What happened? Ghosted.

[Myasylum]

So I was dating my friends sister for about a month,  I knew her though about a year because of her being my friends sister.  I knew she had a guy that has been in and out of her life for quite awhile. But this time he was gone for good.  So I figured I'd give it a shot. We were talking every day for a month,  she came to my house and we did things together.  Everything was going great,  then... poof gone.  Not a word.  I talked to my friend,  he said he didn't get it either but he'd talk to her.  He's seen her but nothing was said and everything seemed fine. 

    I guess I'm just trying to wrap my head around why someone would do this?? I find it rather hurtful.  It's been like 2 weeks now. Not a peep from her.  I have no clue what is going on.  Maybe that guy is back in her life,  still she should say something! Especially since I'm going to see her at some point because I'm good friends with her brother.  Then what do I do? Ignore her?? Just awkward thinking about it even. 

    I'm really upset by this? But there's nothing I can seem to do.  I left her 3 messages in the two weeks,  just simple light message saying hi, and not one word in return. 

    Any input on how to handle this?

    Thanks!

[SaraSays]

The first 3 months are the limerence period, when we're all wearing rose-tinted glasses. We're neither showing, nor seeing, someone genuine. It takes 4 seasons to begin to scratch the surface of another person, and for us to start to show who we are.

Connections are fragile, and mere sandcastles at the start. Things can end very easily.

Our brains are also growing til we're 25ish, meaning we undergo lots of changes in how we comprehend things til then.

[ExpatInItaly]

25 minutes ago, Myasylum said:

Maybe that guy is back in her life

I think you're probably correct.

And yes, it would be the mature thing for her to say something. However, people don't always do what is right. And yes, it will probably be awkward when you next see her. This is the risk you took getting involved with a friend's sibling. The potential for awkwardness is huge if it doesn't work out. 

I would not reach out to her anymore. When you see her, be cordial but don't engage. I feel the onus is on her to make it less awkward by clearing the air with you. She may or may not do this, in which case you will know she's not the best dating candidate anyway. If she isn't mature enough to communicate with you, dating would have been a fail. 

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, Myasylum said:

I knew she had a guy that has been in and out of her life for quite awhile.

We were talking every day for a month,  she came to my house and we did things together.  Everything was going great,  then... poof gone. 

Sorry this happened. I think your theory that  this guy reappeared is very likely. It's kind of rude to drop off the planet but maybe she thought you two were "just talking". Does her brother know what the deal is?

[Myasylum]

Her brother isn't sure either,  but he's going to talk to her. I guess. He doesn't understand why she's not saying anything either.  

   He feels that I'm good for her compared to that other guy. So he seems to have vested interest in the situation. 

[ExpatInItaly]

20 minutes ago, Myasylum said:

He feels that I'm good for her compared to that other guy. So he seems to have vested interest in the situation. 

But, he isn't the one dating you. 

I can tell you, as a woman with two brothers herself, it's largely irrelevant who her brother thinks is good for her. She will choose whomever she likes more, regardless of whether he's someone her brother would endorse. I'm not saying she wouldn't value his opinion, but in the end, it's her own feelings that will take precdence. If she's still hung up on some other guy, her brother's thoughts are going to fall on deaf ears. 

[Myasylum]

Yes,  it appears she's back with that other guy,   I thought we were doing so well. 

   I don't know if it was a one night thing or what? From what I gather she feels really bad about it and doesn't know what to say,  that is why she hasn't said anything.  Still... pretty crappy to not say anything at all. 

    And now my friend already all me to do something with them next weekend.  I'm like... what's wrong with you? No! Apparently he doesn't want me giving up,  and he said I'm going to have to get use to her being around again anyway. 

    Ugh! I just can't to that! In a year maybe in a week, No! All this seems so heartless, and cruel. 

Edited May 2, 2021 by Myasylum

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm sorry to hear you've confirmed that she's back with her ex. 

However, your friend needs to stay out of his sister's love life. It is not his place to insist you not give up, nor would it matter. Her heart is with someone else. And no, I wouldn't make any plans that involve her. He's a bit dense to think you would be okay with that again at this point. 

I am curious how you didn't foresee this exact risk in dating your buddy's sister, though. Surely it crossed your mind that it could make things awkward for your  friendship with him if you and she didn't work out?

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, Myasylum said:

!Apparently he doesn't want me giving up,  and he said I'm going to have to get use to her being around again anyway. 

Sorry this happened. Don't let your friends play matchmaker.

He shouldn't have encouraged you to date his sister, when he knows she's on/off with the guy.

It's not your problem that he doesn't like the guy. That's his sister's business.

[Marc878]

41 minutes ago, Myasylum said:

Yes,  it appears she's back with that other guy,   I thought we were doing so well. 

   I don't know if it was a one night thing or what? From what I gather she feels really bad about it and doesn't know what to say,  that is why she hasn't said anything.  Still... pretty crappy to not say anything at all. 

    And now my friend already all me to do something with them next weekend.  I'm like... what's wrong with you? No! Apparently he doesn't want me giving up,  and he said I'm going to have to get use to her being around again anyway. 

