He suddenly stopped answering my text after the first date

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

I'm not just implying it. I will outright say it to be crystal clear: you did something wrong to get ghosted.

I respectfully disagree. From the description, the guy seems like kind of a weirdo. Add to that one date and still talking to and meeting others, recent breakup and ghosting can be very likely no matter what happens on the date.

So sometimes is better not to rack your brain wondering why a first meet was a one-and-done.  Whether it's coffee, a hookup, a great date, whatever.

[d0nnivain]

@Skittle2021  I think you are somebody I, another woman BTW, could be friends with IRL.  I do think you are a strong person who knows her own mind & can assert herself when needed.   By now, after a whole day of armchair psychoanalyzing I hope 3 things are clear to you: 

1.  Your friendship first method of dating which worked from when you were younger doesn't translate perfectly to OLD.  Instead you want to make it clear that you prefer to "take things slow".   On apps & OLD "friends but open to a relationship" now translates to "no commitment" which is not what you want.  The word "slow" means what you want -- you prefer to get to know somebody before you have sex. 

2.  Going a man's house early on sends the wrong message through actions. In an ideal world women should be able to visit a man's house with zero expectations by him but we don't live in an ideal world. Bear  that in mind.  To avoid any confusion, keep early dates public. Even if some guy respects the non yet stance, you risk creating a lazy partner who will never step up to romance you.  

3.  There is a possibility that no matter what you did here a). gone home after the movie; b). did what you did; c).  not sent that text about every weekend in the future or d). actually slept with him & things could still have turned out the way they did with him ghosting you.  

All in all I'm glad you took on board some of the criticism that has been bandied about through this thread.   The # 1 goal always has to be safety both physically & emotional.  Dating can be risky but make smart choices & in the end you should get what you seek.  Meanwhile have fun.  

[Gaeta]

41 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

In a better light of what? I didn't do anything. I don't need to hide anything and I didn't say anything about not understanding how he would think I would want more than friendship by going to his house and room. I didnt really care what he thought because I know what I thought and I knew that sex was not an option and held true to that. cuddling ok...still nothing happened, him tickling me is playful.. so what... intense flirting again so what...leg massage...so what None of those things meant anything to me.

Kissing my neck, I did have a problem with and stopped it cold. 

I am really worried about what could happen to you because you are so focused on how *you* feel and unwilling to understand the message you are sending men. This man respected your wish to not have sex but one day you'll come across a man that won't accept a *no* for answer. He will view all this leg massaging, cuddling, tickling as a 'go for sex' and you'll have to fight yourself out of a date-rape. 

I remember inviting a man over for our 2nd date. I had never done it and I thought it's ok if I warn the guy it's not an invitation for sex. So the guy came over and he tried it all, flirting, cuddling, teasing, kissing. After 10 minutes of telling him 'no' I got up and asked him to leave my home. That's how an assertive woman makes her wish respected, not by taking the guy's hand and following him to his bedroom. You're too tired? you call yourself a taxi. If I tell a man I don't want sex but he keeps touching/flirting/kissing I don't reward him by sleeping in his bed, I leave. 

When he kissed you in the neck you should have left. 

[Skittle2021]

14 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

@Skittle2021  I think you are somebody I, another woman BTW, could be friends with IRL.  I do think you are a strong person who knows her own mind & can assert herself when needed.   By now, after a whole day of armchair psychoanalyzing I hope 3 things are clear to you: 

1.  Your friendship first method of dating which worked from when you were younger doesn't translate perfectly to OLD.  Instead you want to make it clear that you prefer to "take things slow".   On apps & OLD "friends but open to a relationship" now translates to "no commitment" which is not what you want.  The word "slow" means what you want -- you prefer to get to know somebody before you have sex. 

2.  Going a man's house early on sends the wrong message through actions. In an ideal world women should be able to visit a man's house with zero expectations by him but we don't live in an ideal world. Bear  that in mind.  To avoid any confusion, keep early dates public. Even if some guy respects the non yet stance, you risk creating a lazy partner who will never step up to romance you.  

