He suddenly stopped answering my text after the first date

[introverted1]

7 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

What does DTF mean? 

Down to F***.  Willing to have sex. 

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

 I really didn't think anything of the question and didn't think he would think anything of it either.

But you're here to learn about nowadays dating. That question did have a meaning to him and it had a meaning to all of us reading your story. It's not because it has no meaning to you that it's doesn't to others. 

[Skittle2021]

1 minute ago, introverted1 said:

Down to F***.  Willing to have sex. 

oh ok. yeah definitely wasn't.

[d0nnivain]

Down to  F word / vulgar expression for have sex.  

I am sorry this happened to you but like @Gaeta pointed out you must have your guard up. 

I also agree with @ExpatInItaly you pointing out any time delay about his texting epecially one as short as 3 hours screams insecuirty on your part.  Even if some of the other stuff hadn't happened, this alone.  It makes it sound like you were sitting by your phone.  Even if you were (bad idea) it makes you sound desperate like you don't have a life so NEVER tell somebody that.  I could understanding commenting if he waited 3 weeks to get back to you but 3 hours.  He sees that as a sign to come, thinking you are too needy & will want to control every aspect of his life. 

You have to restrain yourself emotionally.  Assume the worst & put very little stock in everything a new person tells you.  Adopt a trust but verify mentality.  

Stop thinking dating is about luck.  There is some aspect of randomness, who you are exposed to when trying to meet someone. That involves expanding your circle & unfortunately right now that involves OLD & apps.  But it's also about strategy.  That means you can't wear your heart on your sleeve.  You must project confidence & desirability.  Part of that  is a very delicate balance between showing interest & being aloof. 

[Skittle2021]

Just now, Gaeta said:

But you're here to learn about nowadays dating. That question did have a meaning to him and it had a meaning to all of us reading your story. It's not because it has no meaning to you that it's doesn't to others. 

yes I see that, but was the question that bad to just go silent? like I said earlier, he could have just said it was a joke or he wasn't serious. That would have been it. 

[elaine567]

I used to work with a girl who said her new bf worked for MI5 (UK).
He was always disappearing off to exotic places but it was all so hush hush, she couldn't contact him until he was back.. she would wait patiently until he got back in contact.
He would tell her some great stores about what he got up to in these exotic locations after he got home...
Turns out he was just some married bloke and his "missions" were just when he couldn't get away from the wife... nothing whatsoever to do with MI5...

[Alpacalia]

Just now, elaine567 said:

I used to work with a girl who said her new bf worked for MI5 (UK).
He was always disappearing off to exotic places but it was all so hush hush, she couldn't contact him until he was back.. she would wait patiently until he got back in contact.
He would tell her some great stores about what he got up to in these exotic locations after he got home...
Turns out he was just some married bloke and his "missions" were just when he couldn't get away from the wife... nothing whatsoever to do with MI5...

Yes. This guy reads like he's married or already involved.

[d0nnivain]

Just now, Skittle2021 said:

oh ok. yeah definitely wasn't.

But you climbed into this stranger's BED with him after making out & letting him rub your legs.  Exactly what message do you think that action conveyed?  Actions speak louder than words.  Although your words said no, he thought everything else you did screamed talk me into it. 

[ExpatInItaly]

11 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I don't know anybody who works at the CIA, the FBI or Homeland who leads with this info.

That seemed odd to me, too. 

A friend of mine met a guy on a dating app, and he told her the same thing on the first date: works for the CIA, would be unreachable at times, sent away for work, etc. I was skeptical. She was not. She went to his place a couple times. She believed he was legit. 

After a little digging, turns out "CIA" was actually "wife and kids" who lived in a different city (where his house actually was) He had an apartment in a my friends' city where he worked during the week (not for the CIA, not even close) 

[Skittle2021]

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

Down to  F word / vulgar expression for have sex.  

I am sorry this happened to you but like @Gaeta pointed out you must have your guard up. 

I also agree with @ExpatInItaly you pointing out any time delay about his texting epecially one as short as 3 hours screams insecuirty on your part.  Even if some of the other stuff hadn't happened, this alone.  It makes it sound like you were sitting by your phone.  Even if you were (bad idea) it makes you sound desperate like you don't have a life so NEVER tell somebody that.  I could understanding commenting if he waited 3 weeks to get back to you but 3 hours.  He sees that as a sign to come, thinking you are too needy & will want to control every aspect of his life. 

