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ZA Dater

By ZA Dater
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ZA Dater Established Member

ZA Dater

Posted
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Posted
1 minute ago, BaileyB said:

Well then, don’t date. Live your life as a single man. Lots of people do it. 

 

I am just astonished people actually find that sort of dating appealing at all. 

Yeah lots of people do it and I think I understand why now.

Weezy1973 Established Member

Weezy1973

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I am just astonished people actually find that sort of dating appealing at all. 

Nobody finds that sort of dating appealing and practically nobody does it. I’ve been attracted to every woman I’ve been in a relationship with. Most of them were not “wows” on a first date. 
 

Why do you think it’s some super common phenomenon that people are in relationships with people they aren’t attracted to? 

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted (edited)

Chiming in super late, and admit I have NOT read the entire thread, but not sure why you're being given such a hard time @ZA Dater 

It's perfectly okay to not want to 'waste time' dating a woman who doesn't float your boat, including having sex; in fact I think it's admirable that you would prefer a substantive meet/date over coffee with a woman you are actually attracted to versus a roll in the hay with any ole woman, because why?, she's available and willing to have sex with you?

I agree with you, my attractions don't develop over time either, I know relatively quickly from the get-go whether there is a mutual energy, chemistry, a vibrational pull, attraction.  And if not, no thanks.  I have been given quite a hard time by some men because of this, but don't care.  I do what works for ME, and that is all that should matter.

From the posts I have read, you are seeking something extraordinary, I can relate, so am I!      And although I dated a lot in my 20s and had two "serious" relationships, I didn't actually find that extraordinary connection until my late 20s and our RL lasted six years.

I could go YEARS without being in a "relationship" if that extraordinary connection wasn't there.  I refuse to date for the hell of it anymore.  In fact, I had resigned myself to being on my own for a long time, even forever, because of all the inane bull crap that goes on in dating/relationships these days.

But then I met a man recently, and I cannot say our connection is "extraordinary" but I am attracted to him on many levels, but it's casual, not serious, and we're having a good time.   It suits me and my life for right now but remaining open to whatever may develop down the road.

Anyway, just my $.02 fwiw.  I don't think you should settle.  And if that means being on your own for the rest of your life, SO BE!!!  Not everyone is cut out to date and experience all the crap that often goes along with it, and that is OK.  

Do not feel shamed by it, and do not allow others to try and shame you for it either.

OWN who you are, feel proud of who you are.  My only advice is stay open to all possibilities.  I don't know how old you are but it's quite possible one of these days when you least expect it, you will meet a woman and feel that extraordinary connection, mutual energy and vibrational pull and you won't know what hit ya!

This idea about leagues will fly right out the window.  Leagues do NOT exist when that mutual energy and vibrational pull is there, but you must remain open to it.  

Don't go looking for it, just live your life, be the best you can be, and let it happen.  

Again just my $.02.

 

 

Edited by poppyfields
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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

Posted
Posted
3 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Chiming in super late, and admit I have NOT read the entire thread, but not sure why you're being given such a hard time @ZA Dater 

Poppy, I suggest you go back and read not just this thread, but every other thread that ZAdater has written. 

Just be sure you have a few hours and a glass of wine… ;)

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poppyfields Established Member

poppyfields

Posted
Posted
3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Poppy, I suggest you go back and read not just this thread, but every other thread that ZAdater has written. 

Just be sure you have a few hours and a glass of wine… ;)

I know I typically do, but this thread is just too long so only had time to read the last 4-5 pages.  But yeah perhaps I should have.

In any event, hopefully my post won't be for naught and he takes away something from it.

All the best @ZA Dater, peace and be happy!  💛

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Weezy1973 Established Member

Weezy1973

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, poppyfields said:

I know I typically do, but this thread is just too long so only had time to read the last 4-5 pages.  But yeah perhaps I should have.

In any event, hopefully my post won't be for naught and he takes away something from it.

All the best @ZA Dater, peace and be happy!  💛

And the same threads saying the same things since 2015. And perhaps a bottle of wine…

Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

Posted
Posted (edited)
3 hours ago, poppyfields said:

I know I typically do, but this thread is just too long so only had time to read the last 4-5 pages.  But yeah perhaps I should have.

In any event, hopefully my post won't be for naught and he takes away something from it.

