Is my boyfriend wasting my time

[Curlygurl]

Hello

I have been seeing this guy for almost 4.5 months exclusively, I know it is not long. We hang out maybe 2 to 3 times a week. I would either go to his place make dinner or we go hiking...not much to do during covid. He have already been intimate. He has been separated and is finalizing his divorce this month. 

I am 37 and want to eventually start a family. I kept pushing this relationship forward and I guess he was feeling pressured and told me that he needed more time to actually get to know me, but as it stands now he doesn't know me. And if we continue meeting only 2-3 times a weeks it may take until the end of the year for him to really know if he wants marriage with me. He said that if we aren't compatible I am ok with that but I don't think you are( i would feel like I wasted all my time). Also from my perspective he really doesn't make a lot of effort to get to know me, if we aren't meeting up he doesn't take the time to call or anything. He expects me to move in with him but I feel like I'm not going to rearrange my whole life when I don't feel I known where this relationship is going 

He suggested I date other guys so I can gauge my true feelings. To be honest I don't even know if I really like him or if wanting marriage and kids are clouding my judgment.

Am I wasting my time with him -  kind of already feel like I wasted it. Should I cut him loose or wait and date other guys?

No clue why he is acting like this. In the beginning he was the one brining up marriage and said he feels like he's falling in love....I obviously didn't buy it because it was too soon 

[d0nnivain]

Even if you met every day you would still need at least one year together to determine if you want to get married / have kids & then you would need another year to marry & get pregnant. 

Just because your biological clock is ticking at 37 doesn't mean you should rush a new BF into marriage or that he's wasting your time because he prefers a saner more sedate pace.  If he's not even divorced yet, you can't assume he will be willing to jump straight into a marriage with you. 

If you want a kid that bad, look into IVF or adoption but leave any new BFs out of it. 

[elaine567]

28 minutes ago, Curlygurl said:

He has been separated and is finalizing his divorce this month. 

In one month he will be completely "free", he won't want to rush into getting married again.
If he is telling you to go date others, he may not even be wanting to date you in another month...
I believe you are wasting your time.

[Sun Seeker]

If he has told you to date others, then 100% you are wasting your time.

If he thought you were special, worth being his, not worth losing, he would never say those words.

[Blind-Sided]

1 hour ago, Curlygurl said:

I have been seeing this guy for almost 4.5 months exclusively, I know it is not long. We hang out maybe 2 to 3 times a week.......

I am 37 and want to eventually start a family. I kept pushing this relationship forward and I guess he was feeling pressured and told me that he needed more time to actually get to know me,

This is all you need.

you are 37 and your bio clock is ticking loudly !!   4.5 mo IS NOT enough time to really get to know someone.  YES... he feels pressure from you.  He's just finishing his D... and being recently D myself... I can say with 100% certainty... he will not be ready to marry again for a while. AND.... if his D is ugly, and expensive... he may have second thoughts about ever having a kid, or bing tied "Legally" to another person. You pushing something may drive him away.  If you really like him... then back off.

Just as an FYI... After my D... 2 of the girls I was introduced to were late 30's, and wanted kids.  After my D... I knew that I didn't EVER want another kid.  Partly because I'm getting older... and partly because I didn't want to have to deal with the legal aspect of that if I got another D.   I want to be retired when I'm late 50's... not working another job to pay child support to a second exW. 

Edited May 6, 2021 by Blind-Sided

[Maldives]

I think your driving motivation is the kid aspect. I think it's not fair on him to push. I think your in a bit of a bind,  having kids is really important to your life goals. I think you have to really think about what your next step but it is definatley not fair on any guy to put that kind of pressure on. I'd had something similar happen to me when I was only 24 she was 34 and after two weeks she was putting pressure on me to have kids 2 weeks no joke. Lucky for me I didn't and she left 6 months later. I get the goals and the ticking biological clock I think you got your work cut out for you, finding someone who is going to share the same vision and goals as you... good luck 

PS: think about how the other person feels. He's probably picking up on the fact your only with him to satisfy your end goal..nothing genuine in that

Edited May 6, 2021 by Goodguy05

[norealusername]

4.5 months is too soon to ask for a commitment. I agree with punter. A serious boyfriend would never say to date other guys. That's clear that he doesn't see anything long term with you.

Maybe he was more serious in the beginning because he was saying what you wanted to hear in order to sleep with you, or maybe his feelings have changed.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

4 hours ago, Curlygurl said:

I have been seeing this guy for almost 4.5 months

The fact that you're only "seeing" him and he's not your boyfriend is very telling.