    Ugh! I just can't to that! In a year maybe in a week, No! All this seems so heartless, and cruel. 

It’s obvious she doesn’t care about you. Block her. 
Don’t get caught up in the I love her so she must love me too thing. She doesn’t.

Block her and never contact her again. People like this are a waste of time.

[Myasylum]

Yes,  it now makes my friendship pretty awkward.  Thing is, something would have happened between me and his sister anyway.  She's always there.  I just figured I'd get it over with. Lol. 

   It was fun while it lasted.  I just didn't expect it from her to just straight up disappear. Like I say,  I've known her for about a year.  We've gotten to know each other petty well.  She knows I'm going to be around,  so why she'd be so crappy about the situation is beyond me. 

And why my friend just thinks I'm just supposed to suck it up and pretend nothing happened I don't get either.  I need time. I'm actually pretty hurt about this one. She really grew on me... and poof!

Edited May 2, 2021 by Myasylum

[ExpatInItaly]

How old is she, OP?

[Myasylum]

30

[ExpatInItaly]

45 minutes ago, Myasylum said:

30

30??

Wow. I was expecting someone quite a lot younger. At 30 if she still hasn't learned how to communicate like an adult, you're not missing much. 

[peach302]

27 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

30??

Wow. I was expecting someone quite a lot younger. At 30 if she still hasn't learned how to communicate like an adult, you're not missing much. 

30 is still pretty young. 

[peach302]

1 hour ago, Myasylum said:

Yes,  it now makes my friendship pretty awkward.  Thing is, something would have happened between me and his sister anyway.  She's always there.  I just figured I'd get it over with. Lol. 

   It was fun while it lasted.  I just didn't expect it from her to just straight up disappear. Like I say,  I've known her for about a year.  We've gotten to know each other petty well.  She knows I'm going to be around,  so why she'd be so crappy about the situation is beyond me. 

And why my friend just thinks I'm just supposed to suck it up and pretend nothing happened I don't get either.  I need time. I'm actually pretty hurt about this one. She really grew on me... and poof!

I know its easier  said than done..but try not to get too attached to someone you've only been seeing a month. A month is nothing. (Sorry). 

There's people who have been together for months/years and still get ghosted.

Having said all that, the very least she could have done is explained or at least told you its over..rather  than ghosting. 

It may be upsetting now, but the best thing is probably for you to distance yourself from them..rather  than hanging out like before. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, peach302 said:

30 is still pretty young. 

Yes, but too old for this type of behaviour. 

[SaraSays]

Age has nothing to do with whether people communicate well. Older people struggle to articulate themselves. Younger people can succinctly explain ideas. There's no link to age. Young children are some of the best communicators we have, as they ask and ask until they feel they understand something.

[peach302]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, but too old for this type of behaviour. 

Yes but unfortunately its very common in that age group still. 

Maybe its a millennial thing. 

[Marc878]

2 hours ago, Myasylum said:

Yes,  it now makes my friendship pretty awkward.  Thing is, something would have happened between me and his sister anyway.  She's always there.  I just figured I'd get it over with. Lol. 

   It was fun while it lasted.  I just didn't expect it from her to just straight up disappear. Like I say,  I've known her for about a year.  We've gotten to know each other petty well.  She knows I'm going to be around,  so why she'd be so crappy about the situation is beyond me. 

And why my friend just thinks I'm just supposed to suck it up and pretend nothing happened I don't get either.  I need time. I'm actually pretty hurt about this one. She really grew on me... and poof!

Make no mistake. This is who she is. Actions tell you that. No concern for anyone other than herself.
 

Like most the x probably won’t work out but that won’t change who she she is.

Stay gar away from her. This wasn’t a mistake it was a choice she made.

[Myasylum]

She's been on and off with that guy for years,  so yea I doubt it was last.  It's very frustrating and times like these in just disappointed in the human race that this behavior is acceptable with anyone.  Even with my friend seems to have this nonchalant just get over it kind of mentality. 

    I need time,  even if it is more time than most.  I've never been one to jump from girl to girl either. Just kind of sad and disappointed right now. 

 

[Myasylum]

Thing that gets me is,  this time I was assured that guy was gone... otherwise I wouldn't have bothered.  So much for that. 

[smackie9]

2 hours ago, Myasylum said:

She's been on and off with that guy for years, 

 

 

Avoid anyone who does this. This is a huge red flag. You were a rebound.

[Calmandfocused]

I think what you (and your friend) are failing to grasp is that she still loves him! 
 

Whether she got back with him or not, she still loves him. And she will continue to love him for a long time. 
 

This means that there is no space for you or any other man in at heart right now. Not now , and not anytime soon. 
 

She is unavailable. 100% and  completely. 
 

Even if she never saw this guy again after today  it would take her a long time to recover. Your mate was misguided by thinking that bringing you on the scene would help her move on. Clearly it didn’t. 
 

That’s not how it works when you love someone. 
 

 

[spiderowl]

Maybe she's not as interested as you and doesn't know what to say.  She sounds quite young.  I was hopeless when younger too and never said anything.  I look back now and think of those poor guys ...