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I don't know if I feel attracted to him. but scared to break up.


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Posted (edited)

I (20F) have been dating my boyfriend (21M) for about 6 months. I had attraction issues since the beginning, but they were mainly superficial and due to the fact I kept comparing him to the last guy I "dated". Seeking assistance from my therapist, I decided to give this guy a chance since it was obvious he really wanted to be with me and was a kind person. We had a great relationship for the next three months or so. My family and friends are also very fond of him. 

We don't live very close to each other. So when we both got back to working more (and studying more for me) we have had less time to see each other. But at the same time I believed that he wasn't putting effort in our relationship anymore. The arguments began as trivial as Easter when I was upset that he didn't get any of the easter bunnies (ended up giving me one bunny) while I bought him everything he wanted. And when he started to follow Instagram models and liking images of them in bikinis on social media. He also had stopped complimenting me. Additionally I lost my virginity to him (don't even think the sex was successful since I felt nothing despite him saying it "was in") and had a panic attack because I have stuffed up taking my birth control pill and was afraid I was pregnant. I was ready in two situations a few months later but he was "too tired". 

We were arguing all this week. It began because we had not seen each other in almost two weeks because (he had to work away one week so it was fair enough) but was too "sick" to show up to my family BBQ (it was the second time he had done this). He had promised to take me out for dinner but did not want to show up because it was raining (wasn't raining that heavily and didn't seem keen when I reminded him the day before, he tells me that he ended up working that day). I felt the way he was also talking to me was becoming disrespectful (e.g. referring to me as "bro" and telling me that "i'll go see you when I want", also asking me why it is a "problem" to like other girl's bikini pictures). 

The next day he finally admitted why he was being the way he was. He said he thought he I had too many family get-togethers (I have one around every 3 months) and he wasn't brought up this way and was the odd one out (my boyfriend is Caucasian and lives in a predominately Caucasian town while i'm of Middle Eastern and Mediterranean heritage). He told me not to expect him to not show up to all of them especially if it is not for an occasion. This hurt me because i'm in his situation too when it comes to his family but was always willing to be there for him (I only did not show up once because I was sick and then told him i'll make it up to him which I did at the next one). He also started going on about how I don't sit and watch the football with him, don't want to live in his town if we choose to move out together (I offered to live halfway between both of us and he refused) and how I feel like he puts his friends first (I genuinely felt like he did because he seemed more keen to be with his friends than to be with me). I also told him about why he doesn't make me feel special like he did in the start and. why he was too tired to have sex, he said that he doesn't feel the need to because we've been dating for five months already (not too long imo) and talked about his work colleague who's been in a relationship with his girlfriend for over two years and have only had sex three times.

I told him that he must meet me the next day to try and sort this out in person and if we can't we will have to break up. He came over the next day and we had another argument and was barely being affectionate to me. He tells me that he does not like being affectionate all time, blames me for the panic attack I had when we first had sex, and also goes on how I don't pay for many dates (I do pay sometimes but I was barely working at the time and was saving up money and told him once I work more and get a full time job I will make it up to him, he works full time and has his own business). He also tells me how he's annoyed that I always want to take pictures with each other, and how i'm "high maintenance" because i'm always getting my nails done and I always get eyelash extensions when I could "just stick them on myself". That also upset me because I love up-keeping myself as it helps me to feel confident. 

He noticed how upset I was and gave me a hug. We tried to talk it out more civil and he was about to cry. He believes that our love is worth "fighting for" and that he's willing to compromise with some things (I was constantly annoyed because he was never willing to compromise). But then I felt upset because I felt like the spark and attraction has gone. But at the same time I think it's because we are fighting and aren't as intimate (I sometimes feel like the pregnancy scare is just my body telling me that i'm not attracted). I don't want to regret anything or feel like I've given up to soon but I don't want to waste time when I could possibly find someone more suited for me and he can find someone more suited for him. He's leaving it up to me to break up or not. 

Thoughts? 

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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Posted

You've just presented a heap of reasons to break up, so I can't figure out why you haven't already left.    Perhaps it would help our advice if you tell us why you're still with him.

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Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, basil67 said:

You've just presented a heap of reasons to break up, so I can't figure out why you haven't already left.    Perhaps it would help our advice if you tell us why you're still with him.

