Broke up with him for cheating, sexing, and escorts. but I can't stop thinking about him?

[Bellabeauty]

I wrote a previous topic about the same guy. In total we dated only 8 months on and off. I caught him sexting other women, sending/receiving nudes, masturbation videos, and live cam sex through Snapchat and Only Fans. We had broken up for about a week before I forgave him and took him back. What really hurt me is that he was incredibly suspicious and controlling of MY actions and who I was texting, that I never would've thought he was doing all those things he had been accusing me of the entire time. He was basically self projecting. 

We tried dating, AGAIN, and he even offered to do couples counseling this time, which we did try. But, it was too late. He was not taking any responsibility for his actions, he was in denial, and I was on high alert, hating him and hating myself.  I was extremely distrustful of everything he did and said, I was becoming bitter and resentful, and I was constantly checking his phone, his history, and his emails (with his permission of course), and I even started an Only Fans account trying to see how it works in case I caught him on it again. The trust was broken so early in the relationship, that I was just waiting for him to mess up again. And the more I got to know him, the more he scared me. 

Over time, I started to piece things together and realize that he had a really bad porn addiction. He had been struggling with impotence for a while and it wasn't until he STOPPED sexting women and using Only Fans that I notice our sex life completely changed and it was actually satisfying. i put two and two together and realized that he had been watching so much porn and sexting that it had been affecting our sex the entire time and I had no idea.

But then...  I started to wake up to him "taking care of himself" while watching porn right next to me while I slept! I do not live with him, so I would be staying the night there and wake up to that. I had confronted him twice when it happened but he didn't see it as a big deal. I told him the fact that he couldn't wait until I woke up so we could have morning sex (which I'm always down for) and would rather watch porn right next to my sleeping head was WEIRD and inappropriate! He could do that on any other day when I am NOT THERE, but it was incredibly rude to do that when I'm sleeping over!

Within a week, I checked his history and realized he was watching porn all day, everyday. Even at work when he's surrounded by male co-workers. He also admitted that regular porn doesn't do anything for him, so if he can't sext or use cam girls, then he needed to watch really hardcore, fetish videos like "painal" and public masturbation stuff, where guys basically flash women or ask women at the park to "help them out." 

The last thing I found was that when I went into his emails, I discovered he had been uploading videos of himself for women to look at, claiming he had a lot of money (he doesn't) and would offer cash for meetups. He was looking for prostitutes.  I confronted him about this, he claimed they were old videos from years ago, and "didn't realize they were still up." There were no time stamps or dates on the videos so I couldn't prove anything, I just had to wait....

The very last thing I found was I found out he was back on Only Fans again with active and new subscriptions, messages between him and the women, and asking this girl from Only Fans, if she did threesomes. This showed recent dates and times, so I had my final clue. When I confronted him, he lied and manipulated me, trying to say he didn't know his page was still up, trying to say it was "old messages," trying to say it was "a funny joke," and then when he realized I wasn't buying it, he turned around and blamed me for it, saying I was becoming so "controlling" he couldn't live that way.

Which is bull, because he had been engaged in this for years, far before I came into the picture.

We broke up but weeks later,  he begged for me back and asked for couples counseling. We tried counseling but I couldn't do it. I didn't trust him, i was really disgusted by him and ANGRY with him, and I also felt he wasn't taking responsibility for anything, and was in denial that he had a problem. He constantly told me that all guys do this but they hide it better than him. 

I also noticed he talked about women in a really disgusting, demeaning manner. I noticed this for a while but it became so much worse the last time I took him back. Like he was so comfortable around me, he felt he could talk however he wanted. His mind was so intoxicated by porn that he felt it was okay to talk about women the same way guys do inside the porn videos. I've never, ever, met a guy who talked about women the way that he did. Like we were objects, separated by our body parts.

After a few counseling sessions, I discovered he had been blocked and reported by women on dating apps and social media for sending unsolicited D-pics and videos to them, so I finally just left him. 

I haven't spoken to him in about 2-3 weeks but I stupidly miss him and I hate myself for it. I know I will never, ever take him back because he scares me and sickens me. 

Logically, I know I made the right choice. He was a cheater, a porn addict, an exhibitionist, and a peeping Tom (story for another time). But, emotionally my heart is breaking. And, him constantly telling me things like, "All guys do this," makes really afraid to date again. 

I'm mainly looking for a pep talk and reassurance here that not all guys look for prostitutes and cam girls while in a relationship and that I made the right choice. This is the first relationship where I ever dealt with anything like this so I feel like I don't trust anybody anymore. 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Bellabeauty said:

In total we dated only 8 months on and off.

Sorry this is happening. So many red flags. Consider individual counseling to understand why someone like this (8 mos. on/off) even interests you.

[ShyViolet]

Of course you made the right decision.  Just be grateful that you only wasted 8 months with this creep and not longer.  

Don't hate yourself for still having conflicted feelings about it.  Some part of you did have feelings for him, despite all this dysfunctional stuff, and those feelings can't just be turned off like a light switch.  Despite all the negative stuff that's happened, those feelings are still there and they will take time to go away.  Give yourself a break and allow yourself to process those feelings.

All guys are NOT like this.  I've dated a good number of guys in my time and I've never dated a guy like this.

[Miss Peach]

At 8 months I know it's hard but I would just end it. This is a lot and if he can't cut this off then you are never going to be able to trust him which is a horrible place to be in.

