Should I propose?

[KetchupIsGreat]

Hey everyone. A quick summary: I moved to North Carolina about 4 years ago where I met my gf whom I've been with since. Now we're discussing getting married but I have 2 things bothering me and need y'all's input to see if I'm over reacting. 

1- First few months we met (4 years ago), I found out that her close guy friend used to be her FWB and she had a crush on him but he didn't want anything serious. I didn't find out until he called her at 4 AM one night while she was asleep so I read their conversations and found out the truth. Anyway, long story short, she cried for a long time and apologized and asked what she needs to do to fix it and I told her get him out of our life so she blocked him. Then I asked if he made any moves on her while we were dating and she said yes but she turned him down. Here's what bothers me mostly. She never told me any of that and kept hanging out with him "as friends" up until I found out. So I always think I was her second option and she only got with me cz he didn't want her that way.  She claims she always liked him and she was a teenager and vulnerable, etc. But the thing is, they used to have tons of sex and with me, it's like barely if any, and I have to initiate. 

2- she's gained a load crap of weight which she claims Is the reason for lack of intimacy. But I can't do anything with her anymore. Can't get her to go to the gym with me, diet with me, do any activities with me, take pictures anymore, like literally nothing except go to restaurants and watch movies. That's all we do. Brought it up to her many times and asked what can I do to help and she refuses any help. She says "I'm losing weight slowly by eating less" but she isn't. Haven't taken any pictures in two years because she hates the way she looks. 

I love her and she does make me happy, but those two are major red flags. I feel like she's giving up on life. Now when we have any arguments, she's not even bothering. I feel like she's giving up on life. No more friends, goals, or anything anymore. Not the same woman. I love her and want to propose but the cautionary side of me is telling me not to. 

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately what you see is what you get.

Do you live together? Is there pressure to marry? Such as families, wanting kids,etc.?

She's not going to lose weight until she feels like it and nagging her is just adding fuel to the no sex thing.

[KetchupIsGreat]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately what you see is what you get.

Do you live together? Is there pressure to marry? Such as families, wanting kids,etc.?

She's not going to lose weight until she feels like it and nagging her is just adding fuel to the no sex thing.

We both got our own apartments but I stay at her place like once a week, but no there's not really a pressure to marry, but she has been giving me hints that she's wanting me to propose. I can delay it for a while if needed due to my business needing renovations and some funding. But you're right. I haven't said anything to her about the weight in a while, but been encouraging her saying you looking great and this and that 

[d0nnivain]

At this juncture I do not think you should propose.  The weight  thing is likely to get worse not better as is the lack of sex.  You are already unhappy.  Why put yourself in a situation that is harder to get out of?

With respect to the FWB it seems she had soft to non-existent boundaries initially. but after you discovered the trust she seems to have done the right thing & gotten him out of her life.  She may have needed you to be strong enough to do that.  If she's otherwise been a faithful GF for 3+ years don't get overly hung up on what happened 4 years ago.  That situation has been corrected & is not likely to reoccur 

Edited April 30, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Gaeta]

She's stuck in a rutt and not getting out of it because there is not really consequences to her being stuck there. Have a heart to heart with her, tell her you don't see yourself in a long term relationship with bare minimum intimicy and you need her to go  back to the woman she was. It's not about the weight but about what the weight has taken away from you and your life together. 

[introverted1]

Don't propose with the idea that a proposal is going to fix things.  You have a gf who is gaining weight and not interested in sex.  That won't be repaired by a proposal and you'll end up in an unhappy, sexless marriage.

Deciding to lose the weight is something she needs to do.  You can't motivate her into it and attempts to do so will likely backfire.  It's also possible that even if she loses weight, your sex life won't improve. 

WRT to the FWB, that is murky.  At best, your gf has poor boundaries. At worse, she is with you because she can't have him.  Are you sure the lack of sex is about her weight?

