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Is moving to a new place a good way to start over or will the same problems follow someone everywhere?

Katkats7777

By Katkats7777
in Self-Improvement and Personal Well-Being

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Katkats7777 Established Member

Katkats7777

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I still live in the same city I grew up in. Sometimes I think about moving to a new city as a way to get a fresh start, no one knows who I am and no memories that I may have in a new place. My current issue is that I have a hard time just meeting people and making friends in general. So if I were to move to a new city,  will I still have that same problem of having a hard time making friends then?

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

You will still be you no matter where you live.  If you move, never before having been away from home, you will have all your old problems but now you will also be lonely.  Just because there will be more people in the new place if you don't have the skills to make new friends the increased number of people will not cause a friend to magically drop into your lap.  

Moving under these circumstances is not a great plan. 

You can get a fresh start right where you are.  Just do something different that you have never done before.   Make new friends where you are or in the next town over.  Join a group.  Volunteer.  Try forging a deeper connection with somebody you already know.  

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Katkats7777 Established Member

Katkats7777

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Posted (edited)

But people move for jobs and are alot happier

Edited by Katkats7777
Happy Lemming Established Member

Happy Lemming

Posted
Posted

I was nomadic in my youth... I never stayed in any one city/town/area for more than 2-3 years.   It was glorious.  I can't tell you how much fun it was to explore a new city, meet new people, try new food. 

I really enjoyed dating new people.  No one knew me, no woman knew my past and I didn't disclose how many times I had moved around. 

I enjoyed hitting that proverbial "Reset" button.  I've had some GREAT experiences.  It was quite fulfilling being nomadic.

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Happy Lemming Established Member

Happy Lemming

Posted
Posted
34 minutes ago, Katkats7777 said:

But people move for jobs and are alot happier

Yes... I had this "head hunter" who had national contacts.  She had this uncanny ability to know when I was ready to move.

She'd call me up and ask if I was ready to make a change.  Then she would "place" me about this new and exciting opportunity.

It was glorious and yes I was quite Happy... I can't really think of a downside, as it worked for me.

Now I'm retired and have planted roots, which is fine.  I know I did what I wanted to and very much enjoyed my youth.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Katkats7777 said:

But people move for jobs and are alot happier

They do but broad generalizations don't change the fact that we're not talking about statistical probabilities.  We are talking about you & your life.  Will you be happier? I doubt it.  

GIGs is not reality.  

If you have never lived away from home, uprooting your whole life for the big city, if that hasn't been your life long dream, is unlikely to make you happier.  If  you have trouble making friends in a small town where people are probably at least nice / polite to you because they will inevitably run into you again & they know your family, you are not going to be able to make friends in a cold city where nobody cares & it's more the norm not to know your neighbors 

What is your plan?  Do you have a job lined up?  How will you afford the increased everything -- rent?  food? entertainment? etc.   What will you do for fun when you don't know a soul?  Have you ever lived alone?  Can you hack it?  Try at least taking a trip over a long weekend all by yourself & see how you do with nobody to come home to.  

 

Foxhall Established Member

Foxhall

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Posted

Yes interesting there, very good points raised by the previous poster,

against that though- if you dont move now, chances are you may never leave your home city,

a small town can hold you back too.

maybe its time, take a chance, see how you get on for a year.

BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted (edited)
4 hours ago, Katkats7777 said:

My current issue is that I have a hard time just meeting people and making friends in general. So if I were to move to a new city,  will I still have that same problem of having a hard time making friends then?

Probably. Your personality won’t change when you move to a new city. 

Some of my friends who have moved away have shared that it takes years to build a similar social network to the one they had at “home.” It’s hard to crack a social group sometimes - everyone is busy, social groups are previously established, not everyone feels the need to make new friends - their lives are filled with family, friends, and then children. Those that I know have had the best success are those who have moved to a place where nobody has family, social groups are not long standing because everyone is itinerant - like students who move to attend school or professionals who travel to work in the far northern communities for a few years. Otherwise, I would say that people who do well with a move such as you describe are those who have a certain personality - the risk takers, who value adventure more than stability, who are social beings and open to new experiences. While it could be a great adventure, you may also have never felt so lonely in your whole life! I have a friend who dreamed of moving to NYC. She got a very small apartment that she could not really afford and returned home after a few months because she said she had never felt so lonely before in her life! Big city, full of people, not a single person who knew her name. Some people would thrive on that kind of adventure. For my friend, it was a profoundly lonely experience. So, my advice would be - you know yourself best. Are you ready for adventure, ready to grow, and willing to take a risk! If that’s you - go for it! You can always move home again. Go and have a new experience. See what happens. But, if that’s not you... perhaps you could find ways to expand your social group and have new experiences at home. 

Edited by BaileyB
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

You had another thread a few weeks back about job hunting.  At the time you were asking about getting an associates degree vs a certificate.  Maybe going back to school & opening up your world that way -- through education -- is a better 1st step then uprooting your whole life & moving on a whim.  

