How does OLD even lead to anything substantial?

[BrianK]

8 hours ago, SaraSays said:

Online dating has never been about matching people well. It's a business after all, that depends upon 2 things - repeat visitors and increasing numbers of new joiners.

Its disgusting how they set up their algorithms.  On Bumble I dont even get shown except for 1 hour every week or two, they do this to get you to pay.  I've also been on other apps, you only get so many "likes" per day, so you use them and then you run out, it switches to all the hot chicks but you have to pay to send them likes.  Its pathetic.

 

They all preach "equality" but there is nothing equal about it, just scams.

Edited May 2, 2021 by BrianK

[mortensorchid]

You may as well ask what the meaning of life is because, I don't know what that is either.  Everyone says the same thing "it only takes one".  Then again that's what others said before the internet / OLD existed, so technology doesn't play a role in it.  Does OLD work?  For some people it does, for others it doesn't.  If there was an all purpose answer, I would tell you what that is.  But I don't have it.  

Recently, I have begun to think of OLD as just a way to pass the time.  Others have told me that they can't think of any other way to meet others because nothing else seems to work.  But it doesn't mean that you or others will be successful at it.  But that's life.

[kendahke]

21 hours ago, Cora said:

Can you actually find something substantial online these days?  How???

I haven't had good luck with OLD... just doesn't seem to work for me. I've stopped worrying about it and have treasured my company, especially since COVID has had some couples locked down with one another and they came to the brutal realization that they've bound their lives to the wrong person for the wrong reasons.

My sister met her husband on OLD and have been married for 18 years now. It all depends upon the two people who meet, what they're looking for and if the window to settle down is open when they both pass in front of it at the same time.

[Ami1uwant]

5 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You have to learn to talk to all sorts of people.  Networking is a life long skill that will help you advance in your career too.  You also never know who knows somebody you may be interested in.  I met all sorts of lovely people who introduced me to their sons, brothers, nephews, etc.   Networking can also increase your circle of friends so you have more people to socialize with 

It’s  inefficient. 
 

work network is not getting you relationships.

[Ami1uwant]

4 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

You may as well ask what the meaning of life is because, I don't know what that is either.  Everyone says the same thing "it only takes one".  Then again that's what others said before the internet / OLD existed, so technology doesn't play a role in it.  Does OLD work?  For some people it does, for others it doesn't.  If there was an all purpose answer, I would tell you what that is.  But I don't have it.  

Recently, I have begun to think of OLD as just a way to pass the time.  Others have told me that they can't think of any other way to meet others because nothing else seems to work.  But it doesn't mean that you or others will be successful at it.  But that's life.

 

for me...I have luck with OLD. I look at it as just getting to the starting point in linking two people up.

 

in college I had better luck because socialization is easier at that age of college to mid 20s.  
 

After you go to work, you might meet people at work, but many refuse to date any coworkers. I do t have an issue dating coworkers if it’s a large employer and your work jobs don’t cross paths. 
 

Also...how many true friends do you make through work vs peoplewhohave friendly relationships because they work together but whrn one transfers or changes jobs ( evrn staying locally) you no longer socialize.

 

in Covid dating is effectively dead...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Alpacalia]

I think that a large part of it is because meeting a partner includes a considerable amount of chance. Love will sometimes find you rather than the other way around.

[Dis]

Oh gawd I used to think the same thing all the time and not just in regards to OLD but dating/love in general

 

Seems like some people get lucky in love and others really struggle...myself being one of them 

 

I think it comes down to a few things. One being in all of our failures, we could very well be the common denominator if we have unresolved issues that are interfering. Are we making bad choices? Coming across a certain way? The other being just straight up luck. Alpaca has a very good point too. I think there's a reason why people say love finds you when you least expect it. The more you force something to come to fruition, the less likely it will which is something I've learned recently. I think when we just try to focus on ourselves and be happy with that, meeting the right person is much more likely to happen. We attract what we feel. But the waiting in that is annoying and just riding on the hope a chance meeting will happen is disheartening too. I think it comes down to getting to a place where you feel okay with whatever happens ad enjoying what we do have rather than focusing on what/who we don't. Maybe that's when the magic happens. 

