He suddenly stopped answering my text after the first date

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, Skittle2021 said:

 Again I don't think I am acting needy because I didn't do anything differently than what I did before the first date.

When you do online dating, at the moment you meet face to face, everything that was said before that meeting doesn't count anymore. We read 100s of stories about women/men coming on here after a first meeting and saying 'but he contacted me every day before meeting' or 'he was so XYZ before meeting'. 

[Skittle2021]

4 minutes ago, FMW said:

I think even platonic friends, especially early in the friendship, might feel a little pressured by someone appearing to try to establish a standing date to get together every week, even if they had been the one to throw the idea out in passing.  It takes a while for relationships, whether platonic or romantic, to reach a comfort level for those things.

But I don't want you to feel like you're being battered by all our responses.  It's great that you reached out and asked for the opinion of others.  Going forward, it's usually best to not take things said in the beginning too seriously, and to slow down and see how things go.  Always err on the side of assuming that invitations to someone's home when you've just met are likely to come with the expectation that sex is an option.  Certainly realize that physical contact, no matter how innocent it may seem (massaging your leg), and getting into someone's bed are going to be seen as green lights for something more.  

Try to relax and enjoy meeting new guys.  If they mention getting together again (without definite plans), leave it up to them to follow up.

I agree that it's rude for people to just ignore and ghost.  Unfortunately, it happens frequently, especially when things are new and not well established.  It's not worth your time to wonder why.      

There are good guys out there that you will connect with, so don't be discouraged. Just take what you learn and apply to future experiences.  

Thank you so much. I should not have gone to his house even when I was reluctant to do so. I thought since I wouldn't allow anything too happen it would not alter his perception. I guess that was dumb on my part. I will try not to beat myself up too bad over this and bee positive going forward.

[Skittle2021]

14 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

The sentence Friendship but open to relationship is notorious on dating sites to mean *sex without commitment*. Serious daters looking for a long term relationship would never associate with a person saying 'friendship but open to a relationship'. Apparently this guy has been dating for a while and he viewed it the way all of us experienced daters view it. 

If your end goal is to find a serious commited relationship then you are looking to *date*, not for a friendship. You want to date with the intent of a relationship, this way you will be taken more seriously. 

That is what I told him. There is a lot of assumptions going on here. I did not put on my dating profile that I am looking for friendship. it says im looking for a relationship. we talked about this and I explained to him what I meant. he is fully aware that my  intent on building a friendship foundation is to progress it to an actual commitment. 

[Versacehottie]

2 hours ago, Skittle2021 said:

but me being in his bed is really not the issue because nothing happened. It's about the text message or lack thereof. Even if he told me he wasn't interested I would have been fine. Its the not knowing that im having a hard time dealing with. Im struggling with is he really unreachable and no access to his phone right now or is that he just isn't interested anymore. what if I write him off and he really is doing CIA stuff that he hasn't been near his phone. That is my dilemma. 

Wrong.  You are taking this too literal.  He's likely reacting (or lack of reaction because he is not replying) to your EXPECTATIONS. Especially considering the content of your text messages the mornin after, which is indicating that indeed you have expectations--outsized ones at that.

If you were joking about the comment "did you really mean it", best to have those type of conversations in person or on the phone, so a person can hear your intonation etc.  vs in black and white on a text--which would make him take it literally.  If you were using it as a flirting mechanism, do it where your body language or intonation on the phone could convey what you really mean and/or that you are having fun with it.  Also IMO it can't be the first thing you are talking about either. Needs a buffer of other stuff before you launch into that.  Though to be honest, it's all going to probably come off as you chasing him vs the other way around if you don't let him take the lead first.  But if he'd reached out to you and was flirtatious on the phone or next time in person that would have been a better time to bring this stuff into the conversation.  Also less needy/need for reassurance, ie no "did you really mean it?" but more assertive I think is better or flirtatious is better.  Hopefully this makes sense.

[Skittle2021]

14 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said:

Oh I'm not saying its not rude. It is. I don't think ghosting is right. 

But in reality you only met him once, he doesn't really owe you anything. Look he could have behaved much worse and really pressured you into sex. I think you came out of this relatively unscathed and you get a learning experience from it too.

Its about learning to put less stock in first dates and chat to a few people, date a few until something catches for both of you.

Being irritated or upset that he hasn't replied only impacts you so find ways for this to be less of a big deal after only a date or two in the future.

