Hanging in Posted May 1, 2021 Share Posted May 1, 2021 I found out at the end of March that the love of my life had been cheating on me since we brought our twins home from the hospital, approximately 2 years ago. he would not admit to it, discredited those I was talking to (the women and one angry husband who contacted me) and verbally attacked me both before and after admitting the stories were true. After 2 months that is ALL he will say other than when he told our very angry 16 yro that he basically did this while on duty (firefighter) and most of it was by video through snapchat/Instagram and he mainly did it when things got hard here at home. This all blew up while he was trying to get one of these two women to meet up with him and plan something “for real” and simply didn’t get the chance before he got caught. He has made no effort to answer anything and moved in with his parents. It sounds like he’s too ashamed to work through any of this and after 7 weeks or so he’s just left me hanging. No answers, no apology not even trying to be cordial. He’s hiding behind any scrap of hate he can produce towards me in an effort to rally his team against me which happens to be his family who have become my main supports. This hurts so much. Everyone keeps saying he will have to suffer the consequences of his actions but so far I’m paying for it. I.e. he wanted screenshots for things he sas worried about but adamantly refused to share any with me. He talks about the hardship living at his parents house but has no capacity to understand our position. He acts like the victim and again, hides behind manufactored hate. I guess I’m feeling like I’m bearing the brunt of this “mistake”, and on top of it, I’m still getting buried further from any sort of healing because of how he is acting and treating me. I guess the ideal for me in this situation would be for him to honor the friendship at least & just treat me as a human doing a job made for two (or as is the case with 2yro twins, the job of way more than 2) the lack of respect and responsibility kills me. Thanks for reading, if nothing else I’m just screaming into the void. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted May 1, 2021 Share Posted May 1, 2021 2 hours ago, Hanging in said: He talks about the hardship living at his parents house but has no capacity to understand our position. Sorry this is happening. Where are your family and friends? Move out with your children asap. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hanging in Posted May 1, 2021 Author Share Posted May 1, 2021 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this is happening. Where are your family and friends? Move out with your children asap. As much as I agree with you, I have been financially stunted being the one who has to do all the daycare pickups when “covid” symptoms and allergies collide, daycare vacations and meeting the 5 yro off the bus, I can’t make a safe move without the help of housing assistance which I am waiting on. I used to do 40hrs/ week but am lucky now if I break 28hrs/wk. My family is primarily out of state and my friends are pretty much my ex’s family members. They all have kids so continuously being saddled with kids it was a natural lean. I lost a lot of people the day this relationship hit the rocks. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 1, 2021 Share Posted May 1, 2021 (edited) 6 hours ago, Hanging in said: I guess I’m feeling like I’m bearing the brunt of this “mistake”, and on top of it, I’m still getting buried further from any sort of healing because of how he is acting and treating me. You need to stop engaging with him then. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. It’s unfair, and it sucks! But, if he’s not willing to take responsibility for his actions and do what is required to heal this - there is nothing he could say that would be worth hearing. Unfortunately, the only thing you can do now is to plan for your life without him. I would visit a lawyer if you haven’t done so already. He needs to be paying you child support ASAP!! And I would find some support - find yourself a counsellor. Do whatever you need to limit your contact until he is able to be more respectful. You can communicate through lawyers, family, or text. Don’t engage with him in any way other than to discuss the care of the children. It’s the best, the only, thing you can do now. Edited May 1, 2021 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted May 1, 2021 Share Posted May 1, 2021 It's unlikely that he's going to "honour the friendship". He's not going to change and is only angry because he was caught, not because of the impact it has on the family. Write as you need here but don't make the mistake that this is the end. Call on your support networks as you need to, speak with a lawyer in private and explain your situation. Find out what your options are. Figure out what you need to do to let go and find your independence away from this relationship and how to work out custody. His family will always lean towards and support him, not you, if push comes to shove. Where is your family? Are you alone in this area or country? