I dumped the perfect guy I was dating and still ask myself why 4 months later

May 2, 2021

I think it sounds abusive and controlling on your part. I wouldn't like to encourage anyone displaying these traits to be in a relationship, because the other person's only option is to walk on eggshells, and that's not a partnership.

May 2, 2021

You know why you dumped him, because you thought you could do better. He was the safe, reliable(beta) option that wasn't exciting or successful enough.

I doubt there is a point in reaching out as men are hip and aren't okay with being the guy you run back to when nothing else is working.

May 2, 2021

He wasn't all that perfect. He might have been better than some other guys you dated but apparently with your track record that is a pretty low bar. When you were out at your friend's house not feeling it shortly after you two became exclusive that was your subconscious telling you something was off. IMO there may have been Qs about his motives for wanting to exclusive .So close on the heels of his friend's death -- did he really want you or was it just a reaction to loss? I would not have been comfortable with the timing.

Now 4 months later you are romanticizing the relationship out of nostalgia & boredom. You are making it out to be better & more than it was.

Instead recognize it as you turning a corner & being capable of finding a nice guy. Do take what @BaileyBsuggested about your fears into account. But move forward. Reach out to him if you like but I'm not optimistic about the wisdom of that.

May 2, 2021

3 hours ago, missthrowaway said:

I remember starting to get annoyed and talking with my housemates about why he'd come over and offer to help only to be ill

Did he has control over the fact that he became ill? No. You are angry at something the man had no control over, and that is unreasonable - to say the least.

Quote

In my room we're in bed and he rolls over and apologises for not being helpful tonight, and offers to stay over during the day and pack up some more stuff as he wanted to help. I got defensive and told him that he wouldn't help pack because he hardly did this evening and probably doesnt even really want to. He told me that if I didn't want his help then he won't, but he wants to help and that it was unfair of me to say that he didn't want to, (especially with how much he's offered to help as he knows I'm stressing about how I'll do it all on my own). At the moment I read this as he was very angry with me (as the men I've dated have became angry men and abused me), told him that I don't want to date another angry man. Without even looking at him I asked him to leave mine, this was at midnight btw. He didn't leave straight away, he wanted to talk about this (I read this as him trying to be controlling which was another trait of the angry men I dated).

The man offered to help you pack, and you attacked him. And then, you labeled him as angry and controlling (which he clearly wasn’t, the man was kindly offering to help you because that’s what good boyfriends do). It was very appropriate for him to withdraw his offer to help and he was right on when he said it was unfair of you to say that he didn’t want to help. I’m sorry, if anyone seems unreasonably angry and controlling in this story, it is you.

I change my vote. Tough love coming - prepare yourself. Don’t contact the man, not if you are going to behave this way. You have some more work to do with your counsellor before you are ready to be in another relationship.

Edited May 2, 2021 by BaileyB

May 2, 2021

43 minutes ago, CollinW said:

You know why you dumped him, because you thought you could do better. He was the safe, reliable(beta) option that wasn't exciting or successful enough.

I doubt there is a point in reaching out as men are hip and aren't okay with being the guy you run back to when nothing else is working.

Hi Colin I have to disagree. I didn't end things because I thought I could do better. I wanted him so badly, but I was scared he would turn out like all the other men. I've always wanted to reach out to him but I fear he'll reject me or even worse because of how I treated him. Since ending things in December I went on a few dates with other guys but none of them came anywhere close to him and how great he was.

Also the 'alpha' vs 'beta' view point is rubbish, none of my female friends care if someone's an alpha or beta, just how they make us feel.

May 2, 2021

15 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

He wasn't all that perfect. He might have been better than some other guys you dated but apparently with your track record that is a pretty low bar. When you were out at your friend's house not feeling it shortly after you two became exclusive that was your subconscious telling you something was off. IMO there may have been Qs about his motives for wanting to exclusive .So close on the heels of his friend's death -- did he really want you or was it just a reaction to loss? I would not have been comfortable with the timing.

