He suddenly stopped answering my text after the first date

[d0nnivain]

 You said you were OK with NY blunt so here it is: 

 

6 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

I did not make out with him. I never even kissed him. I fell asleep in his bed because it was late and he started kissing on me in which I stopped it. the leg rub (clothes on) was just a  simple massage while we were sitting on the couch because my legs were sore from the run I did earlier. I didnt see anything sexual about it.

You didn't see anything sexual about it?  How naïve are you?  

You said you are in the military. So here are your new orders :  If you would not let a superior officer touch you in a particular way & you would not touch somebody under your command this way, it is sexual.  

As for the making out, this is what you said about your physical interactions:  

 

2 hours ago, Skittle2021 said:

We get to the his house, he gives me a tour and we watch movies all night with heavy flirting to include, tickling, teasing, play hitting etc, all initiated by him. He even gave me a leg massage. We also cuddled a lot on the couch.  * * *  he took my hand and walked me to his bedroom so he could go to sleep. * * * We cuddled again and we fell asleep. then, he started kissing on my neck and rubbing on my back, it got pretty intense and we were both super horny,  

How on earth is any of that not sexual?  Would you touch a junior person in your unit this way?  If not, it's all sexual.  

Another marching order for you:  treat dating like an op or mission.  You are always in enemy territory. You need to be on your guard at all times.  You need an impenetrable defense, a secure supply line & multiple exit points. 

 

7 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

i approached this from a friend day matter because a friendship is what I said I wanted. That is my way of taking things slow and allowing me to see off this is someone I would want a relationship with. This is how me and my ex of 17 years started. it was him saying he was looking for relationship so I guess I felt more comfortable being like this since the tone was already established during the date. Hope that make sense.

It makes some sense but it's outmoded & won't work.  I'm guessing about your age but even assuming you were a teen 17 years ago when you established this friends 1st pattern for dating, you are an adult now.  As children you have the opportunity to get to know the other person in school & from the neighborhood.    You see them in a variety of settings outside of a date.  As an adult the date is the vehicle by which you get to know the new person.  It's why you have to steer clear of "enemy territory" like the other person's house & especially their BED if you want friends first.  Your behavior came across as more of a C**k tease than that of a sensible adult woman.   Especially because of your military background & your immersion in a male cultural men are going to assume you understand guys & that if you come home with them you are DTF.  You are putting yourself in danger.  Stop.  Granted you probably have much better hand to hand combat skills & can protect yourself against an assault but you really need to see it coming.  

You still don't get it if you think you being in his bed wasn't the issue.  Just because nothing happened doesn't mean he didn't want it to happen.  Your words said no but your actions said yes, or at least talk me into it.  You were not being clear.  You were sending mixed messages.  

[Skittle2021]

Just now, Gaeta said:

An invitation to follow him home was an invitation for sex. You can debate this ALL you want, when a man suggests you follow him home on a 1st date he's got something in mind. We women tend to romantize it, men don't. Home = Sex.

When you accepted his invitation to go home you sent the signal you were up for sex. You normally don't do this BUT he doesn't know, to him you clearly indicated you were up for this and you probably dis this often as well. EVEN if you told this man *I normally don't do this but Ok I'll go* he won't beleive you. He'll think it's just a thing you say. 

So, you accepted his invitation to follow him home, in his  mind you're up for sex, sex doesn't happen, that sends him the message you'll end up being a woman he needs to put some work into to get to bed, he lost interest. 

I completely understand what you mean, and I knew that he would think that, but I also knew it wasn't going to happen. I also think he knew that he would need to put in more work from the conversation that we had about how I feel about sex. Im sure you are right, so this is his way of blowing me off. 

[d0nnivain]

Just now, Skittle2021 said:

I completely understand what you mean, and I knew that he would think that, but I also knew it wasn't going to happen. I also think he knew that he would need to put in more work from the conversation that we had about how I feel about sex. Im sure you are right, so this is his way of blowing me off. 

Yes & no. This is his way of blowing you off.  But while your words said no, your actions at least said maybe.  You need your words & actions to match in the future.  

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

 You said you were OK with NY blunt so here it is: 

 

You didn't see anything sexual about it?  How naïve are you?  

You said you are in the military. So here are your new orders :  If you would not let a superior officer touch you in a particular way & you would not touch somebody under your command this way, it is sexual.  

As for the making out, this is what you said about your physical interactions:  

 

How on earth is any of that not sexual?  Would you touch a junior person in your unit this way?  If not, it's all sexual.  