First of all I still have hope in him. He’s been such a great person to me on our good days and all my anxiety and depression I was facing last year had diminished. I don’t want to give up too easily on our relationship especially now he told me he’s willing to fight. I hope this is just a big argument and nothing more. 

Second of all this might be a super terrible reason but I still want to experience more sexually. I only had PIV sex once and I don’t even think it was properly (I still consider myself a virgin because of it). And I’m the type of female where I can’t have sex outside of a relationship. If we do break up I want to be sexually confident in my next relationship.

Edited by xoxobby_25
Posted

There are mismatches everywhere in your relationship.  Also don't get offended but I think you expect a little too much. A guy with a full time working job have limited time to invest in a relationship. If you give it shot you both gotta work on yourself! Else it will just fail. We'll regarding sex! Every man is different and same is with women some got high sex drive and some got very low sex drive! Your guy seems to have very low sex drive tbh. In a new relationship in the initial stage people have a lot of sex bcz things are new, but he doesn't seems interested much. Which is very unusual for a young male. He might be having some underlying sexual problems or performance anxiety and ashamed to reveal! Again you have to talk to fix this! In my opinion keep very low expectations from this relationship. You both are not much compatible there are just too many differences.  

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Posted
31 minutes ago, TeddyBundy1993 said:

There are mismatches everywhere in your relationship.  Also don't get offended but I think you expect a little too much. A guy with a full time working job have limited time to invest in a relationship. If you give it shot you both gotta work on yourself! Else it will just fail. We'll regarding sex! Every man is different and same is with women some got high sex drive and some got very low sex drive! Your guy seems to have very low sex drive tbh. In a new relationship in the initial stage people have a lot of sex bcz things are new, but he doesn't seems interested much. Which is very unusual for a young male. He might be having some underlying sexual problems or performance anxiety and ashamed to reveal! Again you have to talk to fix this! In my opinion keep very low expectations from this relationship. You both are not much compatible there are just too many differences.  

We talked about this. We agreed not to talk today so we can focus on spending time with our families since it’s Mother’s Day where I live rather than arguing. I’m thinking of not stressing too much about seeing each other. 
 

I’m not trying to compare my relationship to anyone else’s but I know there are guys out there that are more compatible in some areas to me probably like there are more compatible girls for him. I doubt he has a low sex drive because he told me that him and his ex had sex five times in one day (unless he’s making it up). My sex drive lowered once I went on birth control. But I feel like if I was more attracted to him that wouldn’t be the case.

I’m deciding to give him one more chance. Because like I said I have an inch of hope. But at the same time I just want him to be able to compromise with my wants and needs just like he expects me to with his wants and needs. I don’t want to be unhappy when I could have someone that just has more time with me and is willing to put more effort. 

 

Posted (edited)

@xoxobby_25: The situation you describe sounds like what happens when two people insist on remaining together long after their relationship has died.

It sounds like he's tired of you, doesn't enjoy your company, doesn't fundamentally like you, but is with you because he doesn't want to be lonely.

And you sound perpetually disappointed in his inability to meet your emotional needs. When you were comparing him to your previous boyfriend, it was a sign that you weren't over the previous relationship and needed to spend some time being single before you were ready to date again. If you'd done that, maybe you would have figured out that this guy was not right for you.

It sounds to me like you don't want to let go because you don't want to be lonely and because you lost your virginity to him. Women often stay in relationships with completely unsuitable men because of that loss-of-virginity factor.

Seriously, I think you need to let this one go and take some time being single.

Also, because it seems to matter so much to you: You're not going to develop sexual confidence being in a relationship with someone so passionless and unattracted to you. If anything, remaining with him will make you start to doubt your attractiveness.

Edited by Acacia98
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Posted
33 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

@xoxobby_25: The situation you describe sounds like what happens when two people insist on remaining together long after their relationship has died.

It sounds like he's tired of you, doesn't enjoy your company, doesn't fundamentally like you, but is with you because he doesn't want to be lonely.

And you sound perpetually disappointed in his inability to meet your emotional needs. When you were comparing him to your previous boyfriend, it was a sign that you weren't over the previous relationship and needed to spend some time being single before you were ready to date again. If you'd done that, maybe you would have figured out that this guy was not right for you.

It sounds to me like you don't want to let go because you don't want to be lonely and because you lost your virginity to him. Women often stay in relationships with completely unsuitable men because of that loss-of-virginity factor.

Seriously, I think you need to let this one go and take some time being single.

