lana-banana Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 1 minute ago, Ging84 said: They were broken up for almost a year when they got back together, and they only got back together for a few weeks so I wouldn’t think he’d need that much time to get over her. He spent almost a year pining after her and convinced her to try again? A few weeks notwithstanding, that's even worse. Who broke it off the second time? 3
glows Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 I'm not sure what colour flag but I probably wouldn't speak as often with him or meet with him much. He would be lower on the list of priorities and I would date others. There wouldn't be a conversation about it. Too early and a turn off. 4
MsJayne Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 I wouldn't tell him you saw that he's following his ex, and I'd be wary of getting too emotionally invested. He's told you they broke up because they wanted different things - I'd want to know what those different things were and who ended the relationship. Sounds like it may have been her and he's hovering on the periphery hoping she'll change her mind. The fact that you're checking her page, etc, says you already feel undermined in this new relationship, and yep, that's a flag, though not sure what colour. 4
Author Ging84 Posted May 4, 2021 Author Posted May 4, 2021 (edited) 11 minutes ago, lana-banana said: He spent almost a year pining after her and convinced her to try again? A few weeks notwithstanding, that's even worse. Who broke it off the second time? He broke it off both times over her wanting children, he doesn’t. So I don’t know that he was “pining” over her. He said the second time around he thought maybe he could do the kid thing but she wanted to have kids within the year and he just wasn’t ready. FYI he’s divorced and already has kids. Edited May 4, 2021 by Ging84
dramafreezone Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 3 minutes ago, Ging84 said: They were broken up for almost a year when they got back together, and they only got back together for a few weeks so I wouldn’t think he’d need that much time to get over her. When this happens they've imprinted on each other. They were each other's best relationship. That said, that doesn't mean that it was necessarily a good relationship, which is why the reunion failed. Love is a risk but he's with you for a reason. The best you can do is be his best option. I can tell you one thing, if you bring this up he will get defensive. You've only been with him for a fraction of the time they've known each other. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that there's no risk that he'll ever go back to her, so you just have to ask yourself if he's worth investing more of your time. If you're better than her you'll show it, but it will take time. Showing jealousy or insecurity won't help. 3 2
lana-banana Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 5 minutes ago, Ging84 said: He broke it off both times over her wanting children, he doesn’t. So I don’t know that he was “pining” over her. He said the second time around he thought maybe he could do the kid thing but she wanted to have kids within the year and he just wasn’t ready. FYI he’s divorced and already has kids. It sure sounds like pining to me. There is a LOT going on in this situation and I would frankly not feel comfortable dating somebody who was so recently talking about kids (even theoretically) with someone they spent a whole year unable to get over. Proceed at your own risk. 3
Author Ging84 Posted May 4, 2021 Author Posted May 4, 2021 5 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: When this happens they've imprinted on each other. They were each other's best relationship. That said, that doesn't mean that it was necessarily a good relationship, which is why the reunion failed. Love is a risk but he's with you for a reason. The best you can do is be his best option. I can tell you one thing, if you bring this up he will get defensive. You've only been with him for a fraction of the time they've known each other. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that there's no risk that he'll ever go back to her, so you just have to ask yourself if he's worth investing more of your time. If you're better than her you'll show it, but it will take time. Showing jealousy or insecurity won't help. I’ll be honest, this is what I was thinking May be the case. He said she was his longest relationship after his divorce (they were initially together for almost a year before the first breakup)
kendahke Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 1 hour ago, Ging84 said: I just don’t want to date someone who’s not over his ex. I’m not saying he is or he isn’t but him liking her selfies makes me think he may not be totally over her. On some level, he probably isn't. The idea of you doesn't stop him from letting her know he's still around by liking her picture. I'd step on the brakes right now-- you might be getting ahead of yourself with what is actually going on with him. If he and her were together 4-5 months ago and there wasn't anything abhorrent that broke them up and he thinks nothing of going to her social media and liking her selfies, then chances are they are in a "break" situation . Sounds like they never did a hard break and he's really not ready to go full bore in a new relationship. He may have told you he did just to get the sex out of you, but that doesn't mean that's where his head really is. And I'd tell him that you saw the pics because he needs to either poop or get off the pot when it comes to her. If he's not ready to be with you, the sooner you know that, the less painful it's going to be for you.
