brknhrtd Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 Sorry if this is quite long. I met this man from an online dating app a couple months ago (he is foreign, from Germany, well-travelled and 39). I was very much interested in him. In the beginning he was full on with the texting but I slowed the communication down because I wanted to get to know him better in person as I'm not much of a texter. Our communication has since been a few days a week, not every day. We primarily communicate via WhatsApp due to his German phone number. For our first meetup, we went for a 3 hour long walk in the evening. Second date, he came over to my place and we had a nice evening listening to music and watching the night sky. He was very affectionate and turned on (with an erection) and wanted to have sex but we did not - my decision. There was heavy petting, we cuddled and he slept over. He left around 11 a.m. For the next meetup we had planned to go hiking but due to rain we had to cancel and just stayed in at my place. It was a Saturday and we had a relaxing evening. Things progressed to sex eventually and I was ready this time. He was able to get an erection with foreplay but when it came to putting on the condom, he lost it. I didn't say anything about it, we had foreplay and I helped him to get hard again (more like semi hard) but he lost it again putting on the condom the second time. I again started to help him regain his erection but he was not fully erect and he eventually stopped me telling me that it wasn't fair. He claimed it was happening because it was too warm in the room (but the window was open with cool air coming in over the bed). So, we cuddled and went to sleep. He loves cuddling and is very affectionate which I love. Sunday, in the morning, he started trying to initiate sex, but I eventually stopped him and told him that we should wait until next time. Though, I don't know how he took that! My thinking at the time was to keep him wanting more throughout the week, so that the next time we get together, he would hopefully be so turned on that this erection problem would be non-existent. He mentioned that he would not be able to stay late into the morning because he had a couple of overseas phone calls planned and left around 9 a.m., which I was a bit disappointed by. After he left, I realized he left something at my place so he ended up coming back late afternoon to retrieve it. At that time I told him that I'd like to have him over and cook for him the upcoming weekend (as he knew I'm into cooking and had been asking/begging me to cook for him since we first met). He said "maybe" (which kind of surprised me) as he may need to go out of town to check out his new living arrangements, but it should only be for a morning or so. Currently, he lives just down the road from me (walking distance) but will soon (i.e. in about a week) be moving out of town about 30-40 minutes away to a rural area. I had wanted to connect with him before he left, which is why I had told him I wanted to cook for him before he moved. I asked him to let me know if he'll be able to meetup once he knows so that I can plan accordingly (the cooking). He even had a special meal request. He also told me that I need to confirm with my brother whether he will be at my place or not on the weekend (as I had mentioned that my brother sometimes stays with me and has a key to my place and could possibly be coming to town soon). He said he didn't mind being over when my brother was present, whatever I was comfortable with, he was fine either way. He also told me that he lost access to his WhatsApp that afternoon (which is true). When he left he said "Have a good week", which made me pause. So during the week, I waited to hear from him on whether he would be available on the weekend. He had other means to contact me other than WhatsApp. I didn't hear from him all week, Monday to Friday which was a first. I also did not reach out to him because I wanted to see (test him) if he would reach out to me after being intimate. On Saturday morning, he texted me on WhatsApp telling me that it is his new number. I asked him how he was doing. I didn't get a response until 9 hours later in the evening, from a different WhatsApp number telling me he is good. I was annoyed that he took that long to reply so I just asked if this was another new number and when he said yes, I simply said ok, and that was the end of that conversation. It is now almost a week later since that text exchange and it's been silence on both our ends for approx. 2 weeks since the failed sex. I don't want to reach out in case this is him rejecting me. When I do think about texting him, I don't know what to text! I had been hoping to hear from him and then take it from there but that's not happening. I can't tell if this is because of what happened in the bedroom, because he didn't hear from me/thought I was disinterested after that night or general disinterest on his part. I really do like this guy. Your thoughts and advice on his behavior and next steps would be much appreciated!
Wiseman2 Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 Sorry this happened. Maybe he's nervous, a heavy drinker, who knows. Unfortunately you seem to come on too strong. Sort of too much too soon. However the ED is his problem, not yours. It's doubtful, once he moves that this will continue. It seems he just wants hookups not jumping into playing house, making dinner, sleepovers, etc etc. Enjoy it while it lasts, but stop trying to be a snake charmer and use all these weird tactics to fix his ED. In general, slow your roll.
