Author Skittle2021 Posted May 2, 2021 Author Posted May 2, 2021 29 minutes ago, peach302 said: Ok well it was a simple suggestion. For you to clear things up instead of playing the guessing game. Can you imagine how many dilemmas/problems/questions could be cleared up if people were simply honest and picked up the phone and made a call. why would I call him if he wont answer a text. That would be hounding. I know he wont answer do i'm not even going to give him that satisfaction. whether he changed his mind about xyz or not, his action of ghosting is rude. There are plenty of people with whom I dont see a romantic interest, have lost interest etc, but I would never do this to someone unless they were just bat s*** crazy and woudnt accept an explanation that I would definitely give them. I have gained some great friendships when the dating didn't work out. Him (the ghosted in question) and I had a great time, we could have just had a friendship, which is what I originally wanted to to start with to see if we were compatible. Why throw away a person, why not be friends?
Author Skittle2021 Posted May 2, 2021 Author Posted May 2, 2021 32 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Agree. This has a lot to do with him and his style of action. People have sex on the first date all the time. If you're the one, you're the one. If they ghost, they ghost. While in-house first dates could be risky, someone could rob/assault you on date 2,5,8, etc. facts.
ExpatInItaly Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 1 minute ago, Skittle2021 said: Why throw away a person, why not be friends? I get what you're saying, but most guys are not on OLD looking for friends. As such, you're going to find that most guys you don't click with are not going to be interested in pursuing a friendship afterwards.
Author Skittle2021 Posted May 2, 2021 Author Posted May 2, 2021 Just now, ExpatInItaly said: I get what you're saying, but most guys are not on OLD looking for friends. As such, you're going to find that most guys you don't click with are not going to be interested in pursuing a friendship afterwards. I see. I just figured since I told him that friendship was a foundation for a relationship, if he really wanted a relationship that shouldn't have been a problem. Judging by the amount fo fun and laughs we had that day, it was highly possible. I guess I really dont understand meg because I still cant fathom how he could just ghost me after that. He seemed like he had an amazing time despite the latter end of the night and even told me while watching the movie previews... "we are going to see that for our second date" and then again while cuddling, the dreadful " we should do this once a week or once a month" <<<< the million dollar statement I got chewed out on the post for asking. Im rambling now but, if someone would have asked me how likely did I think he would ghost me after that date, I would have confidently said not likely at all and would have been dead wrong.
poppyfields Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 (edited) Skittles, re ghosting, I used to feel same as you. But I've been doing a ton of reading lately including about silence as a form of communication, and how powerful that can be. Silence may be the best answer you could ever get, it speaks volumes! Especially given the fact you've only had one date. Way better than all the bullshyt that people spew when they no longer wish to pursue. Try to not take personally ok? You weren't the right fit for each other, that's all. Edited May 2, 2021 by poppyfields 3
peach302 Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 28 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said: why would I call him if he wont answer a text. That would be hounding. I know he wont answer do i'm not even going to give him that satisfaction. whether he changed his mind about xyz or not, his action of ghosting is rude. There are plenty of people with whom I dont see a romantic interest, have lost interest etc, but I would never do this to someone unless they were just bat s*** crazy and woudnt accept an explanation that I would definitely give them. I have gained some great friendships when the dating didn't work out. Him (the ghosted in question) and I had a great time, we could have just had a friendship, which is what I originally wanted to to start with to see if we were compatible. Why throw away a person, why not be friends? I guess. And with regards to the ghosting..a lot of people think about themselves and their needs.. I think if someone doesn't see a romantic potential..Especially a guy ..he won't want to stay friends. Its rather unlikely. 1
Author Skittle2021 Posted May 2, 2021 Author Posted May 2, 2021 11 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Skittles, re ghosting, I used to feel same as you. But I've been doing a ton of reading lately including about silence as a form of communication, and how powerful that can be. Silence may be the best answer you could ever get, it speaks volumes! Way better than all the bullshyt that people spew when they no longer wish to pursue. Try to not take personally ok? You weren't the right fit for each other, that's all. thank you. I try not to because its hard. especially just thinking back about how straight forward and blunt he presented himself to be. Those were obviously lies.