d0nnivain Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 40 minutes ago, Ging84 said: He broke it off both times over her wanting children, he doesn’t. So I don’t know that he was “pining” over her. He said the second time around he thought maybe he could do the kid thing but she wanted to have kids within the year and he just wasn’t ready. FYI he’s divorced and already has kids. That's bad. I mistakenly though you two were "kids" yourselves. They are not apart because he stopped having feelings for her. They are apart over the issue of kids. If she said no to more kids he'd leave scorch marks on you as he sped away to get to her. 3
dramafreezone Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 22 minutes ago, kendahke said: And I'd tell him that you saw the pics because he needs to either poop or get off the pot when it comes to her. If he's not ready to be with you, the sooner you know that, the less painful it's going to be for you. Well, I can assure you that he'll break up with her if she does this. I know I would. It's been one dang month, and he is with her, not the ex. He liked a photo and people are blowing this way out of proportion. She should give him an ultamatum off of a "like?"
MsJayne Posted May 5, 2021 Posted May 5, 2021 1 hour ago, Ging84 said: He broke it off both times over her wanting children, he doesn’t. So I don’t know that he was “pining” over her. He said the second time around he thought maybe he could do the kid thing but she wanted to have kids within the year and he just wasn’t ready. FYI he’s divorced and already has kids. He's liking her posts on social media, when in fact he should be getting right out of her life so she can move on and meet someone else to have the family she wants. It just doesn't sound right that he's twice ended it because of the kid thing, like she's the one he wants but only on his terms. If she's in her thirties, (I'm guessing her age bracket based on your info), and really wants kids then him getting back together with her by saying he'd be OK with kids, but then balking at it when she wants to get going, indicates selfishness on his part, like he got back with her under false pretences and she called him on it. 1
Alpacalia Posted May 5, 2021 Posted May 5, 2021 Sounds like he started dating you a month following his last relationship? Even if they were on/off, I would take my time and observe. It takes awhile to disentangle two lives that have been intertwined. 1
spiderowl Posted May 5, 2021 Posted May 5, 2021 It doesn't sound like he's ready to move on. In your situation, I'd feel insecure too. I would not invest too much in him because it's too soon and he didn't leave her because he disliked her. Kids are a dealbreaker but his heart could still be with her. It's not fair on you but at least if you know you can choose whether or not to pursue a relationship with him. 1
sushiandtacos Posted May 5, 2021 Posted May 5, 2021 (edited) I'd tread lightly. If you two didn't state exclusivity then he can do whatever he wishes including liking an ex's pic. I agree with previous posts saying it's too early to say anything since you guys have been only dating a month. If you two are exclusive, then that's another story. I'd take note of this and proceed with caution. Don't put all your eggs in one basket, be open to talking to other guys in the meanwhile! If I were you, I wouldn't be at his beck and call and put him low in the list of priorities until he proves himself to be otherwise. Liking an ex's pic might not be a red flag, but it's certainly not nothing. I actually stopped dating a guy (we've been dating a few months) because he posted a video with his ex from a trip a year and a half ago they took! Not because of the video itself, but because I realized I wouldn't want to be with a guy who is still posting things with an ex involved. But liking a pic and posting a video is entirely different so I'd be cautious if I were in your shoes. The only reason why I brought it up to him was because things were headed toward a serious direction and I told him point blank - Hey I'm not a jealous person at all, but if you want to go be with your ex then by all means go for it. His reaction involved gaslighting, excuses, etc. which made me break things off with him. If you do decide to bring it up, then it's not a bad idea to go along the lines with what I said. Stating it's not about jealousy or insecurity whatsoever, but how you don't want to be wasting time with someone who is still not over their ex. Edited May 5, 2021 by sushiandtacos 2
Uruktopi Posted May 5, 2021 Posted May 5, 2021 4 hours ago, Ging84 said: Nonetheless it was clearly a sexy pic Enough...