While the thought about the timing of being exclusive did enter my head, I also wanted to be exclusive. Kinda feel my anxiety had other ideas about it though. I'm struggling to explain what I mean haha, maybe that's my problem

May 2, 2021

If you can't explain it you certainly can't blame him.

If you ran because you were scared own that. He might not come back but at least you will recognize the behavior & may be able to prevent yourself from doing it again to the next guy

May 2, 2021

Your emotions and behavior are volatile and all over the place. You are not ready to date. Your behavior was not fair to him. You treated him badly for no reason. You need to go to therapy and work on your issues before you date again. Don't play with this man's emotions by trying to contact him again. He deserves better than this.

May 2, 2021

21 hours ago, missthrowaway said:

To this day, I don't know why I treated him like that after the break up (blocking him). I don't know why I ended it with him either. I was in a weird place when I ended it with him. I think I was worried of another relationship where things moved fast (as my previous ones ended up me getting abused or manipulated). I still see him as the best guy that I've ever dated by a country mile. My parents loved him and my friends loved how happy he made me.

What's wrong with me? There must be something wrong with me if I ended things with a guy that was and probably still is, the perfect guy for me.

Seems very extreme and quick. I feel bad for you because the anxiety is coming out quite strong in your initial post. If you don't know why, keep searching why. If you have a gut feeling that it's anxiety or ptsd from abuse and manipulation from prior relationships, speak to a therapist. Find help somehow. Repeating the same behaviours will cause you a whole life of grief and sadness, also lack of fulfilment and feeling guilty. You don't want to hurt others also because you were hurt.

Does it help to return back (mentally) to your trauma and gain power and autonomy over that situation? Tell yourself that you can overcome those situations by being wiser and understand what pitfalls and red flags to avoid? You're doing that here with this person. But what about your other experiences that snowballed your reactions?

Regarding the packing situation you got frustrated with him for feeling sick. That was unkind to say those things and emotionally abusive to the other person to be misinterpreted or accused of things they are not trying to imply or be. He was trying to be helpful to you.

In future if it's too early on to have someone over for extended periods like this learn to engage again in better boundaries. If you don't need his help, politely let him know that you would love to see him again in a few days once you're settled in your new place. Part of all that pressure you're feeling is lack of boundaries or perhaps being afraid to say no to someone. It is perfectly fine to be self-sufficient or already have help. You could have asked him to come over at the end of the day for dinner for example also if you didn't really need the help. I personally don't like anyone touching my things when I'm moving or packing. Too many people makes for utter confusion.

I think it's good of you, by the way, to be asking these questions and thinking outloud so credit to you for that. Keep your chin up.

May 2, 2021

21 hours ago, missthrowaway said:

I mean I found him sexy and reliable, I liked him, I was growing fond of him, and not in 'just a friend' way.

I hate putting myself down, but now and again I think if the anxiety from my previous relationship abuse blinded me I would have a habit of comparing at times

If I am following you....you really didn’t know him. It’s like seeing a nice car but knowing what’s under the hood....

May 2, 2021

58 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

You treated him badly for no reason. You need to go to therapy and work on your issues before you date again. Don't play with this man's emotions by trying to contact him again.

Indeed. If they were to stay together and she continued to behave in the way previously described... he will be the one telling his counsellor about the “damage” he experienced in his relationship with you.

I know you don’t intend this OP, which is why you need to keep working with your counsellor. You won’t be able to have a healthy relationship until you get yourself together. I think you know this and you are trying, this experience just shows you that you have more work to do.

Edited May 2, 2021 by BaileyB

May 2, 2021

OP you made the right decision...your gut instinct is spot on. This guy, even tho he struggled with your fears, he didn't know proper boundaries. You tell him no, and he didn't listen. He took that as rejection, and pushed you. He has fear too of being pushed away. He was being suspiciously too nice. I believe you saw something there that just didn't feel right. Even "nice guys" can be bad.

