He suddenly stopped answering my text after the first date

[Skittle2021]

I met a guy on a dating app who works for the CIA and we went out to the movies for the first date. We had a GREAT time laughing and flirting throughout the movie. He kept throwing popcorn at me and teasing me and making me laugh. He even mentioned another date while we were watching. When the movie was over, we walked to our cars and to my surprise he sparked up a conversation. We talked in the parking garage for over an hour until I mentioned talking the conversation elsewhere. He asked me what I wanted to do and after not knowing what to do since it was getting late,  he invited me back to his house to watch more movies. Normally I wouldn't do this, but I felt completely comfortable with him. We get to the his house, he gives me a tour and we watch movies all night with heavy flirting to include, tickling, teasing, play hitting etc, all initiated by him. He even gave me a leg massage. We also cuddled a lot on the couch. While cuddling, he said that  we should do this every week or once a month. After all of that, I had no doubt that we were both enjoying ourselves and that he definitely wanted to see me again. It got super late and I was too tired to drive back, so he took my hand and walked me to his bedroom so he could go to sleep. I felt comfortable so I went. We cuddled again and we fell asleep. then, he started kissing on my neck and rubbing on my back, it got pretty intense and we were both super horny,  but I stopped it. I would be lying if I said I didn't want to give in,  but I'm not one for first date or casual sex, and I wasn't willing to risk getting hurt if he decided not to call me after that night. He respected that and then we just started talking about life, past relationships, why it ended, how we both feel bout sex, what we are looking for etc. He mentioned that he was fresh out of a relationship 5-6 months ago but no lingering feelings for his ex and said he was looking for a relationship. We talked until we both fell asleep. I woke up, he walked me to my car and I drove home. 

I was extremely tired from staying up all night so I took a shower and went back to sleep. When I woke up and checked may phone, there was nothing from him. I assumed he went back to sleep as well especially being that a it was his day off. When evening came, I sent him a playful message asking him if he fell back asleep after I left. He responded 3 hours later confirming that he did. I playfully replied teasing him about the 3 hour response lag and then asked him if he was serious about us doing "that" every week.. he responded reminding me that he was in the training that he told me her had to do earlier in our date. he also reminded me of what he told me earlier about him being in a location where electronics aren't allowed as the reason as to why he may take a long time to reply. He did mention this to me twice during our date because he wanted me to know that he wasn't ignoring me. I told him I understood and just wanted him to confirm the previous question. I was very vague with how I asked so he asked me to clarify what I meant and started teasing me about it. This playful back and forth about that I was asking went on for a few texts. I clarified by asking him if he was serious about us spending time together every week.He then stopped responding which was odd. I waited a day and followed up asking if he intended to ever answer my question....no response. It has been 3 days now with no response. Im trying not to think negatively because he did explain why he may not respond, but her has never gone more than a day without responding to me. At this point, I couldn't help but think about how much worse ii would feel if I had given in and had sex with him and then to have this happen. I was even more proud of myself that I didnt, but I still feel bd and confused about what is going on.

What should I do? Am I overreacting and panicking for no reason? Does this mean he isn't interested or lost interest? Does working for the CIA really make a person that busy where they can't respond for days at a time? is it safe to say I won't hear from him again? 

 

 

[jspice]

He’s looking for sex. You didn’t give him any and didn’t promise sex for the next date. 

[Skittle2021]

11 minutes ago, jspice said:

He’s looking for sex. You didn’t give him any and didn’t promise sex for the next date. 

wow! is its really that cut and dry from what I wrote?

[introverted1]

34 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

I was extremely tired from staying up all night so I took a shower and went back to sleep. When I woke up and checked may phone, there was nothing from him. I assumed he went back to sleep as well especially being that a it was his day off. When evening came, I sent him a playful message asking him if he fell back asleep after I left. He responded 3 hours later confirming that he did. I playfully replied teasing him about the 3 hour response lag and then asked him if he was serious about us doing "that" every week.. he responded reminding me that he was in the training that he told me her had to do earlier in our date. he also reminded me of what he told me earlier about him being in a location where electronics aren't allowed as the reason as to why he may take a long time to reply. He did mention this to me twice during our date because he wanted me to know that he wasn't ignoring me. I told him I understood and just wanted him to confirm the previous question. I was very vague with how I asked so he asked me to clarify what I meant and started teasing me about it. This playful back and forth about that I was asking went on for a few texts. I clarified by asking him if he was serious about us spending time together every week.He then stopped responding which was odd. I waited a day and followed up asking if he intended to ever answer my question....no response. It has been 3 days now with no response. Im trying not to think negatively because he did explain why he may not respond, but her has never gone more than a day without responding to me. At this point, I couldn't help but think about how much worse ii would feel if I had given in and had sex with him and then to have this happen. I was even more proud of myself that I didnt, but I still feel bd and confused about what is going on.

