d0nnivain Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 7 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said: I just know he had police gear, badge and gun laid out when I arrived at his house. I'm sure with your military background that didn't phase you but if I arrived at a new man's house & saw a gun I would have run screaming out the door, literally. If nothing else he's an ass for not using good gun safety. Why the heck wasn't a service weapon locked up in a gun safe? I don't date stupid reckless people & you shouldn't either. You are damn lucky that this did go horribly wrong. Please dial up your skepticism, alertness & situational awareness. If you are so trusting at work, you are going to get yourself & your unit killed. I'm not kidding. 3
FMW Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 @Skittle2021, I think what you should take from all the responses - including the ones you completely disagree with - is that not everyone sees things the same way. Enough people have chimed in here to make that clear. I really don't think it's an issue of others not understanding what you're saying. They just don't agree with your view. It's nice that your guy friends support you and agree with your position, but it's also important to look at different opinions. That's why it's great that you posted here, soliciting those other opinions so that you can be aware of them. This particular situation is over and done, no need for you to cast blame either on the guy or on yourself. But hopefully you will learn something from it that helps in the future. I really do think the guy took your final texts as pressure, no matter how much you challenge that he had any reason to see it that way. That (and the need to be more aware of sexual expectations) is a part of your story that remains the same, whether or not he was lying about being CIA, or if he was just after sex, and regardless of the fact that ghosting is rude. 8
Author Skittle2021 Posted May 2, 2021 Author Posted May 2, 2021 1 minute ago, d0nnivain said: I'm sure with your military background that didn't phase you but if I arrived at a new man's house & saw a gun I would have run screaming out the door, literally. If nothing else he's an ass for not using good gun safety. Why the heck wasn't a service weapon locked up in a gun safe? I don't date stupid reckless people & you shouldn't either. You are damn lucky that this did go horribly wrong. Please dial up your skepticism, alertness & situational awareness. If you are so trusting at work, you are going to get yourself & your unit killed. I'm not kidding. no it didn't phase me at all. Have aa license to carry and I don't leave mine locked in a safe. I leave them all around my house in case i need to use them. The way his gear was laid out was was if he has just come home from work and didn't have time to put everything away. I am not very trusting at work. It doesn't look like it to you from the choice I made but I have very good situational awareness and did not sense any danger with it at all.
d0nnivain Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 (edited) Leaving a loaded firearm around in your house where you can access it is one thing (I still disagree with that but . . .) Leaving a loaded firearm around & letting a stranger into your house is reckless. @Skittle2021 just take some of that tactical training & awareness with you on dates. The field of battle may be different but both your work & adult dating are filed with minefields. Edited May 2, 2021 by d0nnivain 1
peach302 Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 36 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said: you obviously didnt read anything I wrote so im not even going to respond to this. Ive explained this more than once. I've reread what youve written. Ok he asked for clarity and you gave it to him. Following that he didn't reply. Three days later you referred back to the Same question which you didn't get an answer for. May be hounding is a strong word but you came across pushy there. I think you have yourself forgotten what you wrote in your original post. Also "playful" or not ..you also questioned how he took three hours to reply to you. Three hours is reasonable when people have lives and careers. You came across needy whether you admit to it or not.. He picked up on these things. 1
Author Skittle2021 Posted May 2, 2021 Author Posted May 2, 2021 1 minute ago, FMW said: @Skittle2021, I think what you should take from all the responses - including the ones you completely disagree with - is that not everyone sees things the same way. Enough people have chimed in here to make that clear. I really don't think it's an issue of others not understanding what you're saying. They just don't agree with your view. It's nice that your guy friends support you and agree with your position, but it's also important to look at different opinions. That's why it's great that you posted here, soliciting those other opinions so that you can be aware of them. This particular situation is over and done, no need for you to cast blame either on the guy or on yourself. But hopefully you will learn something from it that helps in the future. I really do think the guy took your final texts as pressure, no matter how much you challenge that he had any reason to see it that way. That (and the need to be more aware of sexual expectations) is a part of your story that remains the same, whether or not he was lying about being CIA, or if he was just after sex, and regardless of the fact that ghosting is rude. I agree, and if he did take my question as pressure even after him asking for that then he isn't someone I want to be involved with anyway. I like strong men who can be as blunt as I am and doesn't run from conflict especially something as stupid as the. After years of dating an Alpha male, i learned alot about how a real man operates. (Not saying that all Alpha males are real men) I am more disappointed than anything in this whole situation. if I could post the text messages you would understand better where I was coming from. As my male friends put it "that a dumb reason to ghost a girl, if anything it shows that she likes you, and if sex was his objective, that was even more of a reason not to ghost because she was interested and she spent the night which would mean she was giving you san open invitation for you to try again" <<<< those were the exact words. another said, "if I didnt mean what I said, I would have just said I was joking, you gave him a very easy out. It's not like you asked him, what are you doing every week, you want to hand out, no, you asked HIM if he was serious about that statement and there was nothing wrong with that"... There are many ways to look at it and I accepted that. I also know that men and women look at things differently. I don't see that any different than me asking him what he was looking for... I portably would have been accused of being too needy for asking that when in all actuality that is somehing that should be asked to ensure you are both on the same page. As stated earlier, If he faults me for for following up on something he said then oh well, I can accept that. Its the silence that was hard to accept and had me genuinely concerned if something happened to him at one point..
