He suddenly stopped answering my text after the first date

[Skittle2021]

9 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Actually to be honest, I would have felt hounded in his shoes as well.  He's already set it up nicely that he's in training, he doesn't have cell phone access some of the time AND it really was just a first date.  Yet you are getting all needy on him wanting basically to talk about the relationship effectively while he presumably is at work and let's keep in mind it was just a first date. If you felt comfortable with him, that's fine, but in perspective it was STILL just a first date.

It was between needy and hounding--within that range.  It's was a throwaway statement and you are trying to clarify that there will be future dates like this the following day while he's at work.  No one is asking about your schedule at this point.  It's you trying to push to make something happen, while squeezing the life out of it (if there really was anything promising there--as spice said, he could have just as easily been trying solely for a hookup).  IMO, you are asking for plausible explanations--why are you getting angry when you get them?  Maybe that's an indication of you not seeing how you/your actions could be perceived.  You don't think it was pushy/needy and yet here are some people telling you it was exactly "that". 

I wouldn't say this was minor at all. If you really think so, I would imagine you will get a lot of similar responses if you do this after date one. 

BTW, why is it "to your surprise" that he keep the conversation going after the movie?  That's totally normal.  IMO, it would be weird if he was just like "see ya" after the movie.  From the way that you wrote that part as well as much of the date/evening portion, it seems like you are over-romanticizing the interaction and then not acting grounded in reality the following day, which is connected for sure.  

I'm not really concerned anymore about him feeling hounded. I talked to him just as I have always done it just changed after we actually met for the first time. We always joke around so I didn't expect him to do that with said statement. I shouldn't be made to feel bad about that especially after the joke tone was set during the entire time that we have been talking to one another.

 

I am also not angry and have welcomed all responses. Im not sure where it is perceived that I am angry. At the end of thew day, all of this is speculation as we really dont know. I have made my peace with this. I sent a final text and if he doesn't respond I ill be ok with it. That final text was my closure. 

[Gaeta]

25 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

 Im going to apologize for being to forward and leading him on and leave it alone. 

Why in the world would you do that?? 

If there was any interest left on his end you just killed it.

Stop texting him! A man grows his attraction toward a woman in her absence not by being bombarded by text.

And you still view your actions as *being forward* ? Insecurities have nothing to do with being forward. You need to be honest with yourself here.

[Skittle2021]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Why in the world would you do that?? 

If there was any interest left on his end you just killed it.

Stop texting him! A man grows his attraction toward a woman in her absence not by being bombarded by text.

And you still view your actions as *being forward* ? Insecurities have nothing to do with being forward. You need to be honest with yourself here.

Insecure about what? I sent it because I don't care what he thinks. especially at this point, i'm not trying to be in a relationship with him and I wasn't even trying to bi none before that. I wanted friendship. I sent that for my own emotional peace nit for him, I did it for me. Thats it. 

Edited May 1, 2021 by Skittle2021

[Gaeta]

Why are you looking for friendship on dating sites? 

Do you mean a friend with benefits?

Did he know you were looking for a friend only?

If you were indeed only looking for a friend why did it matter to see him on weekly basis, why you keep tract of his response delay? 

 

[Versacehottie]

2 hours ago, Skittle2021 said:

no you are right, it is the point for asking for advice. I just didn't see it that way. I didn't see anything wrong with asking him if he meant what he said. I guess now I know. I expected him to say no I was just joking or yes I was serious but instead he went silent. I would have been fine either way. 

I think you get it now but the question itself is basically asking for a definition of the relationship, asking for reassurance and wanting to almost re-live the moment he said it over and over. If he "meant" it, that's precisely what will unfold in time and if he didn't mean it at all, do you really want that feedback right now--the morning after, while the guy is at work?  He doesn't want to give it then and bring on the drama.  He's focused on his day.  