Another marching order for you:  treat dating like an op or mission.  You are always in enemy territory. You need to be on your guard at all times.  You need an impenetrable defense, a secure supply line & multiple exit points. 

 

It makes some sense but it's outmoded & won't work.  I'm guessing about your age but even assuming you were a teen 17 years ago when you established this friends 1st pattern for dating, you are an adult now.  As children you have the opportunity to get to know the other person in school & from the neighborhood.    You see them in a variety of settings outside of a date.  As an adult the date is the vehicle by which you get to know the new person.  It's why you have to steer clear of "enemy territory" like the other person's house & especially their BED if you want friends first.  Your behavior came across as more of a C**k tease than that of a sensible adult woman.   Especially because of your military background & your immersion in a male cultural men are going to assume you understand guys & that if you come home with them you are DTF.  You are putting yourself in danger.  Stop.  Granted you probably have much better hand to hand combat skills & can protect yourself against an assault but you really need to see it coming.  

You still don't get it if you think you being in his bed wasn't the issue.  Just because nothing happened doesn't mean he didn't want it to happen.  Your words said no but your actions said yes, or at least talk me into it.  You were not being clear.  You were sending mixed messages.  

Amazing post !!

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

I completely understand what you mean, and I knew that he would think that, but I also knew it wasn't going to happen. I also think he knew that he would need to put in more work from the conversation that we had about how I feel about sex. Im sure you are right, so this is his way of blowing me off. 

So in a way you mislead him. 

[Skittle2021]

4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

 You said you were OK with NY blunt so here it is: 

 

You didn't see anything sexual about it?  How naïve are you?  

You said you are in the military. So here are your new orders :  If you would not let a superior officer touch you in a particular way & you would not touch somebody under your command this way, it is sexual.  

As for the making out, this is what you said about your physical interactions:  

 

How on earth is any of that not sexual?  Would you touch a junior person in your unit this way?  If not, it's all sexual.  

Another marching order for you:  treat dating like an op or mission.  You are always in enemy territory. You need to be on your guard at all times.  You need an impenetrable defense, a secure supply line & multiple exit points. 

 

It makes some sense but it's outmoded & won't work.  I'm guessing about your age but even assuming you were a teen 17 years ago when you established this friends 1st pattern for dating, you are an adult now.  As children you have the opportunity to get to know the other person in school & from the neighborhood.    You see them in a variety of settings outside of a date.  As an adult the date is the vehicle by which you get to know the new person.  It's why you have to steer clear of "enemy territory" like the other person's house & especially their BED if you want friends first.  Your behavior came across as more of a C**k tease than that of a sensible adult woman.   Especially because of your military background & your immersion in a male cultural men are going to assume you understand guys & that if you come home with them you are DTF.  You are putting yourself in danger.  Stop.  Granted you probably have much better hand to hand combat skills & can protect yourself against an assault but you really need to see it coming.  

You still don't get it if you think you being in his bed wasn't the issue.  Just because nothing happened doesn't mean he didn't want it to happen.  Your words said no but your actions said yes, or at least talk me into it.  You were not being clear.  You were sending mixed messages.  

I am really enjoying the outside perspective. I guess I am naive. I didn't think the leg massage was sexual. I just thought he was trying to be sweet and aa gentleman. The other stuff was definitely sexual and I put a stop to it asap even though I agree I should not have been in his bed. I knew nothing would happen so that was why I didn't see anything wrong with it. As far as I was concerned, I was just going to sleep. I wont do it again Yes I do have hand to hand combat experience and can protect myself which is another reason why I wasn't worried. So are you implying that he is punishing me for giving mixed signals? I was wrong for leading him on?

[glows]

Were you just wanting company that evening or are you looking for a relationship? You know, there can be both. It's not always one or the other and depends on the company. 

If the latter, maintain your boundaries and don't go over to that person's home early on. I can't tell you how often this gets slipped in into conversation. There are even "dates" who begin to invite themselves over to my home when they've clearly not been invited. It is easy to slip from one scenario to another. Just politely decline in future and suggest a date idea for the next week that you may be interested in. Instead of asking him if he's interested in cuddling with you on a consistent basis, lead the interaction that way. 

Count yourself the wiser after all of this. It sounds to me that he was interested in sex only. I wouldn't have read too much into it if this is someone you just wanted to see casually (that is your choice). If you were wanting this to progress to anything more, this is not the guy. 