This was too much, too soon. 

Why were you hounding him to commit to weekly sleep-overs after just one date?  You asked, he deflected, and then you asked again...  and again.  Even if weekly get togethers are what would have naturally played out, you insisting on a guarantee is a turn-off.

Next time, slow your roll. 

[jspice]

11 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

wow! is its really that cut and dry from what I wrote?

Yes. 
You think all those details you wrote matter.

He threw popcorn at me. It was so romantic. 
He mentioned another date 🥰🥰

We couldn’t think of where to go. Oh no! Luckily he came up with his place right there, just on the spur of the moment. 
You’re thinking “we should do this again” means “we should date again”. He means “we should cuddle again because look how far I got her to go on our first date. Right in my bed! Damn I’m good.”

 I know you want to think this is a love story for the ages but look at the real cold hard facts. 
 

He hasn’t called you in three days. Even if it was work related, an interested man would never want you to get the wrong idea that he’s NOT interested. 
 

As it happens I’ve dated mostly military men. They often go away or are in communicado for a period of time. If they’re going away they tell me that and when they’ll be able to talk again. And as soon as that day comes they get in touch. 
 

One man who I wasn’t even dating exclusively was going in to some bunker where they couldn’t have phones. He gave me the number of his friend who would be above ground if I needed to reach him.

My brother-in-law is pretty high ranking Navy at the pentagon. Bad/ no signal down in his office but he damn sure checks in at home when he goes for lunch or on a break. 
 

If he does contact you I’ll happily eat my words. I hope so because nobody deserves the scummy things people do in the dating world. 
Forget about him. If he comes back with a suitable explanation  that you buy then by all means, go from there. 

[Skittle2021]

2 minutes ago, jspice said:

Yes. 
You think all those details you wrote matter.

He threw popcorn at me. It was so romantic. 
He mentioned another date 🥰🥰

We couldn’t think of where to go. Oh no! Luckily he came up with his place right there, just on the spur of the moment. 
You’re thinking “we should do this again” means “we should date again”. He means “we should cuddle again because look how far I got her to go on our first date. Right in my bed! Damn I’m good.”

 I know you want to think this is a love story for the ages but look at the real cold hard facts. 
 

He hasn’t called you in three days. Even if it was work related, an interested man would never want you to get the wrong idea that he’s NOT interested. 
 

As it happens I’ve dated mostly military men. They often go away or are in communicado for a period of time. If they’re going away they tell me that and when they’ll be able to talk again. And as soon as that day comes they get in touch. 
 

One man who I wasn’t even dating exclusively was going in to some bunker where they couldn’t have phones. He gave me the number of his friend who would be above ground if I needed to reach him.

My brother-in-law is pretty high ranking Navy at the pentagon. Bad/ no signal down in his office but he damn sure checks in at home when he goes for lunch or on a break. 
 

If he does contact you I’ll happily eat my words. I hope so because nobody deserves the scummy things people do in the dating world. 
Forget about him. If he comes back with a suitable explanation  that you buy then by all means, go from there. 

Ok, got it! Thank you for that explanation. I will just forget about him then. I wasn't trying to romanticize it I just didnt expect him to full on ignore my texts. haha!

[Skittle2021]

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

This was too much, too soon. 

Why were you hounding him to commit to weekly sleep-overs after just one date?  You asked, he deflected, and then you asked again...  and again.  Even if weekly get togethers are what would have naturally played out, you insisting on a guarantee is a turn-off.

Next time, slow your roll. 

There is nothing in there about me hounding him?  I was not hounding him. You saw that and just wanted to harp on it even though i clearly explained what happened. . I asked him about it because that is what HE said he wanted to do. I asked if he was serious, because if he was, I need to plan for that, I don’t just have my schedule open. I didn’t ask again and again, I don’t know where you got that from. He said he didn’t know what I meant so I clarified it because when I initially asked, it was vague (as you so eloquently highlighted the word "that") he didn't know what "that" meant and asked for clarification. Weekly get togethers would not naturally play out because I don’t just leave my schedule open. I have a life just like he does and would not drop everything I'm doing to accommodate hanging with him every week if it was not planned out that way. I really don’t see anything wrong with what I did especially when he was the one who suggested it. 