3.  There is a possibility that no matter what you did here a). gone home after the movie; b). did what you did; c).  not sent that text about every weekend in the future or d). actually slept with him & things could still have turned out the way they did with him ghosting you.  

All in all I'm glad you took on board some of the criticism that has been bandied about through this thread.   The # 1 goal always has to be safety both physically & emotional.  Dating can be risky but make smart choices & in the end you should get what you seek.  Meanwhile have fun.  

Thank you so much! I think you are someone I can be friends with as well. you seemed to have summed up my personality very well in that first sentence. I agree with everything you said and yes all 3 things are very clear to me now. I haven't really dated. one been with only one man and the same man since I was 9 years old. its not a normal love story thats for sure so all my life I have been out of the dating game pretty much. now at almost my mid 30's im having to get back out there again and its so scary.Im doing the best that I can.

[d0nnivain]

17 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

. now at almost my mid 30's im having to get back out there again and its so scary.Im doing the best that I can.

I have always been a serial monogamist. .. going from LTR to LTR.  One lasted over 10 years.  I met all of them in academia.  In my mid 30s I found myself single & all the rules had changed since college.  OLD was just coming into being.  I lasted a whopping 90 days because I hated it so much. I read people so much better in person.   I was 39 when I met my husband & often joke I got the last unicorn:  straight, sane, never been married adult male with no kids.  I had never been married & had no kids either.  

Please do heed @Gaeta's warning though.  She is a much more savvy adult dater than I ever was.   Read some other posts on this board so you can see how brutal things are out there & prepare yourself.   It really isn't always about what you intend.  A large part of it is what the other person perceives & here this guy thought you were more open to sex than you were.  Saying No is not as strong as leaving.  

One of my dear friends got herself into a pickle because she didn't read the situation correctly & thought her words were enough.  She was in Atlanta for a training when one of her male friends from grad school invited her to spend a long weekend with him in Northern  Florida.  She had the time off from training so she drove down to his 1 bedroom apartment.  That should have been her 1st clue.  He took her out to dinner -- a nice place with linen table cloths, heavy silverware & candlelight.  Clue # 2.  He picked up the check.  Clue # 3.   Back at his house, he moved her overnight bag into his bedroom.  #4.   He lowered the lights in his living room #5 & opened a bottle of wine #6    She called me from a payphone at a rest stop on I-75 hysterical in tears because the guy tried to kiss her.  (this was back when car phones were bricks owned by rich people only)  It took me a while to get the above details out of her because she made it seem like he tried to rape her out of nowhere.   When I finally got her calm I explained to her that she should have gotten her own hotel room; picked a different restaurant; moved her bag back to the living room; turn up the lights & sat on a hard back chair alone, instead of the couch, if he had been her intention not to cross from friends into something else with the guy.  Any combo of the above would have saved her a lot of heartache.  I'm not saying you are that clueless but I tell you that to show you how when words & actions don't match things get mixed up.  

Edited May 1, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Skittle2021]

26 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I am really worried about what could happen to you because you are so focused on how *you* feel and unwilling to understand the message you are sending men. This man respected your wish to not have sex but one day you'll come across a man that won't accept a *no* for answer. He will view all this leg massaging, cuddling, tickling as a 'go for sex' and you'll have to fight yourself out of a date-rape. 

I remember inviting a man over for our 2nd date. I had never done it and I thought it's ok if I warn the guy it's not an invitation for sex. So the guy came over and he tried it all, flirting, cuddling, teasing, kissing. After 10 minutes of telling him 'no' I got up and asked him to leave my home. That's how an assertive woman makes her wish respected, not by taking the guy's hand and following him to his bedroom. You're too tired? you call yourself a taxi. If I tell a man I don't want sex but he keeps touching/flirting/kissing I don't reward him by sleeping in his bed, I leave. 

When he kissed you in the neck you should have left. 