All the best @ZA Dater, peace and be happy!  💛

All you really have to do is read one post because it’s pretty much repetition of the same thing over and over again/people giving the same advice .It’s actually kind of amusing at this point. TLDR: life isn’t fair/I can’t get a gf I don’t want to put any effort into changing that 
 

 

Edited by Cookiesandough
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basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted
13 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Someone I do not find physically attractive, I can sit with them ......

My comment wasn't about you or your dating.  It was about your behaviour where you told Weezy (and by extension the rest of us) "I am glad you want to sleep with people you do not find attractive".   Nobody has ever told you that they are with people they find unattractive, so that jibe was just plain rude.

9 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I guess based on the consensus here its more common for people to date people they do not really find physically attractive but over time they convince themselves that the particular person is very attractive by maybe some other measure. Frankly I also believe this method is once again reserved for those who have no options, lets call it the "take whatever you can get method".

Again, incredibly rude.   So many people have shared what works for them in good faith. But you dismiss the experiences of those of us who talk about falling in love with, and being attracted to the whole person as "convincing ourselves" or that we have "no options" or "take whatever you can get".    On the day I met my husband, I didn't have an immediate physical attraction.  But he was fun and interesting and we couldn't stop talking.  By the late afternoon, I couldn't keep my hands off him and come night time, we were tearing each other's clothes off and had sex all night.   But apparently I had to convince myself that he was attractive because I have no other options?  

Given that you are of average looks (as are most of us),  it's more than ironic that you look down your nose at the type of person who could fall for you.  

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chillii Established Member

chillii

Posted
Posted (edited)
8 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Chiming in super late, and admit I have NOT read the entire thread, but not sure why you're being given such a hard time @ZA Dater 

It's perfectly okay to not want to 'waste time' dating a woman who doesn't float your boat, including having sex; in fact I think it's admirable that you would prefer a substantive meet/date over coffee with a woman you are actually attracted to versus a roll in the hay with any ole woman, because why?, she's available and willing to have sex with you?

I agree with you, my attractions don't develop over time either, I know relatively quickly from the get-go whether there is a mutual energy, chemistry, a vibrational pull, attraction.  And if not, no thanks.  I have been given quite a hard time by some men because of this, but don't care.  I do what works for ME, and that is all that should matter.

From the posts I have read, you are seeking something extraordinary, I can relate, so am I!      And although I dated a lot in my 20s and had two "serious" relationships, I didn't actually find that extraordinary connection until my late 20s and our RL lasted six years.

I could go YEARS without being in a "relationship" if that extraordinary connection wasn't there.  I refuse to date for the hell of it anymore.  In fact, I had resigned myself to being on my own for a long time, even forever, because of all the inane bull crap that goes on in dating/relationships these days.

But then I met a man recently, and I cannot say our connection is "extraordinary" but I am attracted to him on many levels, but it's casual, not serious, and we're having a good time.   It suits me and my life for right now but remaining open to whatever may develop down the road.

 

like minded , as is my partner , the sort of person l go for is a 1 in millions or nothing.Buttttt, what people are trying to tell him is be open none the less , he's 38 or something, never had a gf. Your in something like what people are suggesting yourself , right now, exactly , that won't last or lead to more,you know it, but atm it's enough. Which is all people are saying, or he will be forever single. lt's not always black and white, it's not for you . Just that he be open to grey areas as you are right now in the middle of yourself. You didn't go your whole life single not having even slept with a man l'll guarantee that.But ZA has.

l'd never waste my time on someone that wasn't, l've never even dated. Anyone l've ever been with was a given day one and we both knew it. But l've always been able to read this stuff for myself, za can't . He's already found out he actually really enjoyed being around one with a kid and he'd find out many others that are ruled out too, if he wasn't so black and white. lt's nothing to do with excepting things you just don't like.

Make of it what you like, l never go to any trouble explaining much in a forum it's a waste of time, and l bow the last l'll do in one of za's ramblers too, just scan the 30 odd pages of just this one.

 

 

Edited by chillii
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ZA Dater Established Member

ZA Dater

Posted
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Posted
6 hours ago, basil67 said:

My comment wasn't about you or your dating.  It was about your behaviour where you told Weezy (and by extension the rest of us) "I am glad you want to sleep with people you do not find attractive".   Nobody has ever told you that they are with people they find unattractive, so that jibe was just plain rude.