I see, agreed! Thank you!

[Gaeta]

My advise to you is to drop the *friends but open to a relationship*. It might have been the right approach 20 years ago but it's not that anymore. Nowadays it sends the message of sex with no strings attached no matter the stories you'll tell the guy. Also by saying *friends but open to a relationship* you are scaring away a bunch of good men looking for serious dating. If your end goal is a commited relationship then your story should be you are looking to date with eventually a commited relationship. While you date you get to know this person, you set your time line on sex, and you decide when exclusity is established. That's dating. 

[introverted1]

2 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

What actions were opposite of friends or slow besides being at his house and falling asleep in his bed?

Nothing bolded below is "slow" or "friendly."

Do you tickle and flirt with your girlfriends? Massage their legs or let them massage yours?  Cuddle with them? Get horny when engaging with them?

All of the below signals sex more than friendship.

5 hours ago, Skittle2021 said:

we watch movies all night with heavy flirting to include, tickling, teasing, play hitting etc, all initiated by him. He even gave me a leg massage. We also cuddled a lot on the couch. While cuddling, he said that  we should do this every week or once a month. After all of that, I had no doubt that we were both enjoying ourselves and that he definitely wanted to see me again. It got super late and I was too tired to drive back, so he took my hand and walked me to his bedroom so he could go to sleep. I felt comfortable so I went. We cuddled again and we fell asleep. then, he started kissing on my neck and rubbing on my back, it got pretty intense and we were both super horny,  but I stopped it. I would be lying if I said I didn't want to give in,  but I'm not one for first date or casual sex, and I wasn't willing to risk getting hurt if he decided not to call me after that night.

There's nothing wrong with wanting a relationship and also nothing wrong with wanting to go slowly.  But your words and actions have to align.  And most of us are trained to weigh actions more heavily than words when there is a disconnect. 

[Skittle2021]

6 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Wrong.  You are taking this too literal.  He's likely reacting (or lack of reaction because he is not replying) to your EXPECTATIONS. Especially considering the content of your text messages the mornin after, which is indicating that indeed you have expectations--outsized ones at that.

If you were joking about the comment "did you really mean it", best to have those type of conversations in person or on the phone, so a person can hear your intonation etc.  vs in black and white on a text--which would make him take it literally.  If you were using it as a flirting mechanism, do it where your body language or intonation on the phone could convey what you really mean and/or that you are having fun with it.  Also IMO it can't be the first thing you are talking about either. Needs a buffer of other stuff before you launch into that.  Though to be honest, it's all going to probably come off as you chasing him vs the other way around if you don't let him take the lead first.  But if he'd reached out to you and was flirtatious on the phone or next time in person that would have been a better time to bring this stuff into the conversation.  Also less needy/need for reassurance, ie no "did you really mean it?" but more assertive I think is better or flirtatious is better.  Hopefully this makes sense.

yes, that definite makes sense. I should've done it over the phone or face to face. I thought since the tone was always playful that he would know to take it that way and not literally even in a text because we had already met in person....but, I was wrong. he still could have been a man and not ghosted me. there were plenty of ways he could have handled that besides ghosting and yes we did have other conversation before that question was asked.

[Skittle2021]

6 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Nothing bolded below is "slow" or "friendly."

Do you tickle and flirt with your girlfriends? Massage their legs or let them massage yours?  Cuddle with them? Get horny when engaging with them?

All of the below signals sex more than friendship.

There's nothing wrong with wanting a relationship and also nothing wrong with wanting to go slowly.  But your words and actions have to align.  And most of us are trained to weigh actions more heavily than words when there is a disconnect. 

I guess I have a hard Time with this because I did not initiate any of this. he was tickling, massaging and cuddling and kissing on me. I was not kissing on him at all. my lips did not touch him at all. All of this was one sided and as I said, I stopped him from all the kissing on me. I was turned on, but I didnt touch him. I think that is where the confusion for me lies. The sexual stuff was all one sided. So when someone says my actions say something else, what actions are we talking about? There was no kissing or touching on my end at all. 

Edited May 1, 2021 by Skittle2021

[introverted1]

15 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

I guess I have a hard Time with this because I did not initiate any of this. he was tickling, massaging and cuddling and kissing on me. I was not kissing on him at all. my lips did not touch him at all. All of this was one sided and as I said, I stopped him from all the kissing on me. I was turned on, but I didnt touch him. I think that is where the confusion for me lies. The sexual stuff was all one sided. So when someone says my actions say something else, what actions are we talking about? There was no kissing or touching on my end at all. 

