and as I feel it without repercutions, since we all (or almost) use an Alias. I made bad choices that I thought wouldn't have a big impact, because never thought I'd get emotionally involved with my OW (she neither). 

[Starswillshine]

The way I am seeing this:

The OW provides ups and downs, and this is exciting. It is a lot of drama, but it is addicting. It's an obsessive, lustful type of love. You know in your mind that this isn't something that can be sustained long term. 

Your GF provides stability. It is the true type of love that is sustainable. But it is boring. This is a mature type of love...

 

Find out why it is you still are liking the ups and downs. 

[torn_heart]

On 6/14/2021 at 1:01 PM, Starswillshine said:

Find out why it is you still are liking the ups and downs. 

Yes, I have to find out why that's exciting.  

I don't know if I've said it before, but since I started dating I was attracted to those kind of personalities, it was after several similar relationships I decided to move away from that type and started looking into more calm/stable women, that's how I found my current gf. 

Since I met the OW, I knew she had that type of conflicted personality, and from the first days we started talking she told me that she was of that type and I told her that I was moving away from that, still we started the affair.

An a little update. Finally, a week of NC, it has been very difficult, specially last days, in some of these I've thought of finishing things with my gf and go back running to her (the OW). The anxiety is terrible, but I know that now that the NC seems to endure that the healing process is really starting.

As I've said here and in more topics, talking about it has helped a lot, the issue is that it's way too difficult to find someone that really wants to listen, I've told the secret to some friends, real close ones, but still I don't want to bother them everytime I have an anxiety attack. Yesterday I even had to schedule an appointment with another therapist (online) just to talk about it and like having another opinion. But I'd love to have a daily session or someone to hear me rant for that much time. As I said, I've told some close friends. Before the breakup it was a sealed secret, but I couldn't hold it anymore, but I can't talk about this with them so often. It's weird, I've just told this to a female friend (that she knows) and I think it has been the person who has showed the most empathy towards me. But, she told me to just runaway from her, since fo her she has really big issues (which I could say, it attracts me more). 

It's very difficult and weird feeling you are in a breakup while I have a girlfriend, it's terrible, the feeling + the guilt it's just terrible, I can say it's the worst breakup in my life, and feeling love and guilt when I see my gf smile... damn. 

 

[pepperbird2]

16 hours ago, torn_heart said:

Yes, I have to find out why that's exciting.  

I don't know if I've said it before, but since I started dating I was attracted to those kind of personalities, it was after several similar relationships I decided to move away from that type and started looking into more calm/stable women, that's how I found my current gf. 

Since I met the OW, I knew she had that type of conflicted personality, and from the first days we started talking she told me that she was of that type and I told her that I was moving away from that, still we started the affair.

An a little update. Finally, a week of NC, it has been very difficult, specially last days, in some of these I've thought of finishing things with my gf and go back running to her (the OW). The anxiety is terrible, but I know that now that the NC seems to endure that the healing process is really starting.

As I've said here and in more topics, talking about it has helped a lot, the issue is that it's way too difficult to find someone that really wants to listen, I've told the secret to some friends, real close ones, but still I don't want to bother them everytime I have an anxiety attack. Yesterday I even had to schedule an appointment with another therapist (online) just to talk about it and like having another opinion. But I'd love to have a daily session or someone to hear me rant for that much time. As I said, I've told some close friends. Before the breakup it was a sealed secret, but I couldn't hold it anymore, but I can't talk about this with them so often. It's weird, I've just told this to a female friend (that she knows) and I think it has been the person who has showed the most empathy towards me. But, she told me to just runaway from her, since fo her she has really big issues (which I could say, it attracts me more). 

It's very difficult and weird feeling you are in a breakup while I have a girlfriend, it's terrible, the feeling + the guilt it's just terrible, I can say it's the worst breakup in my life, and feeling love and guilt when I see my gf smile... damn. 

 

Good for you for being courageous enough to face your demons and try to figure yourself out. Not everyone has the intestinal fortitude to do so.  It's going to really benefit you over the long haul. If you can figure out why you make the relationship choices you do, you'll be on your way to finding someone who is a good match for you.

[torn_heart]

4 hours ago, pepperbird2 said:

Good for you for being courageous enough to face your demons and try to figure yourself out. Not everyone has the intestinal fortitude to do so.  It's going to really benefit you over the long haul. If you can figure out why you make the relationship choices you do, you'll be on your way to finding someone who is a good match for you.

Yes, I hope so.

What I hate is the anxiety, today she wrote just to send me a receipt of her rent (I don't know the term in english, but the idea is that if she misses a payment they would start billing me instead of her) and it was just "Hi you, "the screenshot"" and I just replied "Hi, thanks"

Also, yesterday I went for dinner with my best female friend and told her. She was at some point leaning towards me going with the OW but when I told her what she did after she told me to keep away from her and fix everything with my gf, go to a trip, change enviorments, etc.

As I've said, talking about it helps a lot, you see that some people also make mistakes and also that good friends won't judge you and want the best for you.

My next session with my therapist is on saturday, the weeks are very long now and I hate it.

[mark clemson]

5 hours ago, torn_heart said:

Also, yesterday I went for dinner with my best female friend and told her. She was at some point leaning towards me going with the OW but when I told her what she did after she told me to keep away from her and fix everything with my gf, go to a trip, change enviorments, etc.

Unless you don't mind your GF finding out at some point, I'd be careful how much you share with this or any other friend. "Loose lips sink ships" and affairs are juicy gossip. This woman might decide one day that "you shouldn't marry" your current GF because of what you did while you were going out with her, etc.

You never know how the worm might turn in life, I'd save ALL of this for the therapist.