4 hours ago, Curlygurl said:

He have already been intimate.

Yet you're already giving him relationship benefits.

4 hours ago, Curlygurl said:

He has been separated and is finalizing his divorce this month. 

He's married. Most men don't want to divorce and then immediately lock themselves down again. Best thing is to avoid dating married or recently divorced men. He's likely going to want to experience freedom for a bit, and regain his own sense of self, after having been connected to someone else.

4 hours ago, Curlygurl said:

I kept pushing this relationship forward and I guess he was feeling pressured and told me that he needed more time to actually get to know me, but as it stands now he doesn't know me.

Yet he knows you well enough to accept the bedroom benefits. This guy is making excuses so that he can keep things casual. He should know by now if he wants a relationship with you. If he did, he would be eager to lock you down, so that you wouldn't wander off and meet another man.

4 hours ago, Curlygurl said:

Also from my perspective he really doesn't make a lot of effort to get to know me, if we aren't meeting up he doesn't take the time to call or anything.

Then why are you giving him relationship benefits? If you were running a business, would you keep paying a lazy employee who was making little effort to do his job correctly?

4 hours ago, Curlygurl said:

He expects me to move in with him but I feel like I'm not going to rearrange my whole life when I don't feel I known where this relationship is going 

Good for you. Then you would also be cooking and cleaning for Mr. I Want To Take It Slow.

4 hours ago, Curlygurl said:

He suggested I date other guys

This is telling you everything you need to know about his intentions and how he feels about you. What man who is in love, and wants a future with a woman, would encourage her to see other men??? 

4 hours ago, Curlygurl said:

No clue why he is acting like this. In the beginning he was the one brining up marriage and said he feels like he's falling in love....I obviously didn't buy it because it was too soon 

Sound like he's a player. He said what he needed to say to get you to let your guard down.

[BC1980]

If someone tells you to date other men, they aren't serious. No one would say that to someone they really want to be with. Would you say that to him? 

[ExpatInItaly]

11 hours ago, Curlygurl said:

He suggested I date other guys so I can gauge my true feelings.

This right here is your cue that this is essentially over. 

He would not dream of suggesting this if he were all that into you. This isn't working, OP. It's time to go your separate ways. 

[lonelyplanetmoon]

Yes agree with everyone else who is saying the same thing.

When I was at the 3 month mark my current bf said something similar 

11 hours ago, Curlygurl said:

He suggested I date other guys so I can gauge my true feelings. To be honest I don't even know if I really like him or if wanting marriage and kids are clouding my judgment.

Am I wasting my time with him -  kind of already feel like I wasted it. Should I cut him loose or wait and date other guys?

No clue why he is acting like this. In the beginning he was the one brining up marriage and said he feels like he's falling in love....I obviously didn't buy it because it was too soon

I agree with the other posters. You are probably wasting your time BUT...

When I was at the 3 month mark with my current bf, he said something similar and I was about ready to break up with him right then and there.  You really do have to listen to them through their actions and words.  In my case he still treated me with a lot of warmth and so I kept giving it a little more time.  We naturally grew closer over time, and at the 9 month mark he started to tell me he was insecure when we were apart that someone else was going to steal me away.  You really can’t hurry love.  If the relationship has lost its warmth and feels like a struggle then it is prob time to move on.  Maybe you need to just detach from him ie don’t make the effort to push to be together and see if he pulls you closer.  There has to be equal effort.  If he does not work to close the distance with you then dump him for your own sanity.

With your clock ticking you should try to find someone who wants to be a dad and would be a good dad and partner.  You did not say if he wanted kids or not.

[Wiseman2]

22 hours ago, Curlygurl said:

. He has been separated and is finalizing his divorce this month. 

I am 37 and want to eventually start a family. 

18 weeks dating is an excellent time to observe all these red flags and cut your losses.

He can't "waste your time", unless you let him by wishing and hoping a married guy is ready willing and able to jump right into another marriage/having kids because of biological clock pressure.

Too many red flags, reconsider how viable this situation really is.

 

[ShyViolet]

I understand that you are 37 and your "biological clock is ticking", but it's completely inappropriate to be talking about marriage and kids with someone who you've been dating for 4 months.  That's just not a good idea.  Just because of your age and the fact that you want to start a family, that still doesn't make it smart to rush into major life decisions.

