I cheated on my perfect husband. Is there any chance of reconciliation .

[AmeliaCrotine]

Hello everyone. I am going through a crisis of my life and need some help in figuring things out.

Approximately, 4 years ago I started having an affair with a former Co-worker. My marriage was oeefect. I had a perfect husband who loved me and cherished me . I had a good sex life and two beautiful children  I had a house . And still I cheated on my husband. It stills shocks me to see how I , myself threw everything I had for some silly fantasies.

 

Starting with my marriage, I was married to one of the best man I could dream of . He was kind , caring and compassionate.  He was a bit hot headed , which made his personality look better . He was dedicated to his work and he was smart in his own ways. My Husband is nothing less than a savior to me. I had a rough childhood . I grew up with 2 siblings and dysfunctional parents. My father was an abusive alcoholic and my mother was a cunning devil. I practically was raised by my own self . After completing my 18th, I stated earning my own money by doing petty jobs alongside my education. He was nothing less than a prince to my miserable fairly tail . He gave me all I wanted. I was provided woth emotional suport, I was given the moral suport and also , he changed his home  town for me after my job had asked me to relocate to Tokyo, Japan.  We stated a family and had two beautiful children. But something was missing. The feeling was being wanted was taking over me. And that's when things escalated.

 

The affair started with very sweet conversation during the office breaks, and then came the late night talks during the overtime , and then came the small dates for business related purposes, then came the monthly office trips for 'business ' purposes. During the fifth month of my affair, things got physical. And it grew larger with oral sex during office times and role-playing sex.

 

In the period of two years, I avoided all contactwotith my husband . He initiated intimact and I declined the offer , due to the guilt of my on going affair . He tried helping me out and I pushed him away to make him as well as myself to ressaure that everything was fine. I was in a dark fog of the affair which made my mind have kinky fantasies of having my lover break the prison of my unhappiness and take me to a better world. The reality was far different . I had everything I needed , I had more than what I deserved. And that's when I took my husband for granted 

 

My affair actually came to an end when my husband found out about it through a female Ex colleague of mine. He confronted me . Things got messy  I was more angry than sad about my affair being discovered. The fog hadn't ended and I still desired for more form my lover. My husband made me leave the house. I took my son ( he was 6 at that time) and went to stay in a motel. My older son didn't want anything to do with me or my husband. He stays alone in Osaka for his university .

 

My affair fog ended when I found out ,  that my lover and me  couldn't be together in any kind of relationship or marriage. It wasn't a complete rejection. He was open to have a casual dating . Nothing more, nothing less. It was a shell shock for me . I was used as a material for sex. Who would want to marry a cheating married woman with 2 children anyway? . That's the time I realized how fool of a person I actually was. The next three months went into a session of self realization for myself. Slowly at a sane once, my brain was processing the mistakes I made and finding for the solution to be out of the mess.

 

I then decided that I wanted to salvage my marriage . My senses to reality came after my realization and I snapped out of the affair fog. But it was too late. My husband had made up his mind. He decided to divorce.  The divorce papers were sent to me in the office.  My entire world shook in front of me. I still remember that day , when I cried and hugged my son tight. I was a total mess. 

 

Fast forward to today, I haven't signed signed divorce papers. I am reluctant on this. But unfortunately my husband wants nothing to do with me anymore. He has left japan. And relocated to his birth country ( United states) . My elder son hates me with all the passion he has. My younger son hasn't seen his father for 2 years. My husband on the other hand is dating a woman and planning a family with her. 

 

February 20, 2021. 

My husband came back to Japan.  Special provisions were made for him because our country is closed during COVID out break . It was the first time that we talked after him finding out about my affair.  He is reluctant to have me as his wife. He simply stated that I am a ' second handed good ' and ' valueless' in his life. He has beocme cold and soulless towards me. His main purpose of the visit was to visit our children .

 

Even after all this I am ready to work on our marriage. I am reluctant to sign the divorce papers and I am planning to not sign the until he gives me a chance. I am ready to be hurt by his words. I am ready to have him hit me. I am ready to deal with Any pain he gives me because the amount of pain I gave him is enough to make him hate me. But I don't want to lose him. I tried individual counseling. I have tried meditation and marriage counseling alone. I have read dozens of books and went through couples who faced infidelity but came back stronger. I have showered my husband with all the love I can. I Cooked his favorites dishes . I made him his favorite chocolates.  But he has thrown this all out. He is firm on his stands and so am I. 

