Would these be the early signs of a narcissist?

[Taramere]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

Yes fully agree. There have been one or two narcissists coming to my life, which taught me how to spot the signs. This man is making it just too clear. Also whenever he talks about himself he puts others down at the same time. Far too clear!!

Narcissism is definitely one of those subjects that attracts a lot of interest and comment.  Magazines will run articles with titles like "10 warning signs of a narcissist...learn how to protect yourself" etc.  Sometimes I think it just makes narcissistic individuals seem more interesting than they are, or encourages other people to become preoccupied with trying to figure them out, learn how to deal with them etc.  I don't know your backstory, but from what others are saying you work in healthcare?  Perhaps there's a tendency for people in the caring professions to feel under greater pressure to learn to "manage" difficult people.  

Whether it's patients struggling with disorders or arrogant professionals further up the chain of command.  If you do feel that pressure to assess or somehow manage other people's difficult behaviour in social situations like dating, this might be an opportunity to step back and remind yourself that you can decide not to socialise with somebody simply on the basis that you don't like their personality type/behaviour and are likely to clash with them.   You're allowed to make those choices and have those boundaries without it necessarily involving them having some condition or disorder that you can't reasonably be expected to tolerate.

 

[peach302]

On 5/1/2021 at 8:53 AM, babybrowns said:

Thank you. Yes he has literally asked me nothing, not one single thing, about me. And that’s not just personal questions; any questions! Even what I think of xyz.

He also sometimes ignores a text from me completely like if I ask him something about what he thinks about xyz. He just leaves it on unread, and he will later send me a funny meme about something random related to his job. It is like I don’t even exist as a person for him. A very strange feeling indeed. Perhaps he’s a little autistic, I don’t know.

The only thing he has asked me in this 7 days is really “how’s your day?”. Which he has asked twice in 7 days.

The abrasive way in which he reacted to my rejection that time was also incredibly extreme and rude.

High chance I will be blocking him today.

 

I would go with self absorbed. 

He clearly just wants a sounding board for himself..rather than something serious with someone.

Ignoring all your requests is also a red flag..and reacting the way he did when you basically implied you don't want to waste your time. 

I would move on.

 

[babybrowns]

I just want to make one thing clear; I wrote this guy off before I came on here to write a thread on it. My curiosity mainly is what kept me in association with him. I wanted to see if this truly played into the various characteristics of narcissism that I had learned about the hard way in the past when I had limited experience of it. This case is looking to be the classic ‘undiagnosed’ narcissism of it for sure. Thanks everyone for feeding all your wisdom into my thoughts. Let’s wish this guy luck

[BaileyB]

Poor guy, you kept him around for your own amusement and then diagnosed him as “classic undiagnosed narcissism, for sure.” 

 

[peach302]

3 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I just want to make one thing clear; I wrote this guy off before I came on here to write a thread on it. My curiosity mainly is what kept me in association with him. I wanted to see if this truly played into the various characteristics of narcissism that I had learned about the hard way in the past when I had limited experience of it. This case is looking to be the classic ‘undiagnosed’ narcissism of it for sure. Thanks everyone for feeding all your wisdom into my thoughts. Let’s wish this guy luck

I think there is a number of criteria for an individual to be placed into the category of someone with NPD.

These are the criteria:

A grandiose sense of self-importance

A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions

A need for excessive admiration

A sense of entitlement

Interpersonally exploitive behavior

A lack of empathy

Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her

A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes

They need to demonstrate at least five of the nine. 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

 This case is looking to be the classic ‘undiagnosed’ narcissism of it for sure. 

Even a pyschiatrist wouldn't begin to assign a personality disorder to someone they have never met. 

What's with your desire to do so? That is where I would concentrate, rather than attempting to diagnose random guys on the internet. You speak about this as though you're some sort of mental health Sherlock Holmes. Does it make you feel important, or? Are you trying to become a mental health professional? 

 

Edited May 2, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[peach302]

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Even a pyschiatrist wouldn't begin to assign a personality disorder to someone they have never met. 