Author Skittle2021 Posted May 2, 2021 Author Posted May 2, 2021 (edited) 6 minutes ago, peach302 said: I've reread what youve written. Ok he asked for clarity and you gave it to him. Following that he didn't reply. Three days later you referred back to the Same question which you didn't get an answer for. May be hounding is a strong word but you came across pushy there. I think you have yourself forgotten what you wrote in your original post. Also "playful" or not ..you also questioned how he took three hours to reply to you. Three hours is reasonable when people have lives and careers. You came across needy whether you admit to it or not.. He picked up on these things. I have always questioned his lack of response in hours since I first met him.he always found it funny. That is nothing new and it didn't scare him away any other time. Same with following up on something he didn't respond to days later. Something that he has asked me to do because he may forget to respond. Like I said you dont know the ins and outs of the entire relationship. I acted as I always did. what I have been trying to convey is that what I have been doing and how I acted has been normal for us. This is why I felt comfortable doing it and thought nothing of it. Edited May 2, 2021 by Skittle2021
Author Skittle2021 Posted May 2, 2021 Author Posted May 2, 2021 9 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Leaving a loaded firearm around in your house where you can access it is one thing (I still disagree with that but . . .) Leaving a loaded firearm around & letting a stranger into your house is reckless. @Skittle2021 just take some of that tactical training & awareness with you on dates. The field of battle may be different but both your work & adult dating are filed with minefields. haha, I never looked at it that way. I really dont think he left it out on purpose. going to his house wasn't planned by either of us so I assume he would have put it and all his other gear away had he known I was going to come over.
peach302 Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 (edited) 7 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said: I have always questioned his lack of response in hours since I first met him.he always found it funny. That is nothing new and it didn't scare him away any other time. Same with following up on something he didn't respond to days later. Something that he has asked me to do because he may forget to respond. Like I said you dont know the ins and outs of the entire relationship. I acted as I always did. What relationship? You had ONE date! You can't define this as a relationship before you guys even met each other. I've met people online...and we've messaged on and off for months even. I don't think I'd ever have used the word 'relationship' to define text messages sent before a meeting. Im only saying so because i highly doubt he views it that way. Edited May 2, 2021 by peach302 2
elaine567 Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 On 5/1/2021 at 12:11 PM, Skittle2021 said: then, he started kissing on my neck and rubbing on my back, it got pretty intense and we were both super horny, but I stopped it. This was his big play for sex and you didn't give in, despite all that flirting and you crossing every hurdle on the way to sex... He, I am sure, thought he was onto a sure thing and you still reneged. You led him on a right merry dance... I guess thinking about it next day, he got annoyed at being played, and not wanting to repeat the experience, he ghosted you. 4
Stupidkupid Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 6 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said: haha, I never looked at it that way. I really dont think he left it out on purpose. going to his house wasn't planned by either of us so I assume he would have put it and all his other gear away had he known I was going to come over. Its interesting you say this but based on his behaviour he would have been hoping you'd be going back so leaving it out is odd. I'm from the UK so the firearm thibg blows my mind anyway. I see a gun, I am out. 2
Author Skittle2021 Posted May 2, 2021 Author Posted May 2, 2021 1 minute ago, peach302 said: What relationship? You had ONE date! You can't define this as a relationship before you guys even met each other. I've met people online...and we've messaged on and off for months even. I don't think I'd ever have used the word 'relationship' before we have even met one another. you know what I meant. I didn't use it for it to be taken literally. Maybe a better word would be situationship. Regardless it sums up all interactions since day one. Our conversations phone or text, had never been serious.