[chillii]

This is what l tell all the struggling guys round here. They think women just join for a wk and ride off into the sunset. Reality is it's just as hard on women as men . Back in the day when l was on one a short while every girl l met said all the same things you are here, everyone . And l met what l'd consider some of the most decent women in it in my range. But even those some had been on them yrs . l do know the secret but it's hard to explain and most don't have the just self, to go without while he turns up , they're rushing rushing anyone everyone.

But your right it does happen , you bet , even round forums seen dozens of stories , but l'll just say you've gotta be patient and very selective. Forget the rest your just wasting your time.. Do with that what you wish.

l;

Edited May 3, 2021 by chillii

[Wiseman2]

It's best not to compare yourself to others and their experiences this much.

You cited a couple of people who met someone through OLD.

It's best to take a break if you feel burned out from OLD.

In addition to OLD, keep other opportunities available. Through classes, volunteering, sports, clubs, groups, friends,etc.

Until you feel better and more upbeat, take a break to reflect and retool.

 

[d0nnivain]

10 hours ago, Ami1uwant said:

It’s  inefficient. 
work network is not getting you relationships.

Finding love is not about being efficient.  It's not a straight line.  It's about the journey, about meeting all sorts of people & learning from them.  

Work networking is about more than finding love.  It's about career opportunities.  I had occasion to reach back to an old connection from 15+ years ago the other day.  Catching up brought us both a few moments of joy but we were also able to reconnect & enrich each other financially.  We each had a project that was better suited to the other so we referred the matters to the other.  

But work connections can lead to love.  I have had colleagues introduce me to friends & colleagues of theirs & that led to love.  I have made similar introductions.  N.B. these introductions were professional.  It was coincidental that they led to love.  I have also met people to date through industry events:  continued education, conventions, chamber of commerce events etc. I met my husband at a business card exchange.  I agree  that dating somebody who also works for your employer can be dicey.  

 

7 hours ago, Dis said:

Seems like some people get lucky in love and others really struggle...myself being one of them 

I think it comes down to a few things. One being in all of our failures, we could very well be the common denominator if we have unresolved issues that are interfering. Are we making bad choices? Coming across a certain way? The other being just straight up luck. 

To the extent that "luck" plays a part in it, remember success is 90% perspiration & 10% inspiration.  You have to work to make your own luck   There is also some aspect of the power of positive thinking in here.  Lucky people think they are lucky.  

When I found myself single in my mid 30s & knew I wanted to get married, I took a proactive approach.  I tried OLD, which I hated.  I made a dream board.  I wrote letters to my unknown beloved about out adventures together. (Those letters proved pretty accurate; I gave them to my new husband when we got back from our honeymoon & he was shocked that the dates preceded our meeting by a year but it felt like they were written to him)  I promised myself I would attend at least one event per week designed to enable me to meet new people.  At each event I promised myself I would introduce myself to at least 3 new people.  

I also took a long hard look at myself, my approach & my failures.  I promised I'd be less of an alpha female & try harder to be more supplicant.  I was flirtier but softer & less direct.  It's not to say I wasn't myself but I was trying harder to be my best self.  

[Weezy1973]

To be successful with OLD you have to come to terms with 3 factors:

1. The illusion of endless choice.

2. Aspirational dating (the tendency for people to be most attracted to people more attractive than themselves)

3. The fact that the vast majority of strangers won’t be compatible enough to have a long term relationship. 
 

Which means, at the end of the day, it’s a numbers game. Put in the work. Go on a lot of first dates. When I met my wife (through OLD) I was averaging 3 dates a week from OLD. Like anything in life, the more you put into something, the more you get out of it. 

[Dis]

On 5/3/2021 at 9:04 AM, d0nnivain said:

Finding love is not about being efficient.  It's not a straight line.  It's about the journey, about meeting all sorts of people & learning from them.  