All you have to do is brush yourself off of this and let it go. Don't text him. Find someone else who fits your criteria better for long-term dating if that's your only goal.

Edited May 1, 2021 by glows

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

I knew nothing would happen so that was why I didn't see anything wrong with it. 

But dating isn't only about you and  your view on things. You are dealing with strangers who have their own interpretation of things. How you come across with your words and actions is important. Your actions have to match your words.

[d0nnivain]

You verbalized your boundaries which was good but again your actions contradicted your words.  

I don't' know that he's punishing you per se but he is signaling that he's not open to a 2nd date.  You have to let him go & learn from all this.  

Go.  Date.  Have fun.  Keep any PDA public & vertical for the first few dates.  Get to know somebody by talking to them & spending time with them.  

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

 So are you implying that he is punishing me for giving mixed signals? I was wrong for leading him on?

No, he doesn't care enough to be in a *punishment* mode. He just lost interest.

 

[Skittle2021]

7 minutes ago, glows said:

Were you just wanting company that evening or are you looking for a relationship? You know, there can be both. It's not always one or the other and depends on the company. 

If the latter, maintain your boundaries and don't go over to that person's home early on. I can't tell you how often this gets slipped in into conversation. There are even "dates" who begin to invite themselves over to my home when they've clearly not been invited. It is easy to slip from one scenario to another. Just politely decline in future and suggest a date idea for the next week that you may be interested in. Instead of asking him if he's interested in cuddling with you on a consistent basis, lead the interaction that way. 

Count yourself the wiser after all of this. It sounds to me that he was interested in sex only. I wouldn't have read too much into it if this is someone you just wanted to see casually (that is your choice). If you were wanting this to progress to anything more, this is not the guy. 

All you have to do is brush yourself off of this and let it go. Don't text him. Find someone else who fits your criteria better for long-term dating if that's your only goal.

I agree. and thank you for pointing out that he wanted sex only. I think thats the biggest thing that I missed from all of this. Going to a mans house sent something I normally wouldn't do, and maybe I felt like I should lighten up a little since my friends do it often and have had no issues even though they fallen have sex with the dude. Im just not like that.

[introverted1]

I'm not sure I agree that he lost interest because she didn't put out.  Fact is, he was texting her the next day up until the point she pressed to know whether he meant it when he said he wanted to do "this" weekly.  So maybe his interest was reduced by the lack of sex, but he was still talking to her.  He didn't go cold until she pressed for what he could have perceived as promises about future behavior.

Either way, @Skittle2021, I think there is lots of good advice in this thread that you can apply to your future dating adventures.

[Skittle2021]

13 minutes ago, glows said:

Were you just wanting company that evening or are you looking for a relationship? You know, there can be both. It's not always one or the other and depends on the company. 

If the latter, maintain your boundaries and don't go over to that person's home early on. I can't tell you how often this gets slipped in into conversation. There are even "dates" who begin to invite themselves over to my home when they've clearly not been invited. It is easy to slip from one scenario to another. Just politely decline in future and suggest a date idea for the next week that you may be interested in. Instead of asking him if he's interested in cuddling with you on a consistent basis, lead the interaction that way. 

Count yourself the wiser after all of this. It sounds to me that he was interested in sex only. I wouldn't have read too much into it if this is someone you just wanted to see casually (that is your choice). If you were wanting this to progress to anything more, this is not the guy. 

All you have to do is brush yourself off of this and let it go. Don't text him. Find someone else who fits your criteria better for long-term dating if that's your only goal.

I was just wanting company that evening. I enjoyed myself lot and I didn't want it to end so going to his house was in my mind the only way we can continue talking and having fun. I was going to send a blunt text and then leave it but I guess I shouldn't. 

Edited May 1, 2021 by Skittle2021

[Skittle2021]

3 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

I'm not sure I agree that he lost interest because she didn't put out.  Fact is, he was texting her the next day up until the point she pressed to know whether he meant it when he said he wanted to do "this" weekly.  So maybe his interest was reduced by the lack of sex, but he was still talking to her.  He didn't go cold until she pressed for what he could have perceived as promises about future behavior.

Either way, @Skittle2021, I think there is lots of good advice in this thread that you can apply to your future dating adventures.

Thank you! I think I have learned a lot from the responses as well and I am still open to anymore feedback I may receive. 