 

Will i ever have him back? Will he ever come back and will I ever have my old family back? I want suggestion on reconciliation . Please help me out

[DKT3]

Ok, so not once did you mention anything about loving your husband.  Worst yet, you say 

1 hour ago, AmeliaCrotine said:

Even after all this I am ready to work on our marriage. I am reluctant to sign the divorce papers and I am planning to not sign the until he gives me a chance

So you get to blow up the marriage after years of forcing your husband to go sexless, because you still wanted to be with the OM and now even more years later dont have the emotional intelligence to sign the papers? 

This last part is very telling and strongly suggests you've not done much in the way of growth 

1 hour ago, AmeliaCrotine said:

Will i ever have him back? Will he ever come back and will I ever have my old family back?

Does it matter to you at all that he doesn't want you back? That maybe he just wants to move on from a very painful and traumatic situation? All I read in your post is Will I, I want, I still. 

I dont believe there is anything good that can come from this. 

[Alfano]

3 hours ago, AmeliaCrotine said:

I am planning to not sign the until he gives me a chance.

As the poster above, I am compelled to comment on this one sentence in your post.

I don't think it's possible for a person to be any more selfish and callous than this.

For once- do the right thing and pick up the damn pen.

[Stupidkupid]

4 hours ago, AmeliaCrotine said:

 

My affair fog ended when I found out ,  that my lover and me  couldn't be together in any kind of relationship or marriage.  ...

I then decided that I wanted to salvage my marriage

My lover didn't want to be with you so yiu went for option 2, your husband?

4 hours ago, AmeliaCrotine said:

Fast forward to today, I haven't signed signed divorce papers. I am reluctant on this. But unfortunately my husband wants nothing to do with me anymore. He has left japan. And relocated to his birth country ( United states) . My elder son hates me with all the passion he has. My younger son hasn't seen his father for 2 years. My husband on the other hand is dating a woman and planning a family with her. 

Sign the divorce papers and let your husband move on with someone who loves him.

I have never seen a WS on here show so little genuine remorse and so much selfishness.

Ita all about how your children hate you, how its affected you.

Let your husband get on with his life.

[edith]

[ ]

If your husband actually had been perfect, you wouldn’t have cheated.

Let that sink in.

Most people on here have been cheated on, myself included, but I understand that cheating doesn’t happen in a vacuum. You are giving your husband way too much credit. Yes, you made a mistake, but you need to get over the idea that he was perfect. Perfect men don’t get cheated on. I don’t doubt that he was supportive, that he loved you, that he valued your family. But that wasn’t enough for you. AND THAT IS FINE. You wanted more, and you took more from someone who could give it. Your husband could not.

I have been cheated on by my husband relentlessly, but I also know that if I were enough for him, he wouldn’t cheat. I am staying with him for our kids, but not once have I entertained any ideas about my own perfection.

Pick yourself up. Love yourself despite your mistake. Get yourself a makeover, make new friends, meet someone other than your OM to help you feel desirable again, then sign the damn papers.

A perfect husband would have forgiven you.

Edited May 28, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
argumentative

[Wiseman2]

A very poignant depiction of the saying: "play with fire, get burned". 

Not signing papers won't keep him,it will just make the divorce more gruelling and expensive for you.

Contact an attorney (your representation, as the defendant) and have them review the paperwork so you can move forward.

 

[d0nnivain]

Look at this from your husband's perspective.  What does he get out of staying with you?  He was perfect, yet you cheated.  Now you are trying to hold him over a barrel.  There is no upside for him to stay. You are continuing to be selfish

[DKT3]

3 hours ago, edith said:

Honey, everyone on this forum is going to bash you. I will not.

If your husband actually had been perfect, you wouldn’t have cheated.

Let that sink in.

Most people on here have been cheated on, myself included, but I understand that cheating doesn’t happen in a vacuum. You are giving your husband way too much credit. Yes, you made a mistake, but you need to get over the idea that he was perfect. Perfect men don’t get cheated on. I don’t doubt that he was supportive, that he loved you, that he valued your family. But that wasn’t enough for you. AND THAT IS FINE. You wanted more, and you took more from someone who could give it. Your husband could not.

I have been cheated on by my husband relentlessly, but I also know that if I were enough for him, he wouldn’t cheat. I am staying with him for our kids, but not once have I entertained any ideas about my own perfection.

Pick yourself up. Love yourself despite your mistake. Get yourself a makeover, make new friends, meet someone other than your OM to help you feel desirable again, then sign the damn papers.