You just need to believe in yourself, and be more confident in yourself. It didn't feel right, and you took appropriate action. Give yourself a pat on the back instead.

Edited May 2, 2021 by smackie9

May 2, 2021

7 hours ago, missthrowaway said:

He came over and we packed some books. We had some wine and I cooked for him. During the dinner he mentions that he starts feeling really faint and lightheaded. I put him into bed to rest up and gave some paracetamol and I went back into the lounge with my housemates. I remember starting to get annoyed and talking with my housemates about why he'd come over and offer to help only to be ill, he knew I was already stressed this week with the move and really needed the help. Looking back now, I can see this was probably unfair of me to think like that.

Two hours later he appears saying he feels better. Us two and my two house mates have another glass of wine and then we all head to bed. In my room we're in bed and he rolls over and apologises for not being helpful tonight, and offers to stay over during the day and pack up some more stuff as he wanted to help. I got defensive and told him that he wouldn't help pack because he hardly did this evening and probably doesnt even really want to. He told me that if I didn't want his help then he won't, but he wants to help and that it was unfair of me to say that he didn't want to, (especially with how much he's offered to help as he knows I'm stressing about how I'll do it all on my own). At the moment I read this as he was very angry with me (as the men I've dated have became angry men and abused me), told him that I don't want to date another angry man. Without even looking at him I asked him to leave mine, this was at midnight btw. He didn't leave straight away, he wanted to talk about this (I read this as him trying to be controlling which was another trait of the angry men I dated). I said no and then he got dressed, booked a taxi and left. As soon as I shut the front door I cried.

@missthrowaway, it sounds like you could be a mirror image of the angry, abusive men you have dated in the past. I think you have abusive traits.

Your reaction to your then boyfriend's illness was essentially an alarm bell to me. The appropriate response to your sweetheart's genuine illness is supposed to be empathy, not irritation or anger or backbiting him to your roommates.

Even now, you have difficulty admitting you were wrong. You say, "Looking back now, I can see this was probably unfair of me to think like that." It wasn't "probably unfair." It was definitely unkind, even cruel.

You also go on to say you never actually apologized to him for your unkind and unreasonable behavior:

"He was apologising if he made me feel uncomfortable, and that he wasn't angry at all . . . I realised he was right and that it was wrong to call and paint him as another angry man in my life - I never told him that though. I reached out that midday and thanked him for the voicenote, we moved on from it and we were back to normal."

He actually apologized and yet he did nothing wrong. So you got to maintain the upper hand. That's definitely an abusive dynamic.

The kindest thing you can do is leave this guy alone. You need to focus on working on your own issues in therapy/counselling so that you can put some distance between yourself and the roles of abuser and abuse victim.

Edited May 2, 2021 by Acacia98

May 2, 2021

2 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

it sounds like you could be a mirror image of the angry, abusive men you have dated in the past. I think you have abusive traits.

While I agree that she mirrored the abusive behavior of the men in her past, I feel like this was fight or flight. Earlier, I said you chose flight by exiting the relationship because you were anxious. This sounds to me like you were ready to fight - you were assert yourself and set some boundaries - in other words, you were going to get him before he could hurt you! The problem being, no boundaries needed to be set because you were not actually under threat. What you perceived to be. a threat is actually normal, healthy relationship behavior.

It don’t know you miss throwaway but It doesn’t seem to me that you know how to be in a healthy relationship. He was trying to be every bit the kind, concerned boyfriend - this is what some men do when they like a woman, they offer to help. He probably wanted to spend time with you, he offered to be of service, and what did he get in return? You told him that his offer to help was disingenuous and and he was accused of being angry and controlling. Your reaction was extreme, not in keeping with the situation in any way.

