She's suddenly back in my life

[seany25]

Hiyaaa,

I posted a few months back about being broken hearted over this girl I'd been having a casual relationship with for about 18 months before I fell in love with her and was lead to believe she was feeling the same way. She slowly and surely ghosted me for, at the time, no reason. I was left in the dark and had no idea what happened.

However, 5 months later, when I had already grieved for the relationship and expelled the hurt, she reached out again. She had been going through some stuff, and explained it to me.

After some slowly evolving communication, we spent last weekend together, and it was hot.

So we planned to spend next Friday together, (tonight). I was excited about it all week and we texted a few times during the week. She affirmed yesterday she was still free Friday and I said cool tell me what time you'd like me to come and collect you. Then this afternoon she told me she was meeting her cousin for dinner and she could meet me afterwards (she meets this cousins often).

The thing is, she never met me tonight, and it annoyed me more than I care to admit. This isn't the first time she'd met this cousin and was supposed to meet up with me but didn't. I'm thinking, why would you say "I'm free Friday" when it seems I wasn't set to be your first priority that evening?

The main reason I'm expressing this is because, here I am, after spending one night together a week ago after a 5 month hiatus, allowing myself to become emotional about this girl. I haven't figured out why this feeling arose, but it could be one of, or a multitude of, quite a few things...

• First off, I'm definitely annoyed that it was supposed to be a date and then all of a sudden someone else takes priority.
• I could be jealous that she chose to spend all night with her cousin instead of eventually coming to meet me.
• I might be irritated that I have experienced this before with her and it's happened again.
• It could be that I've felt and expelled heartbreak over this girl already and here I am feeling annoyed with her again.
• Perhaps all of the above.

Ultimately, I'm happy to see her again, but I don't want that to be at the cost of more hurt.

Life is interesting, that's for sure.

Anyone ever had someone they lost, come back into their life? What happened?

[dramafreezone]

When she said she was free, why didn't you take the initiative and tell her when the date was going to be?  You don't need to ask her what time she'll be available.  She said she was free Friday, you should've said great, let's meet at 8:00 at _______."  You're not being assertive and I think she's losing respect for you. 

I can tell you're way more into her than she is into you, and I'm certain that she can tell as well.  She knows that she can blow you off and you'll forgive her and give her another chance.   There's no consequence to her actions, so this behavior will continue as long as you allow it.

[Marc878]

Her excuses for ghosting you were bullshit.  You jumped back on and got a repeat.

She’s probably in between boyfriends and knew you’d be available.

You aren’t a priority and never will be.

Edited May 8, 2021 by Marc878

[seany25]

1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

When she said she was free, why didn't you take the initiative and tell her when the date was going to be?  You don't need to ask her what time she'll be available.  She said she was free Friday, you should've said great, let's meet at 8:00 at _______."  You're not being assertive and I think she's losing respect for you. 

I can tell you're way more into her than she is into you, and I'm certain that she can tell as well.  She knows that she can blow you off and you'll forgive her and give her another chance.   There's no consequence to her actions, so this behavior will continue as long as you allow it.

Wow, nothing is further from the truth. You are so accurate with everything you've said. I don't have any argument.

[Calmandfocused]

I’m so disappointed that you allowed yourself to be manipulated by this woman again .

I don’t think you understand that 1) she is never going to change how she feels/ behaves towards you and b) that you deserve so much better than this. 
 

Please stop being her puppet and letting her pull those strings. Cut those strings, stay away from her, and give yourself a chance to find a woman who respects you and who can give you what you want. 

[elaine567]

Trouble is people put other people in the "casual" box for a reason.
Usually it is because they do not want or see a future with them,  they have some flaw that makes them not bf/gf material.
They see no reason to lock them down, nor do they want to be locked down.
They are not wowed, the other person merely fills a void, sex, companionship, a listening ear... but it is only temporary... 
You fell in love, she didn't... and she hasn't.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Marc878 said:

Her excuses for ghosting you were bullshit.  You jumped back on and got a repeat.

She’s probably in between boyfriends and knew you’d be available.

You aren’t a priority and never will be.

I agree with all of the above. 

Forget her, OP. She comes to you to fill her time between other guys, it seems. You're wasting your energy on someone who's not that bothered about you. 

[Stupidkupid]

8 hours ago, Marc878 said:

Her excuses for ghosting you were bullshit.  You jumped back on and got a repeat.

She’s probably in between boyfriends and knew you’d be available.

You aren’t a priority and never will be.

Yep. All of the above.

Just to add that if someone is so disrespectful of you that they will sinply drop off the radar after 18 months and/ or regularly miss dates with you, don't give them a second chance. Ever. You deserve better.

[introverted1]

10 hours ago, seany25 said:

So we planned to spend next Friday together, (tonight). I was excited about it all week and we texted a few times during the week. She affirmed yesterday she was still free Friday and I said cool tell me what time you'd like me to come and collect you.

