Cheated in the beginning

[Crypto_queen]

Hey everyone . Really need someone to talk to about this so here goes.  

 

Been dating a guy since end of February of this year. We became official end of march. We met last year at a party and he has been chasing for almost a year until I finally submitted to  his request to get to know him. 

 

He lives 8 hrs away so it's a long distance relationship.  We are both 29 yrs old. He outright told me he wanted something serious and hooked me up with a hospital job where I live as he has a connection there (a male friend). I was ecstatic . Job pays over $60 an hour. He told me go make some money for my self. I saw this as his way of wanting something serious and he told me he would start his own high salary job soon after he finishes his masters end of April. It was great.  He would check in every day to see how I'm doing with the job and stuff. Encourage me, and call me every night.  Told me he loved me and it was the first time he ever loved someone.  

 

 

Everything went well until last week I found out from another friend of his who lives in my city told me that he hooked up with another girl beginning of march. He cut ties with her after we became official. I confronted him but it was very hard to get the truth out of him as he doesnt like confrontation.  He finally admitted he did it because it was hard to be away from me while I worked 12 hrs and because he had been hurt in the past so he got scared and cheated.  I knew about his past and it's legit however his reason is wrong and what he did was wrong . 

 

I'm hurting a lot and distanced myself from him . Hes no longer emotional available which is hard bc he wants to keep it that way incase we dont work out  . He didnt really appologize just told me he would engage and marry me if I focused on myself for another month and move me to his city as we both needed to be stable . 

 

He keeps trying to talk to me but not bring up the past. To me it looks like he wants to avoid his wrong doings even though hes regretful deep down. He told me hes trying hard to stay faithful while we are apart and it's very hard when hes away from me he says 

 

I dont really want to continue this for 2 reasons:

 

 1. He didnt appologize he has a lot of pride . But he knows it was a mistake and told me he isn't a cheater. 

 

2. He isnt as emotionally available anymore.  Stopped calling me sweet nicknames. I can't really talk to him casually.  It's very boring for me even though hes very consistent and message me everyday . 

I know what he did was wrong.  I dont need comments on that . I am willing to move past it because he is compatible with me in every other way. 

 

The problem is how to make him emotionally invested again ? Do I distance myself ? When I started distancing myself he has triple texted me until I respond. But I dont want casual talk. I want him to talk with me and be close again . I want our bond tight 

[ShyViolet]

Actually no, what he did was not wrong.  You are overreacting, and blowing this out of proportion.  You just said that you started seeing him in the end of February, and you became "official" in the end of March.  And he hooked up with this girl at the beginning of March.  So it was BEFORE you became official.  That is not "cheating".  At the time he hooked up with this girl, you had been dating him for less than two weeks it sounds like, and you hadn't had the exclusivity talk yet.  

If he had hooked up with someone after you became official then that would be a totally different story.  Keep things in perspective here.  Now he has become less emotionally available as you put it... that is probably because you are pushing him away and scaring him off by making such a big deal about this perceived "cheating".  

[Crypto_queen]

So you havent addressed my exact question.  What should I do now ? I stopped bringing up the topic. How do I get him emotionally invested again? That was my actual question. 

[Gaeta]

He became emotionally unavailable after you distanced yourself from him. 

Un-distance yourself.

He's hurt as well. You confronted him about something that wasn't your business, he had to explain himself went not necessary. That embarassed him. That's not something men recover from quickly. Your 1 month long distance relationship may not be surviving it.

You need to spend time together. Go visit him.

Get rid of that friend.

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, Crypto_queen said:

So you havent addressed my exact question.  What should I do now ? I stopped bringing up the topic. How do I get him emotionally invested again? That was my actual question. 

You might not be able to "get" him to become emotionally invested again.  You've pushed him away and made him feel uncomfortable.  If there's any way you could salvage this relationship then just respect his feelings, try to give him a break and don't grill him about ridiculous things that really aren't a big deal.  Honestly maybe you should apologize to him for blowing up at him about this, and let him know that you now realize that it happened before you were official and that you are going to let it go.

[Crypto_queen]

37 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

He became emotionally unavailable after you distanced yourself from him. 

Un-distance yourself.

He's hurt as well. You confronted him about something that wasn't your business, he had to explain himself went not necessary. That embarassed him. That's not something men recover from quickly. Your 1 month long distance relationship may not be surviving it.

You need to spend time together. Go visit him.

Get rid of that friend.

Hey thanks so much  for your response it was a very good insight to my situation.  I guess it affected me because he was talking to me at the same time .  He also was very playful and touchy with her I'm a tad bit jealous.  

 

 

We cannot see each other for another 3 wks due to conflicting schedules.  Should  bring it up why I'm acting the way I am or should I just keep talking to him like nothing happened ?