Author Skittle2021 Posted May 2, 2021 Author Posted May 2, 2021 9 minutes ago, peach302 said: I guess. And with regards to the ghosting..a lot of people think about themselves and their needs.. I think if someone doesn't see a romantic potential..Especially a guy ..he won't want to stay friends. Its rather unlikely. I see. ive been reading a bunch of articles about ghosting and it is a form of abuse and I can see why. you really have to be a new kind of low to do this to someone. I can totally see how weak, timid and people with low self esteem could do this. I don't think confident people could do this. 1
poppyfields Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 (edited) 14 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said: thank you. I try not to because its hard. especially just thinking back about how straight forward and blunt he presented himself to be. Those were obviously lies. Not necessarily lies. He got caught up in the moment, many people say things when in the moment, which they mean at the time. Then they go home and let it all marinate in their minds, and realize that's not how they truly feel. To me it's human nature, I've done it myself! And had it done to me! It's best to not take these early admissions too seriously, otherwise you will feel just as you feel now, deceived and disappointed. They're just words, it's best to gauge his actions. Same for him. I'm really sorry Skittles, but try to not take personally. His actions (or non-actions) now may have nothing to do with you. It was just the one date, you have no idea what's happening in his life. PS- be thankful he respected your boundaries, it could have gone a whole n'other way - not good. Please stay aware of that for next experience. Edited May 2, 2021 by poppyfields 2
poppyfields Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 (edited) 19 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said: I see. ive been reading a bunch of articles about ghosting and it is a form of abuse and I can see why. you really have to be a new kind of low to do this to someone. I can totally see how weak, timid and people with low self esteem could do this. I don't think confident people could do this. I completely disagree especially after only one date. And no disrespect but I think expecting someone you had one date with to provide you with some sort of explanation for why they don't wish to move forward is quite self-entitled and ego driven. His silence IS your answer, it's certainly not "abusive" especially in this context, after only one date. Edited May 2, 2021 by poppyfields 8
poppyfields Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 (edited) I've been doing reading too, PsychologyToday and the like, silence is a form of communication as well. You can either learn to understand it or get twisted about it, which serves no good purpose. Of course in a committed LTR, words are necessary but after one date? Agree to disagree. Good luck moving forward. Edited May 2, 2021 by poppyfields 2
Author Skittle2021 Posted May 2, 2021 Author Posted May 2, 2021 1 minute ago, poppyfields said: I've been doing reading too, PsychologyToday and the like, silence is a form of communication as well. You can either learn to understand it or get twisted about it, which serves no good purpose. If course in a committed LTR, words are necessary but after one date? Agree to disagree. I don't believe silence is a form of communication but know that people do. its a coward way of letting the receiving party rattle their mind with assumptions, which are mostly negative and is also a form of abuse because it can cause damage and do a number on someone self esteem. I've had troops on suicide watch over this very same thing. spouses giving them the silent treatment, gaslighting and ghosting them. In physiology it is considered a form of abuse. Words are necessary for any form of interaction not just for relationships.