I see what you are saying but again I wouldn't do this again. this was a one time thing and I felt comfortable enough to do it. he did respect my wishes. We do live in an area with taxi's and at that time of the night, I felt safer staying there than trying to catch an uber and then trying to figure out how to get my car back the next day. I didn't sense any danger and looking back, I still don't.  I said no once and he stopped. we talked until we both fell asleep thereafter. Will I go to a man's house again knowing im not going to give him sex, probably not. I also said I didnt mind the cuddling, flirting and the massaging. I made it very clear what I was uncomfortable with. I was still assertive even though you may not see it that way. I went to his room because I was comfortable to do so and I went there to go to sleep. There was no reward for him. 

[Skittle2021]

18 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I have always been a serial monogamist. .. going from LTR to LTR.  One lasted over 10 years.  I met all of them in academia.  In my mid 30s I found myself single & all the rules had changed since college.  OLD was just coming into being.  I lasted a whopping 90 days because I hated it so much. I read people so much better in person.   I was 39 when I met my husband & often joke I got the last unicorn:  straight, sane, never been married adult male with no kids.  I had never been married & had no kids either.  

Please do heed @Gaeta's warning though.  She is a much more savvy adult dater than I ever was.   Read some other posts on this board so you can see how brutal things are out there & prepare yourself.   It really isn't always about what you intend.  A large part of it is what the other person perceives & here this guy thought you were more open to sex than you were.  Saying No is not as strong as leaving.  

One of my dear friends got herself into a pickle because she didn't read the situation correctly & thought her words were enough.  She was in Atlanta for a training when one of her male friends from grad school invited her to spend a long weekend with him in Northern  Florida.  She had the time off from training so she drove down to his 1 bedroom apartment.  That should have been her 1st clue.  He took her out to dinner -- a nice place with linen table cloths, heavy silverware & candlelight.  Clue # 2.  He picked up the check.  Clue # 3.   Back at his house, he moved her overnight bag into his bedroom.  #4.   He lowered the lights in his living room #5 & opened a bottle of wine #6    She called me from a payphone at a rest stop on I-75 hysterical in tears because the guy tried to kiss her.  (this was back when car phones were bricks owned by rich people only)  It took me a while to get the above details out of her because she made it seem like he tried to rape her out of nowhere.   When I finally got her calm I explained to her that she should have gotten her own hotel room; picked a different restaurant; moved her bag back to the living room; turn up the lights & sat on a hard back chair alone, instead of the couch, if he had been her intention not to cross from friends into something else with the guy.  Any combo of the above would have saved her a lot of heartache.  I'm not saying you are that clueless but I tell you that to show you how when words & actions don't match things get mixed up.  

wow! yeah guess I have a lot to learn. Your friend's situation sounds like a nightmare. I understand what Gaeta is saying and I know I won't do this ever again because of that awareness the was presented to me today. I see now that I have led him on and feel bad about that. Its sad that men cant have open dialogue about these things instead of ghosting.

[d0nnivain]

Women ghost too.  It's not just men.  

Many people don't have clear communication skills.  Assume the person you are talking to is not clear.  Be cautious.  

[Skittle2021]

7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Women ghost too.  It's not just men.  

Many people don't have clear communication skills.  Assume the person you are talking to is not clear.  Be cautious.  

oh lord. 😑

[Gaeta]

43 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

I see what you are saying but again I wouldn't do this again. this was a one time thing and I felt comfortable enough to do it. he did respect my wishes. We do live in an area with taxi's and at that time of the night, I felt safer staying there than trying to catch an uber and then trying to figure out how to get my car back the next day. I didn't sense any danger and looking back, I still don't.  I said no once and he stopped. we talked until we both fell asleep thereafter. Will I go to a man's house again knowing im not going to give him sex, probably not. I also said I didnt mind the cuddling, flirting and the massaging. I made it very clear what I was uncomfortable with. I was still assertive even though you may not see it that way. I went to his room because I was comfortable to do so and I went there to go to sleep. There was no reward for him. 

Again, you make this all about how YOU feel.  Trusting how you feel on a 1st date will get you in big trouble. 

