Lifegoeson12 Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 So here's my problem and please bear with me. So to cut a long story short, I have recently gone under some serious changes, I have excelled in my career, I got into the best shape of my life and I am finally feeling content with my life. I have really gained a lot of confidence. For instance, I used to never think I was pretty. That probably has something to do with never being called it by any of my previous boyfriends. Where now I look in the mirror and I am happy with what I see. I get message after message on my instagram, from friends, followers and even guys complimenting me on my transformation. I went from being too skinny to building those curves and muscles in the right place. There are guys who I have followed for years on instagram and who have followed me who never said anything are now messaging me asking me out. I now notice when out and about I get a lot more looks than I did. I have this running joke with my friends. I either look really good or really bad as people are staring. Is watching someone transform and grow attractive? The thing is even with more attention I'm having worse dating problems. Before when I hated my appearance, guys would ask me out and we would confirm plans and meet where now I talk to more guys but it never follows through. For instance I was talking to this guy we had discussed meeting before but we both got pretty busy. So I texted him Thursday to see if he wanted to meet Friday. He didnt reply till Fri evening at this point I had already made other plans but he didn't even mention that I had asked to meet him, Then on Sunday I had made pre-plans to meet another guy for a walk to the beach, again Sunday came and I didn't hear a thing from him until Sunday evening and again he didn't even mention the fact we had planned to meet. I wasn't sitting around waiting for them, Friday I was meant to meet the guy for dinner and drinks so I went with friends instead, the same with Sunday I went to the beach with my friends. I would like to meet them but I am starting to lose interest. My best friend seems to think that maybe they are intimidated by the fact that I am not at their beck and call and that they see I don't wait around for them to confirm plans. Then I was talking to another guy who wouldn't meet me because I got into great shape and he put on weight over lockdown. Stupid I know, I couldn't care less if he did or not but he said he wont meet me till he get back into shape. What is going on!!! I go hiking a lot and run and hang out with friends a lot more than I did before but I of course would make time for a guy if he wanted a date etc so I can't figure out where I am going wrong, Am I being too busy?
d0nnivain Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 You are not doing anything wrong. Don't settle for these guys that can extend common courtesy. They are showing their true colors. 3 1
Blind-Sided Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 Yep.... nothing wrong with you. (Probably) stop trying to meet on social media. I'm not a fan of OLD either... but at least it is very known that you are looking for a date.
introverted1 Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 54 minutes ago, Lifegoeson12 said: For instance I was talking to this guy we had discussed meeting before but we both got pretty busy. So I texted him Thursday to see if he wanted to meet Friday. He didnt reply till Fri evening at this point I had already made other plans but he didn't even mention that I had asked to meet him, Then on Sunday I had made pre-plans to meet another guy for a walk to the beach, again Sunday came and I didn't hear a thing from him until Sunday evening and again he didn't even mention the fact we had planned to meet. Guy #1 (Friday) - sounds like you never actually had plans. I'd interpret his actions as low interest. Guy #2 (Sunday) - what were the pre-plans? Did you actually specific details figured out (let's meet at X location at Y time) and place set or was this more of a casual thing where one of you said, maybe we should take a walk on the beach Sunday. 1
peach302 Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 1 hour ago, Lifegoeson12 said: So here's my problem and please bear with me. So to cut a long story short, I have recently gone under some serious changes, I have excelled in my career, I got into the best shape of my life and I am finally feeling content with my life. I have really gained a lot of confidence. For instance, I used to never think I was pretty. That probably has something to do with never being called it by any of my previous boyfriends. Where now I look in the mirror and I am happy with what I see. I get message after message on my instagram, from friends, followers and even guys complimenting me on my transformation. I went from being too skinny to building those curves and muscles in the right place. There are guys who I have followed for years on instagram and who have followed me who never said anything are now messaging me asking me out. I now notice when out and about I get a lot more looks than I did. I have this running joke with my friends. I either look really good or really bad as people are staring. Is watching someone transform and grow attractive? The thing is even with more attention I'm having worse dating problems. Before when I hated my appearance, guys would ask me out and we would confirm plans and meet where now I talk to more guys but it never follows through. For instance I was talking to this guy we had discussed meeting before but we both got pretty busy. So I texted him Thursday to see if he wanted to meet Friday. He didnt reply till Fri evening at this point I had already made other plans but he didn't even mention that I had asked to meet him, Then on Sunday I had made pre-plans to meet another guy for a walk to the beach, again Sunday came and I didn't hear a thing from him until Sunday evening and again he didn't even mention the fact we had planned to meet. I wasn't sitting around waiting for them, Friday I was meant to meet the guy for dinner and drinks so I went with friends instead, the same with Sunday I went to the beach with my friends. I would like to meet them but I am starting to lose interest. My best friend seems to think that maybe they are intimidated by the fact that I am not at their beck and call and that they see I don't wait around for them to confirm plans. Then I was talking to another guy who wouldn't meet me because I got into great shape and he put on weight over lockdown. Stupid I know, I couldn't care less if he did or not but he said he wont meet me till he get back into shape. What is going on!!! I go hiking a lot and run and hang out with friends a lot more than I did before but I of course would make time for a guy if he wanted a date etc so I can't figure out where I am going wrong, Am I being too busy? No you're not being too busy. Why would you think that. A happy and fulfilling life is the way to go. These men are probably lazy/uninterested and not looking for anything serious.
