Catfish

[Weezy1973]

13 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

The bold is one of my fundamental failures as a person, I simply cannot ever ascertain that. 

Not according to your own posts. It’s more that the women you know are attracted to you, you’re not interested in. Nothing to do with not knowing if someone is interested.

[ZA Dater]

11 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Not according to your own posts. It’s more that the women you know are attracted to you, you’re not interested in. Nothing to do with not knowing if someone is interested.

All of those match with me on OLD so no guessing required there....it's cold approaches like this which are very problematic.

[basil67]

@ZA Dater I got what you're saying.  Reading others can be so difficult

[ZA Dater]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

@ZA Dater I got what you're saying.  Reading others can be so difficult

So it's much easier to just leave it than play like a 2% chance of success.

[Weezy1973]

5 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

So it's much easier to just leave it than play like a 2% chance of success.

Or realize that for every 50 cold approaches you’ll get a “yes”. That only works if you don’t care about rejection though…

[ZA Dater]

3 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Or realize that for every 50 cold approaches you’ll get a “yes”. That only works if you don’t care about rejection though…

Hardly seems worth it with those odds.

[Weezy1973]

1 minute ago, ZA Dater said:

Hardly seems worth it with those odds.

What do you have to lose?

[ZA Dater]

20 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

What do you have to lose?

Nothing really to gain either besides yet another rejection. Unless somehow I can detect any sort of interest this is probably best left alone. Anyway I think most people have better things to do than go on an interview date with me! 

Besides I quite like this small coffee shop and being rejected would mean I'd certainly not be able to got here again, seeing there are actually only two people who work there!

[Weezy1973]

6 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Nothing really to gain either besides yet another rejection. Unless somehow I can detect any sort of interest this is probably best left alone. Anyway I think most people have better things to do than go on an interview date with me! 

Besides I quite like this small coffee shop and being rejected would mean I'd certainly not be able to got here again, seeing there are actually only two people who work there!

Same old same old…never take a risk, never get a date, never have sex, never find love, just keep doing the same thing over and over…

[ZA Dater]

2 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Same old same old…never take a risk, never get a date, never have sex, never find love, just keep doing the same thing over and over…

Happy to take a risk where there is actually some chance of success. You and others have very clearly pointed out the very remote chance of success. 

[Miss Spider]

So what’s new 

this thread can’t die now 

Edited August 20, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[Weezy1973]

On 8/20/2021 at 12:12 PM, ZA Dater said:

Happy to take a risk where there is actually some chance of success. You and others have very clearly pointed out the very remote chance of success. 

Remote is not none. Dating, love, relationships etc. always involves risk. I sense you’re waiting for a sure thing. That’s not going to happen.

[Alfano]

On 8/20/2021 at 3:12 PM, ZA Dater said:

Happy to take a risk where there is actually some chance of success. You and others have very clearly pointed out the very remote chance of success. 

There's always a chance of success and there's always a chance of failure. Who gives a rat's ass what the odds are, don't even go there.

You are too self contained by fear of rejection.

 

[ZA Dater]

18 hours ago, Alfano said:

There's always a chance of success and there's always a chance of failure. Who gives a rat's ass what the odds are, don't even go there.

You are too self contained by fear of rejection.

 

You would be if all you ever get is rejection!

Nevertheless the chats are becoming more informal and she asked me if I wanted a coffee yesterday (I never order that) and I was tempted to say "no but how about I buy you coffee sometime" but I wrote that off as being a terrible idea.

Inherently the odds are not stacked in my favor here simply because its impossible to tell interest from simply being friendly. This is really the reason I shut off actually trying to date and resorted to some sort of friendzone compromise because its easier for me sort of tell if someone is being friendly.

 

[Alfano]

On 8/24/2021 at 9:44 AM, ZA Dater said:

 I was tempted to say "no but how about I buy you coffee sometime" but I wrote that off as being a terrible idea.

 

 

Yeah saying "how about I buy  you coffee sometime" in response to her asking if you wanted coffee is a bit lame.

Better off saying "How about I take you out to dinner, does next Friday work for you?"

One of two things will happen. You'll get a "yes" which is admittedly unlikely given your track record.

You'll get a "No" probably accompanied by an excuse to soften the blow.

Life will continue to go on either way.

 

 

[ZA Dater]

12 minutes ago, Alfano said:

Yeah saying "how about I buy  you coffee sometime" in response to her asking if you wanted coffee is a bit lame.

Better off saying "How about I take you out to dinner, does next Friday work for you?"

One of two things will happen. You'll get a "yes" which is admittedly unlikely given your track record.

You'll get a "No" probably accompanied by an excuse to soften the blow.

Life will continue to go on either way.

 

 

The above just proves again as highlighted in another recent post my whole thinking is fundamentally off. People tell me do not ask people out on dinners but clearly one might as well flip a coin because there is no real assurance of success. 