Also, because it seems to matter so much to you: You're not going to develop sexual confidence being in a relationship with someone so passionless and unattracted to you. If anything, remaining with him will make you start to doubt your attractiveness.

I’m seeing a lot of familiar users on this thread who helped me through what I was going through last year (I have few of past threads about it, 90% of them was written in a manic and irrational state). Best part of my relationship was that I am distracted from my continuous self destruction. And when he was treating me like a queen...oh boy I was blessed not to have ended up with that boy before. Although I could never put myself through that situation ever again I started to have vague thoughts about the past and the past guy once my boyfriend wasn’t treating me that way anymore. Even something as trivial as him not looking happy in pictures with me later on in our relationship (his best mate loved to comment how he looked like a gun was being put to his head when I uploaded them online).
That’s when I realised that my relationship was in jeopardy. 

I’ve lost attraction to my boyfriend, especially because of this situation. He on the other hand sees a spark still and tells me I’m “perfect the way I am” (he started slapping his face and looked like he was about to cry when I told him I’ve lost the spark). Sometimes I wish he would break up with me so I didn’t have to be the one this decision. Everyone is telling me to give it one last chance just so I can say I’ve given it more of a try. 

Posted

Sorry this is happening. Way too many red flags in just 24 weeks dating.

You're not attracted to him, it's a distance relationship which are difficult in themselves, you're just not happy and it's just not working.

Be kind to both of you and set yourselves free. Simply tell him the distance isn't working.

He will probably be as relieved as you will be.

Posted

If you're going to give this one last try, it must be because YOU want it.  Not because everyone else wants it.   Otherwise, it's a waste of your own time and false hope to him. 

Posted

This is not a good match.  Give up.  

Posted
15 hours ago, xoxobby_25 said:

The next day he finally admitted why he was being the way he was. He said he thought he I had too many family get-togethers (I have one around every 3 months) and he wasn't brought up this way and was the odd one out (my boyfriend is Caucasian and lives in a predominately Caucasian town while i'm of Middle Eastern and Mediterranean heritage). He told me not to expect him to not show up to all of them especially if it is not for an occasion. This hurt me because i'm in his situation too when it comes to his family but was always willing to be there for him (I only did not show up once because I was sick and then told him i'll make it up to him which I did at the next one). He also started going on about how I don't sit and watch the football with him, don't want to live in his town if we choose to move out together (I offered to live halfway between both of us and he refused) and how I feel like he puts his friends first (I genuinely felt like he did because he seemed more keen to be with his friends than to be with me). I also told him about why he doesn't make me feel special like he did in the start and. why he was too tired to have sex, he said that he doesn't feel the need to because we've been dating for five months already (not too long imo) and talked about his work colleague who's been in a relationship with his girlfriend for over two years and have only had sex three times.

I told him that he must meet me the next day to try and sort this out in person and if we can't we will have to break up. He came over the next day and we had another argument and was barely being affectionate to me. He tells me that he does not like being affectionate all time, blames me for the panic attack I had when we first had sex, and also goes on how I don't pay for many dates (I do pay sometimes but I was barely working at the time and was saving up money and told him once I work more and get a full time job I will make it up to him, he works full time and has his own business). He also tells me how he's annoyed that I always want to take pictures with each other, and how i'm "high maintenance" because i'm always getting my nails done and I always get eyelash extensions when I could "just stick them on myself". That also upset me because I love up-keeping myself as it helps me to feel confident. 

He noticed how upset I was and gave me a hug. We tried to talk it out more civil and he was about to cry. He believes that our love is worth "fighting for" and that he's willing to compromise with some things (I was constantly annoyed because he was never willing to compromise). But then I felt upset because I felt like the spark and attraction has gone. But at the same time I think it's because we are fighting and aren't as intimate (I sometimes feel like the pregnancy scare is just my body telling me that i'm not attracted). I don't want to regret anything or feel like I've given up to soon but I don't want to waste time when I could possibly find someone more suited for me and he can find someone more suited for him. He's leaving it up to me to break up or not. 

Thoughts? 

He doesn't respect you but he cares about you. The differences are making it hard for him to see you as someone he can see himself with. When someone starts to disagree with you down to your very look and style and the way you carry yourself, it is over. He has made numerous decisions (mentally or quietly to himself) for a long time, judging you and disrespecting you. The longer you stay with him, the more your self-esteem will erode. Instead of breaking up with you, he's choosing to erode your confidence. That is not love. He's only attached to you because of the comfort and constancy that the relationship gives. 