 

And honestly, if something that minor did deter him and turn him off, then I don't want him anyway.

Edited May 1, 2021 by Skittle2021

[Calmandfocused]

People say and do things in the heat of the moment which they don’t mean. Not intentionally to deceive, it’s because they feel good in the moment . 
 

That date was waaaay too intense for a first date! Big time! 
 

I think you’ve shot yourself in the foot by the way you behaved after the date. I expect he’s perceiving you as over demanding and intense, and he’s uncomfortable about you trying to hold him to account for something he said which he probably didn’t mean. 
 

Many will disagree with me here but I would never chase a man after the first date, especially if I’d made it clear already that I was into him. In fact there’s no way I would have text him first. If he wants me, he comes to get me. End of.

Some traditions should remain in my opinion - the man pursues the woman. In my experience when it’s the other way round the man just gets turned off and dismisses the woman as “needy”, 

[Skittle2021]

1 minute ago, Calmandfocused said:

People say and do things in the heat of the moment which they don’t mean. Not intentionally to deceive, it’s because they feel good in the moment . 
 

That date was waaaay too intense for a first date! Big time! 
 

I think you’ve shot yourself in the foot by the way you behaved after the date. I expect he’s perceiving you as over demanding and intense, and he’s uncomfortable about you trying to hold him to account for something he said which he probably didn’t mean. 
 

Many will disagree with me here but I would never chase a man after the first date, especially if I’d made it clear already that I was into him. In fact there’s no way I would have text him first. If he wants me, he comes to get me. End of.

Some traditions should remain in my opinion - the man pursues the woman. In my experience when it’s the other way round the man just gets turned off and dismisses the woman as “needy”, 

How did I behave exactly? Nothing happened, we didn't have sex. he came on to me and I turned him down so please help me understand what behavior are you referring to? Asking if he meant what he said about weekly get togethers is me chasing him? Since when does being honest and upfront chasing a man? I didn't come up with that, he did, I was only asking if he was serious. I agree with men pursuing the woman but I don't see how I was pursuing him at all. 

From what I know, there are many stories of people actually having sex on the first date and they aren't judged but I didn't have sex and im still being judged on my behavior. I'm so confused. What exactly did I do and how was I over-demanding?

[introverted1]

16 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

There is nothing in there about me hounding him?  I was not hounding him. You saw that and just wanted to harp on it even though i clearly explained what happened. . I asked him about it because that is what HE said he wanted to do. I asked if he was serious, because if he was, I need to plan for that, I don’t just have my schedule open. I didn’t ask again and again, I don’t know where you got that from. He said he didn’t know what I meant so I clarified it because when I initially asked, it was vague (as you so eloquently highlighted the word "that") he didn't know what "that" meant and asked for clarification. Weekly get togethers would not naturally play out because I don’t just leave my schedule open. I have a life just like he does and would not drop everything I'm doing to accommodate hanging with him every week if it was not planned out that way. I really don’t see anything wrong with what I did especially when he was the one who suggested it.

It appears you asked 4 times.  Even if there was a lack of clarity initially, he can certainly pick up on your insistence on getting a response to this question. He deflected the question the first time you asked and stopped contact altogether on the 4th ask. 

Quote

 When evening came, I sent him a playful message asking him if he fell back asleep after I left. He responded 3 hours later confirming that he did. I playfully replied teasing him about the 3 hour response lag and then asked him if he was serious about us doing "that" every week.. he responded reminding me that he was in the training that he told me her had to do earlier in our date. he also reminded me of what he told me earlier about him being in a location where electronics aren't allowed as the reason as to why he may take a long time to reply. He did mention this to me twice during our date because he wanted me to know that he wasn't ignoring me. I told him I understood and just wanted him to confirm the previous question. I was very vague with how I asked so he asked me to clarify what I meant and started teasing me about it. This playful back and forth about that I was asking went on for a few texts. I clarified by asking him if he was serious about us spending time together every week.He then stopped responding which was odd. I waited a day and followed up asking if he intended to ever answer my question....no response.

You'd had one date, and then you repeatedly asked if he meant his comment about doing "that" weekly.  It's too much. 

First off, people say things in the moment that they don't mean or that aren't meant to be taken literally.

