moonface Posted May 9, 2021 Posted May 9, 2021 I didn't want to break up with him, I just wanted to tell my feelings. I sent him the message below and he figured I was breaking up and he never tried to stop it. Was my message below that unclear? I am pissed off because he never asked me where I was going with this message, he automatically assumed I was breaking up. We had a big fight on Wednesday, he came over to talk it through but I just couldn't tell my feelings to him. He told me he want to work on the relationship then. I sent the below message to him a couple of days later. The text conversation: Me: I was keep thinking after Wednesday. I love you very much as a person, but something is missing for me. I've been thinking about what's missing for a long time. You once said that you want romance to remain in the relationship. Unfortunately, there is no longer between us ... You are very attentive, kind, understanding and you quite rightly feel that I often speak in an ugly tone and I am impatient. I feel really bad that all this bad comes out of me when we are together and not the good. We also miss the sexual charge from our relationship and feel like we are friends who sleep together. I can’t do this for so long and I tried but I don’t see how it would change in me to have sexual attraction towards you. I love you as a person but you want more. It was very hard to face this but good things can’t come out of me towards you. You were also right that I didn’t want to get to know your friends. He wrote back: If I can’t make you happy, I respect your decision. Me: But I don't want to demote our relationship to acquaintances level. You can also walk our dog sometimes if you'd like. Him: I don't think it is a good idea to keep seeing each other now. When can I drop your stuff off? And that was it. He didn't try to discuss this, he didn't try to talk it through. He automatically assumed that I was breaking up with him.
salparadise Posted May 9, 2021 Posted May 9, 2021 Yes, if I got a message like that I'd consider it done. Why do women do this –– try to put a man on the defensive, or to break up with the expectation that he will "fight for us." This negativity and drama would kill anything that's not already dead. He did the right thing. 6 1
Blind-Sided Posted May 9, 2021 Posted May 9, 2021 Life Lesson here.... NEVER TXT ANYTHING SERIOUS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The issue is... it's too quick, and one sided. You leave out details. And... some people skim. Not to mention, it's super condensed. If you wanted to just talk about the relationship with detail... then you do it face to face. You didn't say how long you were dating... but if I got a text like that... and it was less than a year... I would assume you would have wanted to break up. So, you can be upset... but your method was the biggest factor in this. Sorry 1
Wiseman2 Posted May 9, 2021 Posted May 9, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, moonface said: He wrote back: If I can’t make you happy, I respect your decision. Me: You can also walk our dog sometimes if you'd like. Him: I don't think it is a good idea to keep seeing each other now. Agree. It's a breakup message and there's nothing more to say or do. Also agree that being your dog walker is a poor idea. No contact is best. Arrange a time to exchange stuff and make a clean break. Dragging a breakup out is draining. After you exchange stuff, delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. In the future, don't offer the friendzone when dumping someone or worse, tell them they are allowed to be your dog walker. Edited May 9, 2021 by Wiseman2 5
basil67 Posted May 9, 2021 Posted May 9, 2021 2 hours ago, moonface said: It was very hard to face this but good things can’t come out of me towards you. You were also right that I didn’t want to get to know your friends. That text was 100% a breakup message. The line above being the nail in the coffin. It was an absolute expression that you have no hope for a future with him. While he probably thinks less of you because you broke up by text, nevertheless, he was gracious in respecting your decision. And given what you've written, it's for the best that the relationship is over now. 6
elaine567 Posted May 9, 2021 Posted May 9, 2021 I agree with all, it sounds like a break up message. What were you exactly thinking when you wrote it?
d0nnivain Posted May 9, 2021 Posted May 9, 2021 It was absolutely a break up message. Your takeaway here needs to be that one should Never use text to communicate serious emotional subjects. Communication is 90% non verbal & you lost all of. At the very least if you didn't intend to dump him your message should have included a solution. 3
Author moonface Posted May 9, 2021 Author Posted May 9, 2021 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: I agree with all, it sounds like a break up message. What were you exactly thinking when you wrote it? I was thinking he will want to talk about this with me in person.
