Cora Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 I am currently taking a break from OLD and dating in general. It’s brutal out there these days and I’m just exhausted and defeated honestly. I’m currently using this time to work on myself and do things that make ME happy. I’m just trying to gain a better perspective and understand if this is the norm now or if I’m truly doing something wrong? My brother met his fiancé on a dating app. My cousin met his girlfriend of three years online. I also have several friends and coworkers who have met their spouses and significant others on these dating apps. So I know it works....but does it only work for a select few? My experience has been horrible and I’ve been on and off of these apps for years. I’ve been ghosted after first dates, after a couple dates, after dating for several months, after having sex for the first time etc. You name it, I’ve been ghosted. I’ve been having great conversations with guys and then suddenly get unmatched. I’ve been chatting for several days and then they ask to meet up and in the middle of arranging plans they unmatch me. I’ve met many many many men only looking for sex. I’ve met many many many men claiming they are looking for a LTR who were really only looking for sex. I’ve been lied to so many times and I’ve had guys block me for reasons I will never know. And then of course I’ve met many crazies I’ve had to weed through. So what’s the deal? Is this the norm these days? Am I just unlucky? Does it only work for a select few? Can you actually find something substantial online these days? How??? I honestly want to know how some do, but others have such horrible luck?
BrianK Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 The only time I'll unmatch is when the girl is lying. Not mentioning kids in her profile but has 2-3, using old photos that she doesn't even resemble anymore etc. Sounds like something is amiss with how you are portraying yourself compared to who you really are to have that keep happening. 2
BaileyB Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 (edited) 34 minutes ago, Cora said: So what’s the deal? Is this the norm these days? Am I just unlucky? Does it only work for a select few? Can you actually find something substantial online these days? How??? I honestly want to know how some do, but others have such horrible luck? I will say one thing to you Cora, it only takes one. I hated OLD. It terrified me. I talked with and met so many men through blind dates and OLD, but it never felt right to me. I knew people who met online, and I lamented the fact that I had horrible luck. Why did it have to be so hard for me, and so easy for everyone else. Like you, I took a break from dating because it was destroying my self esteem. I was chronically unhappy - my life was wonderful in many ways but my focus was always on the one thing that was missing - the one thing that I could not make happen, no matter how I tried. I felt defeated. And then, my mom died. She got sick and we all sat around her beside and I realized that love is actually all that matters in this life. With a renewed desired to bring love into my life, and absolutely no expectations, I signed up for a singles event. I remember the night I signed up, feeling like I didn’t want to waste the time and money - again! But, I followed through. It was actually seven years ago tonight. As I parked my car at the restaurant, I typed into Facebook “Good things come to those who wait.” The memory came up on my Facebook this morning. I said a prayer to my mom and asked for a little heavenly intervention... and you know, the first person I met at the event turned out to be the love of my life. Tomorrow will be the ten year anniversary of the day the doctor told my mom something was very wrong. Today is the seven year anniversary of the day I met my guy. And tonight, we walked in the backyard of the new home that we built together planning the landscaping and deck we plan to do this summer. I tell this story because I’m feeling nostalgic tonight, both on the anniversary of my mom’s illness and the day I met my love. But also because I want you to know that sometimes, good things do come to those who wait. Don’t focus on the one thing that is missing in your life. But, don’t lose hope either. When my mom passed, I thought the best part of my life was over. I was very wrong. The future is not ours to see. And, it only takes one. BTW, I asked him tonight to “tell me the story again of the first night we met” because he says that he saw me across the room and he just knew... his answer - “if only I would have stayed home that night!” Edited May 2, 2021 by BaileyB 7 2
basil67 Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 Hi Cora, for sure, there will be mismatches, people who misrepresent themselves or outright try and use the other. It must be exhausting. But every guy you meet leaves you with a bad result, then it's likely you're contributing in some manner. Of course, that's not to suggest that you're responsible for the bad outcome with the guys who misrepresent themselves. And I'm not suggesting that you're responsible for all the bad outcomes with regular guys either. But with some of the perfectly reasonable guys, your own issues will be causing problems and have them choose to walk away. You wrote in a previous thread >>It could be because I am very introverted and shy, maybe I’m afraid of commitment, perhaps I’m too picky, maybe my self esteem is too low and I tend to self sabotage....push guys away. Probably a combination of all of these<< You're clearly insightful and it's great that you can look at yourself objectively. So the next question is: how often does a good guy walk away and you realise that some of your own behaviour contributed to his choice? 4
Author Cora Posted May 2, 2021 Author Posted May 2, 2021 24 minutes ago, BrianK said: The only time I'll unmatch is when the girl is lying. Not mentioning kids in her profile but has 2-3, using old photos that she doesn't even resemble anymore etc. Sounds like something is amiss with how you are portraying yourself compared to who you really are to have that keep happening. Thank you for your response. Well I am very honest, I have no kids and never been married and all of my pictures have always been very recent. But you’re right....something has to be amiss with how I’m portraying myself. Just don’t know what that could be...