Plus the reality is, it was probably a throwaway, musing type of comment.  It's in the grey area of those two extremes ("yes I meant and let's line up our schedules" and "no I didn't really mean it at all, I was just trying to lure you into sex and I don't want to see you again").  In the grey area is where additional actions from each of you is what will make this relationship progressing positively a reality or additional actions that are perceived as negative to having a relationship with the other person will kill the chances.  No need to ask for reassurance at this moment at all. It would have come out in time. Also you squeezed seeing him into your week this week so would it have really been SO difficult that you couldn't have made it work--when and if he asked in the future.  Idk, allow a little breathing room after a date. Let the guy pursue you. All this was the opposite of that.  The aftermath.  The date itself was fine/ok (some guys will judge you on coming over their place so easily; not having sex/having sex and some won't).  You can err on the safer side and not go just to keep the potential open and let things progress where he definitely values you and you know what you are getting into.  but it was the aftermath that would have killed it. You might hear from him but take it easy if you do. 

[Skittle2021]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Why are you looking for friendship on dating sites? 

Do you mean a friend with benefits?

Did he know you were looking for a friend only?

If you were indeed only looking for a friend why did it matter to see him on weekly basis, why you keep tract of his response delay? 

 

I have already said in several responses that I was looking for friendship and as I told him, if it turns into something more I was open tot it. I did not say friends with benefits and I also mad that clear to him that I was not aa FWB girl or a causal sex girl. I told him sex means something to me and I don't take it lightly. It did not matter to see him weekly, he proposed it so I asked if he was serious. I think you are taking it more seriously than what I intended and I didn't say anything about keeping track of his responses daily. Im a blunt person, if see something that goes against the norm i'm going to ask about it. Him telling me that if he doesn't respond for a while means he's in an area doesn't fit what has happened the past few days. Going 3 days without responding to a text isn't normal especially with us. He always responds so yes, it's natural for me to want to know what happened. 

 

and yes, I told him I was interested in friendship and was open to it developing into a relationship if it happens. I was very clear about that. He wanted to be my weekly movie buddy which is why I asked what I asked to confirm his sincerity. like I said multiple times, I didn't intend on it being taken out of context than what it was originally presented by him.

Edited May 1, 2021 by Skittle2021

[Versacehottie]

2 hours ago, Skittle2021 said:

I don't, and seem to have the worst luck when it comes to dating.

You need to change that mindset.  If you believe it, it will come to fruition.  If you get it to neutral or lucky, you "luck" will change.  

What I can see from your explanation of this date and aftermath, is that a lot of the things that would potentially kill this romance, were in your control, ie neither lucky or unlucky, but able to be influenced by you. You just need to get more savvy, make different choices and believe in yourself.

[Skittle2021]

4 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

I think you get it now but the question itself is basically asking for a definition of the relationship, asking for reassurance and wanting to almost re-live the moment he said it over and over. If he "meant" it, that's precisely what will unfold in time and if he didn't mean it at all, do you really want that feedback right now--the morning after, while the guy is at work?  He doesn't want to give it then and bring on the drama.  He's focused on his day.  

Plus the reality is, it was probably a throwaway, musing type of comment.  It's in the grey area of those two extremes ("yes I meant and let's line up our schedules" and "no I didn't really mean it at all, I was just trying to lure you into sex and I don't want to see you again").  In the grey area is where additional actions from each of you is what will make this relationship progressing positively a reality or additional actions that are perceived as negative to having a relationship with the other person will kill the chances.  No need to ask for reassurance at this moment at all. It would have come out in time. Also you squeezed seeing him into your week this week so would it have really been SO difficult that you couldn't have made it work--when and if he asked in the future.  Idk, allow a little breathing room after a date. Let the guy pursue you. All this was the opposite of that.  The aftermath.  The date itself was fine/ok (some guys will judge you on coming over their place so easily; not having sex/having sex and some won't).  You can err on the safer side and not go just to keep the potential open and let things progress where he definitely values you and you know what you are getting into.  but it was the aftermath that would have killed it. You might hear from him but take it easy if you do. 

