KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 The guy I am dating and I have had trouble connecting (in person) the last couple of weeks. First it was me, then it was him, then it was me again. Then, we finally were on the same page, and the place we wanted to go was closed. Then, the backup place was closed. It just seemed to be one of those...okay, let's just re-schedule kind of things. I mean, sure, we could have went to McDonalds or Subway or something like that, but at that point, it was getting late, and we were both in agreement that we'd rather just do it another day. Unfortunately, that day has not come yet. So, I plucked up the courage to ask him out for this weekend. It's not really my style to ask a guy out. I am more of a hint hint, nudge nudge kind of person. But, he has told me in the past that I just need to be forward and direct with him when wanting to do things. So, I decided I was going to do it. And I did. And it went worse than I expected. So, I first asked if he had plans this weekend. He admitted that he had some plans, work related, but only on one day for a short amount of time. Okay fine. This means he is available most of the weekend. Perfect. So, I got up the guts and I asked him. The first thing he did was ask what the place was, which I told him. He then asked where the place was, which I told him. Then...no response, no response, no response. Until about 10 minutes later, when he just changed the subject entirely. Not a yes, not a no, not a maybe, not an "I'll think about it." Nothing. The funny thing about this is: I had actually prepared myself that it would be a No. I'm not entirely sure it would be his jam. It very well may be, but odds are, it probably isn't. And, even if he would want to spend time with me, I sort of prepared myself that he wouldn't really be that interested. However, it IS something I want to do, and I would like his company, so I decided to ask. The no answer, and change of topic feels SO. MUCH. WORSE. than a no. How personally should I take this? Right now, I'm taking it pretty personally. I'm also trying to prepare myself for the inevitability that he will eventually reach back out to me, and how am I supposed to behave? I want to give the cold shoulder. I want to lash out. But, I am pretty sure neither of those responses would be very productive. But...am I really supposed to be warm toward him after getting shot down? I'm also trying to prepare myself for the inevitability that he will eventually ask me to do something. And I don't want to be tit for tat and petty. But...why should we do the things HE wants to do, but not the things I want to do? But...if I bring that to his attention, I am whining and complaining. I think I am just venting at this point, but....feel free to offer your thoughts, experiences, etc
SaraSays Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 Brush this off, and focus on other things. It wasn't a relationship, you're both strangers, and nothing here should be affecting your day. Focus on those who are enthusiastic about spending time together. Well done for being brave in suggesting meeting. That's a wonderful quality, regardless of the outcome.
introverted1 Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 Rude. And likely not very interested. But rude trumps disinterest. I'd be done.
d0nnivain Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 Ugh This is why I hate texting. You really should have asked using the voice feature of your phone. At this point, since it's already Friday morning I would take his lack of a response as a no & make other plans. Once you have those other plans in place you can honestly say, "I'm sorry but when you didn't answer me I made other plans." No need for you to lash out at him or give the cold shoulder if he does reach out to you but you can be more passive . .. a sort of tepid shoulder meaning if he offers a concrete plan that sounds enjoyable & you are free go if you like. Otherwise just be chill & observe what he does & said. That should be very telling & help you recognize whether you are wasting your time.
Alpacalia Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 Maybe a better approach might have been: "hey (insert guy's name), it's supposed to be so hot this weekend and there's this really cool place that serves fresh squeezed lemonade and tangy buffalo wings. What are you doing Friday or Saturday at 5pm?" If he didn't respond then go grab that lemonade and if he reaches out, say "oh, I'm sorry, I'm too busy enjoying my freshly squeezed lemonade." Then again, sometimes, no answer is an answer.
Author KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela Posted April 30, 2021 Author Posted April 30, 2021 The thing that I just don't understand is... If he wasn't interested, why even say he was free most of the weekend? Why not just say, "Oh yeah, I'm swamped this weekend," that way he had an excuse for us to not see each other? If he wasn't interested, why even ask about the details? Just to make it seem like he was considering it, even if he really wasn't? That just makes no sense. Anyway, I'm not going to make other plans. I am going forward with the plans I already have. This particular place I am going...it's one of those things that is only open like 3 weeks out of the whole year, and every year I want to go, and every year, I forget about it. So...I'm going. 1
d0nnivain Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 6 minutes ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said: Anyway, I'm not going to make other plans. I am going forward with the plans I already have. This particular place I am going...it's one of those things that is only open like 3 weeks out of the whole year, and every year I want to go, and every year, I forget about it. So...I'm going. That counts as "other plans" because you are doing what you want without regard to him. My advice was that you not sit home. Especially if this is a limited time opportunity, absolutely go & enjoy!