Edited April 30, 2021 by introverted1

[SaraSays]

What are the practical things in your day-to-day life together that make you a good partner, make her a good partner, and make you think you 2 together are a good match?

[KamaladoesntrhymewitPamela]

I can't really say if you should propose or not. I will give you this opinion on the weight thing.

Let's say she loses all the weight.

But, in 10 years, she gets in a car accident, and is wheelchair bound for months, and gains weight.

Or she develops a disease, such as lupus, and gains weight.

Or after having kids, she has post-partum depression, and ends up gaining weight.

What would be your response? What would be your thought?

Now, if your response is, "Well, she's my wife, of course I will still love her! I'm not a monster." well okay, there you go. Weight gain/obesity in MANY cases, is a mental disorder. It's a disease. Just as much as any of the above are. It's just as real, and just as serious as any physical ailment that could lead to gaining weight. People seem to give a pass to folks that have gained weight because of some tangible event. But, if it's something mental, they just blow it off and say the person is weak or lazy or unmotivated.

However, if your response is, "I don't know...it would be tough for me to stay with her and stay attracted. I know it's not her fault, but I don't think I can do it." that's a fair answer. It's sad, but it's fair. And, I think it helps dictate what you should do in this moment a little bit more clearly.

 

I will say for those who have been saying, "It will never get better," that's baloney. Yes, in many cases that might be the truth. But, I see it every day, people either having weight loss surgery or going to the gym and getting fit. Yes, for a lot of people, what you see is what you're going to get. But, there are still also a lot of people, who will eventually get up and try to turn their life around.

[FMW]

Don't propose with the way things are now.  If she pushes the issue, explain, gently, what you've written here. Going into a marriage with already existing issues is a recipe for divorce.   

It's possible she will rediscover motivation and be more interested in sex, more activities together, and losing weight.  But don't make decisions based on what might happen, base them on the reality here and now.  

[glows]

Please do not mask your lack of attraction for her with this other guy and jealousy issues. While not one of her shining moments, I think if you were really that invested in spending the rest of your life with her, this would be water under the bridge and you'd both grow from it, after re-establishing some trust between the both of you. As it was years ago, it begs the question why this has not been resolved and put to rest.

Call a spade a spade please and don't make any more excuses for staying with a person you are not attracted to nor respect overall. I think that in itself will start to erode your self-worth and the way you see yourself. Do you not see your mental health spiraling downwards on this path?

[wanderingthoughts11]

if you are questioning the idea of proposing like this then you know the answer already.

[kendahke]

9 hours ago, KetchupIsGreat said:

I love her and she does make me happy, but those two are major red flags.

Can you live happily with her for the rest of your life with her being exactly how she is now with the lying by omission and the weight thing (or even worse--she lets everything go once she's got the Mrs. title locked down)?

For me, the fact that she didn't put him out and slam the door shut 4 years ago tells me that you are her second choice, no matter how many gallons of tears she cries. It reads to me as if you're the consolation prize for her getting to the aforementioned locking down the Mrs. title.

I'd call everything off for the fact that she's been deceitful this whole entire time and it took him taking too much liberty with her (and purposefully driving a wedge between you two with the 4am text) for the truth to come out. That is what I would not be able to get over. As your wrote:

Quote

She never told me any of that and kept hanging out with him "as friends" up until I found out.

There is no reason why you should have found out like this--and there is no reason why he should still be calling her for anything at 4am-he knew she was with you when he made that call and she never made it clear to him that she was serious about you and he was no longer needed.

She's playing clean up right now... messy people tend to do that a lot.

I wouldn't propose; in fact, I'd be looking to end things. Keep separate housing... she's not done with him and I'll bet dollars to donuts that within a month of you telling her you're backing off, he's going to be in her bed. Humans are creatures of habit and he's a past habit she never really put down.

Edited April 30, 2021 by kendahke

[Alfano]

Ask yourself what if anything you gain by locking yourself into a legal contract that is not easily broken.