This is not worth fighting for unless you see yourself changing what makes you happy down to your very dress or what you like to do personally for yourself for upkeep. Ask yourself why you're with him. Are you constantly confused, feeling down and unsure why you're not accepted by your partner - a heavy sense of doubt around you? None of that is love. 

Be around people who uplift you and inspire you to be more of you. This guy is not it. 

Regarding your family, he's experiencing conflict because he doesn't see himself with a gal like you but every time he's around your family, he feels like a lie. It's hypocrisy for him to go to family gatherings. You do deserve to be with a guy who's completely head over heels in love with you, no doubts. 

Posted
11 hours ago, xoxobby_25 said:

First of all I still have hope in him.

Not a good plan to stay with a man hoping that he will change and/or things will improve. Ever. 

11 hours ago, xoxobby_25 said:

Second of all this might be a super terrible reason but I still want to experience more sexually.

I can appreciate that but consider this - the sex won’t be good if you are not attracted to the man, if there is conflict in your relationship, and you have lost feelings. Better to find someone you really want to have sex with...

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Posted

This is just sad to read.  You sound like you have very low self-esteem, and you are settling for a very mediocre relationship with a man who you are not even that attracted to.  Please respect yourself more than this and end this bad relationship.  Your first mistake was getting with him in the first place when you knew that you were not that attracted to him.  Have higher standards for yourself.  This is not how a relationship should be.

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Posted
17 hours ago, xoxobby_25 said:

First of all I still have hope in him.

never base the viability of a relationship on someone's potential. You'll end up wasting all your youth on someone who may never rise to the occasion or your expectations.

There is such a thing as psychotic hope and that will age you before your time.

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Posted
7 hours ago, glows said:

Regarding your family, he's experiencing conflict because he doesn't see himself with a gal like you but every time he's around your family, he feels like a lie. It's hypocrisy for him to go to family gatherings. You do deserve to be with a guy who's completely head over heels in love with you, no doubts. 

He ended up saying he “could compromise with the family stuff”. But for me I have a hard time understanding that because family is #1 to me and like I’ve been saying to him we don’t do that much for you not to show up to. I’d understand if it was once a week or every fortnight but we only do about 4-5 a year. He says that I don’t understand where he’s coming from but I do because I’m in his exact situation when it comes to his family and I’ve never complained about it. 

The thing that also really hurts me is that he never said any of this before. I basically let him know who I am and my life and still wanted to be with me. He said he was very family orientated (he still says he is but then goes on about how he only sees his family twice a year and sometimes he just makes an appearance then leaves). He also said that he loves me putting effort in myself and was filling majority, if not, all of my emotional needs in the beginning of the relationship. I’ve had a big think about this and even though some people around me are telling me to give me another chance, I’d feel like, like you said, It be all a lie because he’s already told me what he actually thinks. 

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Posted (edited)
4 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

This is just sad to read.  You sound like you have very low self-esteem, and you are settling for a very mediocre relationship with a man who you are not even that attracted to.  Please respect yourself more than this and end this bad relationship.  Your first mistake was getting with him in the first place when you knew that you were not that attracted to him.  Have higher standards for yourself.  This is not how a relationship should be.

I had a hard time being attracted to him in the beginning but like I said it was mostly due to comparing him to another guy (one that I actually felt a lot of attraction to) and the self-traumatising acts I had inflicted on myself regarding this guy (you can look at past forums for reference if you want but they weren’t written in a positive state of mind, I’ve grown from that). 

So when I told my therapist this she told me that sometimes attraction doesn’t come immediately. And if I keep looking for a certain “look” or certain “personality”  I’ll never find anyone. So that low key frightened me thinking that I won’t find anyone if I’m not open enough.
 

I’m just around relationships that are so happy and in love or at least seem it. And I feel sad sometimes that I don’t feel that way. 

 

 

 

 

Edited by xoxobby_25
Posted
1 hour ago, xoxobby_25 said:

So when I told my therapist this she told me that sometimes attraction doesn’t come immediately. And if I keep looking for a certain “look” or certain “personality”  I’ll never find anyone. So that low key frightened me thinking that I won’t find anyone if I’m not open enough.
 