Edited May 2, 2021 by BaileyB

May 2, 2021

2 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

"He was apologising if he made me feel uncomfortable, and that he wasn't angry at all . . . I realised he was right and that it was wrong to call and paint him as another angry man in my life - I never told him that though. I reached out that midday and thanked him for the voicenote, we moved on from it and we were back to normal."

He actually apologized and yet he did nothing wrong. So you got to maintain the upper hand. That's definitely an abusive dynamic.

Definitely agree. It is an abusive dynamic, except missthrowaway is not the victim in this scenario.

May 2, 2021

So far, everything you've said about this guy suggests he is a decent guy who cared about you.

I understand you have had problems in relationships in the past and that you were involved with angry men. Maybe at some level you have come to expect men to be angry with you and, when he wasn't, something felt off and you dumped him. If you are not used to men treating you well, it will feel strange at first. I am not suggesting you are seeking drama in relationships but a lack of it may feel as if something is missing from the relationship, without you understanding what.

Something to think about anyway. I would not advise contacting this guy unless you are truly interested in getting back together with him. It is not fair on him to mess him about.

Edited May 2, 2021 by spiderowl

May 3, 2021

And if you guys got back together, given how chaotic the first round was, further chaos will ensue.

OP, you need to work on your own inner peace and your ability to "regulate" yourself (that's the technical term in psychology for managing emotions as opposed to being stampeded by them).

One cheater does not equal trauma. I dated a woman who trusted me completely. She'd been cheated on multiple times before.

May 3, 2021

On 5/1/2021 at 7:57 PM, missthrowaway said:

I remember saying that I didn't see a future with him and wish he gave me some space. He asked if we could talk and work on things but zi ended up crying and said no. We said goodbyes. We tested a few days after about how our day's were going. Then he text me saying he was drunk but that he missed me and wish we went slow.

That's interesting, that he expressed the wish that the two of you had gone more slowly. I wonder if he's encountered a similar situation, where a woman felt he was moving too fast and lost interest as a result. I think its where otherwise great guys sometimes go wrong...that they just move too quickly and have unrealistic expectations about how quickly they can get that comfortable "in a relationship" feeling. The biggest risk here, as I see it, is that you might unblock and contact him, full of regrets and "you were the perfect guy", that he'll respond positively (and guys can be very forgiving, particularly when it comes to women they really like) and that a couple of months down the line you'll start feeling guilty because once again you're feeling a bit suffocated/needing space. It would be even harder to give him that message a second time, in the wake of a regret filled reunion.

I think you should reflect on why you felt suffocated/deprived of space when you were with him. It's easy to forget what those feelings are like when you're in the midst of "I've thrown something good away" regret...but I've a hunch that this might not be the first time this guy has lost a woman because he didn't give her enough space. It might be that you both have a bit of relationship baggage. While regret filled reunions are a pretty potent thing, they won't necessarily work out if they aren't combined with some mature and open discussion. You like this guy, trust him and had good sex with him...but from the sound of things you felt suffocated at times.

It could be that if you contact him with regrets about what you threw away he'll just say "window of opportunity's closed...sorry." Maybe a more realistic approach would be to first reflect on why you felt deprived of personal space with this guy, and how you might have conveyed that to him in a way that would be honest but minimally hurtful. If he's a genuinely decent guy, then it was extreme to block him on social media - and I think any approach you made would need to own that. I think a lot of people would be understandably shocked and hurt if somebody they dated went so far as to block them on social media. It seems like something to do when you feel harassed by somebody.

It sounds like you need to do some work on communicating. I mean, your posts here are very clear and you convey your thoughts well, but it sounds as though it's a lot harder for you to do that in person with somebody you're dating...like the default position is to go silent and push them away. This guy sounds as though he's patient and willing to put a bit of work into relationships, but there are communication and personal space issues here that wouldn't be resolved overnight (assuming he did want to try again). You can't just keep bouncing between feeling frustrated and pushing a guy away, then feeling guilty and taking on all the blame for things not working out.