Author Lifegoeson12 Posted May 4, 2021 Author Posted May 4, 2021 24 minutes ago, introverted1 said: Guy #1 (Friday) - sounds like you never actually had plans. I'd interpret his actions as low interest. Guy #2 (Sunday) - what were the pre-plans? Did you actually specific details figured out (let's meet at X location at Y time) and place set or was this more of a casual thing where one of you said, maybe we should take a walk on the beach Sunday. So yeah Guy #1 we never actually had proper plans in place as he ignored the message. He saw it but didn’t reply till the next evening until I’d made other plans - The only reason I’m curious to this is this is the second time it’s happened. Although he has no problem texting me at 2am drunk lol Guy #2 we had agreed to meet Sunday and even picked a place the beach but we never set a time so more of a casual thing. I do like this guy he seems nice. do you think it’s worth asking them one more time if they’d like to do something as see what they say or is the lack of setting plans a sign?
Author Lifegoeson12 Posted May 4, 2021 Author Posted May 4, 2021 I’m not really bothered by the fact that they didn’t confirm as we never had concrete plans but more bothered by the fact they didn’t acknowledge that we where considering doing something. so more of a sorry I know we had talked about meeting Sunday. Sorry I couldn’t make it lets do Tuesday instead type of thing. That’s what I would’ve done instead of ignoring it.
peach302 Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 1 minute ago, Lifegoeson12 said: So yeah Guy #1 we never actually had proper plans in place as he ignored the message. He saw it but didn’t reply till the next evening until I’d made other plans - The only reason I’m curious to this is this is the second time it’s happened. Although he has no problem texting me at 2am drunk lol Guy #2 we had agreed to meet Sunday and even picked a place the beach but we never set a time so more of a casual thing. I do like this guy he seems nice. do you think it’s worth asking them one more time if they’d like to do something as see what they say or is the lack of setting plans a sign? Guy 1 : not looking for anything serious. Definitely does not want to go on a date. Guy 2 : Not a proactive guy so will wait for you to do everything or is not that interested. I wouldnt bother with either. 2
introverted1 Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 8 minutes ago, Lifegoeson12 said: So yeah Guy #1 we never actually had proper plans in place as he ignored the message. He saw it but didn’t reply till the next evening until I’d made other plans - The only reason I’m curious to this is this is the second time it’s happened. Although he has no problem texting me at 2am drunk lol Guy #2 we had agreed to meet Sunday and even picked a place the beach but we never set a time so more of a casual thing. I do like this guy he seems nice. do you think it’s worth asking them one more time if they’d like to do something as see what they say or is the lack of setting plans a sign? I think the take-away is that you didn't really have a date planned with either of these guys. Guy 1 was at your initiative and his lack of response followed by ignoring your question is a 'no.' Guy 2 was slightly less ambiguous but without a time to meet, you essentially had no plan. It's up to you of course whether you want to be the "engine" that initiates/plans/organizes dates. Personally, in the early stages, I prefer for the man to ask for a clear-cut date, none of this maybe we can do X on Y day stuff. Just because you are in shape and feeling confident does not mean there won't be flaky people who cross your path. Your job is to assess who is worthy of your time and who isn't. 3 1
smackie9 Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 Like I always say, first impressions count...if they are going to act all flaky, and not have the courtesy to confirm plans, then block/delete, stop wasting your time. Since you are getting lots of attention, then that means you have more opportunities....you don't need those guys. 1
peach302 Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 Even attractive women who have a lot going for them will have problems with certain types of men. 1 1
Author Lifegoeson12 Posted May 4, 2021 Author Posted May 4, 2021 18 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Like I always say, first impressions count...if they are going to act all flaky, and not have the courtesy to confirm plans, then block/delete, stop wasting your time. Since you are getting lots of attention, then that means you have more opportunities....you don't need those guys. I agree, they do. And to be honest I thought they seemed nice lol I’ve probably saved myself a lot of trouble. Can I ask though. What does cause someone to be like that, they’ll text you everyday but won’t confirm plans? For me if I’m not interested I won’t make plans or plan to make plans.