The only positives that might apply are tax savings and health insurance.

Nothing else.

[KetchupIsGreat]

22 minutes ago, kendahke said:

Can you live happily with her for the rest of your life with her being exactly how she is now with the lying by omission and the weight thing (or even worse--she lets everything go once she's got the Mrs. title locked down)?

For me, the fact that she didn't put him out and slam the door shut 4 years ago tells me that you are her second choice, no matter how many gallons of tears she cries. It reads to me as if you're the consolation prize for her getting to the aforementioned locking down the Mrs. title.

I'd call everything off for the fact that she's been deceitful this whole entire time and it took him taking too much liberty with her (and purposefully driving a wedge between you two with the 4am text) for the truth to come out. That is what I would not be able to get over. As your wrote:

There is no reason why you should have found out like this--and there is no reason why he should still be calling her for anything at 4am-he knew she was with you when he made that call and she never made it clear to him that she was serious about you and he was no longer needed.

She's playing clean up right now... messy people tend to do that a lot.

I wouldn't propose; in fact, I'd be looking to end things. Keep separate housing... she's not done with him and I'll bet dollars to donuts that within a month of you telling her you're backing off, he's going to be in her bed. Humans are creatures of habit and he's a past habit she never really put down.

Man. This hits to heart. It's so true. That's what the voice in my head keeps saying but another part of me is like man what if it took her a while to get over him but now once she fully got to know me she really is in love with me, etc.  But most likely you're right and that's the truth I was avoiding. This hurts man! Dam. Appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts 

[ShyViolet]

You don't ever marry someone when there are already serious problems in the relationship.  Once you're married they only get 10x worse.  If you even need to ask, the answer is no, you shouldn't be doing this.

[smackie9]

Well this is a true test of vows that you would be saying to each other.."for better or for worse...."

You have your arms folded, ready to punt her to the curb. That thing happened 4 years ago...time to let that one go. The issue was resolved. With Covid comes depression, over eating, drinking, loss of zest for life, etc. Lots of people are experiencing this.

You need to be truthful, and start voicing your concerns. She needs professional help, get her some. See where that takes you two.

[lana-banana]

You are unsatisfied and you relationship involves distrust, deceit, and doubt. That's not the foundation for short-term happiness, much less long-term. I agree that it's better to start pursuing an exit strategy rather than make things permanent.

For what it's worth, if you have to ask whether you should propose, you shouldn't propose. 

[spiderowl]

You should not propose to her while you feel unattracted to her and are bothered by her weight. It is not fair on her.  She deserves a guy who loves her through thick and thin.

Your girlfriend sounds very unhappy actually.  Is it possible that she is unhappy because the relationship hasn't developed, you haven't proposed?  I am asking in order that you can look back and see when things started to go downhill with her, was there anything at the time that triggered that?  Have you asked her if there is anything wrong?

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Yeah, hold up on the marriage proposal. At this point, you'd be doing it because of some automatic programming.

No, you want your relationship to be in top-flight condition BEFORE your propose.

The weight issue she has ... may be more than a weight issue. One, you cannot marry someone you don't want to be sexual with. Period. No exceptions other than extremely rare situations where one person has a major disability but even then the couple needs to figure out how to be sexual. But two, she might be showing that she cannot manage her life without compulsive eating. Pay attention to that.

BTW: quit talking to her about her weight. Men NEVER win when they do that. It's like a woman talking about a guy's penis size. It's that sensitive. SHE has to want to lose weight and even then it is extremely hard. 

I sense you're pretending to be happier than you really are. I get the distrust. I don't think it's wrong at all to remember that she didn't come clean with you. Definitely consider that. 

 

[deepthinking]

"literally nothing except go to restaurants and watch movies"  Get out of this rut; seems like a dull future -  as if some ex of hers in the picture is not bad enough! 

[Stupidkupid]

She sounds depressed to me. 