Some people like @Happy Lemming are nomadic & make friends easily.  If you are somebody who is not that social you will be very unhappy in a new place with no support system.  

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Happy Lemming Established Member

Happy Lemming

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

You had another thread a few weeks back about job hunting.  At the time you were asking about getting an associates degree vs a certificate.  Maybe going back to school & opening up your world that way -- through education -- is a better 1st step then uprooting your whole life & moving on a whim.  

Some people like @Happy Lemming are nomadic & make friends easily.  If you are somebody who is not that social you will be very unhappy in a new place with no support system.  

Yes... It only took me 3-4 weeks to find a new woman to date (once I arrived at new city).  Every one of them seemed happy to show me their town/city, good restaurants, local sights, best pubs with great Happy Hours, etc.  I am making the assumption that the OP has the ability to be social.  If an individual is agoraphobic, then yes it will be difficult to date/make new friends.

As a side note, no matter how much I planned and worked on my moving budget, it always seemed to cost more to move and get established in a new city/town.  Some unexpected expense always came up, so one would need to have some savings/backup money to pay for these unexpected expenses/costs.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted
18 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said:

I am making the assumption that the OP has the ability to be social. 

Based on her own self assessment below, I think your assumption is incorrect:  

20 hours ago, Katkats7777 said:

I have a hard time just meeting people and making friends in general. 

She is not going to magically transform into a social butterfly because her zip code changed.   Rather she will be lonely, more isolated & now broke based on the moving expenses.  

Happy Lemming Established Member

Happy Lemming

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@d0nnivain  She doesn't have to be a social butterfly, but she does have to make the attempt to go places where other single people (her age) congregate.

Maybe the OP will log back on and tell us if she is willing to make that attempt.

But you are correct, if she "holes up" in her new apartment, she will be isolated and lonely.  No one is going to knock on her front door and magically become friends with her or date her.  It will take effort on her part.

 

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Katkats7777 Established Member

Katkats7777

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7 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

@d0nnivain  She doesn't have to be a social butterfly, but she does have to make the attempt to go places where other single people (her age) congregate.

Maybe the OP will log back on and tell us if she is willing to make that attempt.

But you are correct, if she "holes up" in her new apartment, she will be isolated and lonely.  No one is going to knock on her front door and magically become friends with her or date her.  It will take effort on her part.

 

Yes, I have the ability to be social, I have taken part meet up groups and socialized with ppl my age, however its a hit or miss, yes socializing is one thing but having a actually friendship come out of anyone that someone meets out and about is another. Also friendship is a 2 way street. I'm not one to go to a bar alone on fri or sat and have small talk with strangers already in groups. However I have been out to danceclubs alone in pursuit to meet guys and I've had some luck. But guys aside, my point is socializing with random people and having a real friendship are two different things if that makes sense. 

Happy Lemming Established Member

Happy Lemming

Posted
Posted
5 minutes ago, Katkats7777 said:

Yes, I have the ability to be social...

In theory... friendships will naturally follow.

One of the first things I did when I moved to a new city/town was introduce myself to my neighbors and ask for their opinion on various subjects.  Best Restaurants, interesting sights, places to avoid, etc. etc.  One (male) neighbor (who I became fast friends with) introduced me to another neighbor (female) who was single and we started dating.  I hadn't been in town two days and I was dating this GREAT person.  She showed me all of her favorite places to eat, drink, hike, get ice cream, etc.

I always enjoyed moving to new locations!!

 

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted
14 hours ago, Katkats7777 said:

 my point is socializing with random people and having a real friendship are two different things if that makes sense. 

It does make sense.  They are two different things.  It's good that you recognize this.

If you want to move, then move but you still need a plan.  Where?  Why?  what are you expectations?  How much will this cost?  You don't have to answer on this forum but you better know the answers.  

On the other had there are people who just throw a dart at a map & see where life takes them. 

glows Established Member

glows

Posted
Posted (edited)
On 5/5/2021 at 10:48 AM, Katkats7777 said:

I still live in the same city I grew up in. Sometimes I think about moving to a new city as a way to get a fresh start, no one knows who I am and no memories that I may have in a new place. My current issue is that I have a hard time just meeting people and making friends in general. So if I were to move to a new city,  will I still have that same problem of having a hard time making friends then?

Most people worry about this moving to a new place - making friends or what the people will be like in a new area and adjusting.

But are you moving to make friends or are you moving for work or school? You'll make friends anyway over time with those who are similar to you if you make time for it and are open to getting to know others. 

 

Edited by glows
Noproblem Established Member

Noproblem

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Posted (edited)

No, moving your solve half of your problems, You can start fresh somewhere else, I don't agree with people saying you'll always be you.. Of course, but many issues and problems happened because we are stuck in the same place with the same horrible people that drag us down into their pitiful life.