[elaine567]

14 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

I agree I should not have been in his bed. I knew nothing would happen so that was why I didn't see anything wrong with it. As far as I was concerned, I was just going to sleep. I wont do it again Yes I do have hand to hand combat experience and can protect myself which is another reason why I wasn't worried.

Hand to hand combat skills  would not have helped you had he hit you on the head with a blunt instrument whilst you were asleep...
 

[Skittle2021]

Just now, elaine567 said:

Hand to hand combat skills  would not have helped you had he hit you on the head with a blunt instrument whilst you were asleep...
 

That is true.

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, Skittle2021 said:

I was only wanting company that evening. I enjoyed myself lot and I didn't want it to end so going to his house was in my mind the only way we can continue talking and having fun. I was going to send a blunt text and then leave it but I guess I shouldn't. 

I have done all those mistakes already Skittle but along the way I've learn my way of seeing things is much different than how men view things. I've learn if I am having a good time and I'd like something more to develop with this particular man then I have to end the date *even if I am having a great time*. By ending the date I am leaving the man *wanting more*. If I continue the date, spend hours and hours with him then I am killing the 'mystery' in his eyes. 

You talk about your friends having sex on 1st date and men don't run away, sure it does happen, but they don't engage in sex with these men thinking it will bring them a relationship. They go into this with the mindset they'll have fun and what ever happens, happens. I am sure the following day they don't text the guy 'why you have not gotten back to me in 3 hours'. They have sex, go back to their life, and the guy bounce back because he felt 0 pressure. 

[glows]

Just now, Skittle2021 said:

I agree. and thank you for pointing out that he wanted sex only. I think thats the biggest thing that I missed from all of this. Going to a mans house sent something I normally wouldn't do, and maybe I felt like I should lighten up a little since my friends do it often and have had no issues even though they fallen have sex with the dude. Im just not like that.

...

I was just wanting company that evening. I enjoyed myself lot and I didn't want it to end so going to his house was in my mind the only way we can continue talking and having fun. I was going to send a blunt text and then leave it but I guess I shouldn't.

It is ok to be different and not do what your friends are doing. If you were wanting company that evening, I think you handled yourself well and you didn't have sex (something you weren't comfortable with from the start). The risk of being assaulted is always there when meeting with strangers and yes, something to be wary of and extra cautious about especially going over to someone's home or when inviting anyone over. Please don't approach the dating world paralyzed with fear regardless.

Stick to your values and continue maintaining your boundaries. Shorten the dates next time. It is ok to enjoy someone's company - isn't that the point. But leave some for next time and don't be afraid to decline. He won't fall apart in pieces or be disappointed. I think the other person will just respect you more because you are actively maintaining your boundaries and in that effort, you're also showing and letting the other person what you will or won't do. 

[FMW]

11 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

So are you implying that he is punishing me for giving mixed signals?

I don't think he's punishing you, as @Gaeta noted, he isn't invested enough to bother.  You gave him reasons, as explained by others, to think you were going to have sex, but then it didn't happen.  You then repeated your question about whether he was serious about what he'd said several times, and he lost both patience and interest.  Regardless of your intention, he likely thought you were going to require too much attention.  He didn't get sex and he hadn't had the time yet to develop enough interest to be held to his comment about weekly plans.  

[Gaeta]

9 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Hand to hand combat skills  would not have helped you had he hit you on the head with a blunt instrument whilst you were asleep...
 

Falling asleep next to a stranger is dangerous in so many ways. 

A woman,  friend of my family, followed her date to his home, went to bed, and both didn't woke up. Problem with his furnace, they died of carbon monoxide poisoning during their sleep. She had a 12 year old son who'll grow up knowing his mom died from a night of sex at a stranger's house. 

[Skittle2021]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I have done all those mistakes already Skittle but along the way I've learn my way of seeing things is much different than how men view things. I've learn if I am having a good time and I'd like something more to develop with this particular man then I have to end the date *even if I am having a great time*. By ending the date I am leaving the man *wanting more*. If I continue the date, spend hours and hours with him then I am killing the 'mystery' in his eyes. 

You talk about your friends having sex on 1st date and men don't run away, sure it does happen, but they don't engage in sex with these men thinking it will bring them a relationship. They go into this with the mindset they'll have fun and what ever happens, happens. I am sure the following day they don't text the guy 'why you have not gotten back to me in 3 hours'. They have sex, go back to their life, and the guy bounce back because he felt 0 pressure. 

ok, so my biggest mistake was not ending the date.  I understand what you said. I just feel like damned if I do, damned if I don't. its hard for me to explain the text messages. I didn't ask him why he has not responded to me in 3 hours. I was just focused on him answering the question that I didn't think was a big deal. I just wont say anything or joke around next time.