So you invited her on a date for Friday and she said yes, but you needed her to affirm that she was still free?  And then, as it turns out, she wasn't and you wasted your night hanging around waiting for her?

This is bad news, seany.  People who want to date you say yes once and then, barring hospitalization or other genuine emergency, follow through. They don't need to "reaffirm plans" (read: confirm that nothing better has presented itself).

This girl doesn't respect you and is likely using you as a rebound from whoever she was seeing in the intervening 5 months.

She's not worth it.  You can learn this sooner or you can learn it later, but I don't think there is a way to avoid it.

 

[d0nnivain]

She's rude.  She made plans with you & then ditched because something better came up. She doesn't care about you & will only see you when she has nothing better to do.  

[smackie9]

Are you sure this was a "cousin" she was meeting up with all the time?

[glows]

13 hours ago, seany25 said:

So we planned to spend next Friday together, (tonight). I was excited about it all week and we texted a few times during the week. She affirmed yesterday she was still free Friday and I said cool tell me what time you'd like me to come and collect you. Then this afternoon she told me she was meeting her cousin for dinner and she could meet me afterwards (she meets this cousins often).

The thing is, she never met me tonight, and it annoyed me more than I care to admit.

Don't spend any more time/effort on her. She's making it clear that she doesn't value your time. 

[ShyViolet]

She's already shown you that she doesn't care about you and that you are not a priority to her.  So how long are you going to let this girl play with your emotions?  

[dramafreezone]

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

She's already shown you that she doesn't care about you and that you are not a priority to her.  So how long are you going to let this girl play with your emotions?  

I think this is the OP's fault though.  He's allowing it by not being assertive.  Not judging, because I've been in the same spot as the OP.

She contacted him, and it sounds like they had sex recently.  So she was very attracted to him and gave him a chance.

Unfortunately, as in life, some will get away with as much as another person will allow them to.   Oprah says "we teach people how to treat us." 

People scoff at the idea that being "too available" is a bad thing, but the reason behind it is that there's a consequence for not making a date.  That consequence is that you won't get to see that other person, and maybe they'll move on.  When a person is always available, that consequence is gone, so it can result in her taking you for granted.

[seany25]

I could almost reply to each of your responses individually, but you're all pretty much spot-on.

Stupidly, I had again arranged for her to come over last night (sex with her is addictive) and she again let me down. This time, she simply ignored me after her last text yesterday morning.

Yes, I feel like a massive t*at, and I was very annoyed and irritated about it. I felt very disrespected and angry at her. And yes, I'm to blame for this happening.

After 5 months, she reached out, and we had that night of hot sex 2 weeks ago. I'm now fairly certain there's some sort of game, or power play going on here. She got what she wanted, just because she could, and then started doing the push-pull again.

I think she came back to get me on her hook again. However, I've already felt the heartbreak first time around, so if she thinks this is going to somehow hurt more (for whatever her messed up reasons for doing this are), she's wrong.

I'm a dummy for allowing her the opportunity to let me down two Friday's in a row and I have to stop it now.

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, seany25 said:

 I had again arranged for her to come over last night sex with her is addictive.

Sounds like a hookup situationship. You like the sex, so it's unclear what the problem is.

You already know she's flaky but wants hookups.

If you want an exclusive relationship this is not your girl. 

If you want drive-by sex (which seems fine with you), then you have what you want and are chasing after.

BTW, you can have sex with others, so why chase this if you want to complain after sex?

Edited May 15, 2021 by Wiseman2

[seany25]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sounds like a hookup situationship. You like the sex, so it's unclear what the problem is.

You already know she's flaky but wants hookups.

If you want an exclusive relationship this is not your girl. 

If you want drive-by sex (which seems fine with you), then you have what you want and are chasing after.

BTW, you can have sex with others, so why chase this if you want to complain after sex?

Yeah, it is a hookup situationship, although I wanted more. That's why I was all heartbroken and s*it a few months ago.

Before Christmas the connection intensified and I fell for her, but then she ghosted me.

I know for sure the unattainability is a huge factor here. The fact that I seemingly can't have what I want, makes me want her more. Basic psychology stuff.

It's not even so much that I want an exclusive relationship with her anymore, I'd be happy just to see more of her, but especially when we've arranged to meet. Having a date set up and then being dropped at the last minute is so infuriating.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, seany25 said:

After 5 months, she reached out, and we had that night of hot sex 2 weeks ago. I'm now fairly certain there's some sort of game, or power play going on here. She got what she wanted, just because she could, and then started doing the push-pull again.

I think the explanation is a lot simpler, but probaby more painful to admit: you're the guy she will resort to when whomever she really wants to see and sleep with isn't available. When he is, she leaves you in the dust and doesn't even have the courtesy to cancel. 

She just doesn't care, and isn't as addicted to the sex as you are. 

You have to stop being your own worst enemy, and block this person. You two are not going to wind up together. 