A perfect husband would have forgiven you.

So what your saying is cheaters can't simply be selfish,  or even worse just not a good person?

Plenty of people out there who will cheat no matter what.  This idea that people only cheat because of the partner lacking is vastly inaccurate because we are all lacking,  yet not all cheat. Thier is something that sets cheaters apart from the faithful.....that something is why they cheat, most would cheat no matter the situation. 

Op, still seems extremely selfish,  still seems to only be interested in her pain, in what she wants and doesn't seem interested in what's best for anyone else.  Nah, she is why she cheated. I would say she married a man she didn't love because he offered her stability.  Once stable she looked elsewhere for love and sex. Not that complicated. Also nothing to do with her husband. 

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, AmeliaCrotine said:

Even after all this I am ready to work on our marriage.

Your husband how shown you by his words and actions that it is far too little, too late. 

3 hours ago, edith said:

A perfect husband would have forgiven you.

A “perfect man,” ie. a man with integrity and self respect, would divorce his cheating wife. 

She has only returned to the marriage after being discovered and because her affair partner has rejected her. No individual with any kind of self respect would accept this kind of behavior from a spouse. 

Men tend not to be very tolerant of cheating wives, as evidenced here. Women tend to be much more likely to make excuses to stay and more willing to tolerate the disrespect of their cheating spouse... 

[BaileyB]

25 minutes ago, DKT3 said:

I would say she married a man she didn't love because he offered her stability.  Once stable she looked elsewhere for love and sex. Not that complicated. Also nothing to do with her husband. 

Given her childhood, it would appear that she found the “perfect” man to marry, one who offered the stability that she desired.
That said, the dysfunction that apparently had been her early life found its way into her marriage. And that has nothing to do with her husband. 

[elaine567]

10 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Given her childhood, it would appear that she found the “perfect” man to marry, one who offered the stability that she desired.
That said, the dysfunction that apparently had been her early life found its way into her marriage. And that has nothing to do with her husband. 

Yes part of her rebelled against the safety, security and stability of her marriage and she sought out excitement, risk and chaos instead, as those with dysfunctional upbringings are wont to do. 

Edited May 9, 2021 by elaine567
grammar

[DKT3]

People raised in chaos thrive in chaos and are uncomfortable with stability even after seeking it out. 

Dysfunction offers an emotional roller-coaster.  She spoke of "something missing" that's likely it.

[spiritedaway2003]

OP, I think you need some support, and you probably won't get the kind of support I think you need here.  I think your goal should be to stabilize yourself during this transitory phase in your life, so that you can make the best and rational decisions for yourself and your child. 

Currently, you are knee deep in your desire to "make things normal" that you can't see you're in denial. You are hesitant to accept things as they are. 

In the aftermath of how everything played out, you're seeing that your husband is a more "stable" option (it still doesn't sound like you love him, but that you love him because he's been there for you).  Because you don't have that stability right now (knowing that you hurt your husband with your actions and that your kid is angry at you for what you did), you want to go back to what "was".  Everything was better than because it was, at least compared to now.

What you need to see through is that

1. He was not a perfect husband for you (nor are you perfect for him).  If he was "perfect", you wouldn't be here. Also, people are hardly perfect; try not to idealize people or what was. 

2.  Despite the infidelity, he can be angry at you.  Under NO circumstances do you deserve to be hit.  Get that nonsense and dysfunction out of your head. 

3.  He has every right to end the relationship and marriage.  There are consequences to actions, and this is one possible outcome.  You can express your desire to try to work this out (if he so inclines -- some are willing to work on things), but you should also respect his wishes if he wants to divorce.  It only takes one person to want a divorce, and it sounds like yours made up his mind.   Your withholding the signing of the papers only delays the inevitable.  Time to accept what is done and do your best to move on, as he is trying to do so already.

Let this be a lesson you learn and grow from for your next relationship.  Take care of yourself.

Edited May 9, 2021 by spiritedaway2003

[d0nnivain]

5 minutes ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

2.  Despite the infidelity, he can be angry at you.  Under NO circumstances do you deserve to be hit.  Get that nonsense and dysfunction out of your head. 

I'd rephrase slightly to say he can be angry because of the infidelity but absolutely agree that violence is not the answer.  He should NOT hit you. 

[Marc878]

5 hours ago, edith said:

Honey, everyone on this forum is going to bash you. I will not.

If your husband actually had been perfect, you wouldn’t have cheated.