Again, incredibly rude.   So many people have shared what works for them in good faith. But you dismiss the experiences of those of us who talk about falling in love with, and being attracted to the whole person as "convincing ourselves" or that we have "no options" or "take whatever you can get".    On the day I met my husband, I didn't have an immediate physical attraction.  But he was fun and interesting and we couldn't stop talking.  By the late afternoon, I couldn't keep my hands off him and come night time, we were tearing each other's clothes off and had sex all night.   But apparently I had to convince myself that he was attractive because I have no other options?  

Given that you are of average looks (as are most of us),  it's more than ironic that you look down your nose at the type of person who could fall for you.  

Neither comment were intended to be rude but I still find it ridiculous that "oh give them a chance, they might be attractive over time", this is such a one way street its very easy to dismiss, sure I think it may work for some but I am absolutely not interested in giving this benefit of the doubt when it is never ever extended to me which is telling.

Your scenario is entirely different to what is being advocated here, what is being advocated here is I see the same people over and over again, I do not find them attractive but well you know if you see them over and over again you may find them attractive. I have actually tried this with people I DID find attractive and it was completely useless, why because well I became the guy who would do the mundane things their bf was too busy to do, moving flat, well ask M to help because bf is too busy", car wont start, phone M to help, bf is too busy, I have been on the receiving end of this many times. I really did not mind doing any of these things but I was simply left wondering why these ladies dates men who seemingly were never there when they were actually needed.

You are right I am using my ability to choose and I am simply choosing not to be interested in people who simply do not interest me. Its really down the fact I want to do the choosing as apposed to being chosen.

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ZA Dater Established Member

ZA Dater

Posted
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Posted
11 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Chiming in super late, and admit I have NOT read the entire thread, but not sure why you're being given such a hard time @ZA Dater 

It's perfectly okay to not want to 'waste time' dating a woman who doesn't float your boat, including having sex; in fact I think it's admirable that you would prefer a substantive meet/date over coffee with a woman you are actually attracted to versus a roll in the hay with any ole woman, because why?, she's available and willing to have sex with you?

I agree with you, my attractions don't develop over time either, I know relatively quickly from the get-go whether there is a mutual energy, chemistry, a vibrational pull, attraction.  And if not, no thanks.  I have been given quite a hard time by some men because of this, but don't care.  I do what works for ME, and that is all that should matter.

Anyway, just my $.02 fwiw.  I don't think you should settle.  And if that means being on your own for the rest of your life, SO BE!!!  Not everyone is cut out to date and experience all the crap that often goes along with it, and that is OK.  

Do not feel shamed by it, and do not allow others to try and shame you for it either.

I appreciate this, at least I am not the only one who seems to think in a certain way! 

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ZA Dater Established Member

ZA Dater

Posted
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Posted
3 hours ago, chillii said:

He's already found out he actually really enjoyed being around one with a kid and he'd find out many others that are ruled out too, if he wasn't so black and white. lt's nothing to do with excepting things you just don't like.

Yes because I actually liked her overall as a person but then again so do about five dozen other men if not more so there was no way I was ever going to get anywhere there irrespective what I did BUT I liked going up against unlikely odd, there was a certain appeal to actually trying get it right in a situation where I had realistically very little chance at all. She is amazing and anyone who gets to spend time with her is very fortunate indeed. 

Unlike the many other single mothers she did not moan about her lot in life, which actually is considerably worse than any of the other single mothers I have been on dates with, her positivity towards life, her compassion for others, her ability to smile and laugh at things which must have really hurt her, she is the strongest person I know and she made me look at my own life in a very different way. I'd go as far as to say in many ways she simply gave me many of the things I had been looking for. So while I live with the fact I am simply not good enough I do not ignore how good she made me feel.

basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted
4 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Neither comment were intended to be rude but I still find it ridiculous that "oh give them a chance, they might be attractive over time", this is such a one way street its very easy to dismiss, sure I think it may work for some but I am absolutely not interested in giving this benefit of the doubt when it is never ever extended to me which is telling.

Your scenario is entirely different to what is being advocated here, what is being advocated here is I see the same people over and over again, I do not find them attractive but well you know if you see them over and over again you may find them attractive. I have actually tried this with people I DID find attractive and it was completely useless, why because well I became the guy who would do the mundane things their bf was too busy to do, moving flat, well ask M to help because bf is too busy", car wont start, phone M to help, bf is too busy, I have been on the receiving end of this many times. I really did not mind doing any of these things but I was simply left wondering why these ladies dates men who seemingly were never there when they were actually needed.