I see what you mean. Given his behavior I dont even want to see him again. my goal was to chill and watch movies and I was open to his suggestion of doing it every week. the date that we did have was also planned in advance. I did not squeeze him in. I thought he would laugh like he aways does and answer but to my shock he didnt. I wasn't looking at this as a bidding romantic relationship, I looked at it as a budding friendship that could possibly turn into a relationship if we ended up liking each other but I was wrong. I know he is ignoring me now there is no mistaken it.

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

And yes, I told him I was interested in friendship and was open to it developing into a relationship if it happens. I was very clear about that. He wanted to be my weekly movie buddy which is why I asked what I asked to confirm his sincerity. like I said multiple times, I didn't intend on it being taken out of context than what it was originally presented by him.

Friendship and open to a relationship, on a dating site means sex with no commitment.

 

[Stupidkupid]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

He might not be mad, exactly, but just not interested. 

Agreed. Unlikely to have annoyed him but his pirmary ain appears to have been sex or at the very least fun.

CIA or no, liar or not, he told you he would be difficult to contact and you carried on messaging,even after he reminded you.

[Skittle2021]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Friendship and open to a relationship, on a dating site means sex with no commitment.

 

no I explained in depth what I meant. I told him I wanted a connection a full commitment before any sexual activity.

[Skittle2021]

1 minute ago, Stupidkupid said:

Agreed. Unlikely to have annoyed him but his pirmary ain appears to have been sex or at the very least fun.

CIA or no, liar or not, he told you he would be difficult to contact and you carried on messaging,even after he reminded you.

I did not carry on, he asked me to clarify what my question was. there was no carrying on. I dont expect strangers rio under the full magnitude of this because you dont know everydeatil but I did not ask him more than once. he asked for clarification about what I meant and I explained it. even then he was still going around as we normally do. it just stopped out of no where and he never came back.

[Gaeta]

Skittle: You are not going to find a friend on a dating site. Dating sites are all about sex whether it's within a commitment, as one night stands, or as friends with benefits. If you are looking for a movie buddy then you need to register to a meet-up group. From there you will find male friends to share common activities with, with no sex pressure. 

Also, if you are looking for a friend, don't call them *dates*

[Wiseman2]

Don't take it personally. You are both talking to and meeting others after just one date. He is also  still talking to his "ex". You are not exclusive, so he owes you nothing.

[Stupidkupid]

4 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

I did not carry on, he asked me to clarify what my question was. there was no carrying on. I dont expect strangers rio under the full magnitude of this because you dont know everydeatil but I did not ask him more than once. he asked for clarification about what I meant and I explained it. even then he was still going around as we normally do. it just stopped out of no where and he never came back.

You're here asking for advice and suggesting people are blunt.

I'm saying that I read your post and if I had said to you i was busy and you text anyway (you admit that he told you twice during the date, then reminded you after a couple of messages, after which you still insisted he answer the question anyway) I wouldn't contact you again either. He was obviously looking for fun and you aren't that in his mind.

Edited May 1, 2021 by Stupidkupid

[Skittle2021]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Skittle: You are not going to find a friend on a dating site. Dating sites are all about sex whether it's within a commitment, as one night stands, or as friends with benefits. If you are looking for a movie buddy then you need to register to a meet-up group. From there you will find male friends to share common activities with, with no sex pressure. 

Also, if you are looking for a friend, don't call them *dates*

noted. isn't dating friendship until commitment?

[Skittle2021]

2 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said:

You're here asking for advice and suggesting people are blunt.

I'm saying that I read your post and if I had said to you i was busy and your text anyway (you admit that he told you twice during the date, then reminded you after a couple of messages, after which you still insisted he answer the question anyway) I wouldn't contact you again either. He was obviously looking for fun and you aren't that in his mind.

I did not text him after he said he was busy, he didnt tell me he was busy until after I texted him. he was still very responsive as I said and then it just stopped. Its fine if he doesn't think im fun but its still rude to ignore text messages for days no matter who it is. 

[Skittle2021]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't take it personally. You are both talking to and meeting others after just one date. He is also  still talking to his "ex". You are not exclusive, so he owes you nothing.