Author Cora Posted May 2, 2021 Author Posted May 2, 2021 14 minutes ago, BaileyB said: I will say one thing to you Cora, it only takes one. I hated OLD. It terrified me. I talked with and met so many men through blind dates and OLD, but it never felt right to me. I knew people who met online, and I lamented the fact that I had horrible luck. Why did it have to be so hard for me, and so easy for everyone else. Like you, I took a break from dating because it was destroying my self esteem. I was chronically unhappy - my life was wonderful in many ways but my focus was always on the one thing that was missing - the one thing that I could not make happen, no matter how I tried. And then, my mom died. She got sick and we all sat around her beside and I realized that love is actually all that matters in this life. With a renewed desired to bring love into my life, and absolutely no expectations, I signed up for a singles event. I remember the night I signed up, feeling like I didn’t want to waste the time and money - again! But, I followed through. It was actually seven years ago tonight. As I parked my car at the restaurant, I typed into Facebook “Good things come to those who wait.” The memory came up on my Facebook this morning. I said a prayer to my mom and asked for a little heavenly intervention... and you know, the first person I met at the event turned out to be the love of my life. Tomorrow will be the ten year anniversary of the day the doctor told my mom something was very wrong. Today is the seven year anniversary of the day I met my guy. And tonight, we walked in the backyard of the new home that we built together planning the landscaping and deck we plan to do this summer. I tell this story because I’m feeling nostalgic tonight, both on the anniversary of my mom’s illness and the day I met my love. But also because I want you to know that sometimes, good things do come to those who wait. Don’t focus on the one thing that is missing in your life. But, don’t lose hope either. When my mom passed,I thought the best part of my life was over. I was very wrong. The future is not ours to see. And, it only takes one. That is such a beautiful story!!! Thank you for sharing! I’m so sorry to hear about your mother. I can’t imagine how tough that must have been. I am so glad you met the love of your life though! So beautiful....gives me hope. 1
Author Cora Posted May 2, 2021 Author Posted May 2, 2021 12 minutes ago, basil67 said: Hi Cora, for sure, there will be mismatches, people who misrepresent themselves or outright try and use the other. It must be exhausting. But every guy you meet leaves you with a bad result, then it's likely you're contributing in some manner. Of course, that's not to suggest that you're responsible for the bad outcome with the guys who misrepresent themselves. And I'm not suggesting that you're responsible for all the bad outcomes with regular guys either. But with some of the perfectly reasonable guys, your own issues will be causing problems and have them choose to walk away. You wrote in a previous thread >>It could be because I am very introverted and shy, maybe I’m afraid of commitment, perhaps I’m too picky, maybe my self esteem is too low and I tend to self sabotage....push guys away. Probably a combination of all of these<< You're clearly insightful and it's great that you can look at yourself objectively. So the next question is: how often does a good guy walk away and you realise that some of your own behaviour contributed to his choice? You are right. It most likely is a combination of those things. And I can recall a few instances where a perfectly good guy has walked away because of my sabotaging things. Which is exactly why I’m taking this break and working on myself so this does not keep happening because it truly is exhausting. Thank you. 1
Ami1uwant Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 30 minutes ago, Cora said: I am currently taking a break from OLD and dating in general. It’s brutal out there these days and I’m just exhausted and defeated honestly. I’m currently using this time to work on myself and do things that make ME happy. I’m just trying to gain a better perspective and understand if this is the norm now or if I’m truly doing something wrong? My brother met his fiancé on a dating app. My cousin met his girlfriend of three years online. I also have several friends and coworkers who have met their spouses and significant others on these dating apps. So I know it works....but does it only work for a select few? My experience has been horrible and I’ve been on and off of these apps for years. I’ve been ghosted after first dates, after a couple dates, after dating for several months, after having sex for the first time etc. You name it, I’ve been ghosted. I’ve been having great conversations with guys and then suddenly get unmatched. I’ve been chatting for several days and then they ask to meet up and in the middle of arranging plans they unmatch me. I’ve met many many many men only looking for sex. I’ve met many many many men claiming they are looking for a LTR who were really only looking for sex. I’ve been lied to so many times and I’ve had guys block me for reasons I will never know. And then of course I’ve met many crazies