[Skittle2021]

16 minutes ago, glows said:

It is ok to be different and not do what your friends are doing. If you were wanting company that evening, I think you handled yourself well and you didn't have sex (something you weren't comfortable with from the start). The risk of being assaulted is always there when meeting with strangers and yes, something to be wary of and extra cautious about especially going over to someone's home or when inviting anyone over. Please don't approach the dating world paralyzed with fear regardless.

Stick to your values and continue maintaining your boundaries. Shorten the dates next time. It is ok to enjoy someone's company - isn't that the point. But leave some for next time and don't be afraid to decline. He won't fall apart in pieces or be disappointed. I think the other person will just respect you more because you are actively maintaining your boundaries and in that effort, you're also showing and letting the other person what you will or won't do. 

I don't want to go on another date honestly. I feel so bad because my intention and reasoning for doing what I was doing was misdiagnosed. I wanted a friend and it looks like we were on our way to being great friends. I was excited about it and it got crushed. Im going to apologize for being to forward and leading him on and leave it alone. 

[Skittle2021]

16 minutes ago, FMW said:

I don't think he's punishing you, as @Gaeta noted, he isn't invested enough to bother.  You gave him reasons, as explained by others, to think you were going to have sex, but then it didn't happen.  You then repeated your question about whether he was serious about what he'd said several times, and he lost both patience and interest.  Regardless of your intention, he likely thought you were going to require too much attention.  He didn't get sex and he hadn't had the time yet to develop enough interest to be held to his comment about weekly plans.  

yes I agree. he could have just said that and this post wouldn't have even been made. "I was just joking" would have sufficed and I wouldnt have thought anything more about it.

[Skittle2021]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Falling asleep next to a stranger is dangerous in so many ways. 

A woman,  friend of my family, followed her date to his home, went to bed, and both didn't woke up. Problem with his furnace, they died of carbon monoxide poisoning during their sleep. She had a 12 year old son who'll grow up knowing his mom died from a night of sex at a stranger's house. 

OMG!

[Versacehottie]

2 hours ago, Skittle2021 said:

There is nothing in there about me hounding him?  I was not hounding him. You saw that and just wanted to harp on it even though i clearly explained what happened. . I asked him about it because that is what HE said he wanted to do. I asked if he was serious, because if he was, I need to plan for that, I don’t just have my schedule open. I didn’t ask again and again, I don’t know where you got that from. He said he didn’t know what I meant so I clarified it because when I initially asked, it was vague (as you so eloquently highlighted the word "that") he didn't know what "that" meant and asked for clarification. Weekly get togethers would not naturally play out because I don’t just leave my schedule open. I have a life just like he does and would not drop everything I'm doing to accommodate hanging with him every week if it was not planned out that way. I really don’t see anything wrong with what I did especially when he was the one who suggested it. 

 

And honestly, if something that minor did deter him and turn him off, then I don't want him anyway.

Actually to be honest, I would have felt hounded in his shoes as well.  He's already set it up nicely that he's in training, he doesn't have cell phone access some of the time AND it really was just a first date.  Yet you are getting all needy on him wanting basically to talk about the relationship effectively while he presumably is at work and let's keep in mind it was just a first date. If you felt comfortable with him, that's fine, but in perspective it was STILL just a first date.

It was between needy and hounding--within that range.  It's was a throwaway statement and you are trying to clarify that there will be future dates like this the following day while he's at work.  No one is asking about your schedule at this point.  It's you trying to push to make something happen, while squeezing the life out of it (if there really was anything promising there--as spice said, he could have just as easily been trying solely for a hookup).  IMO, you are asking for plausible explanations--why are you getting angry when you get them?  Maybe that's an indication of you not seeing how you/your actions could be perceived.  You don't think it was pushy/needy and yet here are some people telling you it was exactly "that". 

I wouldn't say this was minor at all. If you really think so, I would imagine you will get a lot of similar responses if you do this after date one. 

BTW, why is it "to your surprise" that he keep the conversation going after the movie?  That's totally normal.  IMO, it would be weird if he was just like "see ya" after the movie.  From the way that you wrote that part as well as much of the date/evening portion, it seems like you are over-romanticizing the interaction and then not acting grounded in reality the following day, which is connected for sure.