Author Skittle2021 Posted May 1, 2021 Author Posted May 1, 2021 3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: With a guy like this and the CIA story, recent "ex", first date, etc., it wouldn't have mattered what you did/didn't do, the end result would be the same. Don't beat yourself up, you dodged a bullet. thank you. I was thinking this and if I had given in, I would have been feeling way worse. 1 1
ExpatInItaly Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 (edited) 26 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said: They said he is probably really busy or upset that I did not put out and probably moved on to someone who will. If he's on a dating app, it could also well be that he hasn't moved on, so to speak, but has always been talking to a couple of different women at once and feels a stronger click with someone else. I still find it bizarre that he mentioned "movie buddy" night as a once a week or once a month idea. Once a month? This guy is not looking to date you. Maybe have some regular sex. I therefore wouldn't be upset by his current silence. Edited May 1, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 1
Author Skittle2021 Posted May 1, 2021 Author Posted May 1, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, introverted1 said: Either he is totally clueless or else he would have to be aware that you were "super horny" and that you wanted "to give in" but didn't. I'm also confused when you say that it was all one-sided and that there was no touching on your end. So while you "watched movies all night with heavy flirting to include, tickling, teasing, play hitting etc" you didn't reciprocate at all? Just sat there looking straight ahead at the movie with no verbal or physical response? I'm not trying to come down on you, but from what you've written, it seems as though you participated in the flirting/tickling/teasing. You allowed him to massage your legs. "He took my hand and walked me to his bedroom" - this is the prelude to sex in 1,000 rom-coms! Would any of the above have happened with a new female friend? Again... it's ok to want to be friends. And it's ok to want to want a relationship. Heck, it is ok to have a ONS or first-date sex if that is what you are cool with. But you are telling us you just wanted friendship while your actions signaled something very different. I did not tickle him, I did tease (verbally) and did hit him back when he hit me. none of that to me is sexual, it is playful and friendly. I did allow him to massage my legs because I didnt see anything wrong with that either. the hand holding to the room, may have implied something sexual to him, but again nothing happened. I just went to sleep because I was too tired to drive. I still don't see how MY actions suggested anything aside from me falling asleep in his bed, in which I still conducted myself respectfully. I did not reciprocate any of his advances at all. Edited May 1, 2021 by Skittle2021
Author Skittle2021 Posted May 1, 2021 Author Posted May 1, 2021 2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: If he's on a dating app, it could also well be that he hasn't moved on, so to speak, but has always been talking to a couple of different women at once and feels a stronger click with someone else. I still find it bizarre that he mentioned "movie buddy" night as a once a week or once a month idea. Once a month? This guy is not looking to date you. Maybe have some regular sex. I therefore wouldn't be upset by his current silence. I see that now. Sex without a commitment is something I don't do and was very verbal about that.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 (edited) Well, if anything, pro tip for the future: don't let a stranger lead you by the hand into his bedroom the first time you meet him. It sends the very messages that you are trying to avoid. Edited May 1, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 5 1
Author Skittle2021 Posted May 1, 2021 Author Posted May 1, 2021 1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said: Well, if anything, pro tip for the future: don't let a stranger lead you by the hand into his bedroom the first time you meet him. It sends the very messages that you are trying to avoid. even if nothing happened? its obvious that he got the wrong message.
Acacia98 Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 (edited) IMO, the three most important lessons to take home from this are 1. You should end a first date at a reasonable time and not go to the guy's place. 2. You should date other guys at the same time so that if/when one guy ghosts you, it doesn't bruise your ego that much. 3. Practice interpreting words or situations as a person other than yourself might see them. Having said that, I dont think this guy was a serious potential boyfriend. People who set things up to explain extended disappearances or silences ahead of time are often manipulating you into accepting behavior you wouldn't normally be okay with. Edited to add: By the way, some guys go quiet for long stretches of time as a way of making the woman insecure or uncertain. As a consequence, if she was reluctant to, say, have sex, she may be so relieved when he reappears that she'll be willing to have sex. I'm not saying that's definitely what's happening here. Just pointing it out so that you dont allow a guy's silence to make you so anxious in future. Edited May 1, 2021 by Acacia98 4
jspice Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 47 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said: even if nothing happened? its obvious that he got the wrong message. No, you sent the wrong message. I don’t agree with everyone else that your texts were needy. I don’t agree that your next day behaviour was “wrong” but if you really can’t see how going to a man’s bedroom is NOT saying you’re up for sex then you probably shouldn’t be dating. Most people believe that just going to someone’s house is a tacit agreement to sex. I don’t. But you lose me at going into his bedroom. Again, as I said in the first post, he’s not responding because he wanted sex and you didn’t put out. There’s nothing more to analyse. 5
