babybrowns Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 (edited) Hello all, A week ago, I matched with a new guy on an online dating site. We’ve been texting a bit since then. I have my suspicions that this man might be a narcissist and I just wanted to float them here to see if other users agree: - he hasn’t asked me 1 single question about myself. He still doesn’t know what I do for a living. All of our texts, are about him. He sends me voice notes about what he’s up to that day too. - the same day that we matched and started talking, he sent me 20 pictures of himself (pictures of him at work, which was the excuse he used since I’m also interested in that field). - He also sent me a couple of videos of himself on the day that we got talking, including one of him and his dog. - I have made the suggestion to him twice, that we do a phone call instead of texting/voice notes which is all we have been doing. He has ignored this request completely. When I quizzed him on why he seems to be avoiding a call, he said he’s just quite busy these days getting ready to move house. His replies are also very late to my messages. Due to the lack of 2-sided interest, especially based on him not asking one single question about me, communication with this man has naturally been rather dull for me and pointless. I thus wanted to end this association and I deleted him as a contact. I sent him a final message saying that I’m not getting enough interested vibes from him, and that I suspect he might be looking for something a little more casual than what I’m looking for which is to build a genuine connection with someone. But he was quick to reel me back in, saying that he is “just a slow mover” and that he *is* interested and “not looking for something casual” and that I “shouldn’t react so extremely { in terms of delete as contact}- in that way I’ll drive away any guy and he is saying that purely for my own benefit not having a go at me”. His manner when he was saying this last bit especially had quite a sharp edge to it which made me uncomfortable. I am very close to blocking this guy out permanently since so much is turning me off. But I am giving it a few more days to see if he does express a little more interest/does suggest a call since there are some things that I do like about him that are making me want to see this through a bit more. Does this sound like a narcissist? Edited April 30, 2021 by babybrowns
BaileyB Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 It wouldn’t matter to me whether he is a narcissist or not. He’s done more than enough to make me feel confident in my decision that he is not a man that I would want to meet or date. Next. 2 1
basil67 Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 I'm not into giving psychiatric labels to someone who's never been assessed. I so would simply say that you did the right thing ditching someone who apparently isn't the kind of guy you want to date. 4
Minnie Moo Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 To me the amount of texts (about him) voice notes (about him) selfies (of him) and videos (again of him) coupled with a complete lack of ability to ask you anything about you or your life do suggest he’s either very self absorbed or is completely clueless when it comes to dating and how to communicate with people. Personally I’d go for the self absorbed option and delete and block him. Especially based on his ‘helpful’ response to your last message. There will be guys out there who are able to engage in proper 2 way communication and who want to learn all they can about you because they’re genuinely into you and not just wanting someone to give their ego a boost. 1 1
glows Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 No, he just sounds busy and like he doesn't have time right now to focus on dating anyone. This does translate to something more casual. Disregard his dating or behavioural advice to you. That is inappropriate. I would also consider the barrage of photos and texts and memos inappropriate. He would have been blocked by now if it were me. If a texting buddy isn't what you're going for and would have preferred a phone call (which he isn't able to honour or respect), let this guy go. 1
SumGuy Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 29 minutes ago, babybrowns said: ...Does this sound like a narcissist? Not in the clinical sense, but you never know. In the more clinical sense a narcissist doesn't take "no" well at all; they are often very charming and attentive in the beginning. The more important thing though is you seem to have a real incompatibility in communication styles...which could be enough for me but if other things were attractive still would likely meet in person once to see. On the asking questions about you, not sure what exactly that means. I tend to ask in depth / personal questions in person and focus more on likes and interests and the news of the day before meeting, amazing what you can learn about a persons world view that way. As to common deal breakers, already in my profile. It's not that I avoid such questions, just kind of find it interview-like and almost rude to ask them anything but face-to-face. That's just me though. In fact asking someone straight up there world view will almost guarantee you an acceptable answer...even if if they do not practice at all what they preach.