Your therapist gave you bad advice.  Either that, or maybe you misinterpreted her advice.  Being "open" doesn't mean settling and staying in a bad relationship.

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Posted (edited)
7 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Your therapist gave you bad advice.  Either that, or maybe you misinterpreted her advice.  Being "open" doesn't mean settling and staying in a bad relationship.

I agree. But sometimes I think (and tend to think this a lot) that if I’m just over exaggerating “his bad parts” and being too picky. 

Edited by xoxobby_25
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Posted (edited)
10 hours ago, kendahke said:

never base the viability of a relationship on someone's potential. You'll end up wasting all your youth on someone who may never rise to the occasion or your expectations.

There is such a thing as psychotic hope and that will age you before your time.

I agree. I’m just having a hard time distinguishing between a dead relationship and just a massive fight (this is my first relationship). While I feel like I should break up, I worry that I may be making the wrong decision as I think about potential trips we were planning to have (one for the end of year which I was looking forward to. And that this is just because I’m too picky. 

Edited by xoxobby_25
Posted
8 hours ago, xoxobby_25 said:

He ended up saying he “could compromise with the family stuff”. But for me I have a hard time understanding that because family is #1 to me and like I’ve been saying to him we don’t do that much for you not to show up to. I’d understand if it was once a week or every fortnight but we only do about 4-5 a year. He says that I don’t understand where he’s coming from but I do because I’m in his exact situation when it comes to his family and I’ve never complained about it. 

You don't have to understand it.   What this is about is is whether or not you can accept his offer.  One of life's lessons is accepting that we won't always understand where our partner is coming from.  

In this case, he's offering compromise and you sound unwilling to accept it.   I mean, if not having your partner at family events is a deal breaker for you, you then you don't have to accept the compromise.  But lack of compromise on your part would mean that you're incompatible.  

Also, you wrote above that he only sees his family about twice per year - and briefly at at that - so you're really not in the same situation.  

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Posted
1 hour ago, basil67 said:

You don't have to understand it.   What this is about is is whether or not you can accept his offer.  One of life's lessons is accepting that we won't always understand where our partner is coming from.  

In this case, he's offering compromise and you sound unwilling to accept it.   I mean, if not having your partner at family events is a deal breaker for you, you then you don't have to accept the compromise.  But lack of compromise on your part would mean that you're incompatible.  

Also, you wrote above that he only sees his family about twice per year - and briefly at at that - so you're really not in the same situation.  

I agree, he sees his family less than mine. But I mean that I am in the same situation regarding being the “odd one out”. Because of my ethnic background I am of darker appearance and i feel the difference in his family life compared to mine. 

The only thing is that the differences never phased me and I never really felt that “odd”. It’s 2021 and interracial relationships are everywhere. He told me we are “two different people”. 

Posted
On 5/9/2021 at 11:59 AM, xoxobby_25 said:

(he started slapping his face and looked like he was about to cry when I told him I’ve lost the spark)

Wait, what? 

Does he have some mental health issues? It is not normal for an adult to slap themselves, OP. Have you seen this type of strange behaviour in him before?

Look, you two are wrong for each other on just about every level. A good relationship doesn't have this many problems after just 6 months. It's over, and time to move on. 

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Posted
5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Wait, what? 

Does he have some mental health issues? It is not normal for an adult to slap themselves, OP. Have you seen this type of strange behaviour in him before?

Look, you two are wrong for each other on just about every level. A good relationship doesn't have this many problems after just 6 months. It's over, and time to move on. 

The slapping face part doesn’t sound as strange as what it seems. But I asked him why he slapping his face and he said he was doing it because he was trying stop himself from crying. 

He does have a few mental health issues including having ODD and ADHD. But I’ve never judged them nor do I think they have affected our relationship. 

Posted
56 minutes ago, xoxobby_25 said:

He does have a few mental health issues including having ODD

Have you researched this? It's not about "judging", it's about sound judgement and knowing what you are  getting into.

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Posted
5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you researched this? It's not about "judging", it's about sound judgement and knowing what you are  getting into.

Yes I did. Googling ODD, I found out it was about having a hard time compromising and failing to take responsibility. Which is something I’m obviously troubling with him, but the disorder is worse when you are a child and he never showed any signs until now. 

He tells me he takes medication to “help him focus as a result of ODD” but looking up that medication it’s actually an ADHD medication as ODD can’t be treated with medication and often accompanies ADHD
 

 

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