I told this story 100s times on here but I'll tell it again because you need to hear it. I had a first coffee once on a Sunday morning, in a public place. I had been talking on the phone with the man for almost 3 weeks, I knew his full name and where he worked. After our coffee when he offered to drop me at the metro station, it was raining, I felt safe to accept. He never dropped me at the metro station. He kept me in his car against my will for 40 minutes, driving across our city on highways, telling me he didn't want this day to end he was so happy he had met me. I had the scare of my life!! I never ever trust that *I feel safe* on a first meeting. 

[Skittle2021]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Again, you make this all about how YOU feel.  Trusting how you feel on a 1st date will get you in big trouble. 

I told this story 100s times on here but I'll tell it again because you need to hear it. I had a first coffee once on a Sunday morning, in a public place. I had been talking on the phone with the man for almost 3 weeks, I knew his full name and where he worked. After our coffee when he offered to drop me at the metro station, it was raining, I felt safe to accept. He never dropped me at the metro station. He kept me in his car against my will for 40 minutes, driving across our city on highways, telling me he didn't want this day to end he was so happy he had met me. I had the scare of my life!! I never ever trust that *I feel safe* on a first meeting. 

OMG that is crazy! I wont do it again and will make better choices going forward. I appreciate the time you are taking to drill this in. I do get what you are saying and I receive it.

[sushiandtacos]

8 hours ago, Alpaca said:

You went over to his house on the first date and cuddled and played tickle me elmo games and he was probably hoping for sex.

 

 

I might have cackled a bit too hard at this, thanks for the laugh @Alpaca 🤣

[Aus]

16 hours ago, Skittle2021 said:

 I asked a few of my male friends and they said I did nothing wrong at all. I wasn't too forward or needy and they have actually seen the text messages. They said he is probably really busy or upset that I did not put out and probably moved on to someone who will. they Also said my blunt honesty was probably too much for him and for that I wont apologize for. that is who I am. I dont beat around the bush and I didnt pretend I wanted something to get any dates. I dont things like that, never have and never will. I went outside my comfort zone by going to his house, we already established that but as my male friends have also pointed out that because I didnt give in sends a positive message that even under circumstances as intense I was able to refrain. they said there is no shame in that. This is from multiple male perspectives.

This is cringe, please read up on masculine and femnine energy when dating.

I'm not sure I like how the guy is being vilified for only wanting sex, you were complacent. you seemed to be assertive so please don't portray yourself as the victim. I will just reiterate what most posters have said, your persistent texts wanting confirmation was embarrassingly transparent in its' purpose and was the reason he backed off, NOT that you didn't give it up on the first date. 

If you're going to keep dating the way you specified above, aggressively and non apologetic, you will keep getting the same result, it turns men off.

 

 

[elaine567]

11 hours ago, Skittle2021 said:

OMG that is crazy! I wont do it again and will make better choices going forward. I appreciate the time you are taking to drill this in. I do get what you are saying and I receive it.

Thank God for that...

[Skittle2021]

1 hour ago, Aus said:

This is cringe, please read up on masculine and femnine energy when dating.

I'm not sure I like how the guy is being vilified for only wanting sex, you were complacent. you seemed to be assertive so please don't portray yourself as the victim. I will just reiterate what most posters have said, your persistent texts wanting confirmation was embarrassingly transparent in its' purpose and was the reason he backed off, NOT that you didn't give it up on the first date. 

If you're going to keep dating the way you specified above, aggressively and non apologetic, you will keep getting the same result, it turns men off.

 

 

What is your point about me being complacent???  I did not embarrass myself and I still dont feel embarrassed or bad about asking that question so you can cringe all you want. Like I have already said a million times, he was responsive, very much so, and was just as playful as he had always been. he just stopped randomly and I didn't hear from him again. If I asked a question and he backed off, then I wouldnt need to come to a forum to ask why. I am not playing anyones victim. Nothing happened to me so I dont know where you are getting that from. I was able to maintain a 17 year relationship with my type A personality so my perceived aggressiveness has nothing to do with my ability to keep a man going. Only a weak man would consider a woman who is honest and upfront a turn off. I'm not weak and I don't deal with weak men either. I wont apologize for who I am. You don't know the ins and outs of this situation to tell me what my purpose was. I already stated why I asked. it wasn't my idea. There is no underlying purpose. I explained why I asked and I'm not going to explain again. Just because a woman asks a question (something he had previously stated) does not mean she is pushy or needy. I don't beat around the bush. If it turns out that that was indeed his reason for backing off, then that is fine. The issue I have is with him ghosting me and I would have the same problem with anyone who does it. It was rude and uncalled for IMO.