elaine567 Posted May 9, 2021 Posted May 9, 2021 38 minutes ago, moonface said: I was thinking he will want to talk about this with me in person. Ok but some of what you wrote was not really discussable, not anything he could change. Something missing No sex, no attraction, no romance... I love you as a person, BUT... What was he really supposed to say to that? The walk the dog seemed incredibly final too... we are split but you can still walk the dog. 4 2
BaileyB Posted May 9, 2021 Posted May 9, 2021 5 hours ago, moonface said: You can also walk our dog sometimes if you'd like. I thought this was the nail in the coffin - we are done, but you can still come walk the dog sometimes, if you like. This is a perfect example of why you should never have serious relationship discussions by text. 7
d0nnivain Posted May 9, 2021 Posted May 9, 2021 "I love you BUT" is a classic break up line. The way you phrased this gave him no hope. He had enough self respect not to beg. If you want a discussion, you need to pick a forum that invites that -- IN PERSON. In person you could have conveyed hope with your eyes even while your words shut everything down. Your chosen medium -- text -- conveyed that you were too cowardly to talk & there was no hope of working through things so he didn't bother. 4
BaileyB Posted May 9, 2021 Posted May 9, 2021 (edited) 27 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Ok but some of what you wrote was not really discussable, not anything he could change. Something missing No sex, no attraction, no romance... I love you as a person, BUT... What was he really supposed to say to that? Exactly. If you wanted to work on the relationship, you needed to have some solutions - let’s plan date night, I would like to talk more, let’s do a 30 day sex challenge, etc... This is just a list of feelings and problems and it sounds dire - I feel like friends who sleep together, all this bad comes out of me, good things can’t come out of me towards you, I can’t do this anymore (for so long, I tried)... those are your words. How would you respond if someone said this to you OP? Would you think that this is a relationship that can or should be salvaged? Would it motivate you to want to talk and work on the relationship? Edited May 9, 2021 by BaileyB 4 1
d0nnivain Posted May 9, 2021 Posted May 9, 2021 1 hour ago, moonface said: I was thinking he will want to talk about this with me in person. Then you should have said that. You can't expect somebody to read your mind. Learn to be more clear in your communication. If you sent a text that said "I feel like things are missing from our relationship. I'd really like to meet up & talk about ways to improve things" you would have gotten a better outcome. 4
BaileyB Posted May 9, 2021 Posted May 9, 2021 (edited) 2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Then you should have said that. You can't expect somebody to read your mind. Learn to be more clear in your communication. If you sent a text that said "I feel like things are missing from our relationship. I'd really like to meet up & talk about ways to improve things" you would have gotten a better outcome. Truthfully, it may have been the same outcome but it would have been much kinder and had a better likelihood of success. Edited May 9, 2021 by BaileyB 3
Pumpernickel Posted May 9, 2021 Posted May 9, 2021 5 hours ago, moonface said: And that was it. He didn't try to discuss this, he didn't try to talk it through. He automatically assumed that I was breaking up with him. There wasn’t much wiggle room for him, though. Anybody would consider that a breakup message. As a matter of fact, I received a similar message (by e-mail, though, but still), and I’m guessing I am much older and had been in that relationship much longer than you with your (now-)ex. And the message wasn’t AS detailed and AS hurtful as yours, and I STILL considered it a breakup e-mail. You’re lucky your ex responded, because I never did. Read it. Deleted it. Was done with him. Never looked back. I’d rather have my hand cut off than reply to something like that. So seriously: consider yourself lucky that he replied. At least he “explained” to you how he understood the contents of your message. No sexual attraction? He’s allowed to walk the dog? You don’t want to meet his friends, because you couldn’t care less about them? I’m not sure if there’s some sort of a language barrier between the two of you, and maybe you didn’t intend to make it sound that harsh, but trust me - you did. Not sure how you can take that back. 1
elaine567 Posted May 9, 2021 Posted May 9, 2021 4 minutes ago, BaileyB said: This is a perfect example of why you should never have serious relationship discussions by text. Exactly, one shocked/angry/upset/sad expression on his face and you may have realised the gravity of the situation. You could have explained yourself and saved the day. As it was you assumed he would just absorb it all and still be ready to discuss it further. Next time do not set off missiles unless you are quite happy for them to do irreparable and irreversible damage. 3
BaileyB Posted May 9, 2021 Posted May 9, 2021 Think of it this way, this relationship was unlikely to be a happy, long term relationship for you. Certainly not based on what you describe above. You have likely just hastened what otherwise would have been a long and agonizing process for you both. Now, you are free to find something that truly makes you happy and brings you joy! Learn from this and move on... good luck! 3