Author Skittle2021 Posted May 1, 2021 Author Posted May 1, 2021 9 minutes ago, Acacia98 said: IMO, the three most important lessons to take home from this are 1. You should end a first date at a reasonable time and not go to the guy's place. 2. You should date other guys at the same time so that if/when one guy ghosts you, it doesn't bruise your ego that much. 3. Practice interpreting words or situations as a person other than yourself might see them. Having said that, I dont think this guy was a serious potential boyfriend. People who set things up to explain extended disappearances or silences ahead of time are often manipulating you into accepting behavior you wouldn't normally be okay with. Edited to add: By the way, some guys go quiet for long stretches of time as a way of making the woman insecure or uncertain. As a consequence, if she was reluctant to, say, have sex, she may be so relieved when he reappears that, she'll be willing to have sex. I'm not saying that's definitely what's happening here. Just pointing it out so that you dont allow a guy's silence to make you so anxious in future. Thank you, I will be aware of it and I appreciate it. I don't want to play games and I dont want to be with anyone who plays games. he probably is trying to manipulate me but I wont let him get the best of me. I feel comfortable now cutting my loses and moving on. 1
Author Skittle2021 Posted May 1, 2021 Author Posted May 1, 2021 9 minutes ago, jspice said: No, you sent the wrong message. I don’t agree with everyone else that your texts were needy. I don’t agree that your next day behaviour was “wrong” but if you really can’t see how going to a man’s bedroom is NOT saying you’re up for sex then you probably shouldn’t be dating. Most people believe that just going to someone’s house is a tacit agreement to sex. I don’t. But you lose me at going into his bedroom. Again, as I said in the first post, he’s not responding because he wanted sex and you didn’t put out. There’s nothing more to analyse. I do see that going to his bedroom is saying i'm up for sex, I just knew that I wasn't going to and it wasn't my reason for going. I am now convinced that I dodged a bullet. 3
ExpatInItaly Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 1 hour ago, Skittle2021 said: even if nothing happened? its obvious that he got the wrong message. Skittle, I am assuming you're not a naive woman. As such, I can't fathom how you don't see your role in the sending the wrong message here. Your words and actions don't line up. Don't want casual sex? No problem at all. But then don't be following a guy into his bed. You're not this inexperienced with men, are you? 6 1
ExpatInItaly Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 4 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said: I just knew that I wasn't going to and it wasn't my reason for going. Fair enough, but he is not you. He does not know you and cannot read your mind. You would be wise to try to step outside yourself here and consider how your actions and intentions could easily be misinterpreted by another person. 2
Versacehottie Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 you are being illogical and naive about how most dating goes. if you did NOTHING wrong why do you have the result you have with him? see? doesn't compute...i can see you're off onto your own narrative and ego trip though. 5 1
Author Skittle2021 Posted May 1, 2021 Author Posted May 1, 2021 Just now, ExpatInItaly said: Skittle, I am assuming you're not a naive woman. As such, I can't fathom how you don't see your role in the sending the wrong message here. Your words and actions don't line up. Don't want casual sex? No problem at all. But then don't be following a guy into his bed. You're not this inexperienced with men, are you? I don't know why this matters if nothing happened. if I go into his room whether is implies I want to it not and it doesn't happen, wouldn't that hold more weight then the perception. I am aware of what his thoughts may have been but like I have said multiple times and to him that it wasn't going to happen and I meant it. I said I wasn't a hook up girl, casual sex girl or FWB girl and I proved it so is it just the action of me going to his room that makes it contradict? I would think my actions in the room were equally telling that I meant what I said inspite of being in his room and in his bed.
Author Skittle2021 Posted May 1, 2021 Author Posted May 1, 2021 2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Fair enough, but he is not you. He does not know you and cannot read your mind. You would be wise to try to step outside yourself here and consider how your actions and intentions could easily be misinterpreted by another person. I get that now.
Alpacalia Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 There is no "bullet dodged" excluding the chance that he lied about his job to get you into bed and then using that as an excuse to not contact you after that. He didn't call you afterwards, he didn't make any false plans for the future. You went over to his house on the first date and cuddled and played tickle me elmo games and he was probably hoping for sex. 1
Author Skittle2021 Posted May 1, 2021 Author Posted May 1, 2021 1 minute ago, Versacehottie said: you are being illogical and naive about how most dating goes. if you did NOTHING wrong why do you have the result you have with him? see? doesn't compute...i can see you're off onto your own narrative and ego trip though. Your statement implies that I had to actually do something wrong to get ghosted and to be honest I have learned on here that that isn't the truth. I don't think I did anything wrong. There are things I shouldn't have done yes but I have not done anything wrong. He could have acted this way regardless if I went to his house or not, had sex with him or not or even asked that silly question or not. I feel like the outcome would have still been the same. I do think its because he thought he was going to get some and it didnt happen despite being at his house and in his bed. He was shut down cold. It may not even have anything to do with the question now that I think about it because he was still responding to me. I think his intention was to always ghost me he just found a more convenient way of doing it because he doesn't want to waste anymore time on a woman who wont put out.