[Crypto_queen]

14 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

You might not be able to "get" him to become emotionally invested again.  You've pushed him away and made him feel uncomfortable.  If there's any way you could salvage this relationship then just respect his feelings, try to give him a break and don't grill him about ridiculous things that really aren't a big deal.  Honestly maybe you should apologize to him for blowing up at him about this, and let him know that you now realize that it happened before you were official and that you are going to let it go.

I didnt really attack him I'm just hurt and worried it will happen again especially since he cheated bc he cant see me. I think that's why he is distancing himself bc he doesnt want to get attached lest he gets distracted again 

[Caauug]

4 hours ago, Crypto_queen said:

The problem is how to make him emotionally invested again ? Do I distance myself ?

Distance never makes a R stronger....

4 hours ago, Crypto_queen said:

I dont really want to continue this for 2 reasons:

With that attitude you will never help make the R grow.

You feel you were cheated on, right or wrong that is going to take a lot for you to deal with. As the R is a long distance one, damage on your side, him pulling away, you now have a good job, just cut your losses and find someone local. The purpose of dating is to find out if you are compatible, you have different boundaries than he does, that will always be a huge issue... Wait for a year or two for when he gets settled in and established with his career.... See what happens then...

[elaine567]

He ruined it.
Whilst he was busy making you feel you were wonderful and "the one", behind your back he hooked up with someone else...
You now can't trust a word he says.
Of course he doesn't want to talk about it as he has been outed as a liar, but there may be other reasons he has distanced himself.
Long distance relationships are difficult and maybe he is realising he is just not cut out for one.
Humans usually need close physical contact in order to keep the bonding strong. Without it the bond weakens.
After chasing you intensely for a year, maybe now he has got you, the interest for him has waned...
After you get what you want you don't really want it any more.
The hook up was maybe just the first sign of that.

[KetchupIsGreat]

Listen to my words carefully. RUN AWAY. My lady was deceptive when we first got together, kept talking to her fwb and hid the fact they ever were a thing for 6 months. Now 4 years later, I haven't went one week without wondering if she's being deceptive or if she will cheat on me in the future. The trust has been broken, so run away. 

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, Crypto_queen said:

 dating a guy since end of February of this year. 

He lives 8 hrs away   Told me he loved me and it was the first time he ever loved someone.  

 he had been hurt in the past so he got scared and cheated. 

 told me he would engage and marry me if I focused on myself for another month.

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately a lot of red flags.

8 hr distance.

Only 10 weeks dating.

Unemployed

Fastracking, lovebombing, proposes after dating 10 weeks.

BS artist, tells you he sleeps around because "he was hurt in the past".

It would be best to delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps.

He's lying, cheating and what you found out about is just the tip of the iceberg.

 

 

Edited May 6, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Blind-Sided]

8 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Actually no, what he did was not wrong.  You are overreacting, and blowing this out of proportion.  You just said that you started seeing him in the end of February, and you became "official" in the end of March.  And he hooked up with this girl at the beginning of March.  So it was BEFORE you became official.  That is not "cheating".  At the time he hooked up with this girl, you had been dating him for less than two weeks it sounds like, and you hadn't had the exclusivity talk yet.  

yep.....

And... not to mention... you lived 8 hrs apart.  after 2 weeks... he didn't know if it was gong to work out with you.

[d0nnivain]

You don't make him emotionally invested again.  This disagreement about how he behaved before you were exclusive has killed his feelings for you.  You can't bring something back from the dead. 

You think what he did was wrong.  He doesn't.  That is a fundamental point of incompatibility.  Let this go.  Be grateful you got a good job out of it & move on. 

[ShyViolet]

13 hours ago, Crypto_queen said:

I didnt really attack him I'm just hurt and worried it will happen again especially since he cheated bc he cant see me. I think that's why he is distancing himself bc he doesnt want to get attached lest he gets distracted again 

He's distancing himself because you're being unreasonable and he's not sure you are someone he wants to get involved with.  He hooked up with someone before you two were exclusive. Before.  When you had only been dating two weeks and it was long-distance.  Yet you are calling it "cheating."  This type of attitude is sure to push guys away.  This one is probably already over.  You two have different definitions of "cheating" and you are just not compatible.

[Crypto_queen]

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

He's distancing himself because you're being unreasonable and he's not sure you are someone he wants to get involved with.  He hooked up with someone before you two were exclusive. Before.  When you had only been dating two weeks and it was long-distance.  Yet you are calling it "cheating."  This type of attitude is sure to push guys away.  This one is probably already over.  You two have different definitions of "cheating" and you are just not compatible.

We spoke today and yes he admitted it was cheating himself. He said he had feelings for me for a long time so he shouldnt have gotten involved with this other girl. 

We cannot see each other for another 3 wks due to conflicting schedules.  Should  bring it up why I'm acting the way I am or should I just keep talking to him like nothing happened ?

[ShyViolet]

3 minutes ago, Crypto_queen said:

We spoke today and yes he admitted it was cheating himself. He said he had feelings for me for a long time so he shouldnt have gotten involved with this other girl. 