basil67 Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 I really like @Minnie Moo' s description of "self absorbed". A person can be vain/self absorbed/clueless/opinionated/frustrated/angry or just a plain old a**. None of these things necessarily mean that a clinical diagnosis is warranted. 3
BaileyB Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 Just now, basil67 said: I really like @Minnie Moo' s description of "self absorbed". A person can be vain/self absorbed/clueless/opinionated/frustrated/angry or just a plain old a**. None of these things necessarily mean that a clinical diagnosis is warranted. Nor are any of us actually trained to diagnose someone with narcissistic personality disorder. 2
Maldives Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 Narcissist is a bit extreme. That term gets flogged around a lot. No he's social skills are more likely crap. He's awareness level is in the toilet too 2
Wiseman2 Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 Go straight to delete and block. He's annoying you. Keep in mind that you are both talking to and meeting others. It sounds like he sends the same canned garbage to everyone. You're not really having conversations. He's just sending nonsense out almost like a bot. 1
Author babybrowns Posted May 1, 2021 Author Posted May 1, 2021 (edited) Thank you. Yes he has literally asked me nothing, not one single thing, about me. And that’s not just personal questions; any questions! Even what I think of xyz. He also sometimes ignores a text from me completely like if I ask him something about what he thinks about xyz. He just leaves it on unread, and he will later send me a funny meme about something random related to his job. It is like I don’t even exist as a person for him. A very strange feeling indeed. Perhaps he’s a little autistic, I don’t know. The only thing he has asked me in this 7 days is really “how’s your day?”. Which he has asked twice in 7 days. The abrasive way in which he reacted to my rejection that time was also incredibly extreme and rude. High chance I will be blocking him today. Edited May 1, 2021 by babybrowns 1
basil67 Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 I'm surprised that you haven't already blocked him. I would have! 3
Stupidkupid Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 I like the description of self absorbed, meaning (like all of us, to some degree) he has some narcissism but that doesn't make him a narcissist. These days everyone who doesn't comform to our way of relationships seem to be labelled as narcissists. My underatanding is he'd have been all over you with compliments and drawing you in, for a start. The guy just loves himself. Its different 3
ExpatInItaly Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 (edited) I don't think you have enough information to determine that he's a narcissist, but you're correct that he is more interesting in showcasing than he is in you. He wants to be admired and desired mnore than anything else, it seems. I would be turned off enough to cease contact. No further explanation needed, just keep moving. Edited May 1, 2021 by ExpatInItaly 1
Wiseman2 Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 1 hour ago, babybrowns said: The only thing he has asked me in this 7 days is really “how’s your day?”. Which he has asked twice in 7 days. Wow. Why waste your time on someone who's a bot? Try to develop a better screening and dating strategy. Date locally. Exchange a few messages then arrange a meeting asap. If someone is reluctant to do this, delete and block. It's that simple. Online dating is not for phone pings, boredom etc. It's supposed to be for meeting people. Is there a reason why you are unwilling to meet men? 1
Author babybrowns Posted May 1, 2021 Author Posted May 1, 2021 Thank you all so far. Yes he is indeed the most bot-like, untuned person I have ever met! It is why autism is coming to my mind as a possible explanation. Well I am very willing to meet men in person but we are still at the stage of lockdown in my area where cafes and all are closed, they open in a few weeks so during this preceding period this is the main way of communicating with potential suitors really.
Calmandfocused Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 No, he’s not a narcissist. As other posters have said Narcs are very charming and attentive in the beginning. They will gather as much information about you as they possibly can. Not because they care or because they are interested in you. It’s so they can identify your weaknesses, exploit them and use everything you tell them against you. If they didn’t do this they could not attract victims. And narcs need victims for supply. This guy doesn’t fit that description.. at least not yet. Write him off as self absorbed and not interested in anyone but himself. 2
Wiseman2 Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 22 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: No, he’s not a narcissist. Agree. Online dating is to meet people, not amateur armchair psychiatry. You don't need cafes to meet. That's an excuse. You need a public daytime mutually agreeable place. You need to decide if you want to meet/date people or play games and "diagnose" people.