That is fine but not being exclusive does not mean he has the right to be rude. I'm over it. I said my peace and i'm done. Thank you for the perspective.

[Gaeta]

Just now, Skittle2021 said:

noted. isn't dating friendship until commitment?

The sentence Friendship but open to relationship is notorious on dating sites to mean *sex without commitment*. Serious daters looking for a long term relationship would never associate with a person saying 'friendship but open to a relationship'. Apparently this guy has been dating for a while and he viewed it the way all of us experienced daters view it. 

If your end goal is to find a serious commited relationship then you are looking to *date*, not for a friendship. You want to date with the intent of a relationship, this way you will be taken more seriously. 

[Stupidkupid]

5 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

I did not text him after he said he was busy, he didnt tell me he was busy until after I texted him. he was still very responsive as I said and then it just stopped. Its fine if he doesn't think im fun but its still rude to ignore text messages for days no matter who it is. 

Oh I'm not saying its not rude. It is. I don't think ghosting is right. 

But in reality you only met him once, he doesn't really owe you anything. Look he could have behaved much worse and really pressured you into sex. I think you came out of this relatively unscathed and you get a learning experience from it too.

Its about learning to put less stock in first dates and chat to a few people, date a few until something catches for both of you.

Being irritated or upset that he hasn't replied only impacts you so find ways for this to be less of a big deal after only a date or two in the future.

Edited May 1, 2021 by Stupidkupid

[Versacehottie]

2 hours ago, Skittle2021 said:

yes I see that, but was the question that bad to just go silent? like I said earlier, he could have just said it was a joke or he wasn't serious. That would have been it. 

Nah, he wouldn't do that--as that would be negative information to say to you.  Most guys are not very confrontational, IME. They certainly don't want to give you bad information that perhaps gets a girl flipping out on them and/or blows future chances with her.  Going to guess he might have been like most guys in the "i don't know yet, we will see" zone after the date.  He would not respond as he doesn't know what he wants to do yet and each subsequent text without him replying was probably convincing him that it wouldn't be a good idea since when you are feeling insecure you blow up his phone.  why do you think there are so many funny memes about girls blowing up a guys' phone?  Guys will put up with it if you are already bf/gf but it's usually a deal killer if it happens in early dating stages---especially after first night spent together or first date.

Usually if they don't respond, it's a way to kick the can down the road and deal with it all later.  Likely just give an apology or an explanation of why they couldn't reply (sometimes a white lie).  He didn't want to re-live that moment then (and/or perhaps wasn't interested in continuing to date you at all).  If he still wanted to date you, he would just wait until you calmed down with the lovey-dovey talk, the neediness, the need to lock down the next date, the potential anger at not him not responding and wait to see if HE felt compelled to set the next date (if/when).  

IMO, you should opt for a guy to be chasing you--especially at this crucial moment after a first date.  If a guy likes you, you will hear from him. If a guy's on the fence about you, you will still likely hear from him.  If he doesn't like you and is sure about it, you won't hear from him and that's ok because you don't want to waste your time & emotions on those ones plus there is nothing you can do to change his feeling.

There's one thing I don't get. Which I'm sure is probably flipping him out as well: if you said you are just looking for friends but then spend the night and get needy in the aftermath, it is an absolute mixed message. If he is just looking for casual, then you are playing into his fears about that (and I would agree, this is not a "friends" level response).  Also why not be honest with yourself & skew things the way you want to set up for success--you want a relationship--I can see it all over this thread. You would do better to not confuse potential guys with the "friends" thing when you would not be ok with it at all.  Better to say that you would like to go slow (though again, your actions were saying opposite of "friends' or slow").

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

That is fine but not being exclusive does not mean he has the right to be rude. I'm over it. I said my peace and i'm done. Thank you for the perspective.

Excellent. Just move forward and delete and block him. Unfortunately even after a great first meet, people ghost. He's just not that interested.