I guess being lonely just eats at me more some days than others. Debated this on and off most days and I guess on some level I just feel better working at an idea I like versus having to accept a reality I do not.

 

[Alfano]

5 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

 People tell me do not ask people out on dinners

If it's a first date with a person you haven't already met face to face, such as the typical online dating scenario then yes, dinner should NEVER be a first date option- at least not planned. The idea is to make it brief and if things are good, schedule a dinner date or even extend that first meeting into dinner.

In this case you've already met, several times, a dinner would be the next natural step.

 

[basil67]

On 8/24/2021 at 11:44 PM, ZA Dater said:

Nevertheless the chats are becoming more informal and she asked me if I wanted a coffee yesterday (I never order that) and I was tempted to say "no but how about I buy you coffee sometime" but I wrote that off as being a terrible idea.

Hang on, did she not know/forget your regular order?  Or was she asking you out?   

Edited August 25, 2021 by basil67

[ZA Dater]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

Hang on, did she not know/forget your regular order?  Or was she asking you out?   

I have no idea. This is why I am very ill suited to this. Basically I have been going there most days for the past few weeks, never ordered coffee.

[basil67]

58 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I have no idea. This is why I am very ill suited to this. Basically I have been going there most days for the past few weeks, never ordered coffee.

If you were about to order and she pre-empted, then she forgot/confused your order.   If you had already ordered your drink and she suggested coffee, it would have been an invitation.

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

If you were about to order and she pre-empted, then she forgot/confused your order.   If you had already ordered your drink and she suggested coffee, it would have been an invitation.

The former not the latter. I guess what has struck me is the difference in the interactions with me versus other customers, she is inherently quite shy I think but I have had a few conversations primarily because I make an effort to engage. 

Even though there is nothing inherently "fun" about the way I engage, sure I try some banter but it always comes off as very over thought out rather than very spontaneous. I think the reality is I am just very bad at reading people in this context. 

[elaine567]

On 8/24/2021 at 2:44 PM, ZA Dater said:

she asked me if I wanted a coffee yesterday (I never order that)

If you are in there a lot and you NEVER drink coffee do you think she was perhaps making a bit of a joke with you?
OR she never noticed, forgot or is not interested in what you usually  order OR she was on automatic pilot...
I would guess the vast majority of people visiting coffee shops want coffee, so not a bad guess on her part....

Edited August 26, 2021 by elaine567

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

If you are in there a lot and you NEVER drink coffee do you think she was perhaps making a bit of a joke with you?
OR she never noticed/forgot/not interested what you usually  order OR she was on automatic pilot...
I would guess the vast majority of people visiting coffee shops want coffee, so not a bad guess on her part....

I buy food at coffee shops   Who knows maybe the joke was on me, I was probably too stupid to notice if it was. This probably more a case of me liking what it once again nearly impossible to actually get anywhere with versus the people on dating sites who do seem to like me, the latest being a 44yo lady with two kids, 8 and 11. 

So yes the petite blond working at the coffee shop is a far more appealing prospect on many levels.

[Foxhall]

On 8/24/2021 at 2:44 PM, ZA Dater said:

Nevertheless the chats are becoming more informal and she asked me if I wanted a coffee yesterday (I never order that) and I was tempted to say "no but how about I buy you coffee sometime" but I wrote that off as being a terrible idea.

 you are overthinking and analysing everything,

why would you not say that- It is instinctive and it is better sometimes to operate on instinct- especially with dating,

Clearly you are highly sensitive and worry too much- what does it matter if you look foolish or get rejected once more- who cares really

that sensitivity could be appealing to some women though all the same ( this guy is caring and could make good father etc)

Your huge problem it seems is progressing from talking to a woman to having any form of spark or romantic interest emerging,

I think if you let go in the sense of sharing your hopes and dreams- sharing what makes you tick- who you are as such,

women love all that type of thing- at the moment you are too sensitive to being judged and it is holding you back,

Its not easy-  coffee first dates can be edgy and it can be difficult to relax,  I would suggest beach/nature walks or something as part of the date and try to get a more relaxed vibe,

if you are doing well- you may be lucky in the sense of the woman will initiate some romantic spark-

sharing your soul and hope the woman falls for you.

I liked that thought you had on a previous thread of approaching women cold in coffee shops and hitting on them, (liberating you)

though it is better to build up some type of rapport first, well as you are doing in the situation here

be brave buddy ask her out soon. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

…the people on dating sites who do seem to like me, the latest being a 44yo lady with two kids, 8 and 11. 

So yes the petite blond working at the coffee shop is a far more appealing prospect on many levels.

The people that are interested in you, you’re not attracted to, and the women you’re attracted to, you refuse to ask out on a date. So yes, keep doing what you’ve always done and you’ll continue to enjoy the same success (I.e. none).