Either he is totally clueless or else he would have to be aware that you were "super horny" and that you wanted "to give in" but didn't.

I'm also confused when you say that it was all one-sided and that there was no touching on your end.  So while you "watched movies all night with heavy flirting to include, tickling, teasing, play hitting etc" you didn't reciprocate at all? Just sat there looking straight ahead at the movie with no verbal or physical response?  

I'm not trying to come down on you, but from what you've written, it seems as though you participated in the flirting/tickling/teasing.  You allowed him to massage your legs.

"He took my hand and walked me to his bedroom" - this is the prelude to sex in 1,000 rom-coms! 

Would any of the above have happened with a new female friend?

Again... it's ok to want to be friends.  And it's ok to want to want a relationship.  Heck, it is ok to have a ONS or first-date sex if that is what you are cool with.  But you are telling us you just wanted friendship while your actions signaled something very different. 

[Versacehottie]

59 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

He had no problem telling me he was joking about other things and crazy questions he asks. I didnt think this would be any different. No, you have it all wrong. I just met him and am getting to know him just like others I am getting to know. After everyones feedback about this, i'm not interested in seeing him further. I wanted to hang out as friends and see if I liked him to be open to moving it to a relationship if we vibe enough. Again I don't think I am acting needy because I didn't do anything differently than what I did before the first date. He was joking just like I was even with the question I asked and was still responding. then he stopped. I think y'all are under the impression that Ince I asked the question he stopped responding and thats not the case. he kept making me ask it which is something he likes to do to be annoying and funny. My ego is hurt that he stopped responding. What actions were opposite of friends or slow besides being at his house and falling asleep in his bed?

Like Gaeta said, you are treating pre-first date and post-first date the same and they are not.  As I also said, what you joke or  talk about in text can be misinterpreted all the time--even among people who know you well--because the body language or tone of voice is not present.

Bolded, not sure I know what you are referring to, but I feel pretty sure I've got a good handle on what happened here   If you are referring to being needy, the majority of the people responding on this thread felt as if what you did was too much/needy.  I think you think some blanket statement you put out before the first date ("i just want to be friends and see if i'd be open to a relationship") overrides how you acted on the date and after the date and it doesn't!  The blanket statement and your actions afterward were not congruent at all. Whether you were joking or not, it's the way it would be perceived. I actually find it hard to believe that you were fully joking--do you expect us to believe that you DID NOT want to be movie buddies with him?  That's not what you wanted either.  Maybe you said in a joking fashion, but you wanted the dating to proceed or you wouldn't be hurt.  And you did want to put him into your upcoming schedule so it was not a joke at all.  It was based in the reality of what you wanted and your expectations--which I'm sure he sussed out.  He's not going to think "well her blanket statement a week or however long ago was xyz/friends" when the evidence of what is happening currently shows him that you have expectations etc etc.  Come on now, if we believe he works for the CIA, his critical thinking skills are on point.  

The actions after the date were the opposite of friends or slow.  You wouldn't be hung up on a sentence that was a "promise"of a future.  You would be letting him pursue you.  You wouldn't make up a reason to text him the following morning, jokingly or seriously about anything--let alone something that refers to when the next time you will see him will be, which is exactly what is implied in that line of questioning. You wouldn't blow up his phone but give him the time and space to return your text as you are not husband/wife, bf/gf or employer/employee.  You wouldn't say anything about the length of time to reply or lack of reply.  You wouldn't have spent the night; you wouldn't have slept in his same bed; you wouldn't have let him get physical; you wouldn't have gone to his house if you wanted to take it slow.  Doing the opposite of slow, followed by the opposite of slow or just friends, is letting him know you have expectations.  That perhaps he never wanted to fulfill--if he was just looking for casual in general.  Or now he's reassessed if he wants to get involved if he in fact was open to dating.  

I'm guessing that if he is like many guys, that the things you did that were more of the carefree nature were in the pros category and you switched after the date with the other stuff you did--at least it would have been perceived that way.  If he was skittish or just looking for casual, it'd be a hard out for him. um buh bye.  Even if he had good dating intentions, this would be too much for a lot of guys/people and he'd also be out.

