Miss Peach Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 I had recently met two guys. I met Guy A a few weeks before meeting Guy B. Guy A was promising but I think something fizzled for me. A combination of the 'nice guy' type, him posturing with 'other options', and pressuring me for more time when I was really open with where I was spending my time. Guy B has been promising without the issues of Guy A. I've probably been on a similar number of dates with both. Both pushed me for a relationship within a few days of each other. I told Guy A that I couldn't give him what he wanted and he wanted to cut contact. I told guy B a few days later I would be his GF when he asked. Today guy A contacts me (about a week after the break up) about how important I am and whether I'm willing to talk to him. I still rather give a chance to Guy B but am not really sure what to say. Both I am likely to run into socially at some point. I don't like how insecure and pressuring Guy A was. If he wondered my reasoning I would rather have him just ask something like "what do you mean when you did this?". Bringing up needing more time, his other options, etc. was just a huge let down for me and made me wonder if I just dodged an insecure man. I'm not sure if I want to tell him I didn't like his tone or that I took another guy's offer. What should I say that's cordial but keeps the door shut? Keep in mind I might run into him again at some point too.
Alpacalia Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 You could say that you've met someone else and are interested to see where things go with him. Hopefully he'll understand. 6
Gaeta Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 I would tell him the exact same thing you told him the first time: I am sorry I do not feel what is required to pursue further. I wish you good luck and only the best . 2
Author Miss Peach Posted April 30, 2021 Author Posted April 30, 2021 I would rather keep it vague and neutral. I don't want to let him know I agreed to be with another guy within a week of telling him I was done. How about I text him back something like this? I'm really happy I met you. You're a great guy. But it's not a match for a relationship. 4
glows Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 I'd leave the great guy out of it. He doesn't sound like a great guy and that would be a lie especially because you're opting out of dating him. I'd leave out anything that can be used to counter or create some kind of q&a session. "If I'm a great guy, how come.." No. Mention: "Thank you. I don't think we're compatible in the long run." or something short to that effect. The other half of breaking things off also means following through and not responding or remaining cordial as a contact. I'd limit or restrict how often you'd respond to him if you have to see him at some point. Keep your distance but keep it cordial and limited. Don't give him a reason to think that you're still interested if you're not.
wanderingthoughts11 Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 Just be honest-- you can say that you have move forward with someone else. 2
introverted1 Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 Hi Guy A, thanks for reaching out. I enjoyed our time together but I don't think it's a match. Wishing you all the best in your search! 3
Author Miss Peach Posted April 30, 2021 Author Posted April 30, 2021 OK. I came up with another reply and it's been sent. Sounds like it was received fairly well. 1 1
Sun Seeker Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 26 minutes ago, Miss Peach said: OK. I came up with another reply and it's been sent. Sounds like it was received fairly well. What did you end up replying and what did he say back?
Author Miss Peach Posted May 3, 2021 Author Posted May 3, 2021 (edited) On 4/30/2021 at 4:37 PM, Punterxx said: What did you end up replying and what did he say back? He had reached out asking if I was open to talking about it. I said "I'm really happy I met you but don't see how a conversation will change anything. I'm still not open to a relationship and that's what you're looking for." I got back a short reply wishing me well. He did try to call me this last weekend anyway. I was in an elevator at that time so I didn't even know until later I saw the missed call. I haven't reached out to him and not sure if I will. Edited May 3, 2021 by Miss Peach 1
cleverusername Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 16 minutes ago, Miss Peach said: He had reached out asking if I was open to talking about it. I said "I'm really happy I met you but don't see how a conversation will change anything. I'm still not open to a relationship and that's what you're looking for." I got back a short reply wishing me well. He did try to call me this last weekend anyway. I was in an elevator at that time so I didn't even know until later I saw the missed call. I haven't reached out to him and not sure if I will. You have to be unwavering and firm. Any ambiguity and it will be grasped onto. It's best for you both in the long run. Coming from someone whos done it and had it done to.
