We were living together and he broke up with me over the phone

[Caroline Moraes]

Hello! 

It has been 3 weeks since my ex broke up with me over the phone, while we were spending some time apart to think about our feelings and if we should try it again. 2 days later, when I left the apt he said “I love you and I care about you.”
 

Since then he doesn’t talk to me at all. The first two days after we broke up we kept talking and I was desperate so I was insisting a lot for him to give us another chance. After that I stopped sending messages and when I did it was related to getting my things in his apartment (oh, he gave me 3 days to leave the apt)

 

I still have the key from the building because I’m getting my mail from there, and I’m considering going there and knocking in his door to try to talk to him. I can’t understand why he did that, in the way he did it and I’m so hurt.

 

Any advices?

[d0nnivain]

He said that because he wants you to think he's a nice person.  He actually doesn't want to be the source of your emotional pain but that doesn't mean he wants to get back together.  

File a change of address card with the post office to get your mail sent to your new place.  Give him the key back & move on.  You can't repair this because he's done.  

[ExpatInItaly]

Just curious, why did you post this in the Other Man/Woman forum?

Do you suspect he's seeing someone else? Did this relationship start as an affair? 

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, Caroline Moraes said:

, he gave me 3 days to leave the apt

I’m considering going there and knocking in his door to try to talk to him.

Sorry this happened. Why did you move out? Why did he insist you leave in 3 days?

Make sure you change your address asap as well as all your passwords on all your accounts.

Have you gotten all your belongings?

It would be counterproductive to march into his building seeking out a confrontation.

He could have you arrested.

Moving out was the breakup, so a call afterward doesn't matter.

[Caroline Moraes]

Answering some questions: That is the only post I created.

The relationship didn’t start as an affair, but he cheated on me before and I gave him another chance.

I think he broke up with me over the phone because he couldn’t face me to make this decision, and he asked me to leave in 3 days because he wanted to forget me fast. 
 

Since he broke up with me he didn’t say anything. He was: You can call and talk to me if you need but I don’t promise I’ll give you the answers you need. 
 

What is bothering me is that I feel I can’t get closure unless I see him.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Caroline Moraes said:

What is bothering me is that I feel I can’t get closure unless I see him.

How long were you staying there/living there? Where did you move to?

"Closure", which is a myth invented to renegotiate,  comes from ending things, moving out etc., not in person confrontations. 

If you show up banging on his door he has every right to call the police, even if he is cheating scum.

Edited May 10, 2021 by Wiseman2

[mark clemson]

It is nice to attempt to get over a breakup speedily and so there is the hope of "settling a few things" in one's mind via discussion and achieving "closure".

However, I think that is not actually particularly realistic, and for most people genuine "closure" comes only with time. This ultimately comes from within (not externally) as you/your brain fully accept the breakup and heal up emotionally to the point where you feel content on your own without the other person and are not at all mentally pre-occupied with the end of the relationship or the emotions surrounding it.

THAT comes naturally with time, and will take time AND eventually arrive regardless of whether/how you communicate with him. At that point you're fully "over" the breakup and ready to find someone else or at least feel fully content without them in your life.

IF you find it difficult to be reasonably content on your own/without someone in your life, e.g. due to feelings of insecurity, you could consider working on that with a therapist as, while it's certainly not the end of the world to be this way, there are probably deeper emotional issues that it might help you to "work on".

Edited May 11, 2021 by mark clemson