I’ve had to weed through. So what’s the deal? Is this the norm these days? Am I just unlucky? Does it only work for a select few? Can you actually find something substantial online these days? How??? I honestly want to know how some do, but others have such horrible luck? I dont know your age and where you are from ( big city, small town) or age you are looking at. so 15 yrs ago online dating was far easier because peop,e online were serious about meeting someone for a relationship. As OLD became popular more and more people started to use it because it was the thing, but they weren’t serious about or they used it try try and get someone they wouldn’t notmally get. the other part of the problem....you are getting people who are having problems deciding. Economic research has shown in consumer behavior (1) people can’t make decisions say you are at the store and you have someone giving you samples of a new product to try. It’s in different flavors. If there are a few like 3 flavors people can try them, decide one they like and buy, and buy again. But if you have any lime 10+ they can’t decide, they dont choose, they don’t buy. (2) people miss out there are two types of shopping behaviors. Maximizers, and satisfiers. Everyone can be either in different situations. Common maximizers come in high cost purchases like a car or a house where you want to see everything before they decide to buy. Some might do this on things they don’t usually buy like replacing an appliance after 10+ yrs where standards change. when it comes to buying things more common like clothes on person might want to see where the best deal to maximize their purchase is so they are looking for a new shirt. They go around looking at all the stores. They saw something they like, but they didn’t buy it then. They go to all and come back, but it’s gone. A satisfier bought it because it met their minimum standards without needing to shop around. these 2 things happen in dating. You coukd find a coup,e who might have had a decent first date. Had they met an old fashioned way like thru school, church, common friend...they might have had some sort of relationship that coukd have led to marriage. In meeting in OLD e ery thing wasn’t perfect on date 1 and there were other options so date 2 never happened. 2
BrianK Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 24 minutes ago, Cora said: Thank you for your response. Well I am very honest, I have no kids and never been married and all of my pictures have always been very recent. But you’re right....something has to be amiss with how I’m portraying myself. Just don’t know what that could be... That said, if you are living in a locked down area dating is completely dead right now. People are on dating sites and apps but have no intention of meeting. I've been dating for years and have never seen it this bad before. 2
cleverusername Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 Why are you choosing to date online? Something in your choice could be manifesting into how you are percieved
wanderingthoughts11 Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 2 hours ago, Cora said: I am currently taking a break from OLD and dating in general. It’s brutal out there these days and I’m just exhausted and defeated honestly. I’m currently using this time to work on myself and do things that make ME happy. I’m just trying to gain a better perspective and understand if this is the norm now or if I’m truly doing something wrong? My brother met his fiancé on a dating app. My cousin met his girlfriend of three years online. I also have several friends and coworkers who have met their spouses and significant others on these dating apps. So I know it works....but does it only work for a select few? My experience has been horrible and I’ve been on and off of these apps for years. I’ve been ghosted after first dates, after a couple dates, after dating for several months, after having sex for the first time etc. You name it, I’ve been ghosted. I’ve been having great conversations with guys and then suddenly get unmatched. I’ve been chatting for several days and then they ask to meet up and in the middle of arranging plans they unmatch me. I’ve met many many many men only looking for sex. I’ve met many many many men claiming they are looking for a LTR who were really only looking for sex. I’ve been lied to so many times and I’ve had guys block me for reasons I will never know. And then of course I’ve met many crazies I’ve had to weed through. So what’s the deal? Is this the norm these days? Am I just unlucky? Does it only work for a select few? Can you actually find something substantial online these days? How??? I honestly want to know how some do, but others have such horrible luck? Honestly, sounds like what I am going through right now. Absolutely horrible...if you have horrible luck then so do I. 1
Phallacy Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 Understand most men you have sex with won’t marry you. And most men will be rejected by the women they’re most attracted to, and will spend lots of money and there time to be rejected. Such is life dear 1