You are right I am using my ability to choose and I am simply choosing not to be interested in people who simply do not interest me. Its really down the fact I want to do the choosing as apposed to being chosen.

Again, this isn't about what you want.  It's about how you dismiss others.   While I haven't read all of @Weezy1973's  posts, I've never had the understanding that he's not attracted to his partner.  What prompted you to suggest that this was the case?  Also, I've been writing with you for far too long and I haven't seen lots of posters advocating that you "see people over and over again" in the hope that you gain attraction.  What I have seen is the suggestion that you give people a chance because you might find they are like your friend who's bigger than you like but who you'd date anyway because they are great.   

Further, to your complaining that others don't give you a chance....you dismiss those who do give regular looking people a chance as being desperate.  If you truly believe those of us (me included) who do that are desperados, why do you want one of us to give you a chance?  Surely you'd despise them.   Or do you only want beautiful women to give you a chance?

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted
4 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Unlike the many other single mothers she did not moan about her lot in life,

Exactly how many other single mothers have you dated?   

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chillii Established Member

chillii

Posted
Posted
15 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Yes because I actually liked her overall as a person but then again so do about five dozen other men if not more so there was no way I was ever going to get anywhere there irrespective what I did BUT I liked going up against unlikely odd, there was a certain appeal to actually trying get it right in a situation where I had realistically very little chance at all. She is amazing and anyone who gets to spend time with her is very fortunate indeed. 

Unlike the many other single mothers she did not moan about her lot in life, which actually is considerably worse than any of the other single mothers I have been on dates with, her positivity towards life, her compassion for others, her ability to smile and laugh at things which must have really hurt her, she is the strongest person I know and she made me look at my own life in a very different way. I'd go as far as to say in many ways she simply gave me many of the things I had been looking for. So while I live with the fact I am simply not good enough I do not ignore how good she made me feel.

 

Exactly my point.

 

 

chillii Established Member

chillii

Posted
Posted
26 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I appreciate this, at least I am not the only one who seems to think in a certain way! 

l told you this exact thing yrs ago in one of your others to about myself, again you prove peoples point.

Anyway , the unlucky last and good luck to you.

Weezy1973 Established Member

Weezy1973

Posted
Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

Unlike the many other single mothers she did not moan about her lot in life, which actually is considerably worse than any of the other single mothers I have been on dates with, her positivity towards life, her compassion for others, her ability to smile and laugh at things which must have really hurt her, she is the strongest person I know and she made me look at my own life in a very different way. I'd go as far as to say in many ways she simply gave me many of the things I had been looking for. So while I live with the fact I am simply not good enough I do not ignore how good she made me feel.

You found these things out AFTER spending time with her and getting to know her. You know, seeing her over and over again as she was living with you for awhile…

Edited by Weezy1973
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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

You are right I am using my ability to choose and I am simply choosing not to be interested in people who simply do not interest me. Its really down the fact I want to do the choosing as apposed to being chosen.

1. The problem being, where you are in the dating world. gives you no clout, therefore no choice..
The group of women who you want to choose from, are not interested in you for all sorts of differing reasons, and the group of women who may be interested in you are not to your taste.
There is no or very little overlap.
What you want you cannot get.
You have absolutely no control over what woman want, the only control you have is to modify what you want.
As you don't WANT to modify anything, then it all becomes an impossible dream, and it will stay that way... but maybe that is indeed the plan...

2. The other problem being, that even if Miss IG Model 2021, showed interest tomorrow, what could you realistically do with her,  in a romantic sense?
You have shied away and dodged all intimacy with women forever. 
Do you really believe you will be able to turn into Don Juan as soon as Miss IG Model 2021 shows any interest?

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ZA Dater Established Member

ZA Dater

Posted
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Posted
3 hours ago, basil67 said:

Exactly how many other single mothers have you dated?   

More than a handful.

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ZA Dater Established Member

ZA Dater

Posted
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Posted
2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

You found these things out AFTER spending time with her and getting to know her. You know, seeing her over and over again as she was living with you for awhile…

Yeah but I could tell within a very short time that I got along with her quite well. I did not need to spend hours and hours to come to that conclusion.

jspice Established Member

jspice

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, basil67 said:

Or do you only want beautiful women to give you a chance?

Yes. 