ShyViolet Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 There's no need to give him excuses or tell him that you're seeing someone else. I would just keep it short, sweet and to the point. Be as direct as possible and don't leave things "open" to interpretation. It's very weird that he still tried to call you after. It sounds like this guy is not getting the hint. Maybe you should just block him. 1
Author Miss Peach Posted May 3, 2021 Author Posted May 3, 2021 28 minutes ago, cleverusername said: You have to be unwavering and firm. Any ambiguity and it will be grasped onto. It's best for you both in the long run. Coming from someone whos done it and had it done to. 9 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: There's no need to give him excuses or tell him that you're seeing someone else. I would just keep it short, sweet and to the point. Be as direct as possible and don't leave things "open" to interpretation. It's very weird that he still tried to call you after. It sounds like this guy is not getting the hint. Maybe you should just block him. Totally agree. Which is why I'm trying to choose my words very carefully. I initially ended it with a phone call and then replied to that text. I thought both were pretty clear. I think it's weird too he tried to call. The part I was debating wasn't whether to see him again but rather whether to engage again to say no or just ignore him and go NC.
cleverusername Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 11 minutes ago, Miss Peach said: Totally agree. Which is why I'm trying to choose my words very carefully. I initially ended it with a phone call and then replied to that text. I thought both were pretty clear. I think it's weird too he tried to call. The part I was debating wasn't whether to see him again but rather whether to engage again to say no or just ignore him and go NC. Unless you anticipate seeing him again, go NC. He will grow tired at some point and move on. If you engage, he's getting acknowledgment and it will set you back IMO 1
smackie9 Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 That's why you shouldn't give any explanation or they will keep challenging you to change your mind. Obviously this guy was a clinger, even just a simple "no not interest" or otherwise probably wouldn't be enough. It's always best to never respond and let the silence do the talking. 1
ShyViolet Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 1 hour ago, Miss Peach said: The part I was debating wasn't whether to see him again but rather whether to engage again to say no or just ignore him and go NC. You shouldn't engage with him again. Why would you? That only sends mixed messages and it will encourage him to keep trying to contact you... which he shouldn't be doing because it's just weird.
Author Miss Peach Posted May 3, 2021 Author Posted May 3, 2021 Yes, that's what I was leaning towards - NC. I do anticipate I might run into him socially so I'm trying to be nice to a point. But I don't want to send mixed messages. I initially tried to friend zone him but the line got blurry and I think that's where he should have wound up. He pushed for more and I said no and it was his choice to cut things off initially.
dramafreezone Posted May 3, 2021 Posted May 3, 2021 (edited) On 4/30/2021 at 12:28 PM, Miss Peach said: I had recently met two guys. I met Guy A a few weeks before meeting Guy B. Guy A was promising but I think something fizzled for me. A combination of the 'nice guy' type, him posturing with 'other options', and pressuring me for more time when I was really open with where I was spending my time. Guy B has been promising without the issues of Guy A. I've probably been on a similar number of dates with both. Both pushed me for a relationship within a few days of each other. I told Guy A that I couldn't give him what he wanted and he wanted to cut contact. I told guy B a few days later I would be his GF when he asked. Today guy A contacts me (about a week after the break up) about how important I am and whether I'm willing to talk to him. I still rather give a chance to Guy B but am not really sure what to say. Both I am likely to run into socially at some point. I don't like how insecure and pressuring Guy A was. If he wondered my reasoning I would rather have him just ask something like "what do you mean when you did this?". Bringing up needing more time, his other options, etc. was just a huge let down for me and made me wonder if I just dodged an insecure man. I'm not sure if I want to tell him I didn't like his tone or that I took another guy's offer. What should I say that's cordial but keeps the door shut? Keep in mind I might run into him again at some point too. Well, while you're at it why not ask how to sit and stand at the same time. It's not possible to do exactly what you're proposing. As a guy I would want to take it right on the chin, not a death by a thousand cuts that comes with being let down "gently." That gives hope that you'll change your mind. You don't like him, just end it. "I don't think we're a match" or "I'm just not feeling this." You don't have to elaborate. Edited May 3, 2021 by dramafreezone 1
Lotsgoingon Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 It's your job to be clear and unapologetic and honest about who you want to go out with. All else is lying. And all else is foolish: we don't fall off the cliff because someone says they're not interested in us. You got to zap that software out of your brain. People getting told no interest simply say, "damn." And then they call up a buddy and moan. And then they're off chasing the next person. You're acting like expressing disinterest is the equivalent of saying he's worthless, or that his mama is ugly. I'm sorry, you seem a good person. But I am not interested in meeting further. I don't think there is the chemistry I'm looking for. Bottom line: there is no such thing as "gently" telling someone you are not interested. And no such need in the first place.