Blind-Sided Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 (edited) I didn't do any OLD. With all the horror story's... I stayed away from it. BUT... most of my thoughts are... people who post pictures who aren't representative of themselves. (old pictures before they gained weight, or just looked better before getting old) Or just running into someone who is a little crazy. As far as "Ghosting" ... that can happen meeting IRL. If you find someone at a club, bar, coffee shop.... that's just how people are. Most of them don't want the confutation of a break-up. Sorry it's happening to you. With that said... after my divorce... I simply asked friends (mostly female) if they had any single friends... and after a month or so... I was introduced to several. And... it was kind of fun to just get out with friends, and not have any real pressure. (Dating wasn't easy after being with my exW for 20 years) Edited May 2, 2021 by Blind-Sided 1
lana-banana Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 Several of my friends met their spouses via online dating platforms. It's not a separate type of dating, since you can't actually date via the internet; you have to think of it as a means to meet people you wouldn't meet otherwise, no more and no less. So put your focus into presenting yourself as a fun and interesting person to meet and weeding out anyone who might be wasting your time. I will say that being open-minded helps. I met my husband through work but I sometimes think about how I would have filtered him out if we were dating online. It's a humbling reminder that when I was searching for guys online I was picky about things that didn't matter and I would have missed out on the love of my life had we been looking for each other on platforms. So be willing to take a chance every now and again. 2
Gaeta Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 I agree with @Ami1uwant I'm also surrounded by happy long term couples that have met online. I think the key word is 'long term'. They met a few years ago when online was filled with people that were serious about meeting someone. Now it's filled with recently or barely seperated people, chronic dater, players, attention seekers. I'm not sure I want to show my face on there this time around. 2
elaine567 Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 (edited) From your last thread you asked an inappropriate question about his height, he blew up and blocked you, only to return and soft soap you into trying again. Oh he's such a nice guy -- NO He was some guy on a hair trigger. Then you had a date that went OK but then it all went crazy... He had to cancel due to work, you did a background check. He contacted you and in the middle of a conversation went awol... You sent 3 over the top concerned texts. When he did resurface he apparently only wanted sex... and to cap it all you decided that as he was a firefighter, you couldn't handle anyone who was in such a dangerous job... Your picker is way off... Edited May 2, 2021 by elaine567 2
Stupidkupid Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 11 hours ago, BrianK said: The only time I'll unmatch is when the girl is lying. Not mentioning kids in her profile but has 2-3, using old photos that she doesn't even resemble anymore etc. Sounds like something is amiss with how you are portraying yourself compared to who you really are to have that keep happening. Interesting comment but I hope you can understand that there is a safety reason for women not mentioning children on their dating profile? The advice from child abuse organisations is not to advertise that you have children on your profile. A lot of the time this isn't about deception, ita about not attracting the type of men who actually are more interested in your children than you. On saying that, I think once a match is made then making this clear as early as feels safe is definitely necessary. Appreciate as a non-predatory man you've probably not needed to look at it this way but I wanted to point it out. 6
elaine567 Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 Many things women do are about safety, but most healthy and fit men never ever need to worry about safety, so they don't tend to get it. 2
d0nnivain Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 @Cora I hated OLD. I lasted a whopping 90 days on the site. Even though I never had trouble meeting men in real life, I didn't get a lot of matches. I converted a very small percentage of those into conversations & only managed 3 dates, all of which were with subpar men I would probably not have given the time of day to had I met them in real life. After that I limited my adult dating escapades to real live events. I made a promise to myself to do at least 1 thing per week to broaden my circle & meet new people. I joined a singles group that played board games. I went an event called Leashes & Lovers because I could bring my dog (no it was not an S&M event). i went to political events. I went to networking events because I was simultaneously trying to grow my fledgling business. I was contemplating joining a group that created foursomes to play golf -- 2 men & 2 women thinking that even if I didn't get a love connection I'd at least get in 18 holes. About 3-4 months into that endeavor I met my husband at a business card exchange. Neither of us got any new economic leads out of that event but we got something better. I'm not sure what one does in Covid lockdowns but I would at least find a Zoom group that interests you & maybe join a hiking group where you can be outside & socially distant. 2
