Gentlemen, Marriage & 'Tawdry' Facebook Friends

[Southern Cali Girl]

Greetings.

Apologies, for this is, yes, a Facebook question.

I am being courted by a chap of wonderful background who has taken interest in me through my work, and my writing (and my looks), which then became a Facebook friendship.  My page is quite classic, a "girl in pearls" type, and my posts usually about politics and literature--nothing very personal.  I quite like him, great background and education, and we've spoken and written alot, all of it grown up and intelligent and "playful".  In humorous exaggeration when I write something he finds particularly smart or witty, he expresses desire for marriage. I do think he is quite fond of me,

He is flying out to see me here in New York (and his two sons, he has been divorced some years) and this is scheduled for next month. 

However, by chance exploration of his FB page, I notice that as of recently and very recently, he is adding more and more women who are what Grandma might have called "tawdry".  Not "shaming' the sisterhood or anything, but I mean some photos are sexual/pornographic; others just selfie after selfie of breasts (not seemingly natural) up to here and the puckering face like this and that....It is a bit of world away from my boarding school and European university self and it truly bothers me.

I would truly appreciate the perspective of both women and men on this, if possible.  It makes me deeply uncomfortable, and I suspect I would not be truly relaxed seeing him

 

Many thanks

 

  

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

I would definitely be put off by what you described.  I suspect it would make be uninterested (less interested for sure) as I’d feel like I could not relate to him as well.

So he is adding the women as friends who have posted those images, and they are showing up on his page? Is he liking them? Or are you just looking at the profiles of the people he is adding? If he is liking the photos, I’d pass in a heartbeat.

If they are just people he is “friends” with perhaps still meeting him in a public place in NYC would give you a chance to get a better read on what he is like. One one hand it’s just a meeting not a commitment. On the other hand, if you feel really uncomfortable, usually it’s best to heed your intuition. 

Sounds like you don’t live near each other, so would this be a potential LDR? Would you want that? If he’s just a friend and that’s all you want it to be, I probably would meet him.

Good luck. 

 

 

 

[Acacia98]

Personally, I'd lose interest in meeting him. His actions online are a reflection of who he is. If you're not comfortable with them, you're not compatible.

[basil67]

As you not intending to shaming the sisterhood or anything, I will remove the parts of this which shame the sisterhood.

What we're left with is: This man is someone you've never met.  It's apparently OK for you to add him as a random stranger on FB.  And it's OK for him to add you as a random stranger.  But it's not OK for him to add other women who are random strangers.  Does this sum it up?   Sounds a bit hypocritical.  Are you expecting him to stop interacting with other women when he's never met you and the whole thing may lead to nothing?

If you want the type of man who doesn't add random women to FB, then don't fraternise with a man who suggests getting to know you over FB.  

 

 

 

 

Edited May 1, 2021 by basil67

[Maldives]

That's a typical male lol were all like that haha but it's not a deal breaker 

[glows]

If it makes you uncomfortable, don't meet with him. You may have assumed too much that isn't there at all or he's just a smooth talker with no real substance. 

You owe him no explanation at all either for what you've found if you'd rather not have that conversation. This is just some dude you started chatting with online who also happens to have family out where you live. Is that a real coincidence or a lie? They may not be his sons but a couple of those ladies on his list. 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Southern Cali Girl said:

He is flying out to see me and his two sons, 

Keep in mind that you are just penpals and not dating.

He's visiting family so if you want to get together for coffee, fine. Make sure you stop overinvesting in an imaginary "relationship".

If you want to hook up with some stranger who's visiting family, that's up to you.

It doesn't matter if you are "not that type and wear pearls", that kind of snootiness doesn't mean as much as your comportment in person.

He's not your BF, you don't know him and you're getting upset over nothing..

It's odd you're not on dating apps and talking to and meeting men locally.

If you want social media pals, for common interests that's great, but it's not dating.

If you are more conservative about dating, try getting a good profile and pics on quality dating apps. Perhaps relationship focused apps such as eHarmony, etc.

Edited May 1, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Sun Seeker]

You do realise, just like nearly every other man on Earth, he is likely watching actual porn most nights? And you are upset over a few sexy women added on FB?

If you were in a relationship I could understand the issue, but you haven't even met yet.

[SaraSays]

You're not in a relationship with him, so I don't think this should bother you, and I don't think you should go looking through his social media.

[elaine567]

Plenty guys on FB who are not adding half naked women to their pages.
Leave him to his "tawdry" women... 
You don't need to associate with a guy like this, you have a lot more class than that.

[d0nnivain]

Are you interested in dating him or these woman friends of his?  My FB is filled with people of various backgrounds.  To judge me by their actions is unfair.  Similarly for him to like a sexy picture does not mean he's wholesale approving of every choice they make.  People can only control themselves not others around them.  The whole birds of a feather flock together thing doesn't apply all that precisely to virtual friendships.  A person's social media is not necessarily a branding thing where the person can be labeled based on their friends.  You also need to ascertain whether he knows these women or if he's only virtual friends with them, vicariously enjoying some mild titillation.  

Edited May 2, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Versacehottie]

I think the part that would bother me the most is that he "mined" you through FB and is also adding a bunch of new women on FB at the same time.  Guessing it coincides with him becoming somewhat recently single & having some success with FB flirting lol.  Then he probably gets overexcited by the possibility and starts adding all sorts of women--including those that seems outside of what he would normally associate with and probably doesn't actually "know".  I suppose if his strategy of hitting on you was working to the extent that he is coming to visit you (and keeps throwing out the word marriage), and then subsequently you see that he's adding a bunch of new women--of whatever type, tawdry or not--that would make me suspicious.  Basically though if you've never met in person you should have your guard up a bit anyway. 

I think in general you are likely getting a lot of lines from this guy who sees FB as easy pickings and is in for some more possibly.  That would be a turnoff.  

[ShyViolet]

This is a stranger who you've never met who lives across the country.  Why are you even getting so invested in a man who has to fly out in order to see you?  What do you expect to come of this?  And considering the above, the fact that he suggested marriage is a red flag.  That's just crazy.

[smackie9]

Yes he's a man and can do whatever he wants with his FB page. But I agree with you, this would make me feel uncomfortable too. Even if I was single right now, I wouldn't be adding shirtless hot guys on my FB page. It would be embarrassing. And this boys will be boys thing...those are the boys you avoid. There are plenty of kool dudes that don't have pouty lipped women on display on their IG/FB or whatever. You owe this guy nothing, decline to meet him because he's already a waste of your time.

[spiderowl]

Yes, I agree with you.  With my European university background, I would also have found this too much.  It would put me off him.  It says something about him though I am not sure what.

Think twice about going ahead with this.

[Alpacalia]

He's free to do as he pleases, he is single after all, so he can add all the women he likes.  

Just as it's completely acceptable for you to think, "Hmm, that's not anyone I see myself being in a relationship with."