Sorry, your ego is hurt. I hope that you will see what the perception of a lot of other people would have with the sequence of events after the date and how that can affect your potential with someone.  I am not even saying you won't hear from him, you might.  The biggest thing I think for you to remember is that YOU are creating an impression with someone, especially in these initial stages where they almost have a blank slate on you.  Everything you do, say, etc is going to make up this impression.  Often weighted heavier than it might be if they had a year or years worth of other information that neutralized the needy perception.  

Another thing is if you get clear on what you want (dating relationship vs friends) and conduct yourself IN LINE with those goals, you will have better results.  This is confusing to say the least.  A guy with bad intentions is going to utilize that to his advantage and other guys with open or good intentions are going to be confused by it.  Also don't forget a lot of women use it as a ploy just to get guys to date them---much like a lot of men make claims to wanting a relationship to get dates--almost everyone knows this happens so it's always at the back of their minds and they are going to take the blanket statement with almost a grain of salt, especially if you meet on a dating app.  You've got to be real about that.  It's faux coy in a way--maybe that's not how you mean it but if I were a guy, meeting you on a dating app, and had the sequence of events that happened, I would totally throw out what you said about "friends" after date one--because it doesn't match what happened.  ok good luck!

Edited May 1, 2021 by Versacehottie

[Versacehottie]

46 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

I guess I have a hard Time with this because I did not initiate any of this. he was tickling, massaging and cuddling and kissing on me. I was not kissing on him at all. my lips did not touch him at all. All of this was one sided and as I said, I stopped him from all the kissing on me. I was turned on, but I didnt touch him. I think that is where the confusion for me lies. The sexual stuff was all one sided. So when someone says my actions say something else, what actions are we talking about? There was no kissing or touching on my end at all. 

Yeah agree with introverted.  Who cares if you didn't initiate any of it? You allowed it.  So then again that is mixed messages. He either thinks you aren't great at the physical side of dating because you just sat there and did not get into it (if i believe your version) or are a tease.  And it's all transparent because what you were relying heavily on the following day was the emotional aspect/neediness/wanting reassurance.

Also people are into people who have control of their choices and confidence about what they do. So the mixed messages alone would have him wondering WHY you are doing these things as if you don't have a backbone or are a doormat with regards to what you want/will do and will rollover just because a guy pays you a little bit of attention.  It kills the attraction he may have had for you. So not reciprocating while in this position is probably the worst move you could make IMO.  It's certainly not bonus points.  Again, you are taking it too literally, ie "i didn't do any of the physical activity=therefore I am taking it slow". Wrong. 

[Versacehottie]

56 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

yes, that definite makes sense. I should've done it over the phone or face to face. I thought since the tone was always playful that he would know to take it that way and not literally even in a text because we had already met in person....but, I was wrong. he still could have been a man and not ghosted me. there were plenty of ways he could have handled that besides ghosting and yes we did have other conversation before that question was asked.

eh, you can't get caught up in "should/should not" about other people.  Online dating. People are going to ghost.  He probably could be thinking, she said friends, why did she blow up my phone, she shouldn't have done that.

I definitely don't think you should get caught up in what you can't control.  Focus on your part and what you might have done differently.

[cleverusername]

6 hours ago, Skittle2021 said:

I met a guy on a dating app who works for the CIA

Didn't even get past the first sentence. Stopped reading right here, this guy is lying. Next.

[introverted1]

5 minutes ago, cleverusername said:

Didn't even get past the first sentence. Stopped reading right here, this guy is lying. Next.

Why?  Someone has to work for the CIA; they have 21k+ employees.  And, contrary to legend, the overwhelming majority are able to say who they work for, although they may be prohibited from sharing details of their day-to-day jobs. Both OP and the guy are in DC. so it's plausible.

In any case, his job is irrelevant to the thread. 

[Stupidkupid]

18 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Why?  Someone has to work for the CIA; they have 21k+ employees.  And, contrary to legend, the overwhelming majority are able to say who they work for, although they may be prohibited from sharing details of their day-to-day jobs. Both OP and the guy are in DC. so it's plausible.

In any case, his job is irrelevant to the thread. 

I think maybe its that the guy lead with it. I once dated a man who worked in British Intelligence and he just told me he had a civil service post until 4/ 5 dates in.

Not that everyone is the same, but I do think people in these agencies (even the accountants) don't tend to start with it. But everyone is different.