May 3, 2021

Sometimes when things are not going well, it's an escape to idealize "the one that got away".

It's not really about him, is it? It's about current problems and unhappiness.

If you feel too anxious, depressed etc for dating, that's ok.

See a physician for an evaluation and referral to a therapist to unpack and sort some of this stuff out.

May 3, 2021

I think this is rather common amongst people that have often been abused one way or another in the past. You get so used to it, it becomes the norm. A nice, decent guy becomes almost "boring", from what I know many turn bitter towards them as well, for reasons I can't really understand.

I think you would benefit a lot from therapy.

May 3, 2021

On 5/1/2021 at 7:57 PM, missthrowaway said:

I have always been treated badly by men that I date. I don't think I'm bad at picking guys, but more often than not I'm hurt by them. My latest bad guy hurt me a lot and I ended up needing help. I was very wary about dating again after. I currently take medication to help with my depression as there's a serious illness in my family, which also helped through my bad relationship.

Early November 2020 I met a guy on tinder. We hit it off well and dated. He treated me so well, helped out, cared for me, made me laugh, was affectionate with me, even made me orgasm really easily, which other guys have really struggled with in the past. I ended up opening up about my issues and he was very understanding.

December 2020 and this nice guy I'm dating loses a close friend to him. I offer to support him but he doesn't really open up. A week later he wants to be exclusive which I agree with but remind him lets not move too fast. The weekend comes round and I'm away over a close girl friend of mine in the countryside. While I was there I hardly messaged the guy at all, and I still don't why, I just didn't have the urge to message him like normal. I felt distant from him. I ended up calling him when I got back to my place at the end of the weekend and end it with him. I remember saying that I didn't see a future with him and wish he gave me some space. He asked if we could talk and work on things but zi ended up crying and said no. We said goodbyes. We tested a few days after about how our day's were going. Then he text me saying he was drunk but that he missed me and wish we went slow. I didn't reply at all. He texted me again 3 days later about a recommendation for something he knew I knew a lot about. I told him it's no good us talking and wished him well and blocked him.

To this day, I don't know why I treated him like that after the break up (blocking him). I don't know why I ended it with him either. I was in a weird place when I ended it with him. I think I was worried of another relationship where things moved fast (as my previous ones ended up me getting abused or manipulated). I still see him as the best guy that I've ever dated by a country mile. My parents loved him and my friends loved how happy he made me.

What's wrong with me? There must be something wrong with me if I ended things with a guy that was and probably still is, the perfect guy for me.

You haven't healed from what happened to you in the past clearly. Also it sounds like you're a fearful avoidant/disorganised attachment type.

Its obvious the way you treated this guy was from a place of fear more than anything else.

I don't think you should reach out to him though as you could potentially act up again. So if i was you I'd work on YOU first before involving anyone else.

Edited May 3, 2021 by peach302

May 3, 2021

On 5/2/2021 at 3:27 AM, missthrowaway said:

The story above makes me seem crazy right? I jumped to conclusions and was able to so easily paint him as another angry man, who does that? He was so willing to help and was so supportive of me and anything I was struggling with - literally he offered to help and support more than all the other men I've dated together, that's how good of a guy he was to me, the exact guy I was looking for.

So to round it off, yes, I punished him. Although in my good days I remember that night as him just disappointed that I jumped the gun, but in my bad days, I was still scared he'd become an angry and controlling guy like the others. And now I'll never truly know, but deep down I have a feeling he would never be an angry controlling man.

Yeah, so just recognize this is an issue for you, consider therapy to help you get past it, and then try to do better next time around (without being a victim again, in case the next guy does turn out to be a problem guy).

Consider if perhaps you push away "nice guys" and accept mean ones for some (presumably unconscious) reason. Another thing to consider and possibly discuss with a therapist.

And I agree part of this does seem to be this guy was moving a bit too fast.

Edited May 3, 2021 by mark clemson

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