Wiseman2 Posted May 9, 2021 Posted May 9, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, moonface said: I was thinking he will want to talk about this with me in person. After you dump someone and tell them they can be your dog-walker, why would they have anything to say but what he said which is "get your stuff"? Next time don't play games hoping someone "fights for you", when in fact the faux breakup was just to make some sort of point about your discontent. Try to be sincere, honest and communicate in clear direct ways. Most people can see through this type of passive-aggressive manipulation, and cut to the chase which, is exactly what he did.. Edited May 9, 2021 by Wiseman2 3 2
ShyViolet Posted May 9, 2021 Posted May 9, 2021 Your text sounded 100% like you were breaking up with him. His response suggests that he wanted to break up also. He doesn't even ask you any follow-up questions or argue at all. He's just like "OK." It totally sounds like he was also not into this relationship and he's ready for it to be over. So it's over. If you are feeling the way you described in that text, then you should be breaking up, why are you saying that you don't want to actually break up? That's the opposite of what you say in the text. It's not going to help anything by dragging this out. Just accept that it is over and let him go. 3
hippychick3 Posted May 9, 2021 Posted May 9, 2021 There was nothing about your text that sounded like you are in love with this guy and want to stay together. I’m impressed he was so gracious in his reply. If I were him and received this text, I’d absolutely not want to have any further discussion and I’d want to completely cut ties from you. 5 1
kendahke Posted May 9, 2021 Posted May 9, 2021 (edited) 10 hours ago, moonface said: And that was it. He didn't try to discuss this, he didn't try to talk it through. He automatically assumed that I was breaking up with him. It sounded like you were to me. Perhaps you should have prefaced the whole thing with "I'm not trying to break up with you. I just have some concerns that I think aren't being address by either of us and it's impacting the ability for our relationship to deepen to where we both want it to be, which is what I want for us". If this is true: Quote I often speak in an ugly tone and I am impatient. this bad comes out of me when we are together and not the good. we are friends who sleep together. Quote I can’t do this for so long and I tried but I don’t see how it would change in me to have sexual attraction towards you. good things can’t come out of me towards you. You were also right that I didn’t want to get to know your friends. Then it sounds like the prelude to breaking up. No other way to interpret that, really. No one who is sane reads that kind of a laundry list and thinks "this is worth working on". Quote He wrote back: If I can’t make you happy, I respect your decision. I mean, what else was there for him to say after what you said? You made it sound like it was insurmountable and that you've come to a decision. Frankly, it all sounds like you don't like the guy or who/how he is. Quote Me: But I don't want to demote our relationship to acquaintances level. You can also walk our dog sometimes if you'd like. Then you threw him a dismissive bone. You've worked out everything else to clearly convey to him but not how to tell him that this was about your concerns about where your relationship was heading and how to divert that from that course. My advice is to respect his decision and arrange for him dropping off your stuff. Edited May 9, 2021 by kendahke
kendahke Posted May 9, 2021 Posted May 9, 2021 9 hours ago, salparadise said: Why do women do this People do this under the delusion of "fighting for me/us". It's a manipulation tactic. You shouldn't have to fight. You should discuss and have good and open lines of communication. 4
kendahke Posted May 9, 2021 Posted May 9, 2021 5 hours ago, moonface said: I was thinking he will want to talk about this with me in person. But you made it sound like you'd made up your mind and there was no point to any further discussions. He can't unread what you wrote, even if you were to talk to him face to face--you said his friends were a non-starter for you. He shouldn't have to put his friends down for you or the drama you alluded to creating while with him. Life lesson: don't manipulate people. It won't work out well for you.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 9, 2021 Posted May 9, 2021 8 hours ago, moonface said: I was thinking he will want to talk about this with me in person. Then you need some lessons in effective communication. That text sent wasn't it. You completely shot yourself in the foot with that. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted May 10, 2021 Posted May 10, 2021 Hold on, you didn't leave even doors open for him to resolve the problems. So why would this NOT be a breakup note. This is to my mind OBVIOUSLY a break-up note. Were you intending to simply jumpstart a serious conversation about how to improve things? If so, that is a different letter than this, very different. 2
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