Move and block everyone you ever knew that gave you negative feelings or you caused them negative feelings. Start fresh somewhere else, but make sure you have a plan before jumping into another city!

 

Moving will expand your horizon and make you grow emotionally and be more open minded and maybe even happier!

Try to choose a city that is accepting of all races and diverse!

Honestly, there are places in the US where you can't do anything, no life at all unless you have a husband with many kids.. Avoid such places and move to the big cities!

 

Best of luck!

 

 

 

 

Edited by Noproblem
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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted

Read:

Wherever You Go, There You Are. By Jon Kabat-Zinn an American professor emeritus of medicine and the creator of the Stress Reduction Clinic and the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and Society at the University of Massachusetts Medical School. 

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dramafreezone Established Member

dramafreezone

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Posted (edited)

I always felt I should've been born in NYC instead of a suburban city in the south.  I always felt stifled in a small city and moved away when I was 22.  I've always preferred large cities.

If you're even thinking about moving I think you should do it.  Start making plans today.  You can go anywhere you want.  It's not going to solve all of your problems but it's the first step in taking responsibility of your life.  I owe most of what I have in my life (my career, my house, my friendships) because I had the courage to move away from home.  My entire mindset changed when I didn't have that safety net anymore.

Edited by dramafreezone
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ShyViolet Established Member

ShyViolet

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Posted

I strongly feel that every young person should leave their hometown and experience living somewhere else at least once in their life.  I am from New York, and I moved to another city for a few years in my 20's.  It was an amazing growing experience.  I am so eternally grateful that I had that experience.  Eventually I came back to New York where I am now.

I know there are people who never leave their hometown.  Honestly I think that's kind of depressing and lame.  If you can do it, push yourself to have new experiences.  There is more to life than your hometown.  However, you need to have a healthy attitude about what this would mean, and what it doesn't mean.  Moving somewhere else doesn't mean that you are going to be able to run away from your problems, or that it will magically make you happy.  This is not what it's about.  It's just about having a growing experience, about expanding your horizons.

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robaday Established Member

robaday

Posted
Posted

Yes and No. Yes I find that your problems can be magnified on the road as it were, I chose that life (I've lived in eight countries now) and I can say from experience you will feel isolated and at times wish you were content where you grew up like the people you know back home.

However I feel that that is a sacrifice worth making. When you are away from your hometown (particularly if you are self conscious) you won't be worried about people you know seeing you try new things. By moving to a new place I was able to step outside of my comfort zone because lets face it we need human connection and your survival instincts kick in (particularly in developing countries) - you have to meet people to survive. 

I could have tried the hobbies I do in my hometown. I could have met a lot of new people in my hometown. I could have dealt with my problems in my hometown. But moving place to place allowed me to try things I would probably not have done for fear of judgment by friends or family. Allowed me to flirt with women regularly as I knew I had nothing to lose (no one knows me after all so the fear of rejection eases). Allowed me to find myself because I only really learnt about myself when I faced the challenge of creating a new life, where no one new me in different cultures and contexts. 

I was in my hometown about six years ago. A friend of a friend asked me "what did you get from living in all those places that you couldn't get here?". It was in a judgmental tone. After 16 years away my mind just had a kaleidoscope of images of the places I had been lucky to have been, of the people I had been lucky to meet, of the challenges I had overcome. I couldn't give him an answer, I just sat back and smiled at how fortunate I felt i had been. 

basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted

My view is that if you recognise what the problems were and undertake personal growth, then a fresh start could well happen.  But if moving is not accompanied by personal growth, then the same problems will likely occur.  

If you started again in a different place, what would you do differently? 

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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

Posted
Posted

Happens all the time. People take who they are with them so the scenery changes but all the same issues plus some occur.

The only difference is a relocation for a better job to a better area.

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dangerous Established Member

dangerous

Posted
Posted
On 5/5/2021 at 6:48 PM, Katkats7777 said:

I still live in the same city I grew up in. Sometimes I think about moving to a new city as a way to get a fresh start, no one knows who I am and no memories that I may have in a new place. My current issue is that I have a hard time just meeting people and making friends in general. So if I were to move to a new city,  will I still have that same problem of having a hard time making friends then?

No harm in moving if you think the change will give you a new chance or outllook.

I lost everything: bankrupt, divorce, health issues, depression etc. So I moved with job.

At new city, i lost the job, had no friends nothing. I stayed there for 5 years, made new friends, got healthy, had relationships: I grew alot in myself.

Now, I am bored: left job, relationships ended, so i am looking at a new city: I want to meet new people, new experiences, bigger city with more variety: everything is transient, even the Buddhists, amongst others believe this. I am looking forward to a new "chapter" of my life.

The secret is to find happiness in yourself, then you can be happy anywhere: in your back yard or in a new land, 

Don't be afraid.

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