We cannot see each other for another 3 wks due to conflicting schedules.  Should  bring it up why I'm acting the way I am or should I just keep talking to him like nothing happened ?

I think you should just stop acting this way and let it go.  If you want to try and save this relationship then stop punishing him for this.   You can make a choice, either move on from it and let it go, or ruin this relationship over it.  Perhaps have a simple conversation with him and tell him that you're going to let it go because you really like him and don't want to ruin what you have.

[d0nnivain]

6 minutes ago, Crypto_queen said:

Should  bring it up why I'm acting the way I am or should I just keep talking to him like nothing happened ?

If you are now on the same page about the ethics of what he did, I think your fears about it recurring are unfounded.  I would not trust wholeheartedly at this point & would keep my guard up but I would also keep my mouth shut.  If you nitpick you will kill any good feelings he has toward you.  Accept his apology & promise not to do it again & move forward with this issue as resolved.  Continuing to harp on the subject won't help. 

However if you really can't get passed it, breaking up may be the best option 

[Pumpernickel]

2 minutes ago, Crypto_queen said:

We spoke today and yes he admitted it was cheating himself. He said he had feelings for me for a long time so he shouldnt have gotten involved with this other girl. 

Should  bring it up why I'm acting the way I am or should I just keep talking to him like nothing happened ?

Yes, you should explain why you're hurt and confused. Would you be OK not talking it through? I don't think so. Rug sweeping won't improve the relationship.
He acknowledged he did something wrong and hurtful. Now you guys need to get on the same page. He hasn't even apologized, though, which could be because he's embarrassed. If you like him enough to stay in this relationship, you should tell him that, but also be honest about how his actions make you doubtful. 

[Alpacalia]

20 hours ago, Crypto_queen said:

He finally admitted he did it because it was hard to be away from me while I worked 12 hrs and because he had been hurt in the past so he got scared and cheated.

 

20 hours ago, Crypto_queen said:

Hes no longer emotional available which is hard bc he wants to keep it that way incase we dont work out 

 

20 hours ago, Crypto_queen said:

He told me hes trying hard to stay faithful while we are apart and it's very hard when hes away from me he says 

It's one thing to date several people before becoming "exclusive."

The above statements however may just be indicative of deeper issues.

[d0nnivain]

I agree that you need to clarify whether he's built for an LDR.  If he can't keep his pants on for a few weeks while you are not together, which appears will be often, you can't date him.  

[poppyfields]

49 minutes ago, Crypto_queen said:

We spoke today and yes he admitted it was cheating himself. He said he had feelings for me for a long time so he shouldnt have gotten involved with this other girl. 

I actually don't believe he considered what he did "cheating," reason being it wasn't!  You were not exclusive and had only been dating approx. TWO weeks for goodness sakes.  You had no right to even confront him about it, imo.  

He admitted it was because to NOT admit it would have caused drama so he acquiesced to your frame hoping the whole issue would just go away. That's my take anyway, having five brothers and witnessing what they experience with women they date.  Agree and hope it all goes away.

I don't agree with that approach, sets a very bad precedent going forward, but it is what it is.

 

53 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

I think you should just stop acting this way and let it go.  If you want to try and save this relationship then stop punishing him for this.   You can make a choice, either move on from it and let it go, or ruin this relationship over it.  Perhaps have a simple conversation with him and tell him that you're going to let it go because you really like him and don't want to ruin what you have.

Agree with this!! ^

[elaine567]

Men who like  a lot of sex, do badly in LDRs because they need sex and so will seek it out with other women.
Your bf is young he will need a lot of sex and as you are not available he will likely again go and get it elsewhere.
Whether he is a guy who will remain true once you are together is the unknown you are going to find out if you wish to  continue in this relationship.
If indeed he is the cheating type then you are going to waste a lot of time with him...

if you feel you cannot trust him going forward, end it.
Too many spend their lives anxious and upset with guys they can no longer trust...
Once the trust is gone, it is a miserable existence.
Love should be joyous and make you happy.
Life is too short to be sad and unhappy with a guy who can and has betrayed you

[Pumpernickel]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Men who like  a lot of sex, do badly in LDRs because they need sex and so will seek it out with other women.

This is my very personal experience as well. 

[BaileyB]

23 hours ago, Crypto_queen said:

He told me hes trying hard to stay faithful while we are apart and it's very hard when hes away from me

This statement is worrying to me. What do you think of the fact that he’s going to “try” to stay faithful to you OP?

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

at this point & would keep my guard up but I would also keep my mouth shut. 

Yup! If you decide to stay OP, you will need to turn the page. It means you will have to trust him and let this go. That said, I would still be observant. Keep your eyes open and your mouth shut - you will learn whether that trust was well placed or not. 

Edited May 6, 2021 by BaileyB