When i am low i lose interest in the gym (and I love to workout) and gain weight due to lack of motivation. I them figure out what is wrong, and try to get out of thw rutt. But its not always easy.

If you love her, maybe a heart to heart about why this is happening (Covid etc). By the sounds of things (and perhaps I'm wrong) she used to go to the gym etc so its odd she stopped

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes, she does sound depressed or this is who she is and she's simply got little vitality and energy.

Don't like all the issues to her weight. That's an excuse--for YOU--an excuse to avoid confronting the reality that this is not someone who brings energy and vitality and life energy to her own life or to the relationship. 

That you are even mentioning marriage suggests you are deep in denial. 

[kendahke]

On 4/30/2021 at 1:59 PM, KetchupIsGreat said:

what if it took her a while to get over him 

She never got over him. She never tried.  I bring this up once more:

Quote

She kept hanging out with him "as friends" ***up until I found out***.

You and she have been together 4 years. Don't you think an entire presidential cycle is enough time to get over an F buddy? I know of no one who would be fine with their partner hanging out with their sex buddy "as friends"--so she says-- for 4 years behind their back--and letting them go on and believe they weren't dealing with them. That is not depression--that is deceit.

IOW: lying to your face... and it took that F buddy to drop the truth in your lap, since she wasn't about to.

No one who is sane would be cool with that.

Edited May 2, 2021 by kendahke

[chillii]

On 5/1/2021 at 3:59 AM, KetchupIsGreat said:

Man. This hits to heart. It's so true. That's what the voice in my head keeps saying but another part of me is like man what if it took her a while to get over him but now once she fully got to know me she really is in love with me, etc.  But most likely you're right and that's the truth I was avoiding. This hurts man! Dam. Appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts 

 

lt is the truth too l'm afraid that's a very big thing she had going on there must've been something that stopped her stopping it too . l'd be thinking adding that she's just stopped caring for you two she might've had reservations right through to not stop that thing with him properly let alone tell you about it yrs ago.

The weight thing well , that's also a biggie and it's effecting your whole relationship. And the other problem with it is weight only gets harder to control not easier . So if she thinks it's hard now and can't be bothered that's nothing , 5 yrs it'll be a lot harder again , 10  , just kiss it goodbye if she can't even be bothered now.

So nope , l def wouldn't go proposing just yet , you guys have a few very big things to work out first.

 

Edited May 4, 2021 by chillii

[Blind-Sided]

On 4/30/2021 at 6:41 AM, d0nnivain said:

At this juncture I do not think you should propose.  The weight  thing is likely to get worse not better as is the lack of sex.  You are already unhappy. 

Yep.... what she said.

On 4/30/2021 at 8:07 AM, introverted1 said:

Don't propose with the idea that a proposal is going to fix things.  You have a gf who is gaining weight and not interested in sex.  That won't be repaired by a proposal and you'll end up in an unhappy, sexless marriage.

And that too.

I have a female friend who is kind of in the same situation as you.  Not so much with weight... but with a stbXh who is lazy around the house, and would rather take care of himself with porn, than sleep with his wife. (She is very cute, and shaped well, but I digress since she is my friend.  LOL)  She has literally told me.... "You know how some people have babies to save a marriage?  Well, I got married to save the relationship."   She was married less than a year when she realized he wasn't going to change, and gave him every opportunity to step up.  (We are talking basics like not leaving dirty laundry on the floor, and leaving dirty dishes on the coffee table)  She is truly his "Mom" in this relationship.   Anyway... now at the 1.5 year mark... she is filing, and trying to separate finances, and the house. (Lucky they have no kids) But it has become a fight because he now realizes it's serious. 

DO NOT put yourself in that situation.  You will be miserable, and it cost $$$$ to break up later.   You fell in love with a girl she isn't any more... and you are holding on to that image.  Unfortunately... it sounds like you should be breaking up, and not considering a proposal.  (sorry)