[Skittle2021]

38 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Yeah agree with introverted.  Who cares if you didn't initiate any of it? You allowed it.  So then again that is mixed messages. He either thinks you aren't great at the physical side of dating because you just sat there and did not get into it (if i believe your version) or are a tease.  And it's all transparent because what you were relying heavily on the following day was the emotional aspect/neediness/wanting reassurance.

Also people are into people who have control of their choices and confidence about what they do. So the mixed messages alone would have him wondering WHY you are doing these things as if you don't have a backbone or are a doormat with regards to what you want/will do and will rollover just because a guy pays you a little bit of attention.  It kills the attraction he may have had for you. So not reciprocating while in this position is probably the worst move you could make IMO.  It's certainly not bonus points.  Again, you are taking it too literally, ie "i didn't do any of the physical activity=therefore I am taking it slow". Wrong. 

I told him to stop, there was no rolling over or playing anything. I think its obvious that I am very assertive person and am far far from needy. Everyone that knows me would be laughing g to hear people calling me needy. I dont expect the internet to understand who I am because thats impossible but I know I was not being needy. Aggressive maybe but not needy and again, its not anything  out of the norm. He did respond to me, I keep saying this, the conversation was still very much cheery even after the question was asked he just stopped responding after a while and never gave me an answer. Him not replying for  a few hours wasn't the issue either. its the lack of response for days that have an issue with. its not normal for us. Also people reading into it as if I wanted more. If I did, I would have said that. There is no reason for me to deny it especially after airing out everything else that I did. I may have given him mixed signals and because if that I apologized for it. im not going to keep myself in a prison over this anymore. the forum has helped me gain some perspective and I have made my peace with it. I know that I am a good woman. Whether I made a mistake/ mistakes or not, its his loss.

[lana-banana]

Being in a SCIF just means that he can't text during work hours, not that he's off the grid all the time. At any rate his job is irrelevant to what happened (or didn't happen) here and to be quite honest I don't know why the OP mentioned it.

Edited May 1, 2021 by lana-banana

[Skittle2021]

1 minute ago, lana-banana said:

Being in a SCIF just means that he can't text during work hours, not that he's off the grid all the time. At any rate his job is irrelevant to what happened (or didn't happen) here and to be quite honest I don't know why the OP mentioned it.

well if you read what I said, I mentioned it because he used that as a reason to why he cant respond at times. It is very relevant. 

[Versacehottie]

1 minute ago, Skittle2021 said:

I told him to stop, there was no rolling over or playing anything. I think its obvious that I am very assertive person and am far far from needy. Everyone that knows me would be laughing g to hear people calling me needy. I dont expect the internet to understand who I am because thats impossible but I know I was not being needy. Aggressive maybe but not needy and again, its not anything  out of the norm. He did respond to me, I keep saying this, the conversation was still very much cheery even after the question was asked he just stopped responding after a while and never gave me an answer. Him not replying for  a few hours wasn't the issue either. its the lack of response for days that have an issue with. its not normal for us. Also people reading into it as if I wanted more. If I did, I would have said that. There is no reason for me to deny it especially after airing out everything else that I did. I may have given him mixed signals and because if that I apologized for it. im not going to keep myself in a prison over this anymore. the forum has helped me gain some perspective and I have made my peace with it. I know that I am a good woman. Whether I made a mistake/ mistakes or not, its his loss.

You told him to stop, yet you still spent the night?  

[lana-banana]

3 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

well if you read what I said, I mentioned it because he used that as a reason to why he cant respond at times. It is very relevant. 

For future reference, "he told me he can't respond at times because of his job" is a much better way to phrase these things instead of explicitly mentioning where they work. And frankly it's still not relevant here: his job is not the reason why he's not responding.

Edited May 1, 2021 by lana-banana

[Skittle2021]

1 hour ago, Versacehottie said:

Like Gaeta said, you are treating pre-first date and post-first date the same and they are not.  As I also said, what you joke or  talk about in text can be misinterpreted all the time--even among people who know you well--because the body language or tone of voice is not present.

Bolded, not sure I know what you are referring to, but I feel pretty sure I've got a good handle on what happened here   If you are referring to being needy, the majority of the people responding on this thread felt as if what you did was too much/needy.  I think you think some blanket statement you put out before the first date ("i just want to be friends and see if i'd be open to a relationship") overrides how you acted on the date and after the date and it doesn't!  The blanket statement and your actions afterward were not congruent at all. Whether you were joking or not, it's the way it would be perceived. I actually find it hard to believe that you were fully joking--do you expect us to believe that you DID NOT want to be movie buddies with him?  That's not what you wanted either.  Maybe you said in a joking fashion, but you wanted the dating to proceed or you wouldn't be hurt.  And you did want to put him into your upcoming schedule so it was not a joke at all.  It was based in the reality of what you wanted and your expectations--which I'm sure he sussed out.  He's not going to think "well her blanket statement a week or however long ago was xyz/friends" when the evidence of what is happening currently shows him that you have expectations etc etc.  Come on now, if we believe he works for the CIA, his critical thinking skills are on point.  