peach302 Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 14 minutes ago, Lifegoeson12 said: I agree, they do. And to be honest I thought they seemed nice lol I’ve probably saved myself a lot of trouble. Can I ask though. What does cause someone to be like that, they’ll text you everyday but won’t confirm plans? For me if I’m not interested I won’t make plans or plan to make plans. Games, enjoy validation...other women...emotionally stunted. All sorts of reasons. 2
introverted1 Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 1 hour ago, peach302 said: Games, enjoy validation...other women...emotionally stunted. All sorts of reasons. Adding boredom to this list. Not worth analysing, really. Interested people act interested. They make plans. They propel the relationship forward. 4
smackie9 Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 1 hour ago, Lifegoeson12 said: I agree, they do. And to be honest I thought they seemed nice lol I’ve probably saved myself a lot of trouble. Can I ask though. What does cause someone to be like that, they’ll text you everyday but won’t confirm plans? For me if I’m not interested I won’t make plans or plan to make plans. Because they are weighing their options. IMO if they are dragging their heels you are being put on the back burner just in case something doesn't pan out. 2
dramafreezone Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, Lifegoeson12 said: So here's my problem and please bear with me. So to cut a long story short, I have recently gone under some serious changes, I have excelled in my career, I got into the best shape of my life and I am finally feeling content with my life. I have really gained a lot of confidence. For instance, I used to never think I was pretty. That probably has something to do with never being called it by any of my previous boyfriends. Where now I look in the mirror and I am happy with what I see. I get message after message on my instagram, from friends, followers and even guys complimenting me on my transformation. I went from being too skinny to building those curves and muscles in the right place. There are guys who I have followed for years on instagram and who have followed me who never said anything are now messaging me asking me out. I now notice when out and about I get a lot more looks than I did. I have this running joke with my friends. I either look really good or really bad as people are staring. Is watching someone transform and grow attractive? The thing is even with more attention I'm having worse dating problems. Before when I hated my appearance, guys would ask me out and we would confirm plans and meet where now I talk to more guys but it never follows through. For instance I was talking to this guy we had discussed meeting before but we both got pretty busy. So I texted him Thursday to see if he wanted to meet Friday. He didnt reply till Fri evening at this point I had already made other plans but he didn't even mention that I had asked to meet him, Then on Sunday I had made pre-plans to meet another guy for a walk to the beach, again Sunday came and I didn't hear a thing from him until Sunday evening and again he didn't even mention the fact we had planned to meet. I wasn't sitting around waiting for them, Friday I was meant to meet the guy for dinner and drinks so I went with friends instead, the same with Sunday I went to the beach with my friends. I would like to meet them but I am starting to lose interest. My best friend seems to think that maybe they are intimidated by the fact that I am not at their beck and call and that they see I don't wait around for them to confirm plans. Then I was talking to another guy who wouldn't meet me because I got into great shape and he put on weight over lockdown. Stupid I know, I couldn't care less if he did or not but he said he wont meet me till he get back into shape. What is going on!!! I go hiking a lot and run and hang out with friends a lot more than I did before but I of course would make time for a guy if he wanted a date etc so I can't figure out where I am going wrong, Am I being too busy? It depends on what you want. If you ask to meet someone you have to make the date IMO. This is what guys have to do if they ask a woman out, they have to make the plans. If this is 2021 and gender roles aren't as important, then take charge. You can't ask the guy out and then expect him to take charge. Otherwise, just wait for guys to ask you out and then they'll set the plans. Edited May 4, 2021 by dramafreezone
SumGuy Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 3 hours ago, Lifegoeson12 said: .... do you think it’s worth asking them one more time if they’d like to do something as see what they say or is the lack of setting plans a sign? No, the lack of plans is a sign of lack of executive function and/or (most likely) an inflated attitude of themselves. The bar they failed to clear was pretty low, unless you think they are super-shy and this is more an executive function issues and all other signs point to them being good, AND you really like them. Better in my mind to spend energy on people who also want to spend energy on you. 1