Also, there were no persistent texts. I asked him once and gave further clarification because HE ASKED me to. I was not blowing up his phone sending him messages begging him to respond. It was a playful conversation until he disappeared without answering. I left it alone and did not text him anymore.  After a few days of not hearing from him and realizing I had been ghosted, I sent one last message (no need to explain myself ) for my own peace of mind and that was that. 

Edited May 2, 2021 by Skittle2021

[CollinW]

On 5/1/2021 at 7:50 AM, Calmandfocused said:

Many will disagree with me here but I would never chase a man after the first date, especially if I’d made it clear already that I was into him. In fact there’s no way I would have text him first. If he wants me, he comes to get me. End of.

Some traditions should remain in my opinion - the man pursues the woman. In my experience when it’s the other way round the man just gets turned off and dismisses the woman as “needy”

Even if a man did this, it would come off as needy and intense after a first date. Women need to stop acting as if any initiation is "chasing". It's all really insecurity and fear of rejection being dressed up as tradition. Cowardice isn't traditional. If women had experience chasing, then most wouldn't be so awkward in these situations. 

Also OP, I used to tell women I worked for the CIA during my dating years. Women loved it even if they knew it was bull. 

[peach302]

On 5/1/2021 at 1:46 PM, Skittle2021 said:

There is nothing in there about me hounding him?  I was not hounding him. You saw that and just wanted to harp on it even though i clearly explained what happened. . I asked him about it because that is what HE said he wanted to do. I asked if he was serious, because if he was, I need to plan for that, I don’t just have my schedule open. I didn’t ask again and again, I don’t know where you got that from. He said he didn’t know what I meant so I clarified it because when I initially asked, it was vague (as you so eloquently highlighted the word "that") he didn't know what "that" meant and asked for clarification. Weekly get togethers would not naturally play out because I don’t just leave my schedule open. I have a life just like he does and would not drop everything I'm doing to accommodate hanging with him every week if it was not planned out that way. I really don’t see anything wrong with what I did especially when he was the one who suggested it. 

 

And honestly, if something that minor did deter him and turn him off, then I don't want him anyway.

It sounds like hounding when someone doesn't reply to your initial question and you keep repeating  the question and demanding an answer. If he wanted to answer  the question he would have.

And you were overly interested in meeting him on a weekly basis..when you barely know the guy. Which in his books may be a turn off. He probably just wants access to your body and you're  on a completely  different page. 

[peach302]

17 hours ago, Skittle2021 said:

I don't know why this matters if nothing happened. if I go into his room whether is implies I want to it not and it doesn't happen, wouldn't that hold more weight then the perception. I am aware of what his thoughts may have been but like I have said multiple times and to him that it wasn't going to happen and I meant it. I said I wasn't a hook up girl, casual sex girl or FWB girl and I proved it so is it just the action of me going to his room that makes it contradict? I would think my actions in the room were equally telling that I meant what I said inspite of being in his room and in his bed. 

The whole situation is just strange on your part. Why even do any of those things the first time you meet someone. His house and then his bedroom and then falling asleep casually. Even more so because you never had the intention to sleep with the guy. 

It just comes  across needy or something.

How old are you?

Edited May 2, 2021 by peach302

[Skittle2021]

1 hour ago, peach302 said:

It sounds like hounding when someone doesn't reply to your initial question and you keep repeating  the question and demanding an answer. If he wanted to answer  the question he would have.

And you were overly interested in meeting him on a weekly basis..when you barely know the guy. Which in his books may be a turn off. He probably just wants access to your body and you're  on a completely  different page. 

you obviously didnt read anything I wrote so im not even going to respond to this. Ive explained this more than once. 

