When Is it Appropriate for Women to Make Date Plans?

[salparadise]

On 4/30/2021 at 9:25 PM, basil67 said:

If I was a man, I could easily imagine losing interest in a woman who took little initiative.     And as a woman, taking 50/50 initiative has never let me down.  

This is how I see it too, precisely. There are a whole bunch of preconceived notions in this thread that I just don't subscribe to. Do the pursuing, taking the initiative, not into me enough, should be making all of the plans, wanting him to do the work, feigning disinterest or being passive...  I think it all sounds like a corny joke from centuries past. I don't think of women as prizes to be won and paraded around like a stuffed animal at a carnival. Or pursued until captured, or however this mentality wants to characterize it.

I think of  it as two whole, fully functional, equally capable human beings expressing interest in each other, and each contributing toward building a relationship of equals. Maybe that's why I'm perpetually single. But I do know that many women are on the same page. I do usually do the first asking and date planning because this is so rigidly gender biased that nothing would ever happen otherwise. But after that –– if I'm not feeling some energy being reciprocated I'm not going to continue "pursuing" a passive, docile little thang that won't lift a finger, express an opinion, or initiate a text or phone call. The terms I use on my dating profile are fully-functional and reciprocal. Still I get a lot of the passive types, even on Bumble where the implication is that women initiate... I'll get a match, they wait until time is almost expired, then send a one or two word message (Hey, or Hi there), expecting me to picket up and wax poetic I suppose. 

Another thing I think is hilarious is how often these notions (threads) are based on "shoulds." The man should, the woman shouldn't... I do not subscribe. Please send me a woman who doesn't either.

[Marka]

46 minutes ago, salparadise said:

Maybe that's why I'm perpetually single

Absolutely! Sounds like you are looking for a mate instead of woman.  

[poppyfields]

@salparadise chiming in to say that as an attractive, feminine (very), intelligent and independent woman, I agree with you!  Wholeheartrdly, 100% all the way. 

These preconceived notions some women insist on holding on to is precisely why these MGTOW and PUA organizations exist, and it's sad. Very very sad.  

Recently I was brave enough to enter one of those sites and the anger many men feel re these antiquated notions that women are "the prize to be won" and "special" simply because she was born with a v*gina was inescapable.

And in a sense I don't blame them, even while realizing their views are of the opposite extreme. 

salparadise wrote:

>>if I'm not feeling some energy being reciprocated I'm not going to continue "pursuing" a passive, docile little thang that won't lift a finger, express an opinion, or initiate a text or phone call.<<

Of course you need to feel that energy being reciprocated, and don't ever settle for anything less!  

As a woman, I won't either and if it results in my being on my own for the rest of my life, so be. 

And don't allow women to shame you either by saying "you must be looking for a mate instead of a woman."

That type of thinking is absurd imo, we are all "human beings" at the end of the day, different but nevertheless of equal value and deserve to be treated as such.

No one gender is better or more special than the other and to believe otherwise is entitled and just plain wrong. 

 

Edited May 8, 2021 by poppyfields

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Marka said:

Absolutely! Sounds like you are looking for a mate instead of woman.  

A woman who's a partner, a lover and a mate all rolled into one are the best kind     

[Alpacalia]

Yes, working mutually toward a common goal is important, but it's sometimes better not to take the reins and waste time pursuing the wrong situation if the interest isn't really there to begin with.

5 hours ago, salparadise said:

I think of  it as two whole, fully functional, equally capable human beings expressing interest in each other, and each contributing toward building a relationship of equals.

 

[basil67]

6 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Yes, working mutually toward a common goal is important, but it's sometimes better not to take the reins and waste time pursuing the wrong situation if the interest isn't really there to begin with.

This is why, if I was a guy, I wouldn't bother with a woman who was wasn't pulling her weight.   She's probably not just that interested.

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

This is why, if I was a guy, I wouldn't bother with a woman who was wasn't pulling her weight.   She's probably not just that interested.

Thanks basil67.

What are you referring to when you say "pulling her weight" when they first meet/first start dating?

[basil67]

I'm referring to what @salparadise wrote above.  I think he describes it well.   

[Angelle]

On 5/8/2021 at 3:51 PM, salparadise said:

This is how I see it too, precisely. There are a whole bunch of preconceived notions in this thread that I just don't subscribe to. Do the pursuing, taking the initiative, not into me enough, should be making all of the plans, wanting him to do the work, feigning disinterest or being passive...  I think it all sounds like a corny joke from centuries past. I don't think of women as prizes to be won and paraded around like a stuffed animal at a carnival. Or pursued until captured, or however this mentality wants to characterize it.

I think of  it as two whole, fully functional, equally capable human beings expressing interest in each other, and each contributing toward building a relationship of equals. Maybe that's why I'm perpetually single. But I do know that many women are on the same page. I do usually do the first asking and date planning because this is so rigidly gender biased that nothing would ever happen otherwise. But after that –– if I'm not feeling some energy being reciprocated I'm not going to continue "pursuing" a passive, docile little thang that won't lift a finger, express an opinion, or initiate a text or phone call. The terms I use on my dating profile are fully-functional and reciprocal. Still I get a lot of the passive types, even on Bumble where the implication is that women initiate... I'll get a match, they wait until time is almost expired, then send a one or two word message (Hey, or Hi there), expecting me to picket up and wax poetic I suppose. 

Another thing I think is hilarious is how often these notions (threads) are based on "shoulds." The man should, the woman shouldn't... I do not subscribe. Please send me a woman who doesn't either.

I was never feigning interest, when I was talking about what I had experienced myself. 

[salparadise]

11 hours ago, Angelle said:

I was never feigning interest, when I was talking about what I had experienced myself. 

Feigning DISinterest is what I said. Not sure if you misunderstood or if it was a typo.

What I'm talking about is the antiquated, traditionalist paradigm where a woman pretends to be less interested than she may actually be, or altogether disinterested, and desires to be pursued, woo'd, and courted with all sorts of peacocking, spending, acts of chivalry, etc., etc. This is where all of this comes from- that women should not initiate calls or texts, express interest, plan a date, pay for anything, or reciprocate anything more than the occasional coy smile or batting of eyelashes.

And as the paradigm goes, a guy is  supposed to be 100 percent pre-sold, as if he took one look at the precious flower and was so smitten that he lost all pride and dignity and became totally obsessed, on a mission. And if the man is not acting that way they'll say he's "low "interest," or "not that into me," as if such obsession is a requirement. 

It's hilarious actually. I guess I should know by now not to be surprised by anything. 

[smackie9]

What about the olden days when all a woman had to do was drop her handkerchief Now that's making the first move.

Edited May 10, 2021 by smackie9

[Alpacalia]

1 minute ago, smackie9 said:

What about the olden days when all a woman had to do was drop her handkerchief Now that's making the first move.

I wonder if baking fresh pies and leaving them on the window sill with a fan blowing outward on them still works? 

[smackie9]

9 minutes ago, Alpaca said:

I wonder if baking fresh pies and leaving them on the window sill with a fan blowing outward on them still works? 

Women were and are resourceful in how to get a man's attention!

[Miss Spider]

I’d say whenever she wants... but generally after 2 dates ( my opinion)