[FMW]

I think even platonic friends, especially early in the friendship, might feel a little pressured by someone appearing to try to establish a standing date to get together every week, even if they had been the one to throw the idea out in passing.  It takes a while for relationships, whether platonic or romantic, to reach a comfort level for those things.

But I don't want you to feel like you're being battered by all our responses.  It's great that you reached out and asked for the opinion of others.  Going forward, it's usually best to not take things said in the beginning too seriously, and to slow down and see how things go.  Always err on the side of assuming that invitations to someone's home when you've just met are likely to come with the expectation that sex is an option.  Certainly realize that physical contact, no matter how innocent it may seem (massaging your leg), and getting into someone's bed are going to be seen as green lights for something more.  

Try to relax and enjoy meeting new guys.  If they mention getting together again (without definite plans), leave it up to them to follow up.

I agree that it's rude for people to just ignore and ghost.  Unfortunately, it happens frequently, especially when things are new and not well established.  It's not worth your time to wonder why.      

There are good guys out there that you will connect with, so don't be discouraged. Just take what you learn and apply to future experiences.  

Edited May 1, 2021 by FMW

[Skittle2021]

3 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Nah, he wouldn't do that--as that would be negative information to say to you.  Most guys are not very confrontational, IME. They certainly don't want to give you bad information that perhaps gets a girl flipping out on them and/or blows future chances with her.  Going to guess he might have been like most guys in the "i don't know yet, we will see" zone after the date.  He would not respond as he doesn't know what he wants to do yet and each subsequent text without him replying was probably convincing him that it wouldn't be a good idea since when you are feeling insecure you blow up his phone.  why do you think there are so many funny memes about girls blowing up a guys' phone?  Guys will put up with it if you are already bf/gf but it's usually a deal killer if it happens in early dating stages---especially after first night spent together or first date.

Usually if they don't respond, it's a way to kick the can down the road and deal with it all later.  Likely just give an apology or an explanation of why they couldn't reply (sometimes a white lie).  He didn't want to re-live that moment then (and/or perhaps wasn't interested in continuing to date you at all).  If he still wanted to date you, he would just wait until you calmed down with the lovey-dovey talk, the neediness, the need to lock down the next date, the potential anger at not him not responding and wait to see if HE felt compelled to set the next date (if/when).  

IMO, you should opt for a guy to be chasing you--especially at this crucial moment after a first date.  If a guy likes you, you will hear from him. If a guy's on the fence about you, you will still likely hear from him.  If he doesn't like you and is sure about it, you won't hear from him and that's ok because you don't want to waste your time & emotions on those ones plus there is nothing you can do to change his feeling.

There's one thing I don't get. Which I'm sure is probably flipping him out as well: if you said you are just looking for friends but then spend the night and get needy in the aftermath, it is an absolute mixed message. If he is just looking for casual, then you are playing into his fears about that (and I would agree, this is not a "friends" level response).  Also why not be honest with yourself & skew things the way you want to set up for success--you want a relationship--I can see it all over this thread. You would do better to not confuse potential guys with the "friends" thing when you would not be ok with it at all.  Better to say that you would like to go slow (though again, your actions were saying opposite of "friends' or slow").

He had no problem telling me he was joking about other things and crazy questions he asks. I didnt think this would be any different. No, you have it all wrong. I just met him and am getting to know him just like others I am getting to know. After everyones feedback about this, i'm not interested in seeing him further. I wanted to hang out as friends and see if I liked him to be open to moving it to a relationship if we vibe enough. Again I don't think I am acting needy because I didn't do anything differently than what I did before the first date. He was joking just like I was even with the question I asked and was still responding. then he stopped. I think y'all are under the impression that Ince I asked the question he stopped responding and thats not the case. he kept making me ask it which is something he likes to do to be annoying and funny. My ego is hurt that he stopped responding. What actions were opposite of friends or slow besides being at his house and falling asleep in his bed?

[Skittle2021]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Excellent. Just move forward and delete and block him. Unfortunately even after a great first meet, people ghost. He's just not that interested.

thank you. I intend to do just that.