Author brknhrtd Posted April 30, 2021 Author Posted April 30, 2021 10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this happened. Maybe he's nervous, a heavy drinker, who knows. Unfortunately you seem to come on too strong. Sort of too much too soon. However the ED is his problem, not yours. It's doubtful, once he moves that this will continue. It seems he just wants hookups not jumping into playing house, making dinner, sleepovers, etc etc. Enjoy it while it lasts, but stop trying to be a snake charmer and use all these weird tactics to fix his ED. In general, slow your roll. Thanks for your reply. He doesn't drink or smoke and is quite healthy. Regarding the dates, he's initiated and planned all of them. The first time he slept over I had offered an Uber to take him home but he wanted to sleepover both times. Cooking was also his suggestion, multiple times. So I'm not sure I'm seeing your perspective...
elaine567 Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 58 minutes ago, brknhrtd said: Sunday, in the morning, he started trying to initiate sex, but I eventually stopped him and told him that we should wait until next time. After his failed attempt he was trying to get it back in the morning, but because you stopped him, he took it personally. It was also likely a mistake to "test" him by not initiating contact. He probably needed extra reassurance that you had not written him off. I think with neither of you reaching out, it is now a dead loss. Failed sex is always difficult. So much of a man's value early doors is placed on his ability to have sex. The pressure on some men to perform well is immense. BUT porn and the "death grip" some men need for orgasm does not help. Some men are effectively useless to women as they can't get and maintain an erection by having real life sex. 7
Author brknhrtd Posted April 30, 2021 Author Posted April 30, 2021 3 minutes ago, elaine567 said: After his failed attempt he was trying to get it back in the morning, but because you stopped him, he took it personally. It was also likely a mistake to "test" him by not initiating contact. He probably needed extra reassurance that you had not written him off. Thank you for your perspective. I have been doubting myself for these very reasons.
Wiseman2 Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 52 minutes ago, brknhrtd said: Regarding the dates, he's initiated and planned all of them. Unfortunately no matter who planned what, he seems to be ghosting. Sadly it happens all the time no matter how good (or bad) the dates/sex are. Don't chase him. He's not interested. He knows how to reach you but hasn't so the focus should be on moving forward. He doesn't need reassuring. In his mind it was hookups. He's moving, so?
SaraSays Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 6 hours ago, brknhrtd said: because I wanted to see (test him) It's easy to think this will help, but it's not mature, relationship-type behaviour. Testing is corrosive to good partnerships. When something is off, it's better to simply talk about it, and to do so in a straight-forward way. If we're too afraid to say something directly, that's very telling. We shouldn't resort to testing people. 1
Alfano Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 He isn't all that into you. Doesn't really matter why unless you're looking for self improvement tips and feedback to carry you forward into your next relationship.
Author brknhrtd Posted April 30, 2021 Author Posted April 30, 2021 4 hours ago, SaraSays said: It's easy to think this will help, but it's not mature, relationship-type behaviour. Testing is corrosive to good partnerships. When something is off, it's better to simply talk about it, and to do so in a straight-forward way. If we're too afraid to say something directly, that's very telling. We shouldn't resort to testing people. Thank you for your feedback and I agree with you. Perhaps I should have not been so in my head about it and reassess the way I approach things.
flitzanu Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 i love the excuse that "it's too warm in the room so i can't get an erection" that's priceless. just to clarify, that's not a real thing. room temperature is not going to affect ability to get an erection. sometimes people get nervous, or anxious, or whatever the case may be and cause problems down there. i will say, the 2 or 3 times that i (as a guy) have rejected a girl because of issues like that, it's usually the girl that disappears and stops responding.
smackie9 Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 It's the condom...some guys can't handle it. If he got some erection spray from the sex store, that would help.
princessaurora Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 13 hours ago, elaine567 said: After his failed attempt he was trying to get it back in the morning, but because you stopped him, he took it personally. It was also likely a mistake to "test" him by not initiating contact. He probably needed extra reassurance that you had not written him off. I think with neither of you reaching out, it is now a dead loss. Failed sex is always difficult. So much of a man's value early doors is placed on his ability to have sex. The pressure on some men to perform well is immense. BUT porn and the "death grip" some men need for orgasm does not help. Some men are effectively useless to women as they can't get and maintain an erection by having real life sex. I agree with Elaine. When he tried again the next morning and you rebuffed him, that completely deflated his ego. He now feels inadequate and you not reaching out to him only cemented his insecurities. Now he's basically pulling back from you to beat you to the punch. That way he doesn't feel like such a failure. ED can be very humiliating for a man, but the worst thing you can do is call attention to it or reject a second attempt once he's rebuilt his confidence. That's basically the nail in the coffin with a brand new relationship because part of the condition is psychological. 2
Phallacy Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 Having an orgasm triggers bonding behaviors such as protecting and providing. I fake orgasms now
BrianK Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 Watching too much porn does this to men. Tell him to stop jerking it 5 times a day and he'll actually get hard and stay hard. 1
Marka Posted May 2, 2021 Posted May 2, 2021 (edited) If he really liked you a lot, he wouldnt have gone cold on you sorry. He liked you but just not enough. Maybe not rush with sex next time to see if a guy is strongly into you or he is there just for one or multiple hookups. Sorry.. Edited May 2, 2021 by Marka
Recommended Posts