Author Skittle2021 Posted May 1, 2021 Author Posted May 1, 2021 2 minutes ago, Alpaca said: There is no "bullet dodged" excluding the chance that he lied about his job to get you into bed and then using that as an excuse to not contact you after that. He didn't call you afterwards, he didn't make any false plans for the future. You went over to his house on the first date and cuddled and played tickle me elmo games and he was probably hoping for sex. how is that not dodging a bullet?
introverted1 Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 1 hour ago, Skittle2021 said: I did not tickle him, I did tease (verbally) and did hit him back when he hit me. none of that to me is sexual, it is playful and friendly. I did allow him to massage my legs because I didnt see anything wrong with that either. the hand holding to the room, may have implied something sexual to him, but again nothing happened. I just went to sleep because I was too tired to drive. I still don't see how MY actions suggested anything aside from me falling asleep in his bed, in which I still conducted myself respectfully. I did not reciprocate any of his advances at all. Skittle, Your OP uses the words cuddling tickling intense leg massage kissing my neck heavy flirting super horny wanted to give in This all sounds pretty MUTUAL to me, especially when combined with the fact that you slept in his bed. I don't know if you are either exceedingly naive (hard to believe since it appears you have to be at least in your mid-30s) or trying to rewrite the night. If it's the former, you probably shouldn't date until you gain some street smarts. If you truly don't understand how your participation in the list of activities you outlined would lead a man to think you were interested in more than friendship, you are in no position to be alone with men. And if it's that you are trying to rewrite the night to cast yourself in a better light, most here will see through that. 8 1
Alpacalia Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said: how is that not dodging a bullet? Dodging a bullet means that you averted a potentially disastrous situation. But, you were still an active participant in that situation by putting yourself in that environment. But if you mean sleeping with him and never hearing from him again, then you might claim you succeeded in "dodging a bullet." Edited May 1, 2021 by Alpaca
Author Skittle2021 Posted May 1, 2021 Author Posted May 1, 2021 (edited) 10 minutes ago, introverted1 said: Skittle, Your OP uses the words cuddling tickling intense leg massage kissing my neck heavy flirting super horny wanted to give in This all sounds pretty MUTUAL to me, especially when combined with the fact that you slept in his bed. I don't know if you are either exceedingly naive (hard to believe since it appears you have to be at least in your mid-30s) or trying to rewrite the night. If it's the former, you probably shouldn't date until you gain some street smarts. If you truly don't understand how your participation in the list of activities you outlined would lead a man to think you were interested in more than friendship, you are in no position to be alone with men. And if it's that you are trying to rewrite the night to cast yourself in a better light, most here will see through that. In a better light of what? I didn't do anything. I don't need to hide anything and I didn't say anything about not understanding how he would think I would want more than friendship by going to his house and room. I didnt really care what he thought because I know what I thought and I knew that sex was not an option and held true to that. cuddling ok...still nothing happened, him tickling me is playful.. so what... intense flirting again so what...leg massage...so what None of those things meant anything to me. Kissing my neck, I did have a problem with and stopped it cold. yes I was super horny by him doing that, thats me being honest.... still nothing happened. wanting to give in....is a human emotion, i'm human, again still nothing happened. where do I need to paint myself in a better light? I was never in a dark light. I didnt roll around in the bed with the man kissing and touching him, I wasn't naked, I wasn't doing any of that stuff. so what part of the night am I trying to rewrite. you keep saying these things as though I slept with the man and am now trying to understand why I feel discarded when in the midst of all of that I held true to not having sex and I didnt. what did I lose exactly? I can definitely see how that can be considered as being a tease but he didnt conquer a thing. Edited May 1, 2021 by Skittle2021
ExpatInItaly Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 16 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said: I don't know why this matters if nothing happened. Because you keeping saying he got the wrong message. You had a role in it too, so I am not sure why you want to continue to put that all on him. It wouldn't matter if you didn't try to present it as being a big misunderstanding on his part. I'll say it again: don't follow a guy into his bed if you don't want him to think you might now be open to having sex. 5
Author Skittle2021 Posted May 1, 2021 Author Posted May 1, 2021 1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said: Because you keeping saying he got the wrong message. You had a role in it too, so I am not sure why you want to continue to put that all on him. It wouldn't matter if you didn't try to present it as being a big misunderstanding on his part. I'll say it again: don't follow a guy into his bed if you don't want him to think you might now be open to having sex. ok I get it. Yes I did have a role in that.
Versacehottie Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 20 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said: Your statement implies that I had to actually do something wrong to get ghosted and to be honest I have learned on here that that isn't the truth. I don't think I did anything wrong. There are things I shouldn't have done yes but I have not done anything wrong. He could have acted this way regardless if I went to his house or not, had sex with him or not or even asked that silly question or not. I feel like the outcome would have still been the same. I do think its because he thought he was going to get some and it didnt happen despite being at his house and in his bed. He was shut down cold. It may not even have anything to do with the question now that I think about it because he was still responding to me. I think his intention was to always ghost me he just found a more convenient way of doing it because he doesn't want to waste anymore time on a woman who wont put out. I'm not just implying it. I will outright say it to be crystal clear: you did something wrong to get ghosted. 1
Author Skittle2021 Posted May 1, 2021 Author Posted May 1, 2021 Just now, Versacehottie said: I'm not just implying it. I will outright say it to be crystal clear: you did something wrong to get ghosted. I disagree with you.
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