peach302 Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 1 minute ago, elaine567 said: This was his big play for sex and you didn't give in, despite all that flirting and you crossing every hurdle on the way to sex... He, I am sure, thought he was onto a sure thing and you still reneged. You led him on a right merry dance... I guess thinking about it next day, he got annoyed at being played, and not wanting to repeat the experience, he ghosted you. If a man genuinely likes and has respect for a woman. Some thing like that wouldn't be a turn off..unless he was just in it to get physical with her. 1
elaine567 Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 (edited) 6 minutes ago, peach302 said: If a man genuinely likes and has respect for a woman. Some thing like that wouldn't be a turn off..unless he was just in it to get physical with her. Well it is kinda obvious that he was. He spent all evening trying to coax her into bed... Edited May 2, 2021 by elaine567 3
Author Skittle2021 Posted May 2, 2021 Author Posted May 2, 2021 2 minutes ago, elaine567 said: This was his big play for sex and you didn't give in, despite all that flirting and you crossing every hurdle on the way to sex... He, I am sure, thought he was onto a sure thing and you still reneged. You led him on a right merry dance... I guess thinking about it next day, he got annoyed at being played, and not wanting to repeat the experience, he ghosted you. Probably. My stance was this: I am not a casual hook up girl, no FWB or none of that. Knowing that he may thing that I wasnt serious by going to his house and being in his bed, I felt that if he took the chance to try and fail even after me verbalizing I wasn't down, then it was on him. I was probably wrong in that thinking but that is how it was. If he started a fire without being certain he could put it out, that was all on him. I understand now that I had a part in it too but I certainly didnt see it that way before writing this post.
Author Skittle2021 Posted May 2, 2021 Author Posted May 2, 2021 5 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said: Its interesting you say this but based on his behaviour he would have been hoping you'd be going back so leaving it out is odd. I'm from the UK so the firearm thibg blows my mind anyway. I see a gun, I am out. LOL!! I so desensitized to firearms its sad. 1
peach302 Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 3 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said: you know what I meant. I didn't use it for it to be taken literally. Maybe a better word would be situationship. Regardless it sums up all interactions since day one. Our conversations phone or text, had never been serious. Ok but once you start meeting one another its potentially more serious. So you mentioning the time he takes to respond and all that..he could take it the wrong way. 1
peach302 Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 4 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said: Probably. My stance was this: I am not a casual hook up girl, no FWB or none of that. Knowing that he may thing that I wasnt serious by going to his house and being in his bed, I felt that if he took the chance to try and fail even after me verbalizing I wasn't down, then it was on him. I was probably wrong in that thinking but that is how it was. If he started a fire without being certain he could put it out, that was all on him. I understand now that I had a part in it too but I certainly didnt see it that way before writing this post. I think you made the mistake of not realising his true intentions from before. You should have asked him from the get go.