[Skittle2021]

56 minutes ago, peach302 said:

The whole situation is just strange on your part. Why even do any of those things the first time you meet someone. His house and then his bedroom and then falling asleep casually. Even more so because you never had the intention to sleep with the guy. 

It just comes  across needy or something.

How old are you?

your response makes no sense. I don't need to explain my actions to you. 

[Skittle2021]

1 hour ago, CollinW said:

Even if a man did this, it would come off as needy and intense after a first date. Women need to stop acting as if any initiation is "chasing". It's all really insecurity and fear of rejection being dressed up as tradition. Cowardice isn't traditional. If women had experience chasing, then most wouldn't be so awkward in these situations. 

Also OP, I used to tell women I worked for the CIA during my dating years. Women loved it even if they knew it was bull. 

Thank you for your perspective. I really appreciate it. He said he worked for the SWAT team and had his gear laid out when I went to his house. That is when I was convinced he was telling the truth.

[d0nnivain]

5 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

Thank you for your perspective. I really appreciate it. He said he worked for the SWAT team and had his gear laid out when I went to his house. That is when I was convinced he was telling the truth.

Did he tell you he worked for the CIA or SWAT?  Does the CIA have a SWAT team?  I thought the CIA was legally prohibited from working domestically so why would he have the stuff laid out? None of that rings true to me, despite where you live.   Call me cynical but it sounds like an elaborate staged lie, designed to lure naïve women into bed.  

[peach302]

21 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

your response makes no sense. I don't need to explain my actions to you. 

It does make sense ....since you're here to get clarity about why this guy ghosted you. Im giving you potential reasons. Your behaviour was just bizarre for a woman who's meeting a man for the first time but doesn't want to sleep with him. That isn't how high value women behave. 

Also you asking him that question in the first place about seeing him once a week. It shows overinvestment... he's  essentially a stranger to you and you're hanging onto his every word. What would have been more attractive on your part is leaving it upto him to contact you about it. But i still think he probably just wanted to get in your pants.

And you're  way too defensive with everyone here OP. Its not our fault the guy ghosted you but people are trying to give you their insight and you're jumping down their throats 

Edited May 2, 2021 by peach302

[Skittle2021]

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Did he tell you he worked for the CIA or SWAT?  Does the CIA have a SWAT team?  I thought the CIA was legally prohibited from working domestically so why would he have the stuff laid out? None of that rings true to me, despite where you live.   Call me cynical but it sounds like an elaborate staged lie, designed to lure naïve women into bed.  

He said he works for the CIA SWAT team. I don't know much about either to confirm any of it. I just know he had police gear, badge and gun laid out when I arrived at his house. Last night when I went to block him from facebook, I found that it had been deleted which makes him more suspect. I dont know what to think about his actual occupation anymore and act this point i'm probably not going to waste anymore energy trying to figure him out. I guess someone in here who is more familiar can shed light to if there is actually a SWAT team within the CIA. 

[Skittle2021]

Just now, peach302 said:

It does make sense ....since you're here to get clarity about why this guy ghosted you. Im giving you potential reasons.

And you're  way too defensive with everyone here OP. Its not our fault the guy ghosted you but people are trying to give you their insight and you're jumping down their throats 

I didn't jump down anyones throat  but yours.i have received all responses whether I agreed with them or not and have also stated that. you caused me of hounding with messages when I have stated in multiple replies that I did not send multiple messages asking him a question. He did not ghost me after I asked the question, he asked me to explain hat I meant because when I initially asked it, it was vague. I said this in the original OP and in further clarifications in responses to other members. I am not the type of woman to nag. I ask a question based on what he presented and he was responsive. he disappeared before he answered the question. My issue isn't so much of him answering the question its about him ditching a convo mid talk and never returning. I did not send him more messages asking him what happened and why he hasn't answered which is what you implied. I left it alone. There was no hounding. if you asked me a question and I asked you what do you mean, can you please clarify so I can respond, you are going to rearrange it and ask it again so that the person can understand. That is what happened. That is not hounding.