SaraSays Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 1 hour ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said: If he wasn't interested, why even say he was free most of the weekend? Why not just say, "Oh yeah, I'm swamped this weekend," that way he had an excuse for us to not see each other? If he wasn't interested, why even ask about the details? Just to make it seem like he was considering it, even if he really wasn't? That just makes no sense. I've experienced many people in my worklife parroting questions, answers, and sentences they've picked up elsewhere from humans or powerpoint slides. I remain amazed how little thinking is sometimes involved, and how clumsy the result can be (it's obvious someone's parroting a standard response). Think about how "how are you?" is thrown around ins some cultures with no expectation of hearing the truth in response.
Gaeta Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 Sounds like he was more interested in the place you wanted to go than going with you. Like if you had asked him over for dinner and he would have said 'depends what you cook' type of answer. I'd block him and find another prospect.
Wiseman2 Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 3 hours ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said: I want to give the cold shoulder. I want to lash out. Sorry this happened. It's best to get rid of flakes and weirdos early on to prevent burnout. Just delete and block him. Dating/meeting/communicating shouldn't be this much of a tug-of-war.
glows Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 3 hours ago, KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela said: So, I first asked if he had plans this weekend. He admitted that he had some plans, work related, but only on one day for a short amount of time. Okay fine. This means he is available most of the weekend. Perfect. So, I got up the guts and I asked him. The first thing he did was ask what the place was, which I told him. He then asked where the place was, which I told him. Then...no response, no response, no response. Until about 10 minutes later, when he just changed the subject entirely. Not a yes, not a no, not a maybe, not an "I'll think about it." Nothing. The funny thing about this is: I had actually prepared myself that it would be a No. I'm not entirely sure it would be his jam. It very well may be, but odds are, it probably isn't. And, even if he would want to spend time with me, I sort of prepared myself that he wouldn't really be that interested. However, it IS something I want to do, and I would like his company, so I decided to ask. The no answer, and change of topic feels SO. MUCH. WORSE. than a no. He's not interested and appears like a snob/not very open-minded. It's better you know now anyway rather than later on down the line. Both of you may have dissimilar interests but he could just as well have offered an alternative and been more upfront. I think you deserve to be with someone a lot more upfront and communicative than evasive or nonchalant. Definitely do not take this personally! I agree - go out and enjoy this event anyway and pay no mind to this person. If he reaches out or doesn't reach out who cares. I wouldn't respond and would just leave it unread. It doesn't sound like he's interested overall in spending time with you or is interested in other things or people so there's no reason to invest that much more into seeing him or speaking with him. Free up your time to spend more life and time and joy with others who appreciate you and the same things you do.
Calmandfocused Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 He’s not interested! He’s simply keeping you around for his own interests. He’s throwing you Breadcrumbs. Please don’t waste any more time on him. Men who really want to see a woman make sure that they do, irrespective of the proposed activity. Drop out of his life and move on
KetchupIsGreat Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 If I can tell you one thing from my experience, it would be Don't settle for someone who doesn't go above and beyond for you. Men, just like women, will MAKE time, even if they don't have it, to respond, call, and/or go out with you if they were interested, especially at the beginning of the relationship. You deserve better.
Author KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela Posted April 30, 2021 Author Posted April 30, 2021 I appreciate all the answers. I think the part I am struggling with is....this isn't all on him. This particular incident might be. But, there have been numerous times, including but not limited to, the two I mentioned in my OP, that I have been the one who has blown it or not shown interest (in his mind), and we've not seen each other because of something I have said or done or misinterpreted or whatever. So, I feel kind of bad saying, "Block. Next." when he easily could have said the same of me many times. He has given me grace, so I feel like I need to give him grace....but...it is still hard and I am still hurt and still annoyed.
d0nnivain Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 Giving somebody one chance is fine. By the time they are looking for their 3rd second chance, you are being played. So go do your thing & see what he does next.
Starrs Posted May 1, 2021 Posted May 1, 2021 tbh you shouldn’t bring it up again, i made the mistake and got mad at this other guy for doing the same thing... turns out he was never interested in me. and was interested in someone else, not worth waiting for answers. if he really wanted to meet you, he would have replied yes or no. if you’re really curious, i think you should bring it up to him on why he seems to be avoiding it?
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