d0nnivain Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 (edited) 20 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said: haha, I never looked at it that way. I really dont think he left it out on purpose. going to his house wasn't planned by either of us so I assume he would have put it and all his other gear away had he known I was going to come over. Maybe. . . I still think this may have been a set up. There are women called Badge Bunnies who get all hot & bothered over a man in law enforcement. But even if he accidently left the gun out because he was rushing to get your date, common sense says you lock it up when a stranger comes over. I suppose he could have thought it was OK because you are military. Still if it wasn't locked up & was stolen in a burglary at his place, don't you think the agency would look down on that? I can assure you that if you lose a military issued weapon because you were too lazy to properly secure it before heading out, you will at least face a formal inquiry if not an outright court martial. Maybe it's time to re-sensatize yourself to how dangerous firearms are. My husband is a veteran but I still HATE guns. Believe me if one was left lying around our house, after I locked it up, we'd have a HUGE fight. I am glad that you are catching on to your role in this. However at this point this is guy is a dead horse. Going forward I think you will have a healthier dose of skepticism & be more reserved, Edited May 2, 2021 by d0nnivain
Author Skittle2021 Posted May 2, 2021 Author Posted May 2, 2021 2 minutes ago, peach302 said: Ok but once you start meeting one another its potentially more serious. So you mentioning the time he takes to respond and all that..he could take it the wrong way. I can see that now. I really didn't think he would switch it up on me like that. Especially if what everyone is saying is true, that all he wanted was sex. That's still causal so why would he be upset if "I would be potentially be offering him another chance to "try" at having sex with me again". think about it, if you were a man that a wanted just sex, would you care about her being so called needy and wanting too hang out once a week. Probably not, you would just use her an tolerate it until you got what you wanted. right? on the contrary, to me once a week is the total opposite of needy. I would think needy would be every day or multiple days a week.
Author Skittle2021 Posted May 2, 2021 Author Posted May 2, 2021 2 minutes ago, peach302 said: I think you made the mistake of not realising his true intentions from before. You should have asked him from the get go. I should have. I thought we we're just going to watch movies, I wasn't even thinking like that to ask.
peach302 Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 1 minute ago, Skittle2021 said: I can see that now. I really didn't think he would switch it up on me like that. Especially if what everyone is saying is true, that all he wanted was sex. That's still causal so why would he be upset if "I would be potentially be offering him another chance to "try" at having sex with me again". think about it, if you were a man that a wanted just sex, would you care about her being so called needy and wanting too hang out once a week. Probably not, you would just use her an tolerate it until you got what you wanted. right? on the contrary, to me once a week is the total opposite of needy. I would think needy would be every day or multiple days a week. A no strings attached situation is i would assume something a guy would want without a headache. Especially when there are plenty of women out there who would be down for that without the constant why didnt you reply for x amount of hours text.
Author Skittle2021 Posted May 2, 2021 Author Posted May 2, 2021 (edited) 7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Maybe. . . I still this may have been a set up. There are women called Badge Bunnies who get all hot & bothered over a man in law enforcement. But even if he accidently left the gun out because he was rushing to get your date, common sense says you lock it up when a stranger comes over. I suppose he could have thought it was OK because you are military. Still if it wasn't locked up & was stolen in a burglary at his place, don't you think the agency would look down on that? I can assure you that if you lose a military issued women because you were too lazy to properly secure it you will at least face a formal inquiry if not an outright court martial. Maybe it's time to re-sensatize yourself to how dangerous firearms are. My husband is a veteran but I still HATE guns. Believe me if one was left lying around our house, after I locked it up, we'd have a HUGE fight. I am glad that you are catching on to your role in this. However at this point this is guy is a dead horse. Going forward I think you will have a healthier dose of skepticism & be more reserved, yes, I would be court martial'd if something happened to my fire arm. You do bring up a good point about women and badges. I guess I completely overlooked that because that is the norm for me being in the military. That had no affect on me whatsoever. I will definitely be more reserved going forward. Edited May 2, 2021 by Skittle2021
Author Skittle2021 Posted May 2, 2021 Author Posted May 2, 2021 Just now, peach302 said: A no strings attached situation is i would assume something a guy would want without a headache. Especially when there are plenty of women out there who would be down for that without the constant why didnt you reply for x amount of hours text. As he said that night, he was looking for a relationship. I completely misread him. he was trying to get it on with me and seems to think (from our talk) that having sex first before a relationship is the best way to gauge compatibility. Of course I disagreed with this.
peach302 Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 2 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said: As he said that night, he was looking for a relationship. I completely misread him. he was trying to get it on with me and seems to think (from our talk) that having sex first before a relationship is the best way to gauge compatibility. Of course I disagreed with this. is that what he said? Ok its pretty obvious from that statement. Anyone who respects themselves would not engage with a guy like that again. 1
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