He suddenly stopped answering my text after the first date

[Skittle2021]

8 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

He could be oversees now in Paris...

Anyway, glad to hear you're on the up and up.  

oh definitely, I wont stay down for long. I have you ladies and gents (if they are here) to thank for it. Too bad I dont have women friends like ya'll in real life.

[Skittle2021]

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I bet his girlfriend caught him. 

or he got back with his ex he broke up with about 7 months ago he says. Maybe so.

 

Edited May 3, 2021 by Skittle2021

[Stupidkupid]

20 hours ago, peach302 said:

Sometimes people don't want to give explanations after one date. 

But even just to say it was nice meeting you...but unfortunately i can't see us going any further..that type of thing would suffice.. i think (instead of ghosting). That's what I've done myself. 

If its been a longer period of time...i would personally prefer an explanation but can't force one out of someone

Thats what i did when i was dating "Sorry this isn't for me" type message.

My one and only experience of ghosting was actually me to a guy. And I am so anti-ghosting but by God I wasn't going to tell him a third time that he was looking for something different to me.

I don't know if that even counts. If I told him ob two previous occasions that he had moved way too fast for me and it wasn't working for me.

Anyway. I just stopped answering. But there were times I really didn't want to do the whole "Just felt no connection" thing after just one date. Still did it though... but, yeah.

[Skittle2021]

1 minute ago, Stupidkupid said:

Thats what i did when i was dating "Sorry this isn't for me" type message.

My one and only experience of ghosting was actually me to a guy. And I am so anti-ghosting but by God I wasn't going to tell him a third time that he was looking for something different to me.

I don't know if that even counts. If I told him ob two previous occasions that he had moved way too fast for me and it wasn't working for me.

Anyway. I just stopped answering. But there were times I really didn't want to do the whole "Just felt no connection" thing after just one date. Still did it though... but, yeah.

I see. in your case you already told him twice. perfectly acceptable to go silent after that. I just think the opposite party should receive an explanation especially if they are asking for one. And men are supposed to be the strong ones... Psssst!

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

And men are supposed to be the strong ones... Psssst!

Oh! no no no. Women are emotionally much stronger than men. Men I know, men I dated, had no problem recognizing women are much stronger on many levels. 

[Skittle2021]

22 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Oh! no no no. Women are emotionally much stronger than men. Men I know, men I dated, had no problem recognizing women are much stronger on many levels. 

im so glad they acknowledged that

[peach302]

1 hour ago, Stupidkupid said:

Thats what i did when i was dating "Sorry this isn't for me" type message.

My one and only experience of ghosting was actually me to a guy. And I am so anti-ghosting but by God I wasn't going to tell him a third time that he was looking for something different to me.

I don't know if that even counts. If I told him ob two previous occasions that he had moved way too fast for me and it wasn't working for me.

Anyway. I just stopped answering. But there were times I really didn't want to do the whole "Just felt no connection" thing after just one date. Still did it though... but, yeah.

That's  acceptable. If you already gave the guy the message...and then to quit answering him is fine imho.

Funnily enough  same thing happened with me. I told him we're not compatible yet he kept saying why not and how do you know... and kept wanting to meet. Took him a couple of months to get that it wasnt gonna happen

[peach302]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Oh! no no no. Women are emotionally much stronger than men. Men I know, men I dated, had no problem recognizing women are much stronger on many levels. 

Not the ones i came across. Some have so much bravado..

But if faced to deal with  feelings they'll probably break down.

[Skittle2021]

11 minutes ago, peach302 said:

Not the ones i came across. Some have so much bravado..

But if faced to deal with  feelings they'll probably break down.

I would think it would be easier to tell a person you aren't interested if there are no feelings involved. 

[Gaeta]

Skittle: There is another reason why people ghost and it's to keep a crack in the door for later on. At the moment they don't want to pursue but also don't want to burn their bridge so they ghost. A lot of ghosters will get back in touch after a few months. Usually to waste your time and ghost you again and they'll have an unbeleivable story to explain why they ghosted.

[Skittle2021]

28 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Skittle: There is another reason why people ghost and it's to keep a crack in the door for later on. At the moment they don't want to pursue but also don't want to burn their bridge so they ghost. A lot of ghosters will get back in touch after a few months. Usually to waste your time and ghost you again and they'll have an unbeleivable story to explain why they ghosted.

yeah? hmm, I didn't think of that! well if he knows what's good for him, he will stay away. her would really have a lot of nerve trying to come back after this. 

[Seliana]

On 5/3/2021 at 4:09 PM, Skittle2021 said:

I totally agree.  I was a little hurt to be honest, because i thought we were on the same page and had a genuine connection. I was excited about what I thought was my new movie buddy LOL and that got crushed before it even got anywhere, if it was even going to go anywhere... im over it now.