What's with your desire to do so? That is where I would concentrate, rather than attempting to diagnose random guys on the internet. You speak about this as though you're some sort of mental health Sherlock Holmes. Does it make you feel important, or? Are you trying to become a mental health professional? 

 

i actually do this myself with people. But only because i want to avoid potential narcissists..i wouldn't want to waste my time. I could excuse it maybe  since i do have a background in psychology. 

With regards to the op I suspect she is trying to avoid future pain. As she stated she's dealt with narcissists in the past.

Edited May 2, 2021 by peach302

[BaileyB]

9 minutes ago, peach302 said:

With regards to the op I suspect she is trying to avoid future pain. As she stated she's dealt with narcissists in the past.

Respectfully, the word narcissism is used far to often to describe any number of poor character traits and social skills. 

If she knew that she that he was not a good guy (which she did, when he sent her a scathing response) and she has already decided that she want to date him, she has the right to ditch him. She doesn’t have the right to keep him around, to possibly provoke him, and “diagnose” him.

Edited May 2, 2021 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

7 minutes ago, peach302 said:

With regards to the op I suspect she is trying to avoid future pain. As she stated she's dealt with narcissists in the past.

Wanting to identify and avoid red flags is one thing. 

Concluding someone has a personality disorder based on zero real-life interaction with someone is presumptuous and irresponsible. 

[glows]

I don't know if he's a narcissist still after all of this but he doesn't sound prepared to date.

His conversations also trail off or he doesn't respond to you as in a regular conversation between individuals. It may not be him. It may not be you. This texting back and forth is not working however.

This is why I refuse to go on with text conversations. Just do ten minute conversations and plan dates. 

When you mentioned he self-described as a "slow mover" paired with his unending texts, this person would have just been ignored thereafter. What does a slow mover mean? He is not a turtle. He is also not being asked to run a race. All he needs to do is act like he wants to date because he was on a dating app in the first place.

It is ok to wonder but it is better to walk away and spend your time elsewhere if the other person is completely off with the fairies. Don't worry about this, OP. Move forwards.

 

[elaine567]

7 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

If she knew that she that he was not a good guy (which she did, when he sent her a scathing response) and she has already decided that she want to date him, she has the right to ditch him. She doesn’t have the right to keep him around, to possibly provoke him, and “diagnose” him.

Exactly.
There is no point going about "diagnosing" anyone.
If they are what you want, keep seeing them, if they show you they are not what you want, end it asap and do them a favour by forgetting them...

[peach302]

33 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Respectfully, the word narcissism is used far to often to describe any number of poor character traits and social skills. 

If she knew that she that he was not a good guy (which she did, when he sent her a scathing response) and she has already decided that she want to date him, she has the right to ditch him. She doesn’t have the right to keep him around, to possibly provoke him, and “diagnose” him.

No i understand that it's overused. But also there are tonnes of narcissists out there.. once you've  dealt with one you will realise  the destruction they can cause.

I don't think shes keeping him around though. Unless  i read wrong.

 

[peach302]

35 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Wanting to identify and avoid red flags is one thing. 

Concluding someone has a personality disorder based on zero real-life interaction with someone is presumptuous and irresponsible. 

Obviously a conclusion can't be reached untill  one has had significant interaction with the person in question.

 

[ExpatInItaly]

53 minutes ago, peach302 said:

I don't think shes keeping him around though. Unless  i read wrong.

I assume what posters are referring to is that BB said he'd previously been vicious and insulting - and yet she chose to keep talking to him anyway. 

That makes no sense. When we see red flags, we need to be smarter and shut down communication right then and there. 

Edited May 2, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[babybrowns]

Hey all,

Yes, just to reiterate the whole thing once more, since I know it looks a little confusing at this stage:

- We matched a week ago on an online dating site. Initially he was texting me a lot and voluntarily sending over tons of pictures and videos of himself.

- A day later I suggested we do a phone call since it was fun talking that day. He said “maybe sometime”.