sushiandtacos Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 OP, I think you are overthinking and driving yourself crazy. The fact of the matter is that he ghosted. You should be calling "Next!" instead of reliving the past over and over again analyzing every single thing. I think you're taking it too personally when there is no reason to, you have only been on ONE date. In regards to ghosting, it's harsh to say it's a form of abuse. NGL I have ghosted before after a first date not because I was being malicious, but because I thought silence would be a better answer than to verbally reject someone after a single date. I don't think you should label someone as abusive because they are not answering the way you want them too because that is a serious term. Going forward, especially in the early stages of dating, you have to grow a thick skin and not take things so personally. 3 1
Author Skittle2021 Posted May 2, 2021 Author Posted May 2, 2021 7 minutes ago, sushiandtacos said: OP, I think you are overthinking and driving yourself crazy. The fact of the matter is that he ghosted. You should be calling "Next!" instead of reliving the past over and over again analyzing every single thing. I think you're taking it too personally when there is no reason to, you have only been on ONE date. In regards to ghosting, it's harsh to say it's a form of abuse. NGL I have ghosted before after a first date not because I was being malicious, but because I thought silence would be a better answer than to verbally reject someone after a single date. I don't think you should label someone as abusive because they are not answering the way you want them too because that is a serious term. Going forward, especially in the early stages of dating, you have to grow a thick skin and not take things so personally. It seems that you are justifying this as well since you have done it. You talk about how YOU felt by doing it, without taking into consideration how it is taken on the receiving end. IT. IS. CRUEL. doesn't matter if you intended on it to be cruel or not, it is. It is psychologically proven to be abusive and also manipulative. I didn't self diagnose this. There are many articles on this. Oh I have thick skin, that doesn't mean that I wont be upset when disrespected and want to know why someone would behave this way, especially being an adult. I would expect chidden to act this was because they lack communication skills. Thick skin is being able to handle the truth if and when it is presented. In this situation it's not. I didnt say he was abusive I said ghosting is abusive. As for the aforementioned, I am perfectly fine. I have stated several times that I have ,made my peace with this. 1
Gaeta Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 (edited) 2 hours ago, poppyfields said: Agree, which is precisely why it's a futile waste of energy to ask a man if he is "seeking a relationship" before meeting in person as some women advocate on this forum. And I do advocate you ask a man during that very first contact: What is his purpose on this dating app. If the man says his purpose is to find a relationship and then you start dating you have to observe if his words match his actions because MANY men will pretend they want a relationship but only to get sex. But If a man tells you his purpose online is no strings attached sex, please beleive him! Some men still have some integrity and won't lie about wanting a relationship to get sex and they'll let you know. He's doing you a huge favor by telling you straight up. I have come across many men pretending to want a relationship just to have fun but I have never come across a man wanting a relationship but pretending he only wants sex. NO ONE gets up in the morning thinking he'll put himself in the no-strings-attached sex section of POF and this will double his chances of finding the mother of his future children. The liars are all in the *looking for relationship* section. Edited May 3, 2021 by Gaeta 3
Gaeta Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 52 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said: spouses giving them the silent treatment, gaslighting and ghosting them. In physiology it is considered a form of abuse. Silence treatment within a relationship is not the same as ghosting after a first date. Ghosting is part of modern dating. I hate it, we all hate it, but it's there. 2
Gaeta Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 34 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said: It seems that you are justifying this as well since you have done it. You talk about how YOU felt by doing it, without taking into consideration how it is taken on the receiving end. IT. IS. CRUEL. doesn't matter if you intended on it to be cruel or not, it is. It is psychologically proven to be abusive and also manipulative. I didn't self diagnose this. There are many articles on this. Oh I have thick skin, that doesn't mean that I wont be upset when disrespected and want to know why someone would behave this way, especially being an adult. I would expect chidden to act this was because they lack communication skills. Thick skin is being able to handle the truth if and when it is presented. In this situation it's not. I didnt say he was abusive I said ghosting is abusive. I have NEVER ghosted a man when I was online dating and let me tell you I know why people ghost after 1 meeting. Most of the time when I had to tell a man after our 1st, or 2nd date that I didn't feel enough connection to pursue further, my message was received with arguments. They would debate with me, they would keep on texting and calling wanting to know what they had done wrong or how they should have done things differently. It's a lot of drama for a total stranger you had 1 meeting with. After ONE meeting you should not even care if the guy calls you back. I know you're new to dating and you are horrified at how things are done nowadays, but none of us can change it. You have to get with the program and understand that online dating is a jungle! You will be lied to, played, ghosted, and you need to be prepared and NOT get attached right away. 2