You have to restrain yourself emotionally.  Assume the worst & put very little stock in everything a new person tells you.  Adopt a trust but verify mentality.  

Stop thinking dating is about luck.  There is some aspect of randomness, who you are exposed to when trying to meet someone. That involves expanding your circle & unfortunately right now that involves OLD & apps.  But it's also about strategy.  That means you can't wear your heart on your sleeve.  You must project confidence & desirability.  Part of that  is a very delicate balance between showing interest & being aloof. 

Thank you! I was only joking about the 3 hours as well. Given how much we joked gerund during the actual date I figured he would understand it that way as he was laughing along with me in the text messages. I approached this from a friend day matter because a friendship is what I said I wanted. That is my way of taking things slow and allowing me to see off this is someone I would want a relationship with. This is how me and my ex of 17 years started. it was him saying he was looking for relationship so I guess I felt more comfortable being like this since the tone was already established during the date. Hope that make sense.

[introverted1]

She went to his place so presumably he's not married.

Assuming they are in the DC area, it's plausible he does, in fact, work for the CIA. Of course, he could be making that up, but the CIA is a huge employer (21,000+). 

[Skittle2021]

7 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

But you climbed into this stranger's BED with him after making out & letting him rub your legs.  Exactly what message do you think that action conveyed?  Actions speak louder than words.  Although your words said no, he thought everything else you did screamed talk me into it. 

I did not make out with him. I never even kissed him. I fell asleep in his bed because it was late and he started kissing on me in which I stopped it. the leg rub (clothes on) was just a  simple massage while we were sitting on the couch because my legs were sore from the run I did earlier. I didnt see anything sexual about it.

Edited May 1, 2021 by Skittle2021

[Skittle2021]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That seemed odd to me, too. 

A friend of mine met a guy on a dating app, and he told her the same thing on the first date: works for the CIA, would be unreachable at times, sent away for work, etc. I was skeptical. She was not. She went to his place a couple times. She believed he was legit. 

After a little digging, turns out "CIA" was actually "wife and kids" who lived in a different city (where his house actually was) He had an apartment in a my friends' city where he worked during the week (not for the CIA, not even close) 

I did see his CIA stuff when I went to his house. Unless he stole their gear, that seemed to solidify it for me. 

 

[Skittle2021]

1 minute ago, introverted1 said:

She went to his place so presumably he's not married.

Assuming they are in the DC area, it's plausible he does, in fact, work for the CIA. Of course, he could be making that up, but the CIA is a huge employer (21,000+). 

we are in the DC area. I am military and am stationed here.

[ExpatInItaly]

Just now, Skittle2021 said:

I did not make out with him. I never even kissed him. I fell asleep in his bed because it was late and he started kissing on me in which I stopped it. the leg rub (clothes on) was just a  simple massage while were sitting on the couch because my legs were sore from the run I did earlier. I didnt see anything sexual about it 

Then you need a refresher on how horny men operate, Skittle, if I may be blunt. 

 

[Skittle2021]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

Then you need a refresher on how horny men operate, Skittle, if I may be blunt. 

 

yes, please be as blunt as possible. I am learning alot. 

[mortensorchid]

We've all been in some situation like this in the past.  You (both) gave too much too soon.  You didn't have sex but you jumped into the situation far too quickly, and on one end (in this case his) it burned out and you have been nexted.  It happens.  Years ago once I had an OLD where this guy and I were very much like you described when we met.  We didn't end up with a sleepover like you did in this story, but I said to myself "Ok, if he's sincere then he will contact me after this get together".  And I never heard a word from him again.  Actions speak louder than words in every case.  And he's said he's not interested for whatever reason. 

 

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

yes I see that, but was the question that bad to just go silent? like I said earlier, he could have just said it was a joke or he wasn't serious. That would have been it. 

Yes the question was THAT bad and this under any type of circumstances. Even with a man that is 100% genuine with you, you do NOT ask that type of question + you don't point out their reply delay after 1 date. 

Sure, he could have said he was not serious BUT if you expect a stranger to be 100% honest with you, you will be highly disappointed. 