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ZA Dater Established Member

ZA Dater

Posted
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Posted
4 hours ago, basil67 said:

Again, this isn't about what you want.  It's about how you dismiss others.   While I haven't read all of @Weezy1973's  posts, I've never had the understanding that he's not attracted to his partner.  What prompted you to suggest that this was the case?  Also, I've been writing with you for far too long and I haven't seen lots of posters advocating that you "see people over and over again" in the hope that you gain attraction.  What I have seen is the suggestion that you give people a chance because you might find they are like your friend who's bigger than you like but who you'd date anyway because they are great.   

Further, to your complaining that others don't give you a chance....you dismiss those who do give regular looking people a chance as being desperate.  If you truly believe those of us (me included) who do that are desperados, why do you want one of us to give you a chance?  Surely you'd despise them.   Or do you only want beautiful women to give you a chance?

Once again within spending 10 minutes with her I knew I liked her and we got along well enough to talk for hours and every time I see her that feeling is the same, this is someone I really enjoy spending time with. I really do not see that as being unrealistic, I have become pretty irritated going out with people and sitting there for an hour two and there is just a feeling of complete nothingness.

The advice given is "go to places where you see the same people over and over again" which is actually difficult and near impossible to do. 

I'd actually like people I like to give me a chance but hey that's never going to realistically happen.

Simply put, mutual attraction would be nice for a change.

bene Established Member

bene

Posted
Posted (edited)

When I think back to my dating days, there were of course some dates where I knew instantly that no way, not going to happen. But in many cases I found the guy to be interesting and attractive enough to see it from there how things turn out. Attractive or not, if you’re on the first date you’re literally strangers at this point. A number of things will start to impact the attraction. Initial attraction can fade after they reveal something unpleasant about themselves or grow when you find that they put you at ease with their presence. 

It is not always black and white that people are either hideously repulsive (in which case you should obviously not proceed) or a picture perfect match the first time you lay your eyes on them. It is common sense to get to know people gradually. Actually there is no other way to get to know people. And course there are dull dates where you know that there’s no point to go further, nobody can guarantee that it won’t happen.

Edited by bene
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ZA Dater Established Member

ZA Dater

Posted
  • Author
Posted
2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

1. The problem being, where you are in the dating world. gives you no clout, therefore no choice..
The group of women who you want to choose from, are not interested in you for all sorts of differing reasons, and the group of women who may be interested in you are not to your taste.
There is no or very little overlap.
What you want you cannot get.
You have absolutely no control over what woman want, the only control you have is to modify what you want.
As you don't WANT to modify anything, then it all becomes an impossible dream, and it will stay that way... but maybe that is indeed the plan...

2. The other problem being, that even if Miss IG Model 2021, showed interest tomorrow, what could you realistically do with her,  in a romantic sense?
You have shied away and dodged all intimacy with women forever. 
Do you really believe you will be able to turn into Don Juan as soon as Miss IG Model 2021 shows any interest?

Quite correct in almost every respect. I am not prepared to modify what I want because I have done this before and the results were no different, in fact it was mostly a total complete waste of time where I dated according to a numbers system, go out with anyone and well logically you should find someone you like, utter nonsense that is, for me at least. My wants are no unreasonable there are people out there I do find attractive, people who do captivate me and people I would date. Am quite ok with chasing an impossible dream.

Why have a shied away from intimacy, its VERY simple the options I have had were not attractive to me. Again I do not think this is unreasonable. 

I can raise my game at dating with some incentive to actually do so but so long as I only attract people I do not find attractive then there is absolutely no reason for me to actually try anything.

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ZA Dater Established Member

ZA Dater

Posted
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Posted
1 minute ago, bene said:

When I think back to my dating days, there were of course some dates where I knew instantly that no way, not going to happen. But in many cases I found the guy to be interesting and attractive enough to see it from there how things turn out. Attractive or not, if you’re on the first date you’re literally strangers at this point. A number of things will start to impact the attraction. Initial attraction can fade after they reveal something unpleasant about themselves or grow when you find that they put you at ease with their presence. 

It is not always black and white that people are either hideously repulsive (in which case you should obviously not proceed) or a picture perfect match the first time you lay your eyes on them. It is common sense to get to know people gradually. Actually there is no other way to get to know people.

I agree, EXCEPT, there are tons of alternatives so its easy to just throw the person away after one date because there are endless other people to match to. I know guys and ladies who have an endless revolving list of people to date and see, one lady I know has 2500 matches on Tinder.  Another guy I know had two different dates on the same day and these people are actually going on dates with people they find attractive, they are not having to "well ok lets go and see".

I wish the system was more as you describe.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!
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