Lotsgoingon Posted May 5, 2021 Posted May 5, 2021 Red flag. One, posting likes like this means he hasn't moved out of denial. He still thinks he can be "friends" with an ex. That can happen (I'm friends with some exes) but usually it's a rocky road and a long road. Can't be friends two months after breaking up with someone. He sounds still attached to the previous woman. Red flag. Flaming red flag. 3
Author Ging84 Posted May 5, 2021 Author Posted May 5, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, MsJayne said: He's liking her posts on social media, when in fact he should be getting right out of her life so she can move on and meet someone else to have the family she wants. It just doesn't sound right that he's twice ended it because of the kid thing, like she's the one he wants but only on his terms. If she's in her thirties, (I'm guessing her age bracket based on your info), and really wants kids then him getting back together with her by saying he'd be OK with kids, but then balking at it when she wants to get going, indicates selfishness on his part, like he got back with her under false pretences and she called him on it. I was thinking this exact same thing! Almost like he got back with her a year later in hopes that perhaps she may have changed her mind about having kids, and when he found out she didn’t and she was putting the pressure on him he ended it. I wouldn’t be surprised if he tries to get back with her in another year in hopes that she’ll be too old to have kids. Almost like he’s waiting her out, hence the likes as a reminder that he’s still there. Edited May 5, 2021 by Ging84 1
Caauug Posted May 5, 2021 Posted May 5, 2021 5 hours ago, Ging84 said: Thinking your ex looks nice and letting them you know you think they look nice are two different things in my book lol. Have you told him this is one of your boundaries? FYI Ladies: Men can not read your minds, thoughts, feelings or emotions and sometimes can not tell what mood you are in. Men are very poor (for the most part) at picking up hints or cryptic languages when you want something but you won't say you want something from us. If you want a man to know something.... Tell him plainly in his native language!!! This will never change, he is a man!!! Maybe women can read each others minds, men can not!!! Please spend some time and get to understand this. Yes, men are disadvantaged by not having mind reading skills. 4 hours ago, Ging84 said: FYI he’s divorced and already has kids. So your not teenagers and not likely 20's.... There's an old saying that goes along the lines of: "Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed." I know you are not married but I think this still applies. If you don't like what he does leave him, as he will not likely change and you should never try to change someone. He is not yours to mold into someone you want him to be, and he is much to old to even try. If he did change to suit your desires you would loose respect for him anyway. He is who he is, if he doesn't fit with you, find someone else to replace him. Some people have a hard time understanding this also....
dramafreezone Posted May 5, 2021 Posted May 5, 2021 1 hour ago, Ging84 said: I was thinking this exact same thing! Almost like he got back with her a year later in hopes that perhaps she may have changed her mind about having kids, and when he found out she didn’t and she was putting the pressure on him he ended it. I wouldn’t be surprised if he tries to get back with her in another year in hopes that she’ll be too old to have kids. Almost like he’s waiting her out, hence the likes as a reminder that he’s still there. The past is the past. That said, already sounds like there's a real lack of trust on your end (even though he's done nothing to you), so maybe it's best that you just break it off now. You've all created this entire hypothetical scenario off of basically nothing. This whole thing has more to do with your insecurities than that FB like.