Author babybrowns Posted May 1, 2021 Author Posted May 1, 2021 32 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: You need to decide if you want to meet/date people or play games and "diagnose" people. Have you got your facts mixed up? I’m not the one playing games here...
introverted1 Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 BB, no one here can diagnose this guy. And, frankly, that is besides the point. The real issue is: what are you doing to improve your self-esteem so that you can 'next' a guy who does not meet your standards, without needing the collective opinion of LS to weigh in? From your OP, this guy clearly did not interest you, so what stops you from just cutting things off with a simple "sorry, I don't think we're a match"? Even your message to him, saying you aren't getting "interested vibes" is essentially a ploy to get him to convince you otherwise. Why would you want him to do that, after hes already shown you who he is? At best, he'll ignore your subtext and disappear; at worst, he will mask his real persona for a while, and you'll end up in a situation-ship where you are riddled with doubt, analysing his every word/text/move. Think about the qualities you want in a partner. Think about behaviors that are deal-breakers. When men come along who don't have those qualities or exhibit those behaviors, move on. Don't waste precious mental or emotional energy on guys who are not worth your time. Learning discernment will benefit you far more than wasting a week texting a guy who is clearly not right for you. Good luck. 3 1
glows Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 (edited) 4 hours ago, babybrowns said: Thank you all so far. Yes he is indeed the most bot-like, untuned person I have ever met! It is why autism is coming to my mind as a possible explanation. Well I am very willing to meet men in person but we are still at the stage of lockdown in my area where cafes and all are closed, they open in a few weeks so during this preceding period this is the main way of communicating with potential suitors really. It doesn't have to be nor should it be so one-sided. The communication is off and he's not responding to you appropriately. Edited May 1, 2021 by glows 1
Pumpernickel Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 4 hours ago, Stupidkupid said: These days everyone who doesn't comform to our way of relationships seem to be labelled as narcissists. So true - the term is totally overused. And to some extent, we’re all self absorbed AF. But yes - solid two-way communication / exchange of thoughts and showing mutual interest doesn’t seem to be part of his skill set / personality ...... I would be bored out of my mind with a guy like that. Next! I think blocking is too drastic, though. Why do ppl suggest blocking everybody these days? It’s such an overreaction. He’s not that important that he deserves blocking. Just don’t reach out and only reply if he’s got something interesting to say that’s not only about him him him ..... 1 1
mortensorchid Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 This may help. Not with the dating thing but narcissists in general: https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/am-i-dating-a-narcissist 2
Versacehottie Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 I agree that narcissist is thrown about much too casually without solid evidence--and realistically if he's just some guy you are chatting with on an app, no one needs to go that deep. I think he's potentially self-absorbed and clunky about dating. Bottom line, he's not doing it for you so just move on--I agree with introverted that you should know this on your own without having to poll loveshack, right? Unless your primary purpose is actually to complain about the quality of people coming into your life.... BTW, as clunky as it may be it's a proven fact that a lot of the time in the time before dating (like now) and first couple of dates, a guy will talk a lot about himself. If you look for clues, they are trying to impress you. It's a sociological thing. Of course, makes it hard to tell the good guys who are just trying to impress vs the self-absorbed ones who will never ask you a question about yourself. And it does indicate that his social skills need improvement. But if you know this fact now, hopefully it will keep you from shouting narcissist from the rooftops whenever a guy doesn't ask you questions. There is more going on there than you are seeing. BTW, you could also speak up about yourself. ie the clunky comment--guys are often conditioned differently and that is how they often are brought up to interact. (ie i'll be talking about myself and if you have something to say you talk about yourself). I'm not justifying it in a dating context but hopefully the explanation will help on future guys. The SOLUTION is very simple: how he's approaching you is not for you, so let him go. Easy peasy. 1
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