 

[seany25]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think the explanation is a lot simpler, but probaby more painful to admit: you're the guy she will resort to when whomever she really wants to see and sleep with isn't available. When he is, she leaves you in the dust and doesn't even have the courtesy to cancel. 

She just doesn't care, and isn't as addicted to the sex as you are. 

You have to stop being your own worst enemy, and block this person. You two are not going to wind up together. 

 

Yeah, I've been around long enough to know there was probably someone else during those 5 months. Every attractive girl gets attention whether it's wanted or not, and she would be no exception.

She did tell me that someone from her past was trying to get with her during that time, but perhaps she wasn't being totally honest with me about that.

I feel like she's come back out of the woodwork just to leave her mark again. She hasn't contacted me since that last text and based on our previous, I'd be surprised if she does.

I guess here we are in no contact again. Although thankfully it isn't heartbreak this time, just a feeling of bitter disappointment.

[Miss Spider]

If I can be completely blunt here’s what I believe :

 

She likes you, but not that much. You’re familiar, safe, fun to be around and she might even enjoy sleeping with you, but she’s not “into” you 100% if you know what I mean. So she’s keeping her options open. She wants to date another guy,(s) but she might not be dating as much in these times. Or something else. But in between she might be bored or lonely and want the companionship, so she’ll make plans, but since she’s not extremely keen it’s really easy for her to change her mind because something else comes up or even she doesn’t feel like getting ready and going out. But she’ll keep you around for the option/ego boost/companionship/conversation/sex whatever you might provide her. You’re a nice distraction/something to preoccupy while she keeps fishing 

 

If you’re not cool with this, abort

Edited May 15, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Marc878]

Just block unless you like being on call when she feels like it.

[seany25]

35 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

If I can be completely blunt here’s what I believe :

 

She likes you, but not that much. You’re familiar, safe, fun to be around and she might even enjoy sleeping with you, but she’s not “into” you 100% if you know what I mean. So she’s keeping her options open. She wants to date another guy,(s) but she might not be dating as much in these times. Or something else. But in between she might be bored or lonely and want the companionship, so she’ll make plans, but since she’s not extremely keen it’s really easy for her to change her mind because something else comes up or even she doesn’t feel like getting ready and going out. But she’ll keep you around for the option/ego boost/companionship/conversation/sex whatever you might provide her. You’re a nice distraction/something to preoccupy while she keeps fishing 

 

If you’re not cool with this, abort

Thank you, this could almost word for word be the actual case.

It certainly raises unwanted emotion in me when she suddenly decides to ditch at the last minute. How's she feeling in those moments? Does she think "oh crap, this is going to hurt him" or does she simply not give a hoot.

On the one hand I'm cool with it, but only when our arrangements actually go ahead as planned. I know we're not exclusive, but why the hell does she keep me entertained for a full week with plans to meet up and then suddenly go cold? It's so irritating, and I don't think I can do that anymore. If she wants to come see me, fine, but I'm not going to rely on her.

In the meantime I'm wide open to meet someone better, who doesn't do this s*it to me.

(I'm also seeing other girls now and again too)

Edited May 15, 2021 by seany25

[Miss Spider]

Yeah np, Based on when I’ve done it, I’m thinking it’s  indifference(maybe with a smidgeon of guilt)

When you occupy this space in a person’s life, you’re generally an afterthought, so there’s really not much consideration about you/ruining your plans by canceling.

If you bring it up, watch them get annoyed and switch it around on you. You’re not being convenient at that point 

I have to think reliable long term FWB are a tough thing to find. It’s usually one person who has feelings and another person who uses that to their advantage. 
 

Your best bet is to look elsewhere(recommended)

 

but if you really want,  only make plans with her when nothing else is going on and don’t be surprised if she cancels for something(or someone) she wants to do more :[

Edited May 15, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Marc878]

9 minutes ago, seany25 said:

Thank you, this could almost word for word be the actual case.

It certainly raises unwanted emotion in me when she suddenly decides to ditch at the last minute. How's she feeling in those moments? Does she think "oh crap, this is going to hurt him" or does she simply not give a hoot.

On the one hand I'm cool with it, but only when our arrangements actually go ahead as planned. I know we're not exclusive, but why the hell does she keep me entertained for a full week with plans to meet up and then suddenly go cold? It's so irritating, and I don't think I can do that anymore. If she wants to come see me, fine, but I'm not going to rely on her.

In the meantime I'm wide open to meet someone better, who doesn't do this s*it to me.

(I'm also seeing other girls now and again too)

Because you allow it. She knows she can do as she pleases. So far she’s right. All she has to do is call.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, seany25 said:

Yeah, it is a hookup situationship, although I wanted more.

Ok, you can have both, but not with her.

You can have sex and have it in the context of dating, but you'll have to step up and be available for exclusive dating rather than drive-by sexual encounters.