Let that sink in.

Most people on here have been cheated on, myself included, but I understand that cheating doesn’t happen in a vacuum. You are giving your husband way too much credit. Yes, you made a mistake, but you need to get over the idea that he was perfect. Perfect men don’t get cheated on. I don’t doubt that he was supportive, that he loved you, that he valued your family. But that wasn’t enough for you. AND THAT IS FINE. You wanted more, and you took more from someone who could give it. Your husband could not.

I have been cheated on by my husband relentlessly, but I also know that if I were enough for him, he wouldn’t cheat. I am staying with him for our kids, but not once have I entertained any ideas about my own perfection.

Pick yourself up. Love yourself despite your mistake. Get yourself a makeover, make new friends, meet someone other than your OM to help you feel desirable again, then sign the damn papers.

A perfect husband would have forgiven you.

typical wayward thinking. This wasn’t a mistake. It was a choice you made. Over and over.
 

Your husband made you cheat. Nope. That was a decision you made. 

You deserve a second chance. Nope. 
 

Sign the papers and leave. You wanted out. Now you’ve got what you wanted.
 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, AmeliaCrotine said:

The divorce papers were sent to me in the office. 

Whenever you are served a summons from the courts you need to find an attorney asap. You are being sued for divorce. Your husband is the plaintiff, you are the defendant. It's already filed with the courts, so if you don't sign, he'll win everything by default.

[Marc878]

All you’re doing at the moment is looking for a soft spot to land because your plan A doesn’t want you full time. Gosh, imagine that.
 

So it’s onto plan B your husband. 

[Harry Korsnes]

I think its time YOU WAKE UP and smell the coffee. Leave your stbx alone he's moving on with his life. The more you bother him with your selfishnes the more mest your making him. Stop being selfish and let him move on. This is a classic case of a karma smakk in the face,

Hurts does'nt it? 

[Marc878]

You need a lot of IC. You are not safe for any marriage at this time.

[mark clemson]

Do BOTH of you a favor and let him go. Easier said than done, but there is little to actually be gained from "chasing" him, particularly as he appears to be primarily interested in moving on himself.

Do a little research on the brain chemistry of breakups and try to gain some perspective and self-awareness about what's driving this "need" to have him back.

https://www.insider.com/why-do-breakups-hurt-so-much-2019-2

You may miss "him" but if you are honest with yourself you should realize that, since he's simply not interested IN reconciliation, you are likely to be a LOT better off without the resentment, baggage, sanctimonious attitude and behavior, etc that he will be carrying around in any relationship with you.

While I don't recommend divorce to people, since it seems inevitable in your case, why not set him AND yourself free. You only live once, so give yourself permission to not waste it pining after someone who doesn't want you anymore. If you think therapy would be a good idea, then by all means undertake it as part of what will hopefully be a transformation to a better life.

Edited May 9, 2021 by mark clemson

[Stupidkupid]

2 hours ago, Marc878 said:

typical wayward thinking. This wasn’t a mistake. It was a choice you made. Over and over.
 

Your husband made you cheat. Nope. That was a decision you made. 

You deserve a second chance. Nope. 
 

Sign the papers and leave. You wanted out. Now you’ve got what you wanted.
 

 

 

Edith is long time BS, of the "My husband has been cheating for 10 years with various women and I'm just going to monitor his behaviour obsessively as, providing hes not emotionally involved, its all good" fame

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, AmeliaCrotine said:

But he has thrown this all out.

No. 

You did. 

Edited May 9, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Harry Korsnes]

3 hours ago, Marc878 said:

You need a lot of IC. You are not safe for any marriage at this time.

Nope! She needs to realise Whats she's done!

[Seliana]

15 hours ago, AmeliaCrotine said:

Hello everyone. I am going through a crisis of my life and need some help in figuring things out.

Approximately, 4 years ago I started having an affair with a former Co-worker. My marriage was oeefect. I had a perfect husband who loved me and cherished me . I had a good sex life and two beautiful children  I had a house . And still I cheated on my husband. It stills shocks me to see how I , myself threw everything I had for some silly fantasies.