- After a few more days of texting, it was clear to me that he had zero interest in me. So I deleted him, leaving my exit message as I left that I didn’t feel he was interested and that I felt he was looking for casual.

- He got angry and condescending. Then he calmed down and claimed that he, also was looking for a genuine connection too.

- I added him back as a contact but said that I would have to observe whether he is genuinely interested in getting to know me or not, and that I would like him to suggest a call to show me that he means what he says. 

- He still hasn’t shown the faintest bit of interest.

 

When I added him back, I had mentally already written him off since I knew he wasn’t interested.  But I didn’t show this to him ofcourse; I continued being my nice self to him. 
I just wanted it to be made blatant to me that this was completely pointless by keeping him around a bit longer: would make total elimination of this man easier, as well as you all offering your reinforcing words that he doesn’t sound great. So once again thank you for all your help.
Why he’s on a dating site I know not, but I want no more part in it now.

Edited May 2, 2021 by babybrowns

[Calmandfocused]

The trouble is it’s very rare to get a true narcissist in front of a psychiatrist. 
 

By the very nature of what narcissism is they do not feel there is anything wrong with them. They are the masters of the universe. Everything is wrong with everyone else, not them. 
 

So yes there are many narcs running free without diagnosis and treatment. So whilst it’s unwise to throw diagnoses around, it is wise to have a sense of what narcissism is and how it features in the dating world IMO. 

[smackie9]

He's not a narcissist, he's most likely multi-dating. ....he's a guy that has a lot of fish on his line. When you have a lot of fish on the line, it's just easier to keep track by not really knowing anything particular about these fish individually. So when he sends out a new pic of himself, he is sending it to more than one woman. Reaches out after days of silence with a generic message.

[babybrowns]

4 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

He's not a narcissist, he's most likely multi-dating. ....he's a guy that has a lot of fish on his line. When you have a lot of fish on the line, it's just easier to keep track by not really knowing anything particular about these fish individually. So when he sends out a new pic of himself, he is sending it to more than one woman. Reaches out after days of silence with a generic message.

I’ve met this variety of fisherman many times before but trust me this one seems very much like a clueless narcissist who has no game and doesn’t know how to sustain a woman’s interest 

Edited May 2, 2021 by babybrowns

[Alvi]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

- A day later I suggested we do a phone call since it was fun talking that day. He said “maybe sometime”.

If maybe sometime answer doesn't work for you, then you need to stop answering this guy, blocking, deleting him, doesn't really matter. Not that I am advocating ghosting, it's a terrible thing to do, but you really do not owe a person you've never met before in real life anything.

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

- After a few more days of texting, it was clear to me that he had zero interest in me. So I deleted him, leaving my exit message as I left that I didn’t feel he was interested and that I felt he was looking for casual.

There is no need for an exit message after a week of texting. You are way overthinking this. Simply move on if you feel that there is no interest on his site. You are overdramatizing this.

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

He got angry and condescending. Then he calmed down and claimed that he, also was looking for a genuine connection too.

That is your que to cut all the ties with his if you haven't done so already. Believe me, dating someone who gets angry and condescending easily is a big no in my book. One of a dealbreakers for me. No ifs buts or maybes about it. No explanation needed, block and forget about him.

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

- I added him back as a contact but said that I would have to observe whether he is genuinely interested in getting to know me or not, and that I would like him to suggest a call to show me that he means what he says. 

Why did you added him back as a contact again? Big mistake. Why do you need to observe his behaviour more? He has already showed no interest towards you. He doesn't realize that you want him to suggest a phonecall. Are you just looking for some drama? Sorry to be so blunt, but seriously, what are you hoping to achieve here? What is your end goal regarding this particular guy?

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

- He still hasn’t shown the faintest bit of interest.

OK, you did expect that, didn't you? He is who he is, why did you expect him to change? lol

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

When I added him back, I had mentally already written him off since I knew he wasn’t interested.  But I didn’t show this to him ofcourse; I continued being my nice self to him. 