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hanging in Posted May 2, 2021 Author Share Posted May 2, 2021 22 hours ago, BaileyB said: You need to stop engaging with him then. I’m so sorry this has happened to you. It’s unfair, and it sucks! But, if he’s not willing to take responsibility for his actions and do what is required to heal this - there is nothing he could say that would be worth hearing. Unfortunately, the only thing you can do now is to plan for your life without him. I would visit a lawyer if you haven’t done so already. He needs to be paying you child support ASAP!! And I would find some support - find yourself a counsellor. Do whatever you need to limit your contact until he is able to be more respectful. You can communicate through lawyers, family, or text. Don’t engage with him in any way other than to discuss the care of the children. It’s the best, the only, thing you can do now. This is just the simple truth, you are right. There is no sincerity behind his words so he shouldn’t waste them, it’s just been so crazy making. I have what I need for the court, consulted a lawyer, am already set up weekly with a great counselor...I spent a month in a state of shock and tried to just remain as whole and gentle as possible with the kids and am now feeling ready for the next step. I have a long road ahead of me for healing but I want to feel like a person again. Fill my kids hearts with love and safe , predictable routine and the same for myself honestly. Thank you for your thoughts. It’s all helping me process and I’m grateful for that! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hanging in Posted May 2, 2021 Author Share Posted May 2, 2021 20 hours ago, glows said: It's unlikely that he's going to "honour the friendship". He's not going to change and is only angry because he was caught, not because of the impact it has on the family. Write as you need here but don't make the mistake that this is the end. Call on your support networks as you need to, speak with a lawyer in private and explain your situation. Find out what your options are. Figure out what you need to do to let go and find your independence away from this relationship and how to work out custody. His family will always lean towards and support him, not you, if push comes to shove. Where is your family? Are you alone in this area or country? My family is out of state. yes I am “alone”, I am surrounded by his family because they were my main supports since My ex had mental health issues preventing him from helping with the kids...(i’m not bitter or anything) and my main social contacts. I know my role, as a mom I’m under no illusion who I would support should one of my kids pull something like this but only when push comes to shove. Having said that, i work for a family matters law firm, I have what I need for custody and that has been the “shove” his family needed to realign with him. I’m not even mad, I get it. Just genuinely at a loss right now that I opened a facebook message on 3/22/21 and my whole life was lost in a single evening., not just my ex which was hard enough but all of them like, 15 people. I am Staggering to the light at the end of the tunnel but dammit, I am actually a good woman and will find my way out of this as wholehearted as I can. Thank you for your thoughts, it is so helpful to me for processing. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 2, 2021 Share Posted May 2, 2021 51 minutes ago, Hanging in said: I spent a month in a state of shock and tried to just remain as whole and gentle as possible with the kids and am now feeling ready for the next step. I have a long road ahead of me for healing but I want to feel like a person again. Fill my kids hearts with love and safe , predictable routine and the same for myself honestly. I think it’s entirely understandable that you have been in a state of shock. It’s a lot to wrap your mind around and it takes time to adjust to the new reality. If it’s any comfort, I think you’ve done well in the steps you’ve taken to start thinking/planning for the future. It’s a journey and no doubt, there will be steps forward and setbacks. I wish you all the best as you work to build a different and hopefully very healthy and happy future for yourself and your children. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hanging in Posted May 2, 2021 Author Share Posted May 2, 2021 2 hours ago, BaileyB said: I think it’s entirely understandable that you have been in a state of shock. It’s a lot to wrap your mind around and it takes time to adjust to the new reality. If it’s any comfort, I think you’ve done well in the steps you’ve taken to start thinking/planning for the future. It’s a journey and no doubt, there will be steps forward and setbacks. I wish you all the best as you work to build a different and hopefully very healthy and happy future for yourself and your children. Thank you so much. I’m grateful for your encouragement ❤️ Link to post Share on other sites
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