SaraSays Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 Online dating has never been about matching people well. It's a business after all, that depends upon 2 things - repeat visitors and increasing numbers of new joiners. 3
Author Cora Posted May 2, 2021 Author Posted May 2, 2021 4 hours ago, elaine567 said: From your last thread you asked an inappropriate question about his height, he blew up and blocked you, only to return and soft soap you into trying again. Oh he's such a nice guy -- NO He was some guy on a hair trigger. Then you had a date that went OK but then it all went crazy... He had to cancel due to work, you did a background check. He contacted you and in the middle of a conversation went awol... You sent 3 over the top concerned texts. When he did resurface he apparently only wanted sex... and to cap it all you decided that as he was a firefighter, you couldn't handle anyone who was in such a dangerous job... Your picker is way off... You are probably right. That guy could not be more wrong for me and I see that now. I was blinded to the red flags and only saw what I wanted to see. I’m embarrassed by that whole experience. I really need to work on the people I choose and why I choose them. This is very helpful. Thank you. 1
Author Cora Posted May 2, 2021 Author Posted May 2, 2021 4 hours ago, d0nnivain said: @Cora I hated OLD. I lasted a whopping 90 days on the site. Even though I never had trouble meeting men in real life, I didn't get a lot of matches. I converted a very small percentage of those into conversations & only managed 3 dates, all of which were with subpar men I would probably not have given the time of day to had I met them in real life. After that I limited my adult dating escapades to real live events. I made a promise to myself to do at least 1 thing per week to broaden my circle & meet new people. I joined a singles group that played board games. I went an event called Leashes & Lovers because I could bring my dog (no it was not an S&M event). i went to political events. I went to networking events because I was simultaneously trying to grow my fledgling business. I was contemplating joining a group that created foursomes to play golf -- 2 men & 2 women thinking that even if I didn't get a love connection I'd at least get in 18 holes. About 3-4 months into that endeavor I met my husband at a business card exchange. Neither of us got any new economic leads out of that event but we got something better. I'm not sure what one does in Covid lockdowns but I would at least find a Zoom group that interests you & maybe join a hiking group where you can be outside & socially distant. Thank you. It really is brutal and exhausting. Once I feel ready to get back into dating again I will check out local singles events in my area. I think that could be good for me and also bring me out of my shell as I can be quite shy. I don’t know if I could ever do the online dating again at this point. 1
d0nnivain Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 2 minutes ago, Cora said: I will check out local singles events in my area. I think that could be good for me and also bring me out of my shell as I can be quite shy. I don’t know if I could ever do the online dating again at this point. I used to think I was shy. Then one day I learned a secret. Everybody feels shy or awkward. If you can find the courage to smile & say hi you breaking the ice will attract people to you. 2
Ami1uwant Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 2 hours ago, d0nnivain said: I used to think I was shy. Then one day I learned a secret. Everybody feels shy or awkward. If you can find the courage to smile & say hi you breaking the ice will attract people to you. thats the inherent problrm in all this.... once you are past your mid 20s ehrn peop,e start pairing off and getting married it become much more difficult to network and meet people. id love to have a place where everyone was single and wanting to find someone to date. Knowing that changes thing because you eliminate those already married/ dating/ not interested in dating. as far as I know, those places done exist.
d0nnivain Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 1 hour ago, Ami1uwant said: once you are past your mid 20s ehrn peop,e start pairing off and getting married it become much more difficult to network and meet people. id love to have a place where everyone was single and wanting to find someone to date. Knowing that changes thing because you eliminate those already married/ dating/ not interested in dating. as far as I know, those places done exist. You have to learn to talk to all sorts of people. Networking is a life long skill that will help you advance in your career too. You also never know who knows somebody you may be interested in. I met all sorts of lovely people who introduced me to their sons, brothers, nephews, etc. Networking can also increase your circle of friends so you have more people to socialize with
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