Second, it was one date!  It's too soon to worry about syncing up your schedules.  Worry about that when/if he asks for date #2 and it's hard to arrange.  That's when you can say your schedule is pretty tight and you typically need X days advance notice to plan. There is no way a man who has met you once is going to agree to sync up schedules for a weekly meeting!

I'm sorry it upsets you to hear this. I don't say it to upset you but rather to show you how your own actions may have created the situation you are in. That is the point of asking for advice on an anonymous board, right?

Good luck.

p.s.  There is an "ignore" function you can use so you won't see a poster's responses.

Edited May 1, 2021 by introverted1

[Skittle2021]

Just now, introverted1 said:

It appears you asked 4 times.  Even if there was a lack of clarity initially, he can certainly pick up on your insistence on getting a response to this question. He deflected the question the first time you asked and stopped contact altogether on the 4th ask. 

You'd had one date, and then you repeatedly asked if he meant his comment about doing "that" weekly.  It's too much. 

First off, people say things in the moment that they don't mean or that aren't meant to be taken literally.

Second, it was one date!  It's too soon to worry about syncing up your schedules.  Worry about that when/if he asks for date #2 and it's hard to arrange.  That's when you can say your schedule is pretty tight and you typically need X days advance notice to plan. There is no way a man who has met you once is going to agree to sync up schedules for a weekly meeting!

I'm sorry it upsets you to hear this. I don't say it to upset you but rather to show you how your own actions may have created the situation you are in. That is the point of asking for advice on an anonymous board, right?

Good luck.

no you are right, it is the point for asking for advice. I just didn't see it that way. I didn't see anything wrong with asking him if he meant what he said. I guess now I know. I expected him to say no I was just joking or yes I was serious but instead he went silent. I would have been fine either way. 

[Skittle2021]

Now I feel bad because that is not what I intended to do. We agreed to be movie buddies so I was trying to do just that like he suggested. I had no idea he was going to perceive it that way or at least talk to me about it. I didn't say anything about wanting to be with him and I dont even know if I do. I thought we were both open to developing a friendship and that is partly why I didn't see anything wrong with what I did. Does that really warrant the silent treatment though. why couldn't he just say I was just joking if he didn't' t mean it. To me his out was very easy.

 

Should I apologize for being so forward? or just never text him again.

Edited May 1, 2021 by Skittle2021

[Eternal Sunshine]

Once during a first date, a guy told me that our children will have beautiful green eyes. Imagine if I texted him after: "Did you really mean that we will have children? When?". It's silly. There are many comments that people make in heat of the moment. Maybe you haven't dated much? This guy likely has an impression that he will have to watch everything he says because he will be held accountable. It kills the fun vibe of early dating.

[Alfano]

I highly doubt he works for the CIA.

[Skittle2021]

5 minutes ago, Eternal Sunshine said:

Once during a first date, a guy told me that our children will have beautiful green eyes. Imagine if I texted him after: "Did you really mean that we will have children? When?". It's silly. There are many comments that people make in heat of the moment. Maybe you haven't dated much? This guy likely has an impression that he will have to watch everything he says because he will be held accountable. It kills the fun vibe of early dating.

well, your assumption is right, I haven't. I have been in one long relationship for 17 years which ended year ago and now im trying to navigate myself back into the dating world and its very scary and harsh.

[Alpacalia]

Right.

CIA agents are usually not allowed to reveal what they do for a living.

You may have been duped.

[introverted1]

Top 10 CIA Myths

Quote

Myth 4: All CIA officers are quiet, mysterious, live undercover and lie about where they work

While some officers do live undercover, many do not. And while some of us may be able to confirm that we work for the CIA, we may have to deny you details. Actually, for the majority of our officers, working at the CIA is very similar to working any other nine-to-five job in terms of logistics and lifestyle. The work we do may be secret, but our lives aren’t. CIA officers lead typical lives — we have kids and pets, we workout at the gym, watch movies, eat out, spend time with friends, and do volunteer work. We come from a variety of backgrounds and an array of educational expertise.

We’re ordinary people with extraordinary responsibility, and a drive to use our talents to protect American national security interests.

 

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, Skittle2021 said:

well, your assumption is right, I haven't. I have been in one long relationship for 17 years which ended year ago and now im trying to navigate myself back into the dating world and its very scary and harsh.

You need to stick around here and read lots of threads in this dating section. Dating is brutal these days. You cannot beleive anything a man tells you on a first meeting. Actually you cannot beleive anything he says until you are officially dating. People lie, deceive, play each other more than ever since the creation of online dating. There are ways to navigate around this and we will be happy to be your friends through this. 