Wiseman2 Posted May 5, 2021 Posted May 5, 2021 12 hours ago, Ging84 said: Been seeing a guy for a little over a month. . The thing that bothers me is they still follow each other on social media. Ok. It's only 30 days dating, so the best thing in this case is cutting your losses. Entering someone's love triangle or getting caught in the crossfire of anyone's on/off nonsense is a headache and heartache you don't need. If you are already feeling bad after 4 weeks dating, that's a huge red flag .
introverted1 Posted May 5, 2021 Posted May 5, 2021 13 hours ago, Ging84 said: He had broken up with his ex gf over a year ago and they briefly got back together this past winter for a few weeks. Ultimately it ended because they want different things. 12 hours ago, Ging84 said: They were broken up for almost a year when they got back together, and they only got back together for a few weeks so I wouldn’t think he’d need that much time to get over her. 12 hours ago, Ging84 said: He broke it off both times over her wanting children, he doesn’t. So I don’t know that he was “pining” over her. He said the second time around he thought maybe he could do the kid thing but she wanted to have kids within the year and he just wasn’t ready. This is the red flag, imo, not that he liked her picture. He's made it pretty clear he is still attached to his ex and only the issue of children is keeping them apart. If she decides she can wait more than a year (quite possible since she's not likely to meet a new man who'll be willing to have a baby in a year), and he remains ok with the idea of a child in the future, there is nothing to keep them apart. Including you. 2
d0nnivain Posted May 5, 2021 Posted May 5, 2021 10 hours ago, Ging84 said: I wouldn’t be surprised if he tries to get back with her in another year in hopes that she’ll be too old to have kids. Almost like he’s waiting her out, hence the likes as a reminder that he’s still there. Exactly Liking a social media post in & of itself is not usually a death knell to a new relationship. Here in context -- them breaking up recently over an ongoing issue of kids -- that like is more than a simple click. If she gave up the idea of kids, he'd be with her in a NY minute. You are the placeholder.
Author Ging84 Posted May 5, 2021 Author Posted May 5, 2021 2 hours ago, introverted1 said: This is the red flag, imo, not that he liked her picture. He's made it pretty clear he is still attached to his ex and only the issue of children is keeping them apart. If she decides she can wait more than a year (quite possible since she's not likely to meet a new man who'll be willing to have a baby in a year), and he remains ok with the idea of a child in the future, there is nothing to keep them apart. Including you. He said he does not want children, so I don’t think he’d be ok with it in the future either. Plus he’s kinda up there in age to be waiting to have more kids. I think if he was really willing to have kids he would do it sooner rather than later. Plus he’s mentioned on a few occasions to me how hard it is to raise kids (in general, not pertaining to the situation with the ex) to me he sounds like a guy where having kids is the last thing on his mind.
introverted1 Posted May 5, 2021 Posted May 5, 2021 4 minutes ago, Ging84 said: He said he does not want children, so I don’t think he’d be ok with it in the future either. Plus he’s kinda up there in age to be waiting to have more kids. I think if he was really willing to have kids he would do it sooner rather than later. Plus he’s mentioned on a few occasions to me how hard it is to raise kids (in general, not pertaining to the situation with the ex) to me he sounds like a guy where having kids is the last thing on his mind. But... 14 hours ago, Ging84 said: He broke it off both times over her wanting children, he doesn’t. So I don’t know that he was “pining” over her. He said the second time around he thought maybe he could do the kid thing but she wanted to have kids within the year and he just wasn’t ready. He almost changed his mind, but the timing wasn't right. So either he'll get over his timing issues OR she will realise that her fastest bet for kids is to wait for him OR she will age out of being able to have a child. It doesn't really matter which one it is. What matters is that the reason they are not together is practical -- kids or no kids -- not emotional. So he may have moved on in a pragmatic sense: he may cognitively understand that you are a better choice given his preference to not have another child, but this does not mean he has moved on in an emotional sense. So even if he and the ex can't work out the issue of children, he's still not over her emotionally. Which means he isn't actually free to fall in love with you. If you're just looking for a guy to date casually, carry on. But if you are falling for him and hoping he will fall for you, tread with caution. 2
kendahke Posted May 8, 2021 Posted May 8, 2021 On 5/4/2021 at 7:38 PM, dramafreezone said: Well, I can assure you that he'll break up with her if she does this. I know I would. That probably needs to happen. He doesn't sound like he's 100% into her, hence my saying this to get him off the fence.
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