And the fact that he suggested you date other guys ... that is your cue to end this relationship.  How could you continue dating someone who suggested that you date other guys?  He is clearly not that into you.

[SHGal0211]

Why don't you freeze your eggs, so you don't have to rush with him just because your biological clock is ticking. 

[smackie9]

Obviously his head isn't in the right frame of mind, you know what I mean? His divorce is being finalized and it's making him think differently about things. You are best to move on IMO.

[Miss Peach]

I think it's too much too soon. Even if he weren't right out of a divorce many people wouldn't want to make that sort of decision that soon. I would ask him his thoughts about getting remarried in general, what he wants even if it's not you, and could he see you in that role. I think that's all you can expect at 4.5 months or so. Maybe just maybe starting to use the L word but not marriage.

 

I think you have every right to ask a guy what he wants for his future and could he potentially see you in it. But any pressure this soon more than that is too much and I think you're more likely to push any good many away. It's coming off as if you just want to be married rather than being sure you're wanting him.

[peach302]

On 5/6/2021 at 12:05 PM, Curlygurl said:

Hello

I have been seeing this guy for almost 4.5 months exclusively, I know it is not long. We hang out maybe 2 to 3 times a week. I would either go to his place make dinner or we go hiking...not much to do during covid. He have already been intimate. He has been separated and is finalizing his divorce this month. 

I am 37 and want to eventually start a family. I kept pushing this relationship forward and I guess he was feeling pressured and told me that he needed more time to actually get to know me, but as it stands now he doesn't know me. And if we continue meeting only 2-3 times a weeks it may take until the end of the year for him to really know if he wants marriage with me. He said that if we aren't compatible I am ok with that but I don't think you are( i would feel like I wasted all my time). Also from my perspective he really doesn't make a lot of effort to get to know me, if we aren't meeting up he doesn't take the time to call or anything. He expects me to move in with him but I feel like I'm not going to rearrange my whole life when I don't feel I known where this relationship is going 

He suggested I date other guys so I can gauge my true feelings. To be honest I don't even know if I really like him or if wanting marriage and kids are clouding my judgment.

Am I wasting my time with him -  kind of already feel like I wasted it. Should I cut him loose or wait and date other guys?

No clue why he is acting like this. In the beginning he was the one brining up marriage and said he feels like he's falling in love....I obviously didn't buy it because it was too soon 

You're  wasting your time. He doesn't  seem to be in the right place to give you what you want. 

[DatingMom]

I know several women who were in this situation. I completely understand your point of view. It is stressful being in your late 30s and wanting kids.

One woman (a close friend of mine) was in her mid 30s and feeling her clock ticking kept pushing all the men she was dating away because she was so desperate to have a child that she was pressuring them to the point that it was suffocating their relationship. Finally, she decided to just have a child by herself and began the process to do IVF. She did I think one round, and then met this great guy. She was honest with him about the IVF, and he was cool with that. The continued dating, and she eventually got pregnant from the guy... who was totally on board with the baby and all. I think it's when she was finally relaxed about the whole thing that her luck turned around.

Another woman I know is the girlfriend of a friend of mine. She was 38 when they met and really felt her clock ticking. He finally told her that he wasn't against the idea of kids, but he was going through important career changes that he needed to focus on, and he felt that he didn't want to have a kid with someone he wasn't sure he wanted to be together with for a long time, that he could imagining marrying etc. And for him, he wasn't ready to make that decision before knowing a person two years. She did what SHGal0211 suggested: she froze her eggs. She is now 42, they got married last year and they are pregnant as we speak (from the frozen eggs). 

I think you have to find a way to feel less desperate about the kid thing. This is the only way you'll manage to relax and let a relationship progress at a natural and healthy pace. 

Edited May 11, 2021 by DatingMom

[notbroken]

He's not even divorced yet.  No way should he be considering marriage so soon - so he isn't. 

Honestly, just because your clock is ticking doesn't mean he should 'hurry'.  It just isn't fair to him - or others.  Not even yourself.  NEVER rush into marriage/kids with someone, regardless of how old you are.  That seems a sure recipe for disaster - and definitely is in this case.  

I personally would never date someone that is not yet divorced.  WAY too many issues.  They are in 'crazy time' and shouldn't be expected to be stable enough to really commit in any way. 

 

[Eternal Sunshine]

Go back to the dating app/site and scroll through the men. Find someone that is very undesirable to most women. Below average looking, short, unemployed, socially awkward, never had a gf or better yet, all those things. Then put the pressure on - he will likely be on board with anything.