Try getting ghosted after you get along wonderfully gave great chemistry and slept together... twice. I'm sorry you had that experience, but take it as a learning experience.

People generally will not be as open and honest as you seem, much less have a sense of integrity or personal responsibility. In my case, it really stung, but I got over it, and moved on. It turned out to be a HUGE favor, b/c it helped me to screen things I didn't want, and the next guy I dated is my b/f of 15 months. 

I'm not trying to make a dig at you, but I hope you see the irony in complaining about communication. Sure ghosting is a coward's way out, even though silence is an answer (a really shitty one!), but mixed messages aren't much better. Chalk this experience up to multiple miscommunications from BOTH of you and let it go. 

Hopefully you won't meet too many cowardly turds. Scare them off early so as not to waste your time, that's what I started doing  Sure it meant less dates, but it was super effective and kept me from wasting time and effort on wimps. Good luck finding someone genuine, Skittles!

[Skittle2021]

1 minute ago, Seliana said:

Try getting ghosted after you get along wonderfully gave great chemistry and slept together... twice. I'm sorry you had that experience, but take it as a learning experience.

People generally will not be as open and honest as you seem, much less have a sense of integrity or personal responsibility. In my case, it really stung, but I got over it, and moved on. It turned out to be a HUGE favor, b/c it helped me to screen things I didn't want, and the next guy I dated is my b/f of 15 months. 

I'm not trying to make a dig at you, but I hope you see the irony in complaining about communication. Sure ghosting is a coward's way out, even though silence is an answer (a really shitty one!), but mixed messages aren't much better. Chalk this experience up to multiple miscommunications from BOTH of you and let it go. 

Hopefully you won't meet too many cowardly turds. Scare them off early so as not to waste your time, that's what I started doing  Sure it meant less dates, but it was super effective and kept me from wasting time and effort on wimps. Good luck finding someone genuine, Skittles!

Thank you for responding. Can you elaborate more about your thoughts on the mixed messages? I didnt mean to send him mixed signals. inspire of everything I thought everything was good. I wanted to take things slow and see if he was a person that I would want to date and be intimate with but I never got that chance. I thought from the platonic way that we started would give more room for it to grow romantically if that is what we both wanted. The fact that he said he wanted to be my movie buddy, weekly I thought that was confirmation that we were on the same page. 

I thought not putting out was a good thing but this experience definitely messes with your head and makes you second guess it. It really feels as though he is punishing me because he feels that I wasted his time and doesn't want to put the effort in or wait for me to feb comfortable to move in that kind of direction. 

If I am being completely honest, there were probably some red flags that I didn't see as red flags. he had a mean disposition about him which I chalked up to maybe awkwardness of him trying to act tough when he was really aa sweetheart underneath. He kind scolded me for leaving his bathroom door open and also told me he didnt care what I thought about something I  said in passing conversation. while sitting on the couch, I was cold and asked for a blanket and instead of handing it to me, he threw it at me (maybe im  exaggerating about the throwing of the blanket, but I did call him out for it) Even before we went on a date, his tone during text a few times came off very mean, annoyed and abrasive. I didnt pay too much attention to that because it was text but that fact that it didnt sit right should have been a sign to me. The fact that he did this proves he isn't a nice person but I guess there were other things that highlighted this as well. so idk, maybe I dodged a potential abusive person down the line...

[Seliana]

35 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

Thank you for responding. Can you elaborate more about your thoughts on the mixed messages? I didnt mean to send him mixed signals. inspire of everything I thought everything was good. I wanted to take things slow and see if he was a person that I would want to date and be intimate with but I never got that chance. I thought from the platonic way that we started would give more room for it to grow romantically if that is what we both wanted. The fact that he said he wanted to be my movie buddy, weekly I thought that was confirmation that we were on the same page. 

I thought not putting out was a good thing but this experience definitely messes with your head and makes you second guess it. It really feels as though he is punishing me because he feels that I wasted his time and doesn't want to put the effort in or wait for me to feb comfortable to move in that kind of direction. 

If I am being completely honest, there were probably some red flags that I didn't see as red flags. he had a mean disposition about him which I chalked up to maybe awkwardness of him trying to act tough when he was really aa sweetheart underneath. He kind scolded me for leaving his bathroom door open and also told me he didnt care what I thought about something I  said in passing conversation. while sitting on the couch, I was cold and asked for a blanket and instead of handing it to me, he threw it at me (maybe im  exaggerating about the throwing of the blanket, but I did call him out for it) Even before we went on a date, his tone during text a few times came off very mean, annoyed and abrasive. I didnt pay too much attention to that because it was text but that fact that it didnt sit right should have been a sign to me. The fact that he did this proves he isn't a nice person but I guess there were other things that highlighted this as well. so idk, maybe I dodged a potential abusive person down the line...

