dramafreezone Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 (edited) On 4/30/2021 at 1:39 AM, KetchupIsGreat said: Hey everyone. A quick summary: I moved to North Carolina about 4 years ago where I met my gf whom I've been with since. Now we're discussing getting married but I have 2 things bothering me and need y'all's input to see if I'm over reacting. 1- First few months we met (4 years ago), I found out that her close guy friend used to be her FWB and she had a crush on him but he didn't want anything serious. I didn't find out until he called her at 4 AM one night while she was asleep so I read their conversations and found out the truth. Anyway, long story short, she cried for a long time and apologized and asked what she needs to do to fix it and I told her get him out of our life so she blocked him. Then I asked if he made any moves on her while we were dating and she said yes but she turned him down. Here's what bothers me mostly. She never told me any of that and kept hanging out with him "as friends" up until I found out. So I always think I was her second option and she only got with me cz he didn't want her that way. She claims she always liked him and she was a teenager and vulnerable, etc. But the thing is, they used to have tons of sex and with me, it's like barely if any, and I have to initiate. 2- she's gained a load crap of weight which she claims Is the reason for lack of intimacy. But I can't do anything with her anymore. Can't get her to go to the gym with me, diet with me, do any activities with me, take pictures anymore, like literally nothing except go to restaurants and watch movies. That's all we do. Brought it up to her many times and asked what can I do to help and she refuses any help. She says "I'm losing weight slowly by eating less" but she isn't. Haven't taken any pictures in two years because she hates the way she looks. I love her and she does make me happy, but those two are major red flags. I feel like she's giving up on life. Now when we have any arguments, she's not even bothering. I feel like she's giving up on life. No more friends, goals, or anything anymore. Not the same woman. I love her and want to propose but the cautionary side of me is telling me not to. You sound like you already know what you need to do, but wish it wasn't the case. Things don't typically get better after you get married. At best things will stay the same, but it sounds like she's going down a bad path, more apathy, more depression, more weight. I mentioned this in another thread, how we show up in a relationship is reflective of what we think that other person deserves, or what it takes to keep them. Sure, she could turn it around, but you don't make major life decisions like marriage on suppositions. You should assume that what you see now is what you will see in the future. She is not an experiment to take a chance on. Edited May 4, 2021 by dramafreezone 1 1
Allupinnit Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 She sounds depressed to me as well. I gained about 20 pounds after my H and I got married, due to cooking together, COVID, and wine. He never once said a thing about it, his attraction for me never waned. I'm now back to working out several days a week and have much more energy and the pounds are coming off. My H and I started biking together as well. One day it just snapped in place for me that I needed to get my ass back in the gym. I'm just saying that it's not always the case people don't straighten up, maybe she needs meds, a therapist, I dunno, but people here paint such a grim picture of flawed humans that if they're not up to snuff they're worth just moving on from, and I disagree. 1
dramafreezone Posted May 4, 2021 Posted May 4, 2021 1 hour ago, Allupinnit said: She sounds depressed to me as well. I gained about 20 pounds after my H and I got married, due to cooking together, COVID, and wine. He never once said a thing about it, his attraction for me never waned. I'm now back to working out several days a week and have much more energy and the pounds are coming off. My H and I started biking together as well. One day it just snapped in place for me that I needed to get my ass back in the gym. I'm just saying that it's not always the case people don't straighten up, maybe she needs meds, a therapist, I dunno, but people here paint such a grim picture of flawed humans that if they're not up to snuff they're worth just moving on from, and I disagree. She is depressed. I'm sure OP feels badly for her but no one can make her better but herself, and you said as much for yourself. YOU had to snap out of it.
Allupinnit Posted May 5, 2021 Posted May 5, 2021 1 hour ago, dramafreezone said: She is depressed. I'm sure OP feels badly for her but no one can make her better but herself, and you said as much for yourself. YOU had to snap out of it. But you're basically telling the OP that this is "all she has to offer" and people don't change and crap gets worse. That's simply not the case. She needs help. And FTR I wasn't depressed, just lazy, so I really had no excuse. But I think you could argue that there are LOTS of people in the same boat after the year we just had. People aren't just throw-aways when we're not at our very best, life happens. I don't think the OP should just go and propose all willy-nilly but it sounds like he loves his GF a lot and would love to have a solution outside of just throwing the r'ship away.
dramafreezone Posted May 5, 2021 Posted May 5, 2021 (edited) 14 minutes ago, Allupinnit said: But you're basically telling the OP that this is "all she has to offer" and people don't change and crap gets worse. That's simply not the case. She needs help. And FTR I wasn't depressed, just lazy, so I really had no excuse. But I think you could argue that there are LOTS of people in the same boat after the year we just had. People aren't just throw-aways when we're not at our very best, life happens. I don't think the OP should just go and propose all willy-nilly but it sounds like he loves his GF a lot and would love to have a solution outside of just throwing the r'ship away. He can offer support to her, and can do this whether they're together or not. I don't know why the relationship has to continue if she's putting forth minimal effort and has been for a while. OP also feels like she's with him out of convenience. He doesn't have a solution for her. He's at his wits end. If there were anything he could do to get her help, she would've have by now. She has to help herself. How much more time should he spend before concluding that she won't get herself help? Edited May 5, 2021 by dramafreezone
introverted1 Posted May 5, 2021 Posted May 5, 2021 On 4/30/2021 at 4:39 AM, KetchupIsGreat said: she's gained a load crap of weight which she claims Is the reason for lack of intimacy. But I can't do anything with her anymore. Can't get her to go to the gym with me, diet with me, do any activities with me, take pictures anymore, like literally nothing except go to restaurants and watch movies. That's all we do. Brought it up to her many times and asked what can I do to help and she refuses any help. She says "I'm losing weight slowly by eating less" but she isn't. Haven't taken any pictures in two years because she hates the way she looks. This isn't a new situation, nor one brought on by covid. And it's been going on for fully 1/2 of their relationship. I think OP is entitled to question if this is what "forever" will look like. The gf needs help, but even if all of us and OP can see that, gf has to want help. And, at this juncture, it doesn't appear that she does. As such, it would be foolish for OP to propose at this time.
Recommended Posts