This man does not work for the CIA. No he didn't mean it when he said you should do this on weekly basis, it was just something he said to take you to bed. He has now lost interest because he knows sex has meaning to you and he's not willing to get into that. 

[Skittle2021]

6 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Top 10 CIA Myths

 

I am just a big ballot confusion right now. He's told me that sometimes he cant respond for a while and I shouldn't think that he doesn't want to talk or is blowing me off. maybe I should just send one final text and apologize for making him feel uncomfortable because that wasn't my intention. 

 

Edited May 1, 2021 by Skittle2021

[d0nnivain]

I don't know anybody who works at the CIA, the FBI or Homeland who leads with this info.  I can't imagine the agency would allow somebody to announce it on an dating App.  Waaayyyyy too much of a security risk.  This guy lied to you from the get go & you bought it hook line & sinker.  It was a ruse to get out of calling you.  

Go re-watch the movie True Lies so you can have a good laugh.  

IMO, if you are not DTF never get into bed with somebody.  Just don't.  It sends the wrong message.  It's a slippery slope.  I promises if you two had been drinking you would not have been able to refrain.  He still would not have called. 

Delete & move on.  He's not going to call & if he does, you shouldn't want him to because he's not a truthful reliable guy.  

Edited May 1, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Skittle2021]

Just now, d0nnivain said:

I don't know anybody who works at the CIA, the FBI or Homeland who leads with this info.  I can't imagine the agency would allow somebody to announce it on an dating App.  Waaayyyyy too much of a security risk.  This guy lied to you from the get go & you bought it hook line & sinker.  It was a ruse to get out of calling you.  

Go re-watch the movie True Lies so can have a good laugh.  

IMO, if you are not DTF never get into bed with somebody.  Just don't.  It sends the wrong message.  It's a slippery slope.  I promises if you two had been drinking you would not have been able to refrain.  He still would not have called. 

Delete & move on.  He's not going to call & if he does, you shouldn't want him to because he's not a truthful reliable guy.  

Thank you. On the dating app, it said he worked for the government. He didn't tell me he was CIA until we actually talked over the phone. What does DTF mean? 

[Skittle2021]

4 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You need to stick around here and read lots of threads in this dating section. Dating is brutal these days. You cannot beleive anything a man tells you on a first meeting. Actually you cannot beleive anything he says until you are officially dating. People lie, deceive, play each other more than ever since the creation of online dating. There are ways to navigate around this and we will be happy to be your friends through this. 

This man does not work for the CIA. No he didn't mean it when he said you should do this on weekly basis, it was just something he said to take you to bed. He has now lost interest because he knows sex has meaning to you and he's not willing to get into that. 

Thank you! what a bummer. I am starting to see how brutal it is. My friends sleep around and don't have this problem. I don't, and seem to have the worst luck when it comes to dating.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Skittle2021 said:

He responded 3 hours later confirming that he did. I playfully replied teasing him about the 3 hour response lag

Girl. He knows this isn't playful teasing. It's your insecurity getting the best of you and trying to couch it as a "joke." He had already explained this to you previously, so yes, he probably started to get annoyed. 

 

2 hours ago, Skittle2021 said:

he said that  we should do this every week or once a month.

Having said the above, this is a weird suggestion. It reads a lot more like a FWB proposition than an invitiation to be "movie buddies." It sounds to me like he's after sex, first and foremost. 

 

[Skittle2021]

11 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Top 10 CIA Myths

 

I am just a big ballot confusion right now. He's told me that sometimes he cant respond for a while and I shouldn't think that he doesn't want to talk or is blowing me off. maybe I should just send one final text and apologize for making him feel uncomfortable because that wasn't my intention. 

[Skittle2021]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Girl. He knows this isn't playful teasing. It's your insecurity getting the best of you and trying to couch it as a "joke." He had already explained this to you previously, so yes, he probably started to get annoyed. 

 

Having said the above, this is a weird suggestion. It reads a lot more like a FWB proposition than an invitiation to be "movie buddies." It sounds to me like he's after sex, first and foremost. 

 

I see. well he wasn't going to get that. I wasn't even worried about that at all. Also, it was his day off so I knew that explanation about not being around electronics didn't apply. I really didn't think anything of the question and didn't think he would think anything of it either.

Edited May 1, 2021 by Skittle2021