Hi Skittle,

The mixed message thing has been examined from all angles, I truly have nothing to add to what's already been said. However, consider this... effective communication means both parties, sender and receiver have the same understanding of the message being communicated, there's no ambiguity. Saying no sex = clear, engaging physically, and lying in a man's bed (and spending the night!!!) = confusing at best, sadistic cocktease at worst. 

You know your mindset and motives, he doesn't know you well enough to take you at your word, so has to assess your words/actions, same as you must asses his. Other posters mentioned that he may have interpreted your dating profile differently, as more FWB and that's entirely possible. I remember I wanted to communicate something similar, but ended up receiving exactly the kind of attention I wanted to avoid b/c of my wording conflicted with my intent.

He might very well be all those things hindsight is making you think, or he might simply think "the juice isn't worth the squeeze" either to continue seeing you or to invite drama if he told you he did not want to see you, then have to explain himself. There's no way of knowing, and quite frankly no point in trying to discern his motives. I suspect he is completely full of s***, and was trying to impress you with a fake job as many posters brought up and you dodge a bullet.  If I was a dude, I'd have thought you were trying to sound like a nice girl who wanted to have sex, and tried to smash.

Even so, I think you probably would benefit from giving some thought as to how to communicate what you're looking for in a way potential suitors understand and be ruthlessly clear what you want. If it puts some men off, no loss, they aren't compatible. Just like this coward. 

Edited May 4, 2021 by Seliana

[Skittle2021]

28 minutes ago, Seliana said:

Hi Skittle,

The mixed message thing has been examined from all angles, I truly have nothing to add to what's already been said. However, consider this... effective communication means both parties, sender and receiver have the same understanding of the message being communicated, there's no ambiguity. Saying no sex = clear, engaging physically, and lying in a man's bed (and spending the night!!!) = confusing at best, sadistic cocktease at worst. 

You know your mindset and motives, he doesn't know you well enough to take you at your word, so has to assess your words/actions, same as you must asses his. Other posters mentioned that he may have interpreted your dating profile differently, as more FWB and that's entirely possible. I remember I wanted to communicate something similar, but ended up receiving exactly the kind of attention I wanted to avoid b/c of my wording conflicted with my intent.

He might very well be all those things hindsight is making you think, or he might simply think "the juice isn't worth the squeeze" either to continue seeing you or to invite drama if he told you he did not want to see you, then have to explain himself. There's no way of knowing, and quite frankly no point in trying to discern his motives. I suspect he is completely full of s***, and was trying to impress you with a fake job as many posters brought up and you dodge a bullet.  If I was a dude, I'd have thought you were trying to sound like a nice girl who wanted to have sex, and tried to smash.

Even so, I think you probably would benefit from giving some thought as to how to communicate what you're looking for in a way potential suitors understand and be ruthlessly clear what you want. If it puts some men off, no loss, they aren't compatible. Just like this coward. 

Thank you for clarifying and I appreciate your perspective but its mislead. I think you along with many have misunderstood me in regards to my relationship stance and how it was communicated. There was no ambiguity on my dating file. It said that I was "looking for a relationship". there was nothing in my profile that read friends with benefits. I have made that VERY clear in profile, and in person by my words and my actions. I have also explained my reasoning for being in his bed and all the other stuff. and have already accepted my responsibility for slightly leading him on. I don't have the same views as you and many others. Me not having sex is an action and I felt that spoke loud and clear despite the perception that if a woman goes to a mans house or is in his bed that she is DTF. That would only be true if the action happened. Obviously I have proven that there is an exception to that rule. Some of us do have self control. I didn't suggest going to his room, I explained all of that as well and to briefly reiterate, I didn't mind going because nothing was going to happen. I didn't go into he is bed deliberately and to tease him. Teasing him would be myself initiating or engaging in sexual behaviors while in his bed and then not following through. That is teasing and I did none of that. I didn't initiate or engage in anything. His bedroom advances (unreciprocated) were rejected. If thats not ruthlessly clear, I dont know what is. I don't view that as teasing at all. The only thing questionable that I would agree with was me being in his bed which I still conducted myself appropriately. 

He did not fake his job but I do agree with you about him being full of crap. His thoughts about me and what he thought I wanted is irrelevant because his goal was not achieved. I proved him wrong. There are women who can maintain their morals in the most tempting environments. I believe he wanted sex and he didn't get what he want from me and wasn't willing to take the time and effort to pursue me any further.. Thats what it all boils down to, and for that I am grateful. 

 

Edited May 4, 2021 by Skittle2021

[Gaeta]

13 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

 I have also explained my reasoning for being in his bed and all the other stuff.