peach302 Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 (edited) 4 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I have NEVER ghosted a man when I was online dating and let me tell you I know why people ghost after 1 meeting. Most of the time when I had to tell a man after our 1st, or 2nd date that I didn't feel enough connection to pursue further, my message was received with arguments. They would debate with me, they would keep on texting and calling wanting to know what they had done wrong or how they should have done things differently. It's a lot of drama for a total stranger you had 1 meeting with. After ONE meeting you should not even care if the guy calls you back. I know you're new to dating and you are horrified at how things are done nowadays, but none of us can change it. You have to get with the program and understand that online dating is a jungle! You will be lied to, played, ghosted, and you need to be prepared and NOT get attached right away. This does happen i agree. But not everyone reacts that way. Some will actually appreciate a person giving them clarity. Its about having integrity come what may. Ghosting..even after one date is pretty lame. I agree with OP people with good character or at the very least some balls won't do this. Edited May 3, 2021 by peach302 2
Author Skittle2021 Posted May 3, 2021 Author Posted May 3, 2021 (edited) 6 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I have NEVER ghosted a man when I was online dating and let me tell you I know why people ghost after 1 meeting. Most of the time when I had to tell a man after our 1st, or 2nd date that I didn't feel enough connection to pursue further, my message was received with arguments. They would debate with me, they would keep on texting and calling wanting to know what they had done wrong or how they should have done things differently. It's a lot of drama for a total stranger you had 1 meeting with. After ONE meeting you should not even care if the guy calls you back. I know you're new to dating and you are horrified at how things are done nowadays, but none of us can change it. You have to get with the program and understand that online dating is a jungle! You will be lied to, played, ghosted, and you need to be prepared and NOT get attached right away. This is different, you gave him an explanation, he just wouldn't accept it, thats different. Everyone wouldn't respond that way. After that then ghosting (I dont even know if I would call it that) would be acceptable. I was upset and rightfully so. I still am because I am confrontational and the need to know why is part of my makeup. I could have handled whatever it was he just didnt give me the option to do so. The is what was pissed off about. I wouldn't want to deal with anyone like that. They would never be able to handle me in a relationship if ever got that far. Edited May 3, 2021 by Skittle2021
poppyfields Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 7 minutes ago, Gaeta said: And I do advocate you ask a man during that very first contact: What is his purpose on this dating app. If the man says his purpose is to find a relationship and start dating then you have to observe if his words match his actions because MANY men will pretend they want a relationship but only to get sex. But If a man tells you his purpose online is no strings attached sex, please beleive him! Some men still have some integrity and won't lie about wanting a relationship to get sex and they'll let you know. He's doing you a huge favor by telling you straight up. I have come across many men pretending to want a relationship just to have fun but I have never come across a man wanting a relationship but pretending he only wants sex. NO ONE gets up in the morning thinking he'll put himself in the no-strings-attached sex section of POF and this will double his chances of finding the mother of his future children. The liars are all in the *looking for relationship* section. Thanks G, respect your opinion but choose to continue on my own path. To me these sorts of admissions and labels are arbitrary and don't hold much value. Romance and relationships are much too nuanced and ever changing depending on who you're actually dating. It's happened that way for me many times. As such, I choose to place my trust in the Universe and allow it to take me, take us, whetever we're meant to go. Slowly, gradually, organically. Respect your style though, it works for you, and that's all that matters. 2
Gaeta Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 Just now, peach302 said: This does happen i agree. But not everyone reacts that way. Some will actually appreciate a person giving them clarity. Ghosting..even after one date is pretty lame. I agree with OP people with good character or at the very least some balls won't do this. That's the thing. Very few people have good character online. They're good people in their real life, they go to work, pay their taxes and help a neighbor shovel during a storm but then they get online and they become horrible people with no integrity and morals. 2
Author Skittle2021 Posted May 3, 2021 Author Posted May 3, 2021 (edited) 17 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Silence treatment within a relationship is not the same as ghosting after a first date. Ghosting is part of modern dating. I hate it, we all hate it, but it's there. yes it is. It may have different ramifications, but it means the same thing: "I'm not willing to communicate." Edited May 3, 2021 by Skittle2021
Author Skittle2021 Posted May 3, 2021 Author Posted May 3, 2021 2 minutes ago, Gaeta said: That's the thing. Very few people have good character online. They're good people in their real life, they go to work, pay their taxes and help a neighbor shovel during a storm but then they get online and they become horrible people with no integrity and morals. that means they don't truly have good character. Good character is how one acts and responds in ALL situations, even moreso when no one is watching. 2 1
Gaeta Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 1 minute ago, Skittle2021 said: yes it is. It may have different ramifications, but it means the same thing: I'm not willing to communicate. After 1 date *I am not willing to communicate* means I do not wish to pursue. The silent treatment within a relationship is an act of control and abuse to get your partner to kneel. 2
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