 

Starting with my marriage, I was married to one of the best man I could dream of . He was kind , caring and compassionate.  He was a bit hot headed , which made his personality look better . He was dedicated to his work and he was smart in his own ways. My Husband is nothing less than a savior to me. I had a rough childhood . I grew up with 2 siblings and dysfunctional parents. My father was an abusive alcoholic and my mother was a cunning devil. I practically was raised by my own self . After completing my 18th, I stated earning my own money by doing petty jobs alongside my education. He was nothing less than a prince to my miserable fairly tail . He gave me all I wanted. I was provided woth emotional suport, I was given the moral suport and also , he changed his home  town for me after my job had asked me to relocate to Tokyo, Japan.  We stated a family and had two beautiful children. But something was missing. The feeling was being wanted was taking over me. And that's when things escalated.

 

The affair started with very sweet conversation during the office breaks, and then came the late night talks during the overtime , and then came the small dates for business related purposes, then came the monthly office trips for 'business ' purposes. During the fifth month of my affair, things got physical. And it grew larger with oral sex during office times and role-playing sex.

 

In the period of two years, I avoided all contactwotith my husband . He initiated intimact and I declined the offer , due to the guilt of my on going affair . He tried helping me out and I pushed him away to make him as well as myself to ressaure that everything was fine. I was in a dark fog of the affair which made my mind have kinky fantasies of having my lover break the prison of my unhappiness and take me to a better world. The reality was far different . I had everything I needed , I had more than what I deserved. And that's when I took my husband for granted 

 

My affair actually came to an end when my husband found out about it through a female Ex colleague of mine. He confronted me . Things got messy  I was more angry than sad about my affair being discovered. The fog hadn't ended and I still desired for more form my lover. My husband made me leave the house. I took my son ( he was 6 at that time) and went to stay in a motel. My older son didn't want anything to do with me or my husband. He stays alone in Osaka for his university .

 

My affair fog ended when I found out ,  that my lover and me  couldn't be together in any kind of relationship or marriage. It wasn't a complete rejection. He was open to have a casual dating . Nothing more, nothing less. It was a shell shock for me . I was used as a material for sex. Who would want to marry a cheating married woman with 2 children anyway? . That's the time I realized how fool of a person I actually was. The next three months went into a session of self realization for myself. Slowly at a sane once, my brain was processing the mistakes I made and finding for the solution to be out of the mess.

 

I then decided that I wanted to salvage my marriage . My senses to reality came after my realization and I snapped out of the affair fog. But it was too late. My husband had made up his mind. He decided to divorce.  The divorce papers were sent to me in the office.  My entire world shook in front of me. I still remember that day , when I cried and hugged my son tight. I was a total mess. 

 

Fast forward to today, I haven't signed signed divorce papers. I am reluctant on this. But unfortunately my husband wants nothing to do with me anymore. He has left japan. And relocated to his birth country ( United states) . My elder son hates me with all the passion he has. My younger son hasn't seen his father for 2 years. My husband on the other hand is dating a woman and planning a family with her. 

 

February 20, 2021. 

My husband came back to Japan.  Special provisions were made for him because our country is closed during COVID out break . It was the first time that we talked after him finding out about my affair.  He is reluctant to have me as his wife. He simply stated that I am a ' second handed good ' and ' valueless' in his life. He has beocme cold and soulless towards me. His main purpose of the visit was to visit our children .

 

Even after all this I am ready to work on our marriage. I am reluctant to sign the divorce papers and I am planning to not sign the until he gives me a chance. I am ready to be hurt by his words. I am ready to have him hit me. I am ready to deal with Any pain he gives me because the amount of pain I gave him is enough to make him hate me. But I don't want to lose him. I tried individual counseling. I have tried meditation and marriage counseling alone. I have read dozens of books and went through couples who faced infidelity but came back stronger. I have showered my husband with all the love I can. I Cooked his favorites dishes . I made him his favorite chocolates.  But he has thrown this all out. He is firm on his stands and so am I. 

 

Will i ever have him back? Will he ever come back and will I ever have my old family back? I want suggestion on reconciliation . Please help me out

So, let me get this straight...

Your husband helped you out of a rough childhood and supported you in building a stable, comfortable life. 

You lied to your husband's face and rejected him as a man for 2 years. 

You never confessed, someone told him, further humiliating him as the "last to know"

Your lover booted you after DD b/c he didn't want anything but sex from you

Your spent months after lusting after your ex-lover, while your husband suffered in silence

Now you've decided you don't want a divorce, and are trying to win him back with empty gestures? It's too little way too late, have some decency and show him the tiniest bit of respect - sign the papers, let the man move on with his life. 

 

[Marc878]

56 minutes ago, Harry Korsnes said:

Nope! She needs to realise Whats she's done!

That too.