Damienvindicated6 Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 (edited) I broke up with my gf of 2.5 years due to her anxious attachment style and insecurities. It was just too draining daily and while my love was growing to a secure one hers was always taking two steps back and being insecure. Back story, I’m 40 she is 41. Three statements said to me within the final 24 hrs were 1. What do you think of when we have sex? (She would always say that other people think of other people during sex). She’s asked me this 10 times over the years and my to answer has been the same every time of only being in the moment and thinking about her. 2. Are you “in love” or just “love”? This has also been asked to me more than 10 times with my answer being the same of “in love”. 3. What did you mean in that Valentine’s Day love letter when you wrote I love you More and more everyday when you do less and less? I don’t think anyone should have to keep consistently justifying their love or proving or convincing someone with these repeated questions and accusations. I know my self worth and deserve better. It seems like the mentality of a teenager. Does anyone think I did the right thing in stepping away? Edited May 3, 2021 by Damienvindicated6 Typo
spiderowl Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 I think this has to be your decision as to whether you did right. You are the one who knows whether you'd rather be with someone else instead. You know how you feel about her. You know whether you will miss her or not. Insecurity can get too much and one can feel pressured by it. If she did not think she had a problem and kept asking you the same questions, then I can understand why you got fed up with it. You know in your heart whether this relationship was right for you. 1
Wiseman2 Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 1 hour ago, Damienvindicated6 said: I broke up with my gf of 2.5 years due to her anxious attachment style and insecurities. It was just too draining 1. What do you think of when we have sex? 2. Are you “in love” or just “love”? 3. What did you mean in that Valentine’s Day love letter when you wrote I love you More and more everyday when you do less and less? She seems high maintenance as far as reassurances go.
d0nnivain Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 2 hours ago, Damienvindicated6 said: Does anyone think I did the right thing in stepping away? Yes, you did the right thing. Your needs weren't being met. She was draining you. A good relationship energizes you. Why are you doubting yourself?
Author Damienvindicated6 Posted May 3, 2021 Author Posted May 3, 2021 2 hours ago, d0nnivain said: Yes, you did the right thing. Your needs weren't being met. She was draining you. A good relationship energizes you. Why are you doubting yourself? So draining. I think it’s some sort of Stockholm Syndrome. I know she has an anxious attachment style. The pain is still fresh and sometimes getting worse after two months and I don’t know why I’m reaching out for external validation. I know I love her, deeply. I just know I deserve better than that and to be trusted and respected better. Maybe it’s because I know the pain I’m feeling what put into place by me as I ended things. So I feel like I’m the cause of my own current pain.
Lotsgoingon Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 Dude, you need to repair some things. You do NOT want to hang with an insecure person between 2.5 months or weeks, let alone 2.5 years. Figure out why you couldn't trust yourself to act in your own reasonable interest. You cannot love an insecure person out of their insecurity, you can not reassure an insecure person out of their insecurity. You have to say no. Seriously, what took you so long? I say this because staying with insecure people was a specialty of mine, and I had to learn (and it was hard) to avoid insecure people in the first place. 1
Author Damienvindicated6 Posted May 4, 2021 Author Posted May 4, 2021 1 minute ago, Lotsgoingon said: Dude, you need to repair some things. You do NOT want to hang with an insecure person between 2.5 months or weeks, let alone 2.5 years. Figure out why you couldn't trust yourself to act in your own reasonable interest. You cannot love an insecure person out of their insecurity, you can not reassure an insecure person out of their insecurity. You have to say no. Seriously, what took you so long? I say this because staying with insecure people was a specialty of mine, and I had to learn (and it was hard) to avoid insecure people in the first place. Thank you for your time and words. I still need kicks in the butt so to speak to just be happy and move on. So thank you. Why I’ve held on is we’ve both been through divorces (two for her and one for me) and we introduced our kids to each other and just felt we should stick out and fight to work on things and not just walk away. What to turned in to was her picking fights with me while I was normal and happy and then couples counseling was basically to fix her issues I see it now as all the issues stemmed from her insecurities and projections onto me. She said one month into the relationship that it would be her insecurities that end this relationship and so it was true. Don’t know why I just didn’t hear that and run 1
basil67 Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 7 hours ago, Damienvindicated6 said: 3. What did you mean in that Valentine’s Day love letter when you wrote I love you More and more everyday when you do less and less? It's totally understandable to move on from someone who's overly anxious - there's a limit as to how much we can support them. However, her question about the above quote is entirely fair. Unless something has been lost in translation, it sounds like you were having a dig at her for being lazy on a Valentines card.
Author Damienvindicated6 Posted May 4, 2021 Author Posted May 4, 2021 7 hours ago, basil67 said: It's totally understandable to move on from someone who's overly anxious - there's a limit as to how much we can support them. However, her question about the above quote is entirely fair. Unless something has been lost in translation, it sounds like you were having a dig at her for being lazy on a Valentines card. Definitely lost in translation. That’s something that I wrote in her Valentine’s Day card and instead of just trusting my love yet again it’s met with a question. There was no less and less that I do. It’s her anxious attachment that perceives such things and thus continuously questioning my love instead of just accepting it. Totally invalidates my love and all that I do to question my love again and again.
d0nnivain Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 You wanted a relationship, somebody to share your life with. She probably had a lot of good qualities & part of you was happy at times. That has been taken away, destroyed by her insecurity. You get to be sad about that loss. What you can't do is go back expecting that she will change. You have to move forward.
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