 

I had an ex who would see strippers behind my back in and out of the club. I found out about 6 months in the full extent of it. I stayed but wished I hadn't. In my case he did stop seeing them but still ran into some issues with him in other ways. While I don't think my ex cheated he would poke the wound and it was really hard to be in a relationship where I couldn't trust him. I wouldn't do it again. It was harder later when I walked away more invested.

[spiderowl]

You did the right thing by breaking up.  This guy is going to end up with a criminal record if he hasn't got one already.  He has a real problem with controlling his sexual behaviour.  He could be dangerous.

You miss him because you are used to him being there.  Take your time and go through this change in your life but don't go back to him.  Not all guys do this; he is just trying to justify his behaviour.  It is far from the truth.

I know you are feeling sad and that you tried and tried to make this work but this guy has serious problems.  They are not minor deviations from the norm at all, whatever he says.  You need someone you can trust who isn't constantly fixated on his secret sex life.

I am sure you will find a decent guy but please do not accept any of this kind of behaviour in the future.  While most guys (and women) look at porn, I am sure most know the difference between that and a normal relationship and most would not take it as far as your ex did.  What would have happened if you had stayed with him?  What if you'd had children?  How could you trust him with them?  The guy is a deviant.  I bet if you can see his criminal record, it has more on it than he has told you.

Good luck with finding a decent guy and please stick with your decision to leave him.  You will not regret it in the future.

[d0nnivain]

4 hours ago, Bellabeauty said:

I stupidly miss him and I hate myself for it. I know I will never, ever take him back because he scares me and sickens me. 

You don't miss HIM.  You miss having somebody. 

He is not better than being alone.  Remember that.  

When you find yourself thinking about him, do a mental rundown of all his flaws & all the vile things he did, why he's so untrustworthy.  Take a breath.  Remind yourself that a good decent man is out there for you but to get to him you have to jettison this guy.  Once you give yourself better self talk it will be easier to move forward.  

[Bellabeauty]

Thank you! Part of me wanted to email him and ask to start talking again. Instead, I decided to come to this forum and vent so that I wouldn't do that. When I broke up with him this time, I actually blocked his number and blocked him off social media and just sent him a long email.

Full disclosure, I was pregnant a few months back. First pregnancy ever that we did not plan but we both wanted. it actually brought us a lot closer and I was surprised about how happy he was. He'd never had a real, long-term relationship and wanted marriage and kids so I think he saw that as his ticket to the life he wanted. Unfortunately, the stress of the relationship, the inconsistency, instability, and the medication that I was on, caused a miscarriage.

I was obviously way more affected by it than he was. 2 weeks after my miscarriage, that's when I had discovered the sexting and porn addiction, and escort stuff for the very first time. The bonding over the pregnancy and miscarriage is why I was so quick to forgive him. But, it's caused me a lot of pain overall. 

I was becoming the Porn Police, watching his every move, and always terrified he would fall back hard into his cam girl addiction, or maybe even bring an escort over, that I was becoming this incredibly controlling, resentful, bitter shell of myself. I'd never, ever been like that in any relationship before either. 

Right now, I am talking to other guys at the moment on dating apps but I'm not that interested. Some are way more handsome, built, and successful, and I don't really care. I'm just waiting for the pain to end so that I can finally move on.

Any tips to get through this, so that I don't allow him back into my life will be appreciated! 

[ExpatInItaly]

You most definitely made the right decision, OP.

When you need couple's counselling at just 8 months in, you're wasting your time. Especially for the incredibly egregious offences here. He's awful and does not respect you whatsoever. All that baby bonding would have vanished as soon as he felt horny again. Believe me when I say that starting a family together would not have a put a stop to his disgusting behaviour. 

Take care of yourself now and work on your self-esteem so you're not drawn back to dumpster fires again. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Bellabeauty said:

. First pregnancy ever that we did not plan but we both wanted. 

That's terrifying. Make sure you follow up with all the STD testing since you had unprotected sex with someone who's on/off, and whose sexual activity was often outside of the relationship.

Also make sure you are taking care of yourself and your physical and mental health.

Unplanned pregnancies in an 8mos on/off relationship do not "bond" people. It brings an inordinate amount of stress.

 

 

[d0nnivain]

Please accept my condolences on the death of your unborn child.  

That loss notwithstanding it was for the best.  You & him would not have made good parents together & the child would have suffered for it.  Part of your longing to reconcile with him is mixed up with the grief you feel for your child.  You think he's the only one who understands your grief.  That is not true.  Every mother who has ever miscarried understands your pain so much more than he ever could. 

 

6 hours ago, Bellabeauty said:

Any tips to get through this, so that I don't allow him back into my life will be appreciated! 

 

Make a written list of all his faults. . . the cheating, the porn, etc.  Write it all down. When you feel weak, read it. Then ask yourself if being with him is healthy? Ask yourself if you would advise a friend to take back a guy like that.  

Post here instead of calling.  Go for a walk.  Phone a friend.  Clean your house. Do anything other than reach out to him.  

[BaileyB]

You can miss him and still not be with hi because that is the best decision for you. 

The two are not mutually exclusive.

With time, you will miss him less - particularly when you find someone else to date. Best wishes. 

Edited May 4, 2021 by BaileyB