Soak Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 (edited) On 5/1/2021 at 6:41 AM, Miss Peach said: How about I text him back something like this? I'm really happy I met you. You're a great guy. But it's not a match for a relationship. Why the text? If he texts you, ignore it... If he has the moxy to pick up the phone, then you can tell him in person. Since when was text an acceptable way of doing things? Edited May 4, 2021 by Soak
Author Miss Peach Posted May 4, 2021 Author Posted May 4, 2021 14 hours ago, Soak said: Why the text? If he texts you, ignore it... If he has the moxy to pick up the phone, then you can tell him in person. Since when was text an acceptable way of doing things? The initial breakup was over phone since he initiated the conversation that way. He reached out a week later over text asking to talk (second chance). I was trying to find a nice response to say nothing has changed but best of luck. At this point I'm not engaging anymore unless I happen to run into him socially.
Soak Posted May 6, 2021 Posted May 6, 2021 (edited) On 5/5/2021 at 7:31 AM, Miss Peach said: The initial breakup was over phone since he initiated the conversation that way. He reached out a week later over text asking to talk (second chance). I was trying to find a nice response to say nothing has changed but best of luck. At this point I'm not engaging anymore unless I happen to run into him socially. Ahh yeah, fair enough. If you'd already broken up and he was just "reaching out" over text and it was low-investment, then ignoring or sending a light-hearted, non-committal text is okay, imo. Good idea to be sensible and keep it surface level, in case you see him again. Edited May 6, 2021 by Soak 1
Interstellar Posted May 6, 2021 Posted May 6, 2021 (edited) On 4/30/2021 at 4:41 PM, Miss Peach said: I would rather keep it vague and neutral. I don't want to let him know I agreed to be with another guy within a week of telling him I was done. How about I text him back something like this? I'm really happy I met you. You're a great guy. But it's not a match for a relationship. Get rid of the: “I’m really happy I met you” because combined with the other sentence you’re kinda giving him false hope. ”You’re a great guy but it’s not a match for a relationship” is better. Simple, and direct. Edited May 6, 2021 by Interstellar
Caauug Posted May 6, 2021 Posted May 6, 2021 (edited) On 5/1/2021 at 3:28 AM, Miss Peach said: I don't like how insecure and pressuring Guy A was.. ..Bringing up needing more time, his other options, etc. was just a huge let down for me and made me wonder if I just dodged an insecure man. It looks like Guy A has oneitis and likely doesn't want to know he's out. FYI: Men, for the most part, can not read minds. Men, for the most part, can not pick up on hints. Men, for the most part, are very poor at understanding cryptic female languages... If you need a man to know something tell him straight in his native language, plain and simple. Being dumped for Guy B is going to hurt!!!. If you really want Guy A to suffer longer, "Let him down easy".... Put him in the friend zone so he can be constantly reminded what he is missing out on... Keep in contact, keep feeding his ego but never let him get any closer.... Always dangling the carrot just out of reach... Keep feeding his hopetom... Some women think this fun, it feeds the ego to have a man waiting in the wings.... What it really does is destroys the the man slowly until he becomes very bitter... And then she wonders why he would of turned that way??? If you don't want him, tell him: "This is not working out, I no longer want to date you." Go NC delete and block, as there will likely be a drunk text or phone call as he is working through his emotions of rejection... It's cruel to be kind.... PS: Just a man's perspective.... Edited May 6, 2021 by Caauug
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