Work networking is about more than finding love.  It's about career opportunities.  I had occasion to reach back to an old connection from 15+ years ago the other day.  Catching up brought us both a few moments of joy but we were also able to reconnect & enrich each other financially.  We each had a project that was better suited to the other so we referred the matters to the other.  

But work connections can lead to love.  I have had colleagues introduce me to friends & colleagues of theirs & that led to love.  I have made similar introductions.  N.B. these introductions were professional.  It was coincidental that they led to love.  I have also met people to date through industry events:  continued education, conventions, chamber of commerce events etc. I met my husband at a business card exchange.  I agree  that dating somebody who also works for your employer can be dicey.  

 

To the extent that "luck" plays a part in it, remember success is 90% perspiration & 10% inspiration.  You have to work to make your own luck   There is also some aspect of the power of positive thinking in here.  Lucky people think they are lucky.  

When I found myself single in my mid 30s & knew I wanted to get married, I took a proactive approach.  I tried OLD, which I hated.  I made a dream board.  I wrote letters to my unknown beloved about out adventures together. (Those letters proved pretty accurate; I gave them to my new husband when we got back from our honeymoon & he was shocked that the dates preceded our meeting by a year but it felt like they were written to him)  I promised myself I would attend at least one event per week designed to enable me to meet new people.  At each event I promised myself I would introduce myself to at least 3 new people.  

I also took a long hard look at myself, my approach & my failures.  I promised I'd be less of an alpha female & try harder to be more supplicant.  I was flirtier but softer & less direct.  It's not to say I wasn't myself but I was trying harder to be my best self.  

I love this

 

Going to follow your advice once it's time for me to get back out there

 

You're so right, we make our own luck  

[dramafreezone]

On 5/1/2021 at 5:53 PM, Cora said:

I am currently taking a break from OLD and dating in general.  It’s brutal out there these days and I’m just exhausted and defeated honestly.  I’m currently using this time to work on myself and do things that make ME happy.  I’m just trying to gain a better perspective and understand if this is the norm now or if I’m truly doing something wrong?

My brother met his fiancé on a dating app.  My cousin met his girlfriend of three years online.  I also have several friends and coworkers who have met their spouses and significant others on these dating apps.  So I know it works....but does it only work for a select few? 
 

My experience has been horrible and I’ve been on and off of these apps for years.  I’ve been ghosted after first dates, after a couple dates, after dating for several months, after having sex for the first time etc.  You name it, I’ve been ghosted. I’ve been having great conversations with guys and then suddenly get unmatched.  I’ve been chatting for several days and then they ask to meet up and in the middle of arranging plans they unmatch me.  I’ve met many many many men only looking for sex.  I’ve met many many many men claiming they are looking for a LTR who were really only looking for sex.  I’ve been lied to so many times and I’ve had guys block me for reasons I will never know. And then of course I’ve met many crazies I’ve had to weed through.

So what’s the deal?  Is this the norm these days?  Am I just unlucky?  Does it only work for a select few?  Can you actually find something substantial online these days?  How???  I honestly want to know how some do, but others have such horrible luck?

You're most likely not unlucky.  You're picking poorly.  Your picker needs recalibrating.  Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

There are plenty of guys out there that will not only not ghost you, but arrive to the date early.  There are plenty of "relationship" guys.  You're just not picking them.

What do you look for in a guy?  Obvously what you're valuing isn't that valuable or you wouldn't be dating so many duds. 

Identify the women that have what you want, and emulate them.  Stop listening to your single GFs or picking your guys based on their standards.

Edited May 4, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Foxhall]

Ah nice to see you again Cora, 

yes its not easy is it the online dating- a minefield,

Your a nice lady though, chin up, must be a decent bloke out there for you.

[BaileyB]

On 5/2/2021 at 5:12 PM, kendahke said:

My sister met her husband on OLD and have been married for 18 years now. It all depends upon the two people who meet, what they're looking for and if the window to settle down is open when they both pass in front of it at the same time.

It’s so true, there is a certain element of luck. Right place, right time, right person. 

Edited May 5, 2021 by BaileyB