You are just wasting your time for some reason. And possibly his. But mostly yours.

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I just wanted it to be made blatant to me that this was completely pointless by keeping him around a bit longer: would make total elimination of this man easier, as well as you all offering your reinforcing words that he doesn’t sound great.

What more signs do you need that the two of you are not compatible? But not too late to end things now in any case.

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Why he’s on a dating site I know not, but I want no more part in it now.

A lot of people on dating sites don't have a single clue what they want or what they are doing there. Some even say on their dating profiles that they don't know what they want. Some only want an occasional companionship but claim otherwise. Some claim that they want a long term, and who knows, maybe they really do, but have no idea how to get from the Point A to the Point Z in order to be in a relationship. He is not the first nor the last guy in the clueless department.

 

Edited May 2, 2021 by Alvi
more stuff to write

[Alvi]

42 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I’ve met this variety of fisherman many times before but trust me this one seems very much like a clueless narcissist who has no game and doesn’t know how to sustain a woman’s interest 

That very well may or may not be, but that is not up to you to bring it up to him. Regardless the cause, nothing you can do about him, really, except to move on. 

[elaine567]

True narcissists are actually very tortured souls.
Whether or not this guy is a narcissist, I am not sure what game B B is playing here but it seems to be a very cruel one...

[peach302]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

I’ve met this variety of fisherman many times before but trust me this one seems very much like a clueless narcissist who has no game and doesn’t know how to sustain a woman’s interest 

I don't want to jump to conclusions of narcissism but if there was one sign of it

 Would be him sending you tonnes of photos of himself without you asking . Its just plain weird sorry.

Also him getting angry at  you for wanting to cut him off. When he hasn't even tried to get to know you properly.  So why would that  cause him to be mad at you. 

Very strange behaviour for any man. 

[babybrowns]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

True narcissists are actually very tortured souls.
Whether or not this guy is a narcissist, I am not sure what game B B is playing here but it seems to be a very cruel one...

Right. So me being the patient nice one in this ‘acquaintanceship’ asking him questions and seeking to get to know him, where he has made zero effort to talk to me and get to know me despite stating that’s what he wants in order to get me to stay..and I’m the one that’s cruel. Ok Elaine...very logical 

[babybrowns]

1 hour ago, peach302 said:

I don't want to jump to conclusions of narcissism but if there was one sign of it

 Would be him sending you tonnes of photos of himself without you asking . Its just plain weird sorry.

Also him getting angry at  you for wanting to cut him off. When he hasn't even tried to get to know you properly.  So why would that  cause him to be mad at you. 

Very strange behaviour for any man. 

Exactly. There are just too many signs of grandiose narcissism here- literally every common sign that there is. Might not be clinically diagnosed, but if it was just a field for psychologists to talk about, knowledge of narcissism wouldn’t be so widespread amongst the general public.

Having had encounters with narcissists before which taught me more about it, prepared me to not be led down the confusing primrose path once again this time with this one  

This one is the strongest narcissist I have ever had the misfortune of encountering and I am glad I saw it through for as long as I did to have it cemented, to have no regrets or what-ifs upon eliminating the connection.

Edited May 2, 2021 by babybrowns

[BaileyB]

19 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Exactly. There are just too many signs of grandiose narcissism here- literally every common sign that there is. Might not be clinically diagnosed, but if it was just a field for psychologists to talk about, knowledge of narcissism wouldn’t be so widespread amongst the general public.

Why is it important to you that he is a “narcissist?”

Why can’t you just say, he was not someone I wanted to date and as such, I’m going to let this go...

As we have all said BB, your best time to end this was the moment that he got angry and sent you that scathing email. It’s almost like you like this drama, or you need the validation to actually end it (when you don’t, his behavior was more than enough for anyone to decide not to pursue this relationship), or you boost your own self esteem by rejecting this terrible “narcissist!”

As was said above, perhaps rather than focusing on his behavior, you should spend a little more time examining your own.