dramafreezone Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 (edited) 6 minutes ago, SumGuy said: No, the lack of plans is a sign of lack of executive function and/or (most likely) an inflated attitude of themselves. The bar they failed to clear was pretty low, unless you think they are super-shy and this is more an executive function issues and all other signs point to them being good, AND you really like them. Better in my mind to spend energy on people who also want to spend energy on you. It's not necessarily a lack of "executive function" or that they have an inflated view of themselves. She's more interested in them than they are in her. It happens and doesn't necessarily imply a negative quality on their part. They're not obliged to take point just because she's interested in going out with them. In that instance it's up to her to make it happen. Edited May 4, 2021 by dramafreezone 1
SumGuy Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 (edited) 6 minutes ago, dramafreezone said: It's not necessarily a lack of "executive function" or that they have an inflated view of themselves. She's more interested in them than they are in her. They're not obliged to take point just because she's interested in going out with them. In that instance it's up to her to make it happen. Agree no one is obligated to take point, but IIRC they first reached out to her first...but expect her to "chase" them, I call that most likely lack of executive function and/or inflate view of themselves. Not that I believe there are any gender based roles in this regard, it's just if you reach out to someone to ask them out then fail to follow through...next in my book...an invitation to "chase" them is a dime a dozen. Edited May 4, 2021 by SumGuy 1
dramafreezone Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 (edited) 7 minutes ago, SumGuy said: Agree no one is obligated to take point, but IIRC they first reached out to her first...but expect her to "chase" them, I call that most likely lack of executive function and/or inflate view of themselves. Not that I believe there are any gender based roles in this regard, it's just if you reach out to someone to ask them out then fail to follow through...next in my book...an invitation to "chase" them is a dime a dozen. Well, this is what she said: Quote For instance I was talking to this guy we had discussed meeting before but we both got pretty busy. So I texted him Thursday to see if he wanted to meet Friday. He didnt reply till Fri evening at this point I had already made other plans but he didn't even mention that I had asked to meet him, Then on Sunday I had made pre-plans to meet another guy for a walk to the beach, again Sunday came and I didn't hear a thing from him until Sunday evening and again he didn't even mention the fact we had planned to meet. With the first guy it's unclear who suggested the plans (though it sounds like she did due to her texting on Thursday), but with the second guy she says that she made "pre-plans" so doesn't sound like it was definite. It was on her to nail down definite plans well in advance. Whoever asks or suggests plans has the responsibility of taking care of the details. If she doesn't want to do that she should just wait for guys to ask her out and make definite plans. Typically the ones setting/suggesting the dates are the ones that feel the need to confirm. Edited May 4, 2021 by dramafreezone 1
Author Lifegoeson12 Posted May 4, 2021 Author Posted May 4, 2021 So just so you guys know, they both have asked me out previously but the dates they suggested was a when I was away with work so I couldn’t make it. So I couldn’t do the weekend before last so I said that to them. I could do this weekend instead that’s why I asked. Also as for the second guy, he actually suggested I join him for a walk on the beach on Sunday in advance and then I texted him to see if was still up for it.
introverted1 Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 (edited) So guy #1 was just rude. She asked him out on Thursday and he replied Friday without even acknowledging her question. Guy #2 is less clear cut as we don't know who initiated the pre-plans. But he nonetheless reached out the evening of the day they had those pre-plans for and didn't mention anything about the plans. So he's mostly disinterested, with a bit of rude thrown in. I'd next them both. Just saw OP's update about guy #2. So he dropped the ball and then carried on as if nothing had been planned. Poor form. Edited May 4, 2021 by introverted1
Arrangrl62 Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 Hi there I don’t think it’s you , I think it’s these guys who have no common courtesy or know how to treat a woman with respect . Keep being yourself - the man you deserve will come along. X 1
MayaMay Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 I've been there and honestly those are the type of guys you should not waste your time on. Someone who is genuinely interested will act accordingly. It wasn't even a matter of miscommunication since he made plans and then acted as if he hadn't.
dramafreezone Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 20 minutes ago, Lifegoeson12 said: So just so you guys know, they both have asked me out previously but the dates they suggested was a when I was away with work so I couldn’t make it. So I couldn’t do the weekend before last so I said that to them. I could do this weekend instead that’s why I asked. Also as for the second guy, he actually suggested I join him for a walk on the beach on Sunday in advance and then I texted him to see if was still up for it. So what did you say when the second guy asked you to go on a walk? Did you say yes definitely at that time, or that you'd have to get back to him?
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