The actions after the date were the opposite of friends or slow.  You wouldn't be hung up on a sentence that was a "promise"of a future.  You would be letting him pursue you.  You wouldn't make up a reason to text him the following morning, jokingly or seriously about anything--let alone something that refers to when the next time you will see him will be, which is exactly what is implied in that line of questioning. You wouldn't blow up his phone but give him the time and space to return your text as you are not husband/wife, bf/gf or employer/employee.  You wouldn't say anything about the length of time to reply or lack of reply.  You wouldn't have spent the night; you wouldn't have slept in his same bed; you wouldn't have let him get physical; you wouldn't have gone to his house if you wanted to take it slow.  Doing the opposite of slow, followed by the opposite of slow or just friends, is letting him know you have expectations.  That perhaps he never wanted to fulfill--if he was just looking for casual in general.  Or now he's reassessed if he wants to get involved if he in fact was open to dating.  

I'm guessing that if he is like many guys, that the things you did that were more of the carefree nature were in the pros category and you switched after the date with the other stuff you did--at least it would have been perceived that way.  If he was skittish or just looking for casual, it'd be a hard out for him. um buh bye.  Even if he had good dating intentions, this would be too much for a lot of guys/people and he'd also be out.

Sorry, your ego is hurt. I hope that you will see what the perception of a lot of other people would have with the sequence of events after the date and how that can affect your potential with someone.  I am not even saying you won't hear from him, you might.  The biggest thing I think for you to remember is that YOU are creating an impression with someone, especially in these initial stages where they almost have a blank slate on you.  Everything you do, say, etc is going to make up this impression.  Often weighted heavier than it might be if they had a year or years worth of other information that neutralized the needy perception.  

Another thing is if you get clear on what you want (dating relationship vs friends) and conduct yourself IN LINE with those goals, you will have better results.  This is confusing to say the least.  A guy with bad intentions is going to utilize that to his advantage and other guys with open or good intentions are going to be confused by it.  Also don't forget a lot of women use it as a ploy just to get guys to date them---much like a lot of men make claims to wanting a relationship to get dates--almost everyone knows this happens so it's always at the back of their minds and they are going to take the blanket statement with almost a grain of salt, especially if you meet on a dating app.  You've got to be real about that.  It's faux coy in a way--maybe that's not how you mean it but if I were a guy, meeting you on a dating app, and had the sequence of events that happened, I would totally throw out what you said about "friends" after date one--because it doesn't match what happened.  ok good luck!

 I asked a few of my male friends and they said I did nothing wrong at all. I wasn't too forward or needy and they have actually seen the text messages. They said he is probably really busy or upset that I did not put out and probably moved on to someone who will. they Also said my blunt honesty was probably too much for him and for that I wont apologize for. that is who I am. I dont beat around the bush and I didnt pretend I wanted something to get any dates. I dont things like that, never have and never will. I went outside my comfort zone by going to his house, we already established that but as my male friends have also pointed out that because I didnt give in sends a positive message that even under circumstances as intense I was able to refrain. they said there is no shame in that. This is from multiple male perspectives.

Edited May 1, 2021 by Skittle2021

[Skittle2021]

2 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

For future reference, "he told me he can't respond at times because of his job" is a much better way to phrase these things instead of explicitly mentioning where they work. And frankly it's still not relevant here: his job is not the reason why he's not responding.

well that is what he used as a reason for him not responding. since you seem to have an understanding of why, why isn't he responding?

[Skittle2021]

6 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

You told him to stop, yet you still spent the night?  

yea I did. it was late and I was too tired to drive. I said this earlier.

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

 im not going to keep myself in a prison over this anymore. the forum has helped me gain some perspective and I have made my peace with it.

With a guy like this and the CIA story, recent "ex", first date,  etc., it wouldn't have mattered what you did/didn't do, the end result would be the same. Don't beat yourself up, you dodged a bullet.