Exactly, that's all it is, YOUR reasoning. You are free to not beleive us but you will soon discover on your own that what you think you're sending as a message is not perceived the same way by men. You do know that men and women don't process information the same way, right?. You, as a woman, strongly think the fact you said no to sex is a strong message. Him as a man perceived it differently. 

[Skittle2021]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Exactly, that's all it is, YOUR reasoning. You are free to not beleive us but you will soon discover on your own that what you think you're sending as a message is not perceived the same way by men. You do know that men and women don't process information the same way, right?. You, as a woman, strongly think the fact you said no to sex is a strong message. Him as a man perceived it differently. 

No, me as a woman, said no, and WITH MY ACTIONS said No, is a strong message. If the mood is hot and the girl still declines that is a strong message. He got the message. he thought I was down for it but quickly realized that he was wrong. I agreed that I SENT the message in his eyes that I was down for it by going to his house and getting in his bed, but I PROVED that I was NOT down for it by not having sex with him which is exactly what I said with my words. His perception was not the reality. 

Edited May 4, 2021 by Skittle2021

[jspice]

I was on your side on page 1. Even page 3/4 but now you’re just being wilfully ignorant. 

[Skittle2021]

4 hours ago, jspice said:

I was on your side on page 1. Even page 3/4 but now you’re just being wilfully ignorant. 

well, that is your opinion. I dont need anyone to be on my side. I said what I said whether people agree with it or not.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Skittle2021 said:

 I believe he wanted sex and he didn't get what he want from me and wasn't willing to take the time and effort to pursue me any further.. Thats what it all boils down to, and for that I am grateful. 

True. Forget all the Victorian musing from the 1950s. Either it's going to work out or it's not.

Did he ever communicate from his spaceship ?

[Skittle2021]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

True. Forget all the Victorian musing from the 1950s. Either it's going to work out or it's not.

Did he ever communicate from his spaceship ?

I agree with you. I talked this over with my dad and he said the same thing and reiterated everything all my other guy friends said. It was not the question, it wasn't being needy, he just didn't get what he wanted, realized that I would hold him accountable for the things he says, and didn't want to put in the work to me with me. Add to the fact that he just got out of a serious relationship less than a year ago may also factor into it. He told me that I am nobody's rebound and to never apologize for being the honest and upfront woman that he raised me to be. I love my dad  

He did say that it was dangerous for me to go to a strangers house but me not putting out probably did make him very angry since he was probably sure he was going to smash. LOL He also said, if anything, he should have respected me more for having the ability to refrain.  And if a man cant see the value in a  woman who views sex as something more than an act and wants to be selective in whom she gives her body to, then he isn't a man.  

and nope, not a single word. 

Edited May 5, 2021 by Skittle2021

[introverted1]

 

 

Edited May 5, 2021 by introverted1

[ExpatInItaly]

55 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

He did say that it was dangerous for me to go to a strangers house but me not putting out probably did make him very angry since he was probably sure he was going to smash.

The only point I don't necessarily agree with here is that this guy is very angry. There's no reason to believe that he is. 

I think he simply isn't interested in continuing to communicate with you when he wants casual sex and you do not. 

[Skittle2021]

10 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

The only point I don't necessarily agree with here is that this guy is very angry. There's no reason to believe that he is. 

I think he simply isn't interested in continuing to communicate with you when he wants casual sex and you do not. 

Although I agree with your latter statement, How can you say there is no reason for him to be upset? Y’all claim that I lead him on and gave him mixed signals. That is a very valid reason to be upset. Also if you are indeed ghosting someone because you don’t want to talk to them, if that RS he’s out and tells you that it’s fine if you no longer wish to communicate you would just like to know and that the person is ok. To further make a choice to even ignore that speaks volumes. That is mean. If you are indeed done with someone what’s wrong with saying.. im fine. I just don’t think it will work out. Him choosing not to respond to a text like that makes it seem as though he was angry at me for whatever reason. None of that is neither here nor there. I will definitely weigh a mans perception  in this over what a woman thinks because we don’t think alike. 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I saw a show once, a Dateline special maybe, where a guy had three long-term relationships going at once (married to at least 2 of them). He would tell each of them he was on assignment with the CIA when he was gone for several months at a time. Really, he was just with one of the other women.

Food for thought, right? So, if he pops back up, be smart and verify his excuses with hard, independent evidence before proceeding further. If you're not able to corroborate his story with your own independently obtained evidence, you may assume this guy is just a douche. Maybe he thinks this is his "cute" way of being unavailable but still reaping the benefits...conditioning women to meet his desires without giving back to them. 

I wouldn't get too excited about this guy. If he wants you, he knows how to find you...especially if he's in the CIA!

Edited to add: Just noticed 8 pgs on this thread. Guess I'm late to the party. Hope my message still applies. 

Edited May 5, 2021 by HadMeOverABarrel