What you want to do at the beginning of dating like this, you want to let the guy show you what he's made of. You don't chase him, don't ask him if he's serious, don't point out his text delay. You simply stand by and let him show you with his *actions* that he's serious, he's answering within normal delays, he's quick to set a second date, etc. If you chase him, then you can't assess if his heart is in the right place. 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

yes, please be as blunt as possible. I am learning alot. 

Man invites you into his home the first time he meets you. To watch movies and "cuddle."

Tries to warm you up with a leg massage.

Invites you into his bed.

Starts kissing you. 

That is a man who was trying to ease you into foreplay annd sex.

Do you really not see the connection between all these moments? If you want to have sex on a first meeting, hey, have at it. (or not) But I don't know what red-blooded man is going to offer platonic, therapeutic, at-home  leg massages to his date with no sexual thoughts and I am rather surprised you didn't pick up on this, either. 

Edited May 1, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Skittle2021]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

Yes the question was THAT bad and this under any type of circumstances. Even with a man that is 100% genuine with you, you do NOT ask that type of question + you don't point out their reply delay after 1 date. 

Sure, he could have said he was not serious BUT if you expect a stranger to be 100% honest with you, you will be highly disappointed. 

What you want to do at the beginning of dating like this, you want to let the guy show you what he's made of. You don't chase him, don't ask him if he's serious, don't point out his text delay. You simply stand by and let him show you with his *actions* that he's serious, he's answering within normal delays, he's quick to set a second date, etc. If you chase him, then you can't assess if his heart is in the right place. 

I see. this is all new to me. All the I know and have grown up with (from NY) are as blunt as I am and aren't intimidated or turned off by small things like that. Most of them actually like it when a woman is open and honest about what she wants. Even randomly talking to guys, they say that they love it when women are honest with them about what they want so they don't have to guess. I guess I took that and ran with it, but i've always been the blunt honest person. Since I never told him that I ws interested in any relationship I assumed that anything I said wouldn't be perceived in that way. I was wrong again. I feel like he created a situation by his lack of response that could have easily been squashed with a reply. 

[Gaeta]

9 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

I did not make out with him. 

Doesn't matter. 

There is a saying if you don't intent on having sex then stay out of the man's bed. 

[Skittle2021]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Man invites you into his home the first time he meets you. To watch movies and "cuddle."

Tries to warm you up with a leg massage.

Invites you into his bed.

Starts kissing you. 

That is a man who was trying to ease you into foreplay annd sex.

Do you really not see the connection between all these moments? If you want to have sex on a first meeting, hey, have at it. (or not) But I don't know what red-blooded man is going to offer platonic, therapeutic, at-home  leg massages to his date with no sexual thoughts and I am rather surprised you didn't pick up on this, either. 

I have to laugh at myself when reading this  because like I said, I didn't see it this way. Maybe he is mad that I didn't put out. if that is the case then oh well.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

I have to laugh at myself when reading this  because like I said, I didn't see it this way. Maybe he is mad that I didn't put out. if that is the case then oh well.

He might not be mad, exactly, but just not interested. 

Edited May 1, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Skittle2021]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

Doesn't matter. 

There is a saying if you don't intent on having sex then stay out of the man's bed. 

but me being in his bed is really not the issue because nothing happened. It's about the text message or lack thereof. Even if he told me he wasn't interested I would have been fine. Its the not knowing that im having a hard time dealing with. Im struggling with is he really unreachable and no access to his phone right now or is that he just isn't interested anymore. what if I write him off and he really is doing CIA stuff that he hasn't been near his phone. That is my dilemma. 

[Gaeta]

3 hours ago, Skittle2021 said:

he invited me back to his house to watch more movies. Normally I wouldn't do this, but I felt completely comfortable with him.

An invitation to follow him home was an invitation for sex. You can debate this ALL you want, when a man suggests you follow him home on a 1st date he's got something in mind. We women tend to romantize it, men don't. Home = Sex.

When you accepted his invitation to go home you sent the signal you were up for sex. You normally don't do this BUT he doesn't know, to him you clearly indicated you were up for this and you probably did this often as well. EVEN if you told this man *I normally don't do this but Ok I'll go* he won't beleive you. He'll think it's just a thing you say. 

So, you accepted his invitation to follow him home, in his  mind you're up for sex, sex doesn't happen, that sends him the message you'll end up being a woman he needs to